Moms of twins

Parents Forum
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<p>Speaking of sleep deprivation...</p>

<p>After bringing my 4.5 pound babies home from the hospital, they were eating every 2 hours or more. After 5 days or so, as I was walking Twin A (colic!#@!?*$!) in the middle of the night, I saw a monster jump out of the wall and come at us. I quickly ran into the bedroom screaming and trying to lock the door while protecting the baby. Needless to say, it upset her so that she screamed for several more hours.</p>

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<p>Yet another incredible twin story...</p>

<p>We're</a> twinseparable! Happy with his brother, the boy who refused to die | the Daily Mail</p>

<p>By LUCY LAING </p>

<p>Last updated at 01:09am on 3rd November 2007</p>

<p>They say twins share a strong bond - but the one between Gabriel and Ieuan Jones was unbreakable.</p>

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<p>Is anyone willing to take this on as a serious part of this lovely thread (if not I sure understand).
I've always been burdened by the knowledge that my twin nephews are the result of a multiple birth (4 fetuses) from fertility drugs. My BIL and SIL faced the difficult choice of aborting two of them in order to assure that two would survive, although they certainly knew the statistics, and are religous people so might have believed they could be the lucky ones to bring all 4 to term. Instead, they were afraid they'd end up with no babies, so had 2 aborted in utero.
One of them now is an easy raise, the other has issues.
MY problem is: every time I look at them, I think of the parents' heartache. We've never spoken of it since the time my BIL, torturously told us on the phone of the decision they faced. I'd be surprised if the twins know, and I would never say a word (am good at keeping important things quiet when it could only hurt to know).
I've never consoled my BIL since or even raised the issue. The SIL is rather distant emotionally on all levels, so that's why I focus on the BIL in my conversation.
How can I get this out of my head, when I encounter these 2 nephews. It haunts me..
I don't judge them for their choice, and think I'd have decided exactly the same. But sometimes when they deal with all these "issues" with the diffiuclt twin, the thought goes through my mind, "which one never came to term" so it puts a different twist on the tough-raise guy. I assume my BIL and SIL might think that too, in their MOST frustrated moments.
Where else could I possibly ask but here in confidence. Thoughts? Even if someone could suggest a "new" thought for me to put into my head to replace this old useless idea, "what if another had survived.."</p>

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<p>This is one of those life decisions for which there is no easy answer. My husband would say, "You play with the cards you are dealt. You can't go back and look at the other cards you didn't draw."</p>

<p>This is a risk that infertile couples take when they begin more intensive treatment. But after wanting a baby so badly, nobody thinks they could possibly be in the "Sophie's Choice" kind of situation. My heart aches for them. In the meantime, they will come to terms with knowing that both of their sons are theirs for a reason. (This is one of those cases where a bit of spirituality will really come in handy.) And both are alive because they made such a difficult, heart-wrenching decision. No one will ever know what the cards not dealt would have been.</p>

<p>In the meantime, if no one is discussing this and the SIL is distant emotionally, some counseling may be appropriate. They are on a most unique and challenging emotional roller coaster and it's still moving. Best wishes to your family.</p>

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<p>Momoftwins: That's an incredible story. Thanks for sharing.</p>

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<p>Ouch, Paying3! I am so glad I never had to make any decision like that. </p>

<p>Here's a funny, if long, story: </p>

<p>When I was 5 months preg with DD (twins were a year old, eldest 4), we went with DH on a business trip to DISNEY WORLD the weekend before Christmas. I got the 3 car seats and twin stroller, diaper bag and backpack (do mothers still use them? I always had someone in one of those big blue backpacks and loved it), etc. into a rental car. We had a great weekend in the sunshine with Dumbo and Mickey while DH worked. DH took Sunday off (as usual) and we spent the day with the Small World folks in DisneyWorld.</p>

<p>So, time to catch the plane home on Sunday night. Flight at 7:45 pm. We left Disney at 7 pm. I KNEW we were parked in Pinocchio with a blue Ford Taurus, DH was convinced we were in a silver Sable parked in Cinderella. ARGH ARGH ARGH! Well, we finally found the car and arrived at the airport with about 10 minutes to spare to run to the plane. (I had the car right, he had the lot right) When we got to the gate we were notified the plane would be late because it was 8 degrees in Pittsburgh with a foot of snow on the ground,and more falling. "OK! We'll have dinner," says DH. OOOOPS! I forgot the diaper bag somewhere and his wallet was either stolen or lost in the rush to the airport. So, between us, we had 1 diaper, and $8. For dinner, we had 2 64 ounce Rootbeers (free refill on the second one). Finally got on the plane, 4 year old falls asleep and wets his pants all over his dad. Babies and I are asleep across the aisle! Husband had to walk 1-1/2miles in 8 degree weather and snow (in wet shorts) to get car out of parking lot. Since we got in late and due to the snow, the airport shuttle had shut down and he had to hoof it. </p>

<p>We didn't travel again for a long time!</p>

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<p>Paying3--you are right not to mention the issue to your inlaws and try to put it out of your mind if possible. Personally, I could not make such a decision, but there is no looking back. Whenever I look back on the past with regret about a wrong decision or something bad that happened, I always repeat the phrase "It have happened." (An African woman taught me this years ago --explains the ungrammatical English). It just means that you can't change the past, so don't even think about it. I hope the kids never find out. </p>

<p>Many families suffer similar difficult decisions/situations. My b-i-l had twins that were born very prematurely with twin-twin transfusion syndrome. One twin has learning disabilities. The other (smaller, sicker twin) is severely mentally retarded and blind. They made the decision, instead of "letting him go," to do everything possible to save the sick twin-- only to suffer many difficulties as a result. (To complicate matters, while twins were sick and in/out of hospital that first year, b-i-l had an affair and got a co-worker pregnant and left his 1st wife with the twins, placing the burden on her). </p>

<p>My m-i-l died of a heart attack when her single daughter (devout Catholic family) announced she was pregnant by an older, divorced, alcoholic bum that her parents had been trying to get her to break up with for months. It was suggested that the child should be given up for adoption, but she kept him. Obviously it is not the kid's fault, but H cannot see this nephew without thinking, "there's the kid that killed my mother," and remembering his no-good dad--who was long gone and living with another woman before the kid was even born. (It doesn't help that the kid has behavior problems and is a very unappealing child). Of course we say nothing, be polite, hide our feelings.</p>

<p>fencersmother: you are one brave and crazy soul!</p>

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<p>Fencersmom: I so understand!</p>

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<p>Paying3tuitions: What an incredibly tough situation that must have been for your bil and sil. After trying to get pregnant for 2 years I was finally pregnant. From the beginning the pregnancy was difficult and toward the end of my 1st trimester I lost the baby. At the time I wondered what I must have done to cause the miscarriage. We wanted children so badly and yet it was beginning to look like that was not going to happen for us. After a while, with the help of a fertility drug I conceived. During my 3 month visit to the OB (the only visit that my DH was not at!) he told me that I was having twins. I was so excited because that was an explanation for how sick I was. (morning sickness doesn't even come close to what I suffered through, but that is a different story). I can't imagine how difficult a decision like your family members had make must have been, but I understand the intense desire to have children and the willingness to do ANYTHING to make it happen.<br>
We all have to make decisions everyday that might have huge consequences. Sometimes we know the outcome and sometime we never do. The next time you see the twins just think about the love it took to get them into the world and not the decisions that had to be made.</p>

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

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<p>They could have had two tough to raise kids, they could have lost one on the way to birth, and ended up with a singleton. Many worse possibilities. Look at them, and thank the universe that they're both here to be involved with, care about, in whatever capacity. Though the short term may be quite hard. I have two good friends, conscientious, kind couples, who had 'kids from hell' for most of their formative years. They turned around in their 20s and are both delightful, successful young men. </p>

<p>Some go through fertility treatment to end up with nothing, thousands of dollars and broken hearts later. See the miracle in those boys being here.</p>

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<p><em>Oh! I forgot this!</em></p>

<p>When I was 9 weeks or so along with my twin pregnancy, I noticed I had these really itchy blotches on my neck; by the next day, they were on my trunk, my arms, face... everywhere. I had... the chicken pox!!! As bad as contracting rubella at that stage of pregnancy, we were advised to abort "the baby," especially given our history. We opted not to, of course, and when I was 20 or so weeks along, I had a test which came back off the scale, indicating (again, sigh) anencephaly, or some equally awful syndrome. DH was in Japan and it took him 1-1/2 days to get home to attend the newest round of sonograms with me. The day before the tests, my mom flew into town to stay with my then 3 year old while we went to the hospital for tests. My mother, God bless her, said "Let's go shopping" and that day at the mall, we saw 11 sets of twins! I wondered then if the high values on that test might not be due to two (or more) babies, but didn't want to get my hopes up. </p>

<p>Next day, I am on the table with the nice lady running that wand over my big tummy, and I see these two big round things on the screen- but only one body. Now, I am wondering, after everything that has transpired in the last couple years, how am I going to break it to my husband that we are now having a two-headed baby? While I was pondering this, the doctor (wearing a cowboy hat), comes in and tells my DH to sit down. He then says to us: "See what happens when you do it twice in one night?" And,he's got a big smile on his face. I ask him: 'What? We get a two-headed baby?" The most peculiar look crosses his face, and I can see my DH is caught between the worst morning he can imagine and sheer idiocy. When the doc clued us in, after splitting a gut, we all had a great laugh. </p>

<p>Of course, I had some heavy duty monitoring with the previous history, and was very relieved to know there appeared to be no trisomy8, no anencephaly, no sign that anyone's intestines were mispositioned or malformed. </p>

<p>We sometimes still refer to them as a two-headed baby and they bang their heads together and ask for cash!</p>

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<p>Hi- WEll, I have fraternal sons, who just applied ed to Syracuse and Oberlin.
Obviously one university and one LAC in two different states. They are good friends, but quite different in interests. One is sports, organized, responsible, social, down-to-earth, calm, and the other is head-in-clouds, more artsy, more cerebral, more emotional. Their personalities have been consistent since utero. I am gay, I used a sperm bank, their other mom (my partner) died in an accident when they were 3, and I was a single mom for 6 years, then met a woman who has become sort of their step mom, so I guess we moms of twins come in all flavors.<br>
This college stuff has exhausted me-- I hope they get in soon!
I really think getting twins into college is a supremely hard venture. Thanks to everyone for posting-</p>

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<p>Hi Cornmuffin,
First, I am so sorry to hear about your partner's passing. Even though it was so long ago, I know that it still must bring much pain. What a challenge you had trying to bring up twins as a single mom.
Sounds like you've got it under control and that they made good application decisions based upon who they are. I wish you and them the best of luck with their ED applications.
The college application process with twins is indeed overwhelming. Do your boys have backup lists in case they get deferred or rejected? Will they begin other applications before then? I'd strongly recommend it.<br>
I also have fraternal (b/g) twins. One applied SCEA to a university and got in. The other applied ED to a different university and was deferred, ultimately did not get in, but happily landed in a great LAC. They, too, are in different states.<br>
I did insist that they had the bulk of all their applications done before they heard back from their early schools. They were very glad about that in the long run, as the one who was accepted EA did apply to a additional schools anyway and the one who was deferred needed to cast a wide net after the deferral.
It all worked out, but, yes, it was exhausting. I still get exhausted thinking about all of those applications and Profile forms!
Best of luck and do check in here to vent, get answered questions, or simply to chat.</p>

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<p>Sorry guys, I haven't made it back in a while. This thread is dead but I will revive it.</p>

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<p>Haha, that is pretty funny. I guess that could happen with my children as well.</p>

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<p>Eight kids is close enough to twelve. Each additional child isn't so much harder, after a certain amount.</p>

<p>I know what you mean about large families being well behaved. We had to make our kids behave, out of desperation. When you just have one or two kids, it's easy to let behavioral problems slide, but with a lot of children, you would go insane. We spoiled our first couple kids a little bit, but as we kept having more, we had to make them all behave.</p>

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<p>We did not do this. We had a big list of names that we liked, and we just went down the list when choosing names for our kids, no matter if it was a single or multiple birth. Also, to make life easier on ourselves, we named each of our first nine children so their names would each have a different first letter. It makes it much, much easier to initial things, and we initial everything. But for our next three, when most of the first nine are moved out, we repeated some letters.</p>

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<p>This is also what we thought.</p>

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<p>That's pretty wild.</p>

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<p>Ahh, finances. So, out of our nine oldest children, two are still at home, and then two have graduated from college but not gone onto grad school. One is in grad school, and four are undergraduates.</p>

<ol>
<li>Graduated, not in school.</li>
<li>Graduated and got married. Not currently in school.</li>
<li>Goes to grad school at U.W. (U Washington).</li>
<li>Senior at Lewis and Clark College.</li>
<li>Junior at Colby College.</li>
<li>Sophomore at Macalester College.</li>
<li>Freshman at Reed College.</li>
<li>Senior in high school.</li>
<li>Senior in high school.</li>
</ol>

<p>So this can get quite expensive. But, once our EFC gets recalculated for the number of children in college, it is at least somewhat manageable. Also, they all got very good aid packages from their respective schools. But, the amount we are expected to pay is still too much for us to afford, so our kids will have to graduate with at least some debt. But they knew that when they decided to enroll at private schools rather than at UW or another public school. We help them out as much as we can, though.</p>

<p>When the children were younger, we were pretty poor. (But before anyone jumps on me, we were never on any type of welfare.) I was working my way up in my business. Believe it or not, in the past 20 years or so we have added another zero to our income. But, my wife is amazing at managing our money. So during our poor years, we got by just fine. Our kids were so young that they never really realized that we didn't have much money. For the past 15 years or so, we have lived pretty comfortably. The kids have everything they need and enough of what they want.</p>

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<p>Those are big babies indeed. Our average baby weight is 5.4 lbs. The biggest baby was my oldest son, who weighed 8 lbs. The smallest baby was a twin girl, who weighed something like 4 pounds and 2 ounces.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry to hear this. I am so glad that your three children remain healthy and happy.</p>

<p>Sorry if I was rambling throughout this post. It's been a rough night...we were making sugar cookies yesterday, and my four year old apparently ate too many (I think she went around to every person in the house and innocently asked for one or two cookies...which of course in our house adds up to almost 20 cookies)....therefore, she was up most of the night "tossing her cookies", haha....</p>

<p>What are some of the Christmas/holiday traditions that you and your kids enjoy?</p>

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<p>
[quote]
When I was 9 weeks or so along with my twin pregnancy, I noticed I had these really itchy blotches on my neck; by the next day, they were on my trunk, my arms, face... everywhere. I had... the chicken pox!!! As bad as contracting rubella at that stage of pregnancy, we were advised to abort "the baby,"

[/quote]

Fencersmother--I missed your post the first time around. I had chickenpox at 17 weeks gestation. OMG was I sick. I did my own research in the hospital's medical library after the contagion risk passed. The clinic had never seen gestational chickenpox and couldn't advise us. We decided to continue the pregnancy: the documented cases of horrendous damage were so rare as to be individual anecdotes. I got my wonderful S. I have yet to meet a mom who shared this experience. Cheers! ;)</p>

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<p>I don't have <em>real</em> twins but I do have S1 and S2 who are 15 months apart and both in 10th grade. S1 was adopted and S2 (the chickenpox baby) was conceived the week we finalized the adoption. From an EFC perspective, then, we actually have twins, right?</p>

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<p>Yes, you do! :)</p>