- Art History</p>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum orÂ
.yeah, thatÂs it. ThatÂs all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum IÂve ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, IÂm going to go ahead and assume thereÂs not a lot of positions open in the field. That means youÂre going to have to venture out into the corporate world. And let me inform you, when youÂre interviewing with Bob from the HR team at Wal-Mart whoÂs wearing a tie that has the twin towers smoking with writing underneath that says ÂWe Will Never Forget, your art history degree says to him ÂIÂm a commie a-hole who thinks IÂm better than guys with 9/11 ties.Â</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom to make room for anything thatÂs not your bedroom, youÂll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who will thank you for allowing them to put fliers by the cash register that inform people of their upcoming show that touts Âthe combination of art and flute.Â</p>
<ol>
<li>Philosophy</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: This isnÂt ancient Greece: No one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer whoÂs said ÂMan, weÂre having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers. I took many philosophy classes and it involved reading and smoking a **** pile of weed. You donÂt need to pay 20,000 dollars a year to do that. All you need is twenty dollars and a library card.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, youÂre now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely youÂll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.</p>
<ol>
<li>American Studies</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It Wonât Help You Get a Job: If youâre not named Achmed or Bjork or GâDay Mate this isnât a degree, itâs the last 18 years of your life. If you really want to study us you donât need to go to some stupid class, you need only to sit back and watch a two-hour block of Must-See TV to understand The American. After doing my own research, it seems that this mysterious creature is a pot-bellied humanoid with a hot wife and bad credit who has a penchant for low-calorie beer, Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays, Dennyâs, McDonaldâs, Taco Bell, Dave and Busters, Steak and Shake, Chilis (again) and Red Lobster. Oh and he can totally demolish a White Castle Crave Case in, like, 20 seconds. OK, now give me my degree.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: To take your American Studies degree one step further, you will be qualified to do 40-50 years of Âgraduate work cleaning tables and taking orders at a Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays or Red Lobster. Or possibly DennyÂs.</p>
<ol>
<li>Music Therapy</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: I didnÂt even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to their actual explanation of this major: ÂMusic therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals. Which is a big, fancy way of saying ÂWeÂll teach you how to make a mix tape. I guess I, too, am a qualified music therapist because my ÂSummer Jams Â95 tape I made in the 10th grade totally rocked my house party. All my friends told me that kicking it off with Wreckz-N-Effects ÂRump Shaker followed by CoolioÂs ÂGangstaÂs Paradise totally met their physical, mental and spiritual needs to help them get wasted on my dadÂs Schnapps and Drambuie.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes donÂt pay people just to come in and set mood music, youÂre sadly going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.</p>
<ol>
<li>Communications</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: Go into a communications class on any given day and itÂll smell like dried semen and booze. Reason being, communications is the major for anyone who wants to graduate, but doesnÂt want to stop getting totally wasted on weekdays. HereÂs the bad news, if an employer is going to hire someone to help decipher how human beings communicate, heÂs going to hire someone with the letters ÂDr. before their name, not the person who first checks to see if a class is offered online, then when they find out itÂs not, letÂs out a Âgaaaaay bro.Â</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: YouÂll go to several job interviews that turn out to be pyramid schemes, even though at first you wonÂt realize this and come home and tell your parents, who you still live with, ÂThey said IÂll probably be making six figures in less than a year just by selling these beer cozies.Â</p>
<ol>
<li>Dance</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: Despite what ÂDancing with the Stars and ÂHigh School Musical may tell you, there arenÂt a lot of dancing jobs out thereÂso you better be good because there arenÂt any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York City or some crap in LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesnÂt involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasnÂt really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the cityÂs many strip clubs. YouÂll just need to change your name to Crystal or Bambi and youÂll be able finally live out your dream as a dancer. (Mom and Dad will be so proud!)</p>
<ol>
<li>English Lit</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: If someone can spend a weekend with a box of CliffÂs Notes and have only a slightly less conversational knowledge of what you spent 4 years studying, you probably donÂt have the most employer friendly degree. Having an English Lit degree is like being a member of the Kansas City Royals: No one cares and the best you can hope for is every once in a while someone buys you a beer because of it.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: You can read and comprehend, so that gives you an advantage over 99.5% of the people that peruse CraigÂs list job listings. Therefore, youÂll most likely end up landing an entry level position at a random small company, or showing up to your interview and being raped repeatedly by a group of masked men.</p>
<ol>
<li>Latin</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. ThereÂs no new Latin thatÂs hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. IÂm no business major, but majoring in a language that doesnÂt exist anymore doesnÂt sound so good for job security. And IÂm sorry to break the news to you, but the world doesnÂt need someone to translate The Bible or the inscription on the side of a Post Office or El Loco LatinoÂs ÂLatin House Party.Â</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesnÂt exist, youÂre going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.</p>
<ol>
<li>Film</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: No one in hollywood gives a **** that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a â â â â â â â â child. Unless that â â â â â â â â child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last three seasons of Lost</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: If youÂre lucky, youÂll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores that will let David Caruso pee on them.</p>
<ol>
<li>Religion</li>
</ol>
<p>Why It WonÂt Help You Get a Job: Sorry God, but a major in Religion is about as worthless as St. Brice (The Patron Saint of Stomach Aches.) Even Duke University canÂt put a solid sell on this degree: ÂA major in religion offers intellectual excitement and can be a pathway to a liberal education. OK, you sold me. So now I get to shell out about a hundred thousand dollars so I can know what to wear to a Shinto ceremony and learn how many virgins Allah will give me if I blow myself up in an Israeli square? If itÂs OK with you, IÂll keep my money and stick to my sinning-a-lot-now-and-repenting-on-my-deathbed plan.</p>
<p>What Job YouÂll End Up With: This one is tricky. On one hand youÂll probably end up working behind the desk of a Christian Science Reading Room. But on the other, you may end up with everlasting peace and spiritual enlightenment. LetÂs call it a draw.