<p>The important thing is that I haven’t given up. I know a lot of people who would be suicidal in my situation. But not me. I’m hanging in there. To cope with my pain I just keep trying my best in school, going to church, trying to make new friends, etc. </p>
<p>Living on my own at 22 was kind of a pie-in-the-sky thing I guess…</p>
<p>I can’t wait until I receive my master’s degree and get a real job.</p>
<p>If you really feel you’re in an abusive situation, you can certainly try talking to a financial aid counselor at your school to see if they have any suggestions for you. </p>
<p>Another alternative if you feel you need to get out of an abusive situation is a women’s shelter (if you’re a young woman) or other shelter. Those probably aren’t going to be quiet and private though.</p>
<p>If you belong to a church or other religious organization, you could also try speaking to a pastor there for suggestions.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>do you think maybe there is hope for me to live in the YWCA, then? If they can fund me? …Because that would be amazing.</p>
<p>Yes we receive pell grants already. The rest we take out in loans. Usually subsidized, although the government stopped giving us those.</p>
<p>“I have no idea how we are paying for anything right now.” ~my mom</p>
<p>If only aid were based off of expenses… I think that would make more sense.</p>
<p>I live in Hawaii and housing prices are sky high here.</p>
<p>Good idea about the church pastor thing. My church friends are pretty conservative. I think I wouldn’t mind living with some of them. I just started going to chruch again so i don’t know the people there very well. I should ask them if they can help out.</p>
<p>OK I just asked my mom, “how do we REALLY afford any of this?!” and she said, “I take money out of my retirement savings.”</p>
<p>I feel awful.</p>
<p>This isn’t fair…</p>
<p>I don’t know whether or not to live for myself or live for my parents. I feel obligated to help them and yet I feel like I’m unable to, not in this emotional state and with this salary.</p>
<p>government aid is very minimal – the Pell grant you are getting already and a small amount of loans. </p>
<p>Do you mean the government has stopped giving you loans at all (doesn’t make sense), or stopped giving you subsidized loans? From what you describe, you should probably still be qualifying for subsidized loans, unless your Pell grant covers nearly the entire cost of attendance at your school, which sounds unlikely.</p>
<p>Some schools have institutional aid as well. IF your school offers institutional aid on top of the federal aid, they may offer more if your expenses are more. But given that all you have right now is federal aid, it doesn’t sound like your school “meets need” so they wouldn’t necessarily give you more if your need (expenses) are greater. If they do cover need, they don’t look at the particular price of an off-campus apartment, they just have a fixed amount for living off-campus that they use in their “cost of attendance” computation. So if the YWCA is priced similarly to the dorms or local apartments, that could work out. But don’t count on it. I think it is a long-shot to think the school would cover this.</p>
<p>It’s very sweet of you to try to help your parents, but at your age and stage in life, you really can’t take responsibility for them.</p>
<p>it sounds like your mom is under all kinds of stress. She’s having to withdraw from her retirement savings to pay for college. She got divorced which likely also cost her dearly. Your dad’s decision to quit his job and possibly be homeless likely also affects her. </p>
<p>I think you’re going to be in a much worse situation if you move out. Your mom isn’t going to be helping you anymore (no more retirement withdrawals), and your school isn’t going to give you room and board money. </p>
<p>I think you need to figure out how to be away from the house as much as possible and then use ear plugs when you’re home. If possible, take the cushions off the couch and place them away from the TV to get away from all of that…maybe in the dining area, etc. </p>
<p>Living away from home is going to cost you about $12k-18k per year. Plus, you’d have to cover the amount that your mom is paying for. How much is your mom taking out of her retirement.</p>
<p>From the sounds of it, your school does NOT promise to “meet need” which is why your mom is taking money out of her retirement even tho you’re a Pell Student.</p>
<p>Can you talk to your mom sometime when it isn’t a super stressful time or when you are trying to sleep/she wants to watch TV? One suggestion I would have is to ask if you could buy her a TV for the bedroom. So she could watch in the living room when you aren’t around, but in there when you have to sleep. I don’t hear that she is not supportive of your education – but more that you guys live in a small space, and she wants what she wants when she has some down time. And agree that she likely is under a LOT of stress, and some people don’t react as well as you would like them to when that happens. </p>
<p>I feel like you are a little confused about how FAFSA works, too. FAFSA does not give you money. It is a process to figure out if you are eligible for federal aid. Have you seen your FAFSA numbers and the financial aid award from your college, or does your mom handle all that paperwork? I agree with posters that say you probably will not be able to get enough aid to move out… but am wondering if you do know exactly what is in your FAFSA, what your EFC is, and what your aid package looks like.</p>
<p>Hi, Kitty, I have some different advice for you. </p>
<p>I hit a tough spot once at about your age and didn’t have anywhere to live or go. I talked to everyone I knew and asked if there was anyone who had a room I might stay in. I also checked the school (I was still in the area of the college I’d graduated from) bulletin boards and the jobs office.</p>
<p>I found some short term jobs house sitting. That gave me a place to stay and pocket money while I got myself re-oriented. In the meantime my networking efforts led me to a single woman in her 40’s, who had a big house and wanted someone to share the expenses with but mostly wanted someone else in the house. I paid almost nothing to live there.</p>
<p>At other times I’ve rented rooms, very low cost, from people with families who were trying to come up with the money to … yes, put their own kids through college, or just make ends meet. You have said all your friends have their own families to take care of, as though you would be one more mouth to feed or a burden on them. But what if you could bring value to them instead? What if you could babysit, house sit, help with chores, drive kids around, help them with homework - you don’t know unless you ask.</p>
<p>If you think your mother is being verbally abusive, she probably is. You don’t deserve that, but the only way out is for you to leave. You need to work this through, and act in your own interest, as your own advocate. It can be tricky to figure out how to leave, while perhaps keeping some financial support from your mom. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it must be very painful for you.</p>
<p>I wish you the best and encourage you to think big. You’re 22, it’s time to spread your wings and fly.</p>
<p>Those are some good ideas to explore from LizzieT.</p>
<p>LizzieT, MathmomVT. intparent and mom2collegekids etc, THANK YOU, all of you, for your emotional support and for the various ideas. I’m going to look into all of these.</p>
<p>I stop short of calling my mom “abusive” in terms of her character because I don’t think she was always this way - I think a lot of you are right in that these very stressful situations have brought out the worst in her. She’s gone through a lot. The things I mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg, and she deserves kudos for not having gone totally insane as a result of what she’s had to deal with. I suppose I can see why she becomes so engrossed in TV… her real life has been a total mess. In contrast, I feel my life has only just begun and that many positive things lie ahead for me - one reason why I feel no reason to escape - Rather, I look forward to experiencing it all.</p>
<p>And I have to admit that even I have had a tendency to pick on my mom for no reason. I felt like she was being very mean today but there are days where she is full of joy, which I love to see in her. I think if our personalities weren’t so starkly different, this would be a lot easier. I get along better with my dad, but he has trouble enough supporting himself right now. And in the end… yes, I am 22 and I want to spread my wings and fly from this next and acheive my dream goals. I am so restless.</p>
<p>We stopped receiving the subsidized loans but we’ve been offered stafford loans now, which my mom doesn’t like. I am a bit clueless when it comes to money, yes. I’m a right-brained person, so I’m good at analyzing things like language, but I know nothing about static things like finance. (My mom is left-brained and is good at that kind of thing).</p>
<p>Our EFC is 3,000 this year. Normally our EFC is 600. My mom gets paid 3,000 dollars less now. We filled out all our forms correctly and my mom thinks the only reason for this is due to the recent change in laws (fiscal cliff and all that)… she doesn’t like taking out loans, which is why she’s been going through her retirement money to pay for me. </p>
<p>Anyway, I took a long walk today and thought about all the things I am grateful for in my life and I feel better now. I came home and my mom seems to be in a better mood now. I suspect there will always be conflict amongst us but I just need to be the stronger person and hang in there. I’ll ask some of my older friends what they have to say about moving in. I’m going to pray this all works out for the best.</p>
<p>Thank you all again.</p>
<p>You’re 22. Can you find a full time job and put your education on hold? If you feel that your mom is abusive, the number one priority for you should be to get out and get on your own. Yes, easier said than done. </p>
<p>I am 22 and I’ve been on my own for quite a while. I also work with survivors of abuse (abuse is not just physical as you seem to understand) and family issues. Sometimes, you need an outside voice (the pastor of your church or a counselor). PM me if you want. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I was thinking along the lines of Lizzie T-- try to find a job with housing. I know someone who provided care for a single mom’s school age child in exchange for housing. So she would get the child up for school and wait with her at the bus stop, have the day free (you could take your classes and even work pt) and then meet the child after school until mom got home from work. I don’t think there was an extra salary but this person had weekends, evenings and all day free-- it wasn’t like some nanny jobs that require a ton of hours. </p>
<p>I think you should see if you could find a job like that or see if your pastor/ church can help you find somewhere else to live. I also think you should read the book Toxic Parents. It’s old but I think will give you clarity.</p>
<p>You know you EFC, now you need to learn about your financial aid package, and possibly talk to the financial aid office at school about how they can help you.</p>
<p>Does your school meet need? Are Stafford Loans part of your financial aid package, or were they offered to help meet your family contribution?</p>
<p>You need to know what the real cost of your education is - it sounds like your mother has chosen to take the money out of retirement, rather than have you take out loans. If that is true, then I wouldn’t feel guilty about her dipping into retirement savings - that was her choice, not yours. Ask the financial aid office what your aid package would look like if you move back on campus. If they will meet need, how will it be met? If you instead chose to complete your degree part-time, what type of aid would be available? If you finish over the next 4 years part-time instead of full time, you would be able to work more, and contribute more toward your costs.</p>
<p>You may be right-brained, but you need to have a grasp of how this all works. Your mother complains that you want to control her, but the reality seems to be that she doesn’t want to give up control over you. At 22, if the school offers you Stafford Loans, the decision whether to accept them should be yours, not hers. She is keeping you dependent upon her, and making you feel bad about it!</p>
<p>Our EFC is 3,000 this year. Normally our EFC is 600. My mom gets paid 3,000 dollars less now. We filled out all our forms correctly and my mom thinks the only reason for this is due to the recent change in laws (fiscal cliff and all that)… she doesn’t like taking out loans, which is why she’s been going through her retirement money to pay for</p>
<p>I don’t think the “fiscal cliff” has any affect on EFC.</p>
<p>I think the problem is that your mom has been withdrawing from her retirement. Those withdrawals are causing an increase in her income. Plus, if she’s still adding money to her retirement acct, those dollars are added in as well. </p>
<p>I think you should take the student loans and your mom should stop taking money out of her retirement.</p>
<p>don’t think she was always this way - I think a lot of you are right in that these very stressful situations have brought out the worst in her. She’s gone through a lot. The things I mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg, and she deserves kudos for not having gone totally insane as a result of what she’s had to deal with. I suppose I can see why she becomes so engrossed in TV… her real life has been a total mess</p>
<p>I think that’s what’s going on. Think about it. Your dad talked her into having a child and then your dad flakes, quits his job, and a divorce ensues. Your mom is left with all the responsibilities. You say that your mom is financially savvie, but because of your dad’s antics, her careful financial plans have taken a big hit. You may “get along” better with your dad, but it sounds like he’s been a large underlying factor about how your mom is feeling. It sounds like he’s “going thru” whatever money he was given thru the split of assets of the divorce. I don’t quite understand that statement about your dad wants to become homeless to “spite your mom”. That sounds very immature. You say that he’s unstable. Well, again, if he’s been that way for awhile, your mom likely has had to be the only adult in the family, and that has worn on her and made her angry. </p>
<p>Be careful with how you portray your relationship with your dad to your mom. If your mom sees herself as the one left “holding the bag” and supporting the child, while you go on about how much better you get along with your dad, that’s not going to go well with your mom.</p>
<p>Hopefully you can find a way to get along better with mom. The idea of buying her a TV for her room is good. There are a number of smaller TVs that don’t cost a lot of money. If she has the right kind of hookups in her room that could work.</p>
<p>kittycat – your mom should think twice about taking money out of her retirement instead of letting you take loans now. It’s VERY nice of her, but she isn’t going to be able to take out loans for retirement. And as mom2 says, taking money out of retirement reduces your eligibility for financial aid. </p>
<p>Your mom might be interested to read the book “Paying for College Without Going Broke” by Kalman Chaney. Especially if she’s good with financial matters in general, it will help explain some of those subtleties to her so that she doesn’t make disadvantageous choices without realizing it. </p>
<p>Stafford loans can be subsidized or unsubsidized. Still with an EFC of 3000, if your only financial aid is the Pell, you should still be getting offered subsidized loans. I believe that you are eligible for subsidized loans unless your need is fully met. If your school is meeting full need and your mom is only taking the money out to cover EFC, then you’re in better shape than I think most of us are imagining.</p>
<p>I think you have received some good advice so far. I would also like to add that an overwhelming devotion to TV, such that it interferes with real life and mother/daughter relationship needs to be addressed as well. </p>
<p>You should make efforts to extract your mom from the easy escapism of TV and get her more involved in real life and your life. Ask her to bake cookies with you, or go to free night at the museum, or a lecture at the library, or a walk in the park, or play gin rummy, or anything that will get her more engaged in life and less devoted to TV. </p>
<p>I know you probably don’t have oodles of free time for these activities, but every little bit will be helpful.</p>
<p>FIrst of all if your mother took retirement money out of a qualified plan, she had to report the withdrawal on her tax forms, pay tax on them and the amount became income for the upcoming year’s FAFSA as well. So unless it is the final year of school, it is not a wise thing to do. </p>
<p>What is the tution cost for this school? You say you are a junior–does this mean just next year and you are done, or are you going into junior year next fall? </p>
<p>The cheapest way I have seen kids move out of the home is to keep eyes and ears open for any students who are open to a room share for little bucks. Kids who are already in a house or apartment share who find they are tight for the cash may decide to do open up the apartment and the bedroom for a share in the costs. Still, that can cost. </p>
<p>That you incur more costs, that is have a higher Cost of Attendance does not translate to more money the school will give you. You are entitled to a PELL and $6500 in Direct loans in your own name, and that is all the federal government is guaranteed to give you whether your EFC is zero and your COA is $40K or whether you are at the PELL maximum and your COA is at the minumum to support those government amounts. Where were you thinking the money was going to come from to pay for your living outside of your mother’s home.</p>