Moving Out Versus Helping Parents

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hey, I originally posted this elsewhere, but was advised that this may be a more appropriate place for it. If cross-posting is a problem, I apologize.</p>

<p>I'm starting classes on Wednesday and was thinking of moving away from my parents' house. While I have plenty of freedom here, I always feel so much pressure all the time to stay focused on school, with alarm bells ringing whenever I try to add some social endeavors to the mix, that I don't think I can handle it much longer. My parents are charging me to stay here, as well, so it's not really a matter of finances in whether or not I should (or can) move. One option is to live for free (or however much I feel is appropriate to help out) with some family that I seem to mesh with better. It's about 15 minutes further from my college than my parents' house, but I have a fuel-efficient car, patience, and no job (I have essentially a full ride scholarship/financial aid combo), so I don't think that matters much.</p>

<p>The problem is that my parents' (precarious) budget was designed to include $300 a month from a disability check I received for being minor dependent of my mother, who is disabled. Now that that's stopped, I've been feeling a great deal of pressure to help out financially, colliding with the stress of making sure that ends meet from my financial aid. When I brought up moving out at the beginning of the summer, my dad argued that that would hurt them more than help them, as they would have no grounds to expect compensation from me.</p>

<p>I don't really know what to do. I feel that moving into a lower-stress environment where there's less focus on financial problems would free up more of my energy to focus on getting good grades. I also am concerned that if they are pressuring me to help them now, when I'm likely at one of my lowest points of my adult life financially, that it will only get worse once I begin bringing in a steady income. I'm eventually going to need to move out anyways, and their financial situation is unlikely to improve before then. On the other hand, there's a lot of my stuff that I would have to leave behind (like my old bed and desk) that precludes me moving out on bad terms, and it's very difficult for me to try to explain long-term possibilities to people who live from paycheck to paycheck and refuse to share any of their financial information with me.</p>

<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>

2

<p>You are in a tough spot feeling obligated to your parents. My gut reaction is to ask you if you really could afford to move out. Have you considered all of the costs associated with being on your own. Are you paying your own car insurance, cell phone plan, and food bills? I would suggest really giving the financial end of it some thought and see if it is something you could do without adding to your list of concerns.</p>

3

<p>They are your parents! Family! And it sounds like they really need help.</p>

<p>I suggest you get a part time job – maybe 10 hours a week. Fifteen or twenty hours if you can swing it. Organize your classes so there’s not a lot of downtime between them, and then find a steady 2 full days or 4 part days job and you should have plenty of cash to contribute and still have a little spending money for you. </p>

<p>There are seven days in a week. I know (and have working for me) college students carrying a full time load with 2 days of classes. </p>

<p>Good luck … your education and your family are worth the effort.</p>

4

<p>If you can afford to move out without taking money from your parents I think you should be able to do so. If you have some expectation that they will contribute to your living expenses while they are broke, that’s wrong. You are smart to realize they may never let you go if they are relying on you financially. You are not obligated to stay living with them so they can get by. That’s incredibly toxic psychologically.</p>

5

<p>Tirannwn. Wow, a difficult problem for all involved. </p>

<p>You need to write down and understand the financial facts of your situation before you make any moves no matter how trapped you are feeling.</p>

<p>Here are some costs associated with moving out:
Car insurance, upkeep,gas and registration (usually all adds up to about $300 a month)
Medical insurance.How are you covered now and will you continue to be covered if you move out. Co-pays. Prerscriptions.
Food.
Laundry.
Cable access for computer.
Cell phone.</p>

<p>School costs: Books, printing charges for papers, parking charge</p>

<p>Financial aid and scholarships and the rising cost of college each year.
Are scholarships for all 4 years. Do they increase with the cost of school or stay the same? Your financial aid may also change each year.</p>

<p>Many young people your age are eager to leave home to become independent. For many it is just not possible and this can be very frustrating. Even young adults working full time after school is finished find that they need two jobs in order to move out. The honest truth is the economy stinks right now. Many people are finding less money in their pockets at the end of the month due to increased daily costs and higher taxes accompanied by no raises or in some peoples world less wages than last year.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you take a deep breath and find a way to talk with your family about your need for more independence and freedom while you live at home. Not easy, I know. I would ask for a family meeting to discuss this and I would tell them the topic beforehand so that they can have time to think about it before you all start talking.</p>

<p>Maybe moving out does not have to be the answer at this time.</p>

<p>You will move out eventually and be indendent. You might always have to help in some way. You can do this, maybe just not right now.</p>

<p>I know this is not the answer you are hoping for. Answer the above financial questions and you will be closer to an answer.</p>

6

<p>sax makes many good points</p>

<p>I assume your financial aid is tied to your parents completing the forms annually. That is another aspect you must carefully consider – What if they refuse to complete the forms? You should discuss that with the Aid office at your school.</p>

<p>You already know this will cause problems with your parents; are you prepared for the emotional fall out if you do leave?</p>

<p>If you can truly be financially independent from your parents, then I would move out if I were you. I am prone to depression and very effected by my environment. But, that is me, only you can decide if the emotional aspect is worth the damage it will do to your relationship with your parents.</p>

7

<p>Why not do both? </p>

<p>From your description the main reason your parents want you to stay there is to contribute money to the household. The main reason you want to move out is for some freedom right now, which is completely understandable, and ultimately independence. </p>

<p>You say you have no job, are no longer collecting the disability money, yet are paying them to live there. How do you do this if you have no income? You indicate they want you to get a job. Do they expect you to hand over your entire paycheck to them? You also say that you can live free or close to it with other relatives.</p>

<p>IMO this is not the time in your life when your parents should be expecting you to support them. This is the time for you to focus on your education so you can get positioned so that ultimately you can earn a reasonable income and not be in the current financial position your parents are in. That financial health will also enable you to better contribute even more financially to your parents later and they need to realize this. If they’re only looking at this in the short term, i.e. the immediate cash from you, then they’re derailing not only your future but themselves as well since they seem to be dependent on you somewhat.</p>

<p>Back to doing both - assuming you have some income, why not move out and live with your other relatives and just keep contributing some amount to your parents even though you’re no longer living there? It would cost you no more than it already does. Ideally, you should contribute at least something to the family you’re staying with as well. </p>

<p>Assuming you don’t really have an income any longer, you can get a part time job for during the school year and full time in the summers which should bring in more than enough to contribute $200 or so per month to your parents if that’s what you choose to do. If you’re not living there, their costs go down so the $200/mo with you not there is probably the equivalent $300/mo or even more if you were staying there.</p>

<p>Ultimately you don’t have to do anything if you’re not dependent on your parents for anything but of course, it would be nice if you want to contribute but just don’t derail your future in doing so or it’ll negatively impact you and the parents as well - they need to realize this.</p>

8

<p>momma-three: All of the things listed are things I would be expected to be paying for myself if I continued to live here regardless. I’m not talking moving out on my own, either, just moving in with family that aren’t in such a tight spot.</p>

<p>cnp55: I have a 17 credit load that begins next week. I can’t condense that any more than I already have. There’s only a 30 minute gap for lunch. And also, what am I supposed to do once I graduate then? How long am I expected to live there just so I can support them? Their income is such that it is highly unlikely to increase at any point.</p>

<p>electronblue: I’m not expecting any money from them whether I stay or go. So far I’ve had to struggle just to convince them that I won’t be able to go to college if they keep “borrowing” money from me before my aid comes in, as a matter of fact. Right now they owe me $30 and I’ll be lucky to have enough money for gas after the exorbitant parking charge.</p>

<p>sax: I am expected to pay for all of that (with the exception of internet and phone, due to being on a wireless network for cable, and being the least expensive line of the family phone plan). Also, I have never had medical insurance as I was, and am, expected to pay for that as well, and have been unable to. Luckily, my college is also the biggest medical center in the state, so they offer basic services to students for free. This isn’t about independence and freedom, I already have that for the most part. It’s about feeling like I can’t afford to live in my own home.</p>

<p>Longhaul: My relationship with my parents has been rocky ever since I turned 16 really. It just seems like all we ever talk about now are what they expect of me academically and financially. One of my friends thinks that them trying to guilt me into staying is just a ruse to keep me from leaving the nest.</p>

<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad: I haven’t actually been able to contribute much of anything during the summer as another relative borrowed much of my savings and then informed me that I would get it back when her (old, small) house sold, after paying the mortgage and back taxes on it… I’ve been getting by on what remained of my savings that I got by not spending a penny of a part time job I had for a year when I turned 16. </p>

<p>“If they’re only looking at this in the short term, i.e. the immediate cash from you, then they’re derailing not only your future but themselves as well since they seem to be dependent on you somewhat.”</p>

<p>This is exactly what I’ve been the most frustrated about. They always think in the short term. This is why I’m reluctant to help them more than just supporting myself for them. I have no way of being certain that they are using the money responsibly or just using the extra income to get more things they don’t need. To see them when their tax returns come in baffles me.</p>

<p>“why not move out and live with your other relatives and just keep contributing some amount to your parents even though you’re no longer living there?”</p>

<p>I suggested this to my dad and he was appalled at the idea of “taking my money”. He clings to the idea of “rent” to make him feel like he’s right for charging me right now.</p>

9

<p>I wouldn’t be too quick to move to another home. You seem to have enough stress at the moment, and the guilt will follow you wherever you go. As you get older, you’ll realize that a lot of people make demands of you, and it is up to you to set limits. This part of your narrative really bothers me:
“I haven’t actually been able to contribute much of anything during the summer as another relative borrowed much of my savings and then informed me that I would get it back when her (old, small) house sold, after paying the mortgage and back taxes on it.” I cannot believe your parents let a relative do that without your consent and a written agreement of some kind. You cannot count on ever seeing that money again. </p>

<p>The part about not wanting to take money from you without it being “rent” is interesting. Because your parents have this financial structure set in their minds, it will take a long time to alter their thinking. You need to get a sense of what income they have and where it is going. It looks like you may become the dominant adult in financial areas, but you aren’t there yet, and you are going to need some kind of income before you can sort out your options. Take at least a month to get used to the demands of school, and rethink this over fall break. Check out the employment options at school, and also consider a full time, temp job over Christmas break in your community, since you have the advantage of being in the area.</p>

10

<p>

He can’t really have it both ways - either you’re paying rent of your own free will, which means you can move out and quit paying rent anytime you want, or you’re really just donating money (i.e. they’re ‘taking your money’) to the household that they happen to be calling ‘rent’ but really isn’t. Has anyone sat down and figured out the cost of you staying in the home? Usually there’s extra cost in the form of food, soap, utilities, etc. Have you thought through things like health insurance, car insurance and the like if you plan to really be independent?</p>

<p>I think you should first decide whether you want to move out or not for your non-financial reasons regardless of any money paid to the household. If you decide you want to move out, which it sounds as if you do, then you can , if you want to, extend an offer to your family that you’ll pay them some amount of money/mo after you’re able to secure a part time job (while still prioritizing the education) and that the purpose of it is just to help them out for right now and if someday they want to reimburse you for it that’d be fine and if not, that’d be fine as well. That way your parents can view it as a loan even though it likely will end up not really being one - i.e. you’re unlikely to ever get the money back so make sure you won’t have negative feelings if that happens. If your parents don’t want to receive the money after you move out then that’s fine too - even better actually since your parents shouldn’t be dependent on your income. regardless, you can move out either way.</p>

11

<p>If you have time, stop by the public library and see if they have any of the personal finance books written by Michelle Singletary. She is a regular columnist for the Washington Post, and also has a program on National Public Radio. In addition to getting useful information about making your personal budget work, her books will give you sound advice on dealing with relatives who ask you for money. This will help you sort out which of your relatives are abusing your good nature, and which aren’t.</p>

<p>Ultimately, your parents will have to sort out their income business for themselves. Yes, there will be a period of adjustment now that you are no longer a minor. However, no one else seems to be looking out for you. You need to look out for yourself. This means keeping every cent of your college money for college-related expenses. If you are using some of that to pay rent to them instead of to a different landlord, so be it, but please, please, please, don’t let them talk you into paying for any expense not directly related to your personal needs.</p>

12

<p>Maybe the deal with your dad could be that you’ll stay and pay if they keep quiet about your social life. You also need to tell your parents that at some point u won’t live there so they need to figure out how to bring in more money. any time they insist that you live with them and pay then you insist that they disclose their financial situation. Are they very low income?</p>

13

<p>It sounds to me like you are somewhat “parentified” - to your own parents! Most of us do not have to deal with this until our parents are elderly and we are middle aged, and it is tough then. I feel for you!
There are more issues here than meet the eye, and they are not all financial - I would suggest that if that fantastic medical center offers therapists, avail yourself of this opportunity. You do not need to feel guilty for wanting to be independent. It is normal.
On the other hand, would the other family accept a trade of housing for some chores, and then you could still “lend” your parents some money? Could you possibly give up your car, which would save a lot of money?
Good luck!</p>

14

<p>I don’t think that parents should be expecting their college-age child to support THEM. I can see them not giving him(her? sorry!) any money, if they don’t have any - sounds like he doesn’t need it if he has a full-tuition scholarship. </p>

<p>

That’s not a healthy situation. If they really need your financial contribution, it would be the kind thing to stay. But if they’re using your education money for other things, that’s not right. </p>

<p>It seems to me like you’re holding the cards here. You can try a polite version of, “Mom and Dad, if you want me to stay here and give you money, then you need to let me have a social life and get off my back about my grades.” It’s kind of the same thing we tell parents to tell kids who are living home but refuse to follow rules: My house, my rules. Only in your case, it could be: my money, my rules. (This is of course assuming that by social life you don’t mean drinking binges, etc, and that you are getting reasonably good grades).</p>

15

<p>I get the feeling your family is not from this country? I wondered, because either the cultural expectations within your family, both your own and extended, seem kind of different from American norms, or alternatively, your story doesn’t really add up in a way that makes sense to me. Is money seen as a ‘collective’ resource in your family? Why did you loan your relative all your savings, and why would an adult relative, who owns a house, borrow money from a teen-age relative? Also, I have to wonder, if these kinds of financial concerns are foremost in your mind, then why is it OK to essentially freeload off another family member by moving in with them just because they are better off? Seems a little hypocritical. Your father being touchy about your contributing, without being able to justify it as ‘rent’ also seems a bit off. </p>

<p>Given your family culture, you will probably have to contribute some money to your parents for the rest of their lives, or live with the consequences of refusing. This is a very difficult situation. Only you can decide what you can live with.</p>

<p>For now, have you tried talking to your parents about your feelings about how they pressure you? That you are considering moving out from the stress of their pressures? since you say that otherwise you have plenty of freedom, it doesn’t sound like they interfere with your social life, but it’s the oppression of their worries and anxiety for the future that are taking a toll on you. It’s a burden for a young person to bear, but really, you are very lucky. You have a full scholarship, so you must have a promising future. Perhaps it would help to share your optimism about your future with them, to get them to a more hopeful mindset. People who are hopeful about the future are less anxious.</p>

16

<p>I talked to my mom tonight and she mentioned they may be moving (they rent, so it’s not as difficult for them as some) whether I stay or not. They seem like they aren’t waiting around for me to make all their decisions. I worry that they’ll want me to “help out” with their moving costs, but even if they did, it would be cheaper than paying them monthly for an indefinite amount of time for them to stay here, especially as the portion of the house they reside in is comparable to the sort of places they’d be looking at. </p>

<p>I’m a very low maintenance sort of person, so all I’d need to bring would be my computer (I’m a computer science major, can’t skimp on that) and my clothes, making it an easily implemented and easily reversed situation. They aren’t going to be facing any dire circumstances from my absence, and if their pride won’t let them accept a smaller contribution in my absence then that’s something they’ll have to face sooner or later anyways. I’m not sure that my dad will be fully supportive of my plan, but as there’s no cost involved with the move or the stay there, he won’t have any grounds for debate beyond insisting that being in a more social house will harm my grades. I can’t afford the $300/month it would take to allow them the same lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to, and anything less than that would likely result in them making the same accommodations for their lower income while using my contribution for more frequent spending.</p>

<p>Losing my car isn’t an option at all, as we’re talking about a 40 minute commute from my current house, and 50 from the place I’d be moving to, as I couldn’t afford the housing costs of either dorms or apartments in the city I’m attending school in, as it’s one of the biggest cities in the state. I’m female btw, I know those things can get confusing on a forum :).</p>

<p>Thanks for all of the advice. I think I want to go the route of discouraging them from crying wolf if they can handle themselves without my help now, considering how much help they will probably need later in life, particularly my mom, who is likely to have serious problems as she ages as a result of her brain injury. Obviously I’m not going to let them land into a dangerous or otherwise unacceptable situation, but barring those situations, nobody is going to benefit in the long term if I share my limited funds now, only for it to drop to no funds when I eventually move out, or am on the job search.</p>

<p>I appreciate all of the advice, and I’ll keep up with this thread. At this point my biggest concern will be approaching my dad about it, who’s been irritable since my mom’s accident, and even more so since my check stopped.</p>

<p>Edited to add:
Mousegray, no, I’m a born and raised America, with parents the same. The incident with the relative borrowing money was that she was in a tight spot and, I’ll admit now, looking for somebody who would accept “I have an emergency and only you can help me” as grounds for a $750 loan. When the rest of the family heard of what had happened they were furious with her. They also greatly frown on my parents wanting to charge me for living here, prompting all of them to offer a place with them instead in response. I would never have considered such a thing if it hadn’t been adamantly offered so many times. I’ve spoken to my parents about the pressures I feel from them, and they excuse it away as being “their job” and make no effort to correct it.</p>

17

<p>Wow. I have nothing additional to add except to say that you are the most mature and responsible person I could ever imagine. I feel certain that you will be able to work out the situation, one way or another. You will probably be earning a very good income in the future, as a computer science major. Which I’m hoping that your parents don’t have their eyes on!</p>

18

<p>I am amazed at your maturity also. And you write very well - I am moved by your situation, and wish all the best for you. Don’t be afraid to let people at school know that you are completely self-supporting. Go to office hours and talk to your teachers. Some of the best jobs on campus are internships and other jobs that professors can hire for directly, or recommend a student, and you certainly deserve a chance at these.</p>

19

<p>I vote for leaving.</p>

<p>Read up on toxic parents. The library should have something on that. If they’re not upfront about their financial details and yet want your money to support their lifestyle, something else is going on. And your leaving really seems like you’d save them $300/month, with food and utilities and all.</p>

<p>You can help them out far more by leaving, focusing on your studies and getting a good job. Then in the future you can “help out.” Tell your dad that demanding support from you now just decreases the amount you can give them in the future. Don’t undermine your education.</p>

20

<p>Here’s another cheer for you as you tackle this heart-rending issue. You’ve demonstrated remarkable maturity. I wish you courage as you resolve this issue and hope you can quickly move on to the challenge and fun of college life!</p>

<p>You’ve figured out you’ll face many variations of “How much help should I give my parents?” over the years and that the biggest element implicates the natural emotional tug of war between love and obligation and the guilt that results when we feel like we’re pulling for the wrong side. Who’s to say which is the wrong or right side? Only you, and the wrong side today could be the right side the next time you have to answer the question. The key is, once you’ve researched and sought guidance, trust yourself to make the best possible decision considering all of the circumstances, clearly communicate your decision to prevent unrealistic expectations…and then be at peace with it. </p>

<p>I’m a parent, and I’ll tell you how this issue has been handled in our family and my husband’s family for generations: We raise our children for this very day when you strike out as independent young adults. We don’t want your precious chance to pursue your dreams to be compromised in any way by familial obligation. One day, when we are old and grey, if the circumstances are that we could use some assistance and you are financially able, you can lend any help you want out of love, but never obligation. (And that is where we are now, part of the proverbial “sandwich generation,” feeling privileged to be able to help our parents…out of love…while at the same time we’re also privileged to help our children obtain an undergraduate education…out of love.)</p>

<p>So…you can predict my response to your dilemma. Although it sounds harsh, I encourage you to strongly consider answering “None” to the question, “How much help should I give my parents?” Your parents have always known the disability checks would end. Whether they didn’t plan well for that eventuality or the nation’s economic downturn negatively impacted their plans, it is not your obligation to rescue them. Out of love, if you want to gift them with in-kind or monetary support as and when you may be able to afford it AFTER you fully pay your costs of education and living, i.e., have zero debt, then that’s great. But it is also great if you decide instead to treat yourself out of discretionary funds, i.e., you are not a bad child if you decide not to extend a gift!</p>

<p>Deep down inside, I have to believe your parents would agree with this approach. But we all can suffer distorted reasoning when burdened by financial distress and chronic strains like a disability. And some family value systems are different from and conflict with the personal value system you have developed. It’s certainly hard to parse all of these things objectively when they are tied to so many emotions. </p>

<p>Best wishes.</p>