"Moving to New York On My Own, at 17": NYU Transfer Personal Essay and Questions Beyond

College Essays
1

<p>Hello all, </p>

<p>I apologize my first post is myself sharing my own essay for critique. I hope to contribute something unique to this forum and participate in helping other students through their admissions endeavors as I gain some clarity through my own. </p>

<p>I embarked on an alternative path for my high school education, below is an explanation that will be attached in my common application for transfer:</p>

<p>"After completing middle school at age fourteen, my parents and I wanted to explore accelerated education options. We became aware of a program at my local community college for high school students who are proficient enough to place into college level courses called the "State-Issued High School Diploma Thirty (30) College Credit Program". This program is available to all students who do not hold a high school or college diploma, and entails applying to community college through the usual processes of application, including a placement test. After completing my placement test, I was able to immediately begin taking college courses in place of traditional high school without completing any pre-requisite or remedial courses. I adhered to the coursework requirements of the Thirty-College Credit Route program, which entailed earning thirty general education credits including a minimum of three credits in each: English language arts, mathematics, science, social studies; and six total credits in my chosen interest of visual arts. I concluded all of the 30 credits of coursework with a GPA of 3.67 at the age of fifteen, and received my official State Issued Diploma after turning sixteen according to the State-Issued High School Diploma Thirty (30) College Credit Program" requirements. I remained in the community college for two semesters following, continuing to explore educational and creative opportunities within the institution."</p>

<p>Please let me know if this explanation is clear. </p>

<p>I'd love to know what someone's first reactions of my personal essay (below) are like from an outsider perspective, and how I could best convey the ideas I'm trying to express. Please see below: </p>

<p>​"My knees are overcome by a feeling unfamiliar. I am on fire, exhilarated by contractions of every muscular fiber: New York. I’m beginning to take note of the visual intricacies of my commute every day. That "Blue" graffiti tag dribbling down the side of the median on the Pulaski, in the most vibrant of inks I've yet to encounter in my inevitable back-and-fourth from my apartment to the 7 Train. It seems they don’t remove artful graffiti in my new neighborhood, I feel settled. These intricacies motivate me along my path to work. I still catch myself overcome each morning, considering what has lead up to these moments.
Moving to New York has been an intrinsic goal of mine since I have had the ability to sense an eclectic atmosphere. I would beg my father to take a Saturday train in with me to tour the different photographic exhibitions and creative projects I curiously sought out online. We would save up and visit, often once every few months. These journeys were an integral aspect of my childhood, and are a dear illustration to me of my parents’ support in enabling me as a creative thinker.</p>

<p>Not soon later, New York and I naturally crossed paths. After graduating from an accelerated high school program at the age of sixteen and briefly studying design at community college, I had the opportunity to participate in an audio engineering program with my parents’ support. My courses lead me to draw inspiration from the amalgamation of commanding figures I found myself in the presence of, and instilled practical technical knowledge that enabled me creatively. However, I was extremely fearful the cauldron of opportunities at hand would evaporate away when my courses concluded and I had to go back home. I couldn’t leave; I had developed an unrelenting passion for New York. I persisted to find a solution to stay close to the abundant opportunities at hand and began searching for work, finding myself seeking mentorship and to explore what I wanted to study in college.</p>

<p>In my endeavors to find work to fund my prospective relocation I hoped to find a position entailing creative autonomy. I worked my way through initially undesirable temporary jobs that instilled work ethic and unveiled my persistence. I eventually developed my portfolio, attained a graphic design position, and have been living in New York since.</p>

<p>Like the successful mentors that have inspired me through my brief work experiences, I am yearning to learn to execute my entrepreneurial inclinations. I have discovered that my dharma to illustrate concepts and feelings which cannot be expressed through any other formats but visual media (especially digital) is an inclination that has led me to find immense passion, yet I have faulted myself over a lack of technical abilities to bring those ideas to their most abundant potential. The academic community at New York University offers a compelling array of solutions to empower my ideas to excel. I think the management minor offered could enable my business curiosities to flourish, and I feel the Global Visual Art minor may offer me remarkable exposure to new viewpoints in art. To tie these cross-disciplinary interests together, the major courses offered in the Computer Science Department would accelerate my technical abilities, advancing my creative musings into fully executed user experiences. It would be a privilege to work with professors like Yann Lecun, whose technical research in back propagation has made industry breakthroughs that have affected my day-to-day life.</p>

<p>I think that facilitating my ability to manifest creative concepts into tangibility through a fundamental understanding of full stack programming, mathematical thinking, global visual art exposure, and project leadership skills, along with the vibrant student community at NYU I have encountered, will best prepare me for every future career and academic endeavor I may be situated in. I would love experiencing such a distinctly fitting, yet dynamic myriad of opportunities." </p>

<p>TLDR: My main concern is that my writing is general quite technical, I feel I have trouble expressing humility. In addition to my concerns over my NYU application, I am considering applying for more rigorous programs. I had the suggestion from a potential application tutor I ended up not being able to afford to apply for Brown's Computer Science program, and have spent time researching Cornell's, UPenn's and Columbia's programs. The prospect of combining interdisciplinary programs in design and computer science is growingly important to me, so the courses offered at Brown, Columbia, and NYU are most compelling. My GPA coming out of community college was 3.46, my grades dropped from A's to B's around my second year due to quite depressing family circumstances. I'm hoping the context of my latest endeavors will bring something to the table compelling enough to discern me from other candidates. I have basically no money and little financial support from my family, 0 from my parents. I'm aware the odds are not quite in my favor, but after this transformative year experimenting in life outside of school, I have found immense inspiration and completely reevaluated my values of education and reconsidered what I am capable of achieving. Any insight would be an honor. </p>

2

<p>Do you have an Associate’s degree or did you just get your high school equivalency at the community college? You’re going to be a transfer, which is tough enough, but the amount of credits that transfer will depend on whether the 4-year college you enroll in takes credits that were used to meet high school graduation requirements. Some don’t.</p>

<p>If you get into NYU, how are you going to pay for it? NYU is known for being stingy with aid, especially with transfers. If you have no money and your parents can’t help, the most you could get is a federal Pell Award (around $5k), and federal loans of $5500-7500/year (depending on the year you’re in). </p>

<p>I think you need to pick a list of affordable schools that you have a good chance of being accepted to, then tailor your apps and essays to each of them.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

3

<p>Hey austinmshauri, I would probably pursue a private loan with a cosigner, is that not possible with a viable cosigner (elderly family member, not my parents), federal student aid, and the school’s need-based financial aid? According to NYU’s tuition estimator my total grant aid would be $38,000 (“Includes both merit and need based grant and scholarship aid from Federal, State, or Local Governments, or the Institution”). Is this estimator inaccurate? </p>

<p>Concerning my credits, I do not have an associates degree, I have 49 credits. As far as the universities’ policies with transferring credits, it doesn’t look very promising, so I haven’t gotten my hopes up. I don’t really mind whether the credits transfer, I just want a 4 year degree from an exceptional school with a great computer science program. Retaking the general ed classes would honestly be fine with me. </p>

4

<p>The writing is far too dense, not relaxed at all. Take a hint from Ernest Hemingway. You could turn it in as is and be perfectly fine, but I’d turn down the word choice a little. </p>

5

<p>Thanks for the feedback, bassguitar. The writing and word choices are not beyond my usual style- maybe that’s where the issue lies- so I will certainly consider that and go through. Pulling at emotions through writing has never been my strong suit, hence my prospective major being an engineering degree. </p>

6

<p>@maxi0000 - The essay is too long, the writing is somewhat contrived and tortured, and there are several errors that would cause an admissions officer to cringe.

</p>

<p>These are just a few examples that represent out and out mistakes or clauses that don’t appear to go with the rest of the sentence. There are many others. I also don’t get the flow of time in your first paragraph. You start out as already living in NYC and then suddenly you are a child taking trips into the city. Perhaps you meant to start a new paragraph there, so that at least I can understand. But overall you need a much tighter essay in far more natural language.</p>

<p>In a separate piece of advice, if you are talking about taking on over $50,000 in debt to complete a degree at NYU, I would strongly urge you to look at less expensive options.</p>

7

<p>An elderly relative would have to qualify for the loan freshman year, then every year after for as long as you’re in school. If they qualify the first year but don’t qualify later on, you’ll likely find yourself in the same position as a lot of other young people who have huge debts but no money to attend another school, no job, and no degree. If your relative dies unexpectedly before you finish, how will you pay for school? If you owe one school, you can’t get your records released to a 2nd until you pay off the 1st debt. </p>

<p>The federal aid mentioned in the Net Price Calculator likely includes loans, so how much debt are you considering taking on per year, and how much total? In most cases, students shouldn’t take on more than the federal student debt limits ($5500/freshman, $6500/soph, $7500/junior, $7500/senior or $27k) over 4 years of undergrad. Those aren’t just suggested limits; they’re the max federal loans you can take per year. How old are you? The accuracy of the calculators depends on whether you put accurate data in. If you’re under 24, you’re most likely considered a dependent for financial aid, so your parents financial info. matters.</p>

<p>Since you’re already living in NY, why not explore the CUNY system? If you want a degree from NYU, it would be cheaper to do 2 years at a CUNY and only the last 2 at NYU.</p>

8

<p>If you’ve been on CC, you know the advice is not to post your app essays, for many reasons. Agree the writing needs editing for clarity and simplicity, which convey strengths, and to make the right points. Also, apologies, but this all reads like a different sort of writing exercise, not one aimed at adcoms. If you are serious, have a teacher read it, preferably an English teacher. It’s not too “technical,” it’s too convoluted. Just answer their questions.</p>

<p>And, don’t go to a school you can’t afford without going into serious hock or putting the burden on some relative. </p>

9

<p>Look for other threads that discuss paying for NYU and those that discuss how to select matches and safety schools. I think NYU is a reach for you, but even if it wasn’t you need a list of schools to apply to in case one doesn’t work out. And search out veteran posters like thumper1, mom2collegekids, fallenchemist, ucbalumnus, and cptofthehouse – they’ll be able to give you sound advice on the financing. My opinion is that the difference between NYU’s $62K COA and the $38K “grant aid” you got from the Net Price Calculator is far too high. You’d need someone to borrow a minimum of $20K/year for you (more if the maximum federal loan you can borrow is included in the $38K). The first year would put you at the maximum most students should borrow over the course of 4 years; any college that requires you to borrow anywhere near $100K is unaffordable. I think you should focus on finding affordable schools that you have a reasonable chance of getting accepted to based on your stats, then worry about assembling a competitive application.</p>

10

<p>It seems like you already know this, but your writing has no emotion. All I see is fluff.</p>