My college essay. Help me please

Applying to College
1

Can’t find anyone to revise my essay so im left with no choice but to post in in a forum. I would like some feedback via questions posted after my essay:

*Whenever I turn on the news, read publications or listen to the radio I am constantly bombarded with statistics and comments about how bad voter turnout is; how this downward trend “puts our democracy under jeopardy”. In response, there have been many pieces of legislation passed trying to simplify the process, such as the motor voter bill. Numerous ad campaigns launched at encouraging more voter turnout, ranging from TV to the basic billboard. Various interest groups have also stepped up to the plate encouraging more people to vote, specifically for their candidate. With all this promotional cheerleading going on, I always ask myself, “Do the people who chose not to vote really care about the real issues?”

There have been many theories out there by commentators and members of academia about why voter turnout has been so low: gerrymandering, complicated registration process, Electoral College, two party systems etc. The list is endless. In some circumstances some of those theories would prove true, but in my experience and observations, those theories only apply to a minority of non-voters. The majority of non-voters in my opinion simply don’t care and therefore choose not to vote. I support their decision.

If those who don’t vote put a higher priority at watching people eating a male bull’s “soft parts” rather then being informed about the issues, I hope they are entertained. Don’t vote. Those out there who put more importance in watching Johnny Knoxville abuse and inflict serious bodily harm centered around his crotch or other shows that encourage various acts of gross stupidity then spending a mere 30 minutes to keep informed about what’s going on around you, I hope you have a good laugh. Do all of us a favor and don’t vote.

The 2004 election will bring in many returning and first time voters (such as myself just turning 18). I hope that all new and returning voters they take time to review the issues and really consider the repercussions of their vote, both positive and negative. I encourage and support everyone to vote that have reviewed the issue carefully, considered others viewpoints and have made up their own mind. I have respect for all well thought-out views even though they may disagree with me.

What I have a problem with is this; there are those who are going to vote because they were told who to vote for. All due respect, that is simply foolish. This country is a unique country in that it allows anyone to be a moron and vote accordingly, but it doesn’t mean they should.

If those out there are considering voting because some shock jock told them how to vote, I really hope they reconsider. Please don’t vote. Those voters out there are going to vote because it seems like it’s a new cool fad, please don’t. Those individuals out there are going to base their vote off some “stoned” rock stars going around the country telling who they need to vote for, I wish they would think twice and not vote at all. When Election Day comes and someone receives that ballot, they are asking what they, the individual thinks; not Bruise Springsteen, Alec Baldwin, Rush Limbah or Ann Coulter. I think all voters should take some time to research the issues that are important to them, keep relatively informed and when Election Day arrives, vote what their gut feeling tells them. If not, don’t vote at all

Our democracy has formed over thousands of years of human social evolution through wars, revolutions and human blood. Voting is not some trivial matter to be taken lightly; it should be treated with a sense of utmost responsibility and privilege. Those who think otherwise and take this right trivially, should be ashamed. *

If you even bothered to read it, I have 5 questions…

1)this appropriate for a college application essay?
2)Any writing convention errors you see? (This is my first draft)
3) Does it flow well?
4)Do you think college administrators will like it? (I’m hearing rumors that college administrators frown upon essays that encourage personal responsibility…)
5)Do you think my attitude toward this subject is misguided and absurd?

2

<p>Where are you applying?</p>

<p>I think your views are fine--the problem is, they're cliched and adcoms hate reading about "timely" topics.</p>

<p>I'd scrap it.</p>

3

<p>1) hm, doubtful....it helps a bit to see who you are, but perhaps shoudln't be expanded to an entire essay. Perhaps, a short question? It could be very much condensed.
2) biggie that comes to mind is that you have to vary your language. I'm in a bit of arush, but here: I encourage and support everyone to vote that have reviewed the issue carefully, considered others viewpoints and have made up their own mind. (not 'that')
3)it's sort of repetitive, though written quite well.
4) I think they won't be very excited, and won't think it deserves an entire essay.But it's good - I think it can be used somehow.
5) It does comes out as a little too one-sided and closedminded, but it does sound genuine.</p>

<p>: )</p>

4

<p>This is the third essay I have seen so far on voter apathy. My feeling is, this topic has been beaten to death. </p>

<p>The other comment I have is, telling people not to vote if they don't have an opinion on the candidates makes you sound like you don't understand the nature of democracy. People can and will vote for any reason and that should not stop them. As Churchill used to say :
'“Many forms of government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others that have been tried from time to time. "</p>

5

<p>To be honest with you, I did not read the whole essay thoroughly because right off I could tell this was not really the kind of essay that colleges are looking for. This essay is more like the kind you write for school where you have a thesis with supporting arguments. But college essays are a whole different ball of wax. They are nothing like the kind of essays you write for school. You do not have to support a thesis. Rather it is more of a narrative and personal story about you. Look at some examples in books on college essays to see the type of writing this needs to be. It needs to be very personal and include vignettes from your own life, rather than supporting an idea so much. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

6

<p>I just want to add that his is a good example of a persuasive essay, again one you would write for school. Instead of persuading the reader of an opinion (as this essay does), you want to persuade adoms to want to take you by showing them something about yourself in a narrative.</p>

7

<p>Thanks for the much needed and appreciated feedback. </p>

<p>The essay question was:
Discuss a personal issue, local, national or international and its importance to you.</p>

<p>From your responses, I can imply that the way this essay is constructed, it is not what colleges are looking for. How can I manipulate it in order to change that? I tried implying some personal attributes in this essay indirectly. I'm guessing it didn't work.</p>

<p>The reason why I chose this type of essay (full of sarcasm) is that I wanted it to be unique (although I need to iron out some cliches) and show my "down to earth" attitude toward this issued. I am assuming college administrators are tired of hearing the same old "I overcame this obstacle, I strived for excellence, I am excellent". Or "He/she inspired me, I worked hard, now I'm successful". Im guessing from the response I've received, that is not the case?</p>

<p>achat, I'm sorry that's what you took out of the essay. That is not the intended message. My message is basically, if you don't care about the issues, don't take the time to educate yourself about the issues and put more priority in less important matters (MTV's Jack@$$), I don't mean to suggest "Ban them from voting" im saying "Id rather you not vote." As I recall, I don't think I even suggested the notion that you shouldn't vote if you don't have an opinion about the candidate. We can debate the legitimacy of my argument after Im in college:). Oh and BTW, most of the essays you read about voter apthy, is it the usual "get out and vote"? </p>

<p>Side note: this is for Boston College and Boston University applying for January admission. (Deadline in 2 weeks, help me out people!)</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

8

<p>Ok, then I misunderstood, my bad. I have seen 2 essays on voter apathy so far, one on this forum and one elsewhere. I thought it was an over-used topic. And as Susan says, this does not say too much about your approach to problem-solving, although your personal opinion does come across this essay.</p>

<p>My son wrote on the same topic last year ('Write about an issue of national or international concern and why it is important and how you can change the outcome') and he wrote about religious fundamentalism in the world and specifically about Hindu fundamentalism in India. He wrote this essay for Swarthmore and one other school and got admitted to both. </p>

<p>But he did emphasize the personal angle as to how it affected him, his own family's views and family discussions etc. He also gave specific suggestions on how to make youth in India less inclined to join these fundamentalist organizations and in my view those were credible suggestions.</p>

<p>I would suggest taking the same approach then.</p>

9

<p>Even if the issue is local, national, or international, keep the essay very personal. Talk about your experiences with voter apathy. You're not writing a paper here; you're showing the college who you are. Ranting all you want about voter apathy doesn't reveal any characteristics of your personality.</p>

10

<p>You wrote, "From your responses, I can imply that the way this essay is constructed, it is not what colleges are looking for."</p>

<p>Just a piece of constructive criticism: "Imply" refers to the action of giving information. "Infer" refers to the action of receiving information.</p>

<p>Silly example: "I just saw the most beautiful pair of earrings in the jewelry store the other day. I've been searching for a pair like that for a long time! Oh, by the way, did you know that my birthday is next week?"</p>

<p>The speaker is implying that she wants someone to buy her a gift.</p>

<p>As a listener, you are inferring that she wants you to buy her a gift.</p>

<p>In simple terms, </p>

<p>imply = gives information</p>

<p>infer = receives or interprets information</p>

<p>Two people can listen to the exact same presidential debate and infer completely different outcomes!</p>

11

<p>The essay question was:
Discuss a personal issue, local, national or international and its importance to you.</p>

<p>The one thing your essay lacked was any personal tie to you. Other than you think people should vote, I know absolutely nothing about you from the essay.</p>

<p>You spoke about why voter apathy is not good for society, but why isn't it good for you personally? </p>

<p>Make the essay read like it comes specifically from YOU, not anyone else.</p>

<p>The 2004 election will bring in many returning and first time voters (such as myself just turning 18).</p>

<p>One more point of grammar. "Myself" is an antecedent, which means it refers back to another noun or pronoun in the sentence. For eg, "I gave it to her myself." "Myself" refers back to the pronoun "I."</p>

<p>For your sentence, you'd say, "such as my just turning 18." </p>

<p>Just a few minor points to consider. Hope they help.</p>

12

<p>It is "in jeopardy" not "under jeopardy." I'd leave out the reference to "blood" in the last paragraph. Too immature. Also, don't use trivially again in the last paragraph. Find another word..use a synonym. Too many redundancies in the whole essay by the way. You need to write something that reveals something about who you are. Just a thought.</p>

13

<p>I appreciate that you are trying to take a contrarian view here. Although voting is often discussed, I think that if it's an important issue to you and you have something fresh to say, that's fine. Your essay is another story though (read on).</p>

<p>I think that the initial question you pose, "Do the people who chose not to vote really care about the real issues?", is excellent and intriguing, as well as fresh. If you reworked this paragraph where you opened with this question, the reader will sit up and pay attention. </p>

<p>But your essay seems to veer in another direction--whether certain people should vote or not. If you are writing a conventional essay format, then you have to have a thesis in your opening paragraph that you will then defend. So there is some disjoint here.</p>

<p>As the the thesis your opening paragraph implies--the conclusion is burried in a paragraph later on: "The majority of non-voters in my opinion simply don’t care and therefore choose not to vote." I don't think you provide any support for this. The reader to supposed to go with the random unsupported 'opinion' of a 17 year old on this? You rely on vagueness "In some circumstances some of those theories would prove true". This is poor writing and poor argument--not specific enough.</p>

<p>Overall, I don't think the essay shows any intellectual rigour. I also think you can get your point across without resorting to the type of vulgarity you are despising in others. Bull's "soft parts" and Johnny K's crotch do not belong here. I do agree with the other poster that your interpretation of democracy is off (people should only vote for the 'right' reasons as defined by you?)</p>

<ol>
<li><p>appropriate?, not in current form</p></li>
<li><p>don't worry about writing convention errors in first draft--worry about content. but, you are sometimes talking in the 3rd person, and later talking to the reader as if they are the person not voting, this is a disjointed and the later is off-putting as well.</p></li>
<li><p>flow jumps around in parts, is repetitive in other parts. You do need to eliminate many tired and cliched phrases and tons of unnecessary and vague words.</p></li>
<li><p>honestly, I don't think they will like it. The arguments are too lazy to be persuasive, not well thought out intellectually, and simplistic. I don't think they frown on any type of statement that is well written and has an interesting and fresh take on a subject, even personal responsibility.</p></li>
<li><p>Misguided attitude? I think the attitude is cynical, distainful and superior (and factually off.) Although, I don't happen to agree with it, I think a more interesting and enjoyable essay could possibly emerge. There are some kernals that one could ponder. It did make me think quite a bit (but all my trains of thought led to the conclusion that the attitude is anti-democratic.) I'm just not sure on it.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I hope some of this is helpful. I did spent more time than I wanted, because it did make me think.</p>

14

<p>Thank you all for your help, especially bettina. From the responces i'm getting, I need to radically reconstruct my paper. There are major misconceptions people are reciving from this paper which are not intended</p>

<p>Misguided attitude? I think the attitude is cynical, distainful and superior (and factually off.) Although, I don't happen to agree with it, I think a more interesting and enjoyable essay could possibly emerge. There are some kernals that one could ponder. It did make me think quite a bit (but all my trains of thought led to the conclusion that the attitude is anti-democratic.) I'm just not sure on it. </p>

<p>What i was trying to get across is that if you don’t care about the issues, don't vote. Seeing that you came across this essay as anti-democratic means i have major revisions to make.</p>

15

<p>soozievt's words are worth repeating, This essay is more like the kind you write for school where you have a thesis with supporting arguments. But college essays are a whole different ball of wax. They are nothing like the kind of essays you write for school. You do not have to support a thesis. Rather it is more of a narrative and personal story about you.</p>

<p>One of the very first things you need to consider is its objective. Does a college entrance essay want you to argue or debate? More likely, they want to find out more about you. And unfortunately, your essay does not achieve that objective at all. That isn't to say that it's a bad essay, but it isn't appropriate for the intended purpose. </p>

<p>Constantly think about your objective. The question that you're really answering is, "Why should we admit you to our university?" You're auditioning for placement. They simply want to know who they're admiting. Your essay is your way to introduce yourself to them. To do that, you have to expose more of yourself.</p>

16

<p>I have to write a college essay and I have never written an essay. Any ideas or suggestions. The essay has to describe one of the following: a person/event/place/feeling/thought and I have to show its significance.
Please help.</p>

17

<p>To the op</p>

<p>First of all,I think the references to the mammalian genitalia and the generalization of the stupidity of your peers that are of your age are not only very gauche and unsophisticated, they also exude a sense of haughtiness and "high-horsemanship".
You cannot make such a sweeping generalization about your peers like this. College admissions officers do not like essays that suppose one is absolutely morally grounded while others are not, that one has presumably more wisdom and more experience when in reality this is not so. Voter turnout is a great issue to tackle, but you must confront it much more carefully. Saying that people shouldn't vote because they are somehow less qualified again is very dangerous.</p>

<p>I urge you to rethink the way you argue your ideas in this essay.</p>

<p>JW</p>