<p>Double, the entire "alpha female" lead clique from my neighborhood HS is at our flagship state u. They ended up on three floors in one of the big Freshman dorms; god help their roommates unless they grow up, develop a conscience, or discover the joys of Russian literature in lieu of $%^& behavior towards anyone they consider a geek, a freak, or overweight.</p>
<p>Why does this offend you? has nothing to do with your kids and has nothing to do with the other tens of thousands of kids on campus. But- if my daughter had borne the brunt of some of their terror during HS and middle school, I would have sold my house and moved to an apartment to allow her to go somewhere else. That's me... I'm clearly a bad parent compared with all you stoics out there.</p>
<p>Allmusic,
Oh, that article just about killed me. Not the part about private schools (heck, that stuff goes on everywhere, public or private; it's just that at private high schools everyone wants to believe it doesn't happen. LOL)...the part that gets me is the girls giving in and becoming dogs in heat to these guys. I brought this up in another thread and was flamed for it- how dare I suggest that girls shouldn't have the same sex drives as boys? Well, hello...let's all us girls just become playthings (backseat orals, anals, whatever...) for these guys...
AAAAhhhhh!<br>
Sorry, just had to vent.</p>
<p>Blossom,
And my kids went to a private high school and I could give you just as many examples of *****y, mean rich girls who went on to private schools. It goes on at all schools. No one has the corner on mean.</p>
<p>Blossom: I appreciate the humanity of your post and the courage to say it.</p>
<p>doubleplay: I understand your point exactly. And I agree. My kids went from tiny private to public middle school because it had more to offer. It was scary.</p>
<p>Blossom: Yes, it's difficult when a social group travels intact to college and maintains the same social pecking order. Girls seem more prone to this.</p>
<p>I still think OP can get payment deferred in case of medical issues.</p>
<p>This does highlight the heavy stakes the college process raises. Not only economic issues prevail here; the competition on L.I. is so fierce it does seem like a life and death situation to some. If the economic playing field were a bit leveled the process would not be so frought.</p>
<p>Basically, we are living in a society becoming increasingly competitive, and I think most of us are a bit anxious about our children's futures as we try to navigate a strangely complex system of higher ed.</p>
<p>I have mentioned this before- and I realize some live in environments where it may be more difficult to be an independent thinker and do what is best for the family/student, but if it is so difficult to find the "right fit" of a school, perhaps the student isn't ready for college, if the criteria are that limiting.</p>
<p>There isn't any shame in admitting that, and making some time off work to get a handle on health issues as well as to find an appropriate place.
( And dare I say- that if the OP didn't graduate- how good of a fit was this top 10 pricey education anyway?)
My kids are both young for their age ( actually the older one more so), and a year off before college- gives a chance to really be ready for college- and not be so dependent on a long laundry list of criteria- but more ready to benefit from the advantages that higher education can bring.</p>
<p>And I would agree that if health issues prevents a student from graduating and from obtaining work- there is a provision that ties payments to income-
DVR as I mentioned earlier may also be able to help .</p>
<p>To be honest if I were a girl with poor health in a similar situation (refusing to get a job) with my parents, my parents would do 1 of 3 things:</p>
<ol>
<li>Kick me out on the streat and not pay health insurance...even if I die</li>
<li>Make me marry rich...even if it's an old pervy abusive guy</li>
<li>Take me to court...even if it ruins my credit</li>
</ol>
<p>Now, I know that's probably not going to sound reasonable to most people, but that's because my parents raised me to take full AND absolute responsibility for my actions, even if it meant taking the glove off the hands and exposing me to true harm. I'm not suggesting this sort of thing however, knowing that my parents will not react kindly will make me think twice, no three times before doing something as knucleheaded as this. Since you have to pay off the loans so you don't screw over your credit I don't see any recourse except enlisting legal help. However, you should not pay for her health insurance or let her live in your house if she's absolutely refusing to look for a job. Make her get a job, if she's not ready to work she's not ready to live. Once she's getting a job (or 2), out of the kindness of your heart you can help pay off a reasonable sum of the loan until she can find a well paying career. I didn't mean to sound horrible or cruel, but basically you don't want a baby on your hands for the rest of your life.</p>
<p>This topic is meandering from the OP's point, but I'd point out that college is not high school; in an institution with 20,000 or more undergrads, there is plenty of room for individuality and avoidance of tiny cliques. With only slight effort, a student could avoid just about all contact with past classmates.</p>
<p>Back to the original point, a cosigned loan is just that. If the kid defaults, the parents are on the hook. I certainly wouldn't encourage defaulting except in the most extreme circumstances. A $1K a month obligation is big, but not unmanageable if the kid is willing to make some sacrifices. The first is to find a job, if that hasn't happened already. Time for reality to set in.</p>
<p>Fredfredburger, she has not "refused" to get a job. She is looking for one, but according to her mother, maybe she is not looking hard enough. I also can say that if she is mentally ill, and getting worse, she may have a hard time being peppy and outgoing enough when she goes to an interview. For most people this is never an issue, but there may be something about her demeanor that turns potential bosses off. Which would only add to the cycle of her feeling worse about herself. Of course, this is not an excuse for not having a job, but it is a reason to get a new therapist so that she can resolve her issues and improve her demeanor.</p>
<p>blossom, thanks for posting. You said it nicely-- PLENTY of kids crash and burn at some point. I also think that these parents took a gamble, knowing it was a gamble, and hoping that this school would do the trick and help get their daughter healthy. Plenty of parents take gambles on their kids, and sometimes they "hit the jackpot"-- ie, the kid does better than could ever be expected.</p>
<p>"How many of us would insist on Big State U with all the kids from HS who tormented our kid throughout the last 12 years? "</p>
<p>I would. Big state U is so big that one's worst enemies could be there and one could attend there for years and not encounter them. The beauty of big state universities is the diversity of people and the large numbers of students who attend them. There are potential friends for virtually everyone.</p>
<p>As I said Northstar, you're a better parent than I am.</p>
<p>I would not have insisted that a psychologically fragile child head off to college with the knowledge that the tormentors could be down the hall. Again, the decisions I would make with my son (even keel, self-confident, nothing gets to him, unaware of whatever social slights may come his way....) don't really have much bearing on the decisions one would make for a kid already under the care of a therapist by the end of HS.</p>
<p>There are healthy adults who are productive members of society who had a rough go of it in HS. There are adults in institutions; there are adults who despite years of therapy can't maintain a "grown up" existence without the help of family members. I'm not going to predict on a message board which of these things the OP's daughter is going to be, nor would I start telling a parent 4 years after the fact that they've screwed up big time and should be ashamed of themselves for making what obviously seemed to be the right decision at the time.</p>
<p>Why so punitive here all of a sudden? I am mystified why this very sad story of a family in pain has got everyone all puritanical and mean. CC has turned into a great forum for parents looking for help with the perfect child, i.e. "my kid wants to quit violin after making first chair in our state orchestra so she can spend more time finding a cure for cancer".... in which case everyone trots out the hankies and gets all supportive. But a parent in pain with a problem of significant consequence, and everyone's jumping down their throat to offer dubious solutions "why can't the kid earn $25 bucks an hour" or "if she gets a job she'll get medical benefits (duh!)" with no empathy whatsoever.</p>
<p>Guess it's time for me to find another hobby.</p>
<p>I think what you're seeing is the reaction to the OP's question about defaulting on the college loan, which for the most part has been one of distaste. The thread is sort of going around in circles, because she wanted to know how to go about getting released from the loan, and what the ramifications would be. This sequed into the morality of doing so, and what the justifications are, then on to whether it's understandable in light of the expense associated with a college education, which led into why people go into so much debt when there are other alternatives, which led into the "fit" topic, and so on.</p>
<p>Actually, I believe the OP didn't want to discuss her daughters problems, or receive advise on how to handle their personal family situation; she just wanted to know how to go about dealing with the loan itself.</p>
<p>hoping that this school would do the trick and help get their daughter healthy</p>
<p>We don't even know what the health issue was- it could be lupus, migraines anything. Schools aren't magic boxes that perform miracles that couldn't have happened otherwise.
I also don't agree with others that responses have been puritanical and punitive, although we have no idea if the student is really that medically fragile ( in which case perhaps she should be hospitalized), or if she has some sort of disorder which is being exploited as a way to get out of things that she doesn't want to do.</p>
<p>As for dealing with the loan- that information should be with the loan paperwork. It doesnt appear to be Stafford or Perkins loans-because those do not require a co-signer.
The initial question asked- does my daughter have to pay back her loan/do I as the co-signer, is rhetorical- because the only answer is * Yes*.</p>
<p>When we are told that the student attended a top * ten* LAC and that a sibling is planning apply to MIT, I think it is safe to assume that those concerned are intelligent enough to realize that when you sign or co-sign for a loan, you are obligated to pay it back. many of these lenders appear to have an extended pay back period-</p>
<p>Even though the daughter doesn't seem to want to honor her obligations, I suspect that support and a plan in order to make the amount seem more manageable, will help her to feel not so overwhelmed.</p>
<p>doubleday, I didn't see anything in OP's post about defaulting on the loan. I quote:</p>
<p>"So my question is not who is going to pay the loans. Either my daughter or my husband and I are going to pay the loans. Since we co-signed the loans, we are obligated to pay. And we will live up to our obligations."</p>
<p>I also agree that the comments on this thread have gotten mean. OP raised an important issue for us all to consider -- the possible reprecussions of taking on loans -- even student loans -- to finance education, be it at state U or an elite LAC. </p>
<p>OP has my sympathies, as does her D, who is clearly not the only young graduate in this position.</p>
<p>"I would not have insisted that a psychologically fragile child head off to college with the knowledge that the tormentors could be down the hall. "</p>
<p>If a student were psychologically fragile, they wouldn't be ready to go away from home to college.</p>
<p>Large state universities can have 35,000 or more students. The odds of a tormentor's being down the hall are very slim. Unless they chose h.s. friends as roommates, the students whom I know who go to state Us aren't even able to see their h.s. friends without making plans to do so.</p>
<p>I went to a college that had about 15,000 students, including the graduate students. Two other people from my high school class went there. Virtually all students lived on campus, yet I never ran into those other students.</p>
<p>Some non-fragile students wouldn't do well at a school with 35,000 kids (like mine). Could she get a decent education? Possibly. But her learning style is hands-on, discussion based. She'd have been miserable. Yes, I know the argument - the school doesn't matter, it's the kid and a smart kid will do well anywhere. Guess what? That's the same argument made to dismantle gifted & talented programs - smart kids don't need special programs; they'll do fine anywhere. And if that were true, why all this fuss about good high schools, public or private? Maybe we should all just live in the cheapest areas we can find and send our kids to failing schools - they'll do fine; after all it's the kid not the school. Bilgewater.</p>
<p>Oh, and about not meeting the other students from your school? At Large State U (smaller than 35K but around 20K), two kids from the same small suburban high school ended up being randomly assigned as roommates. It does happen. And if a kid has been in a "mean girls" situation in HS, I don't think I'd necessarily want to take the risk.</p>
<p>OP raised an important issue for us all to consider -- the possible reprecussions of taking on loans -- even student loans -- to finance education, be it at state U or an elite LAC.</p>
<p>However- it isn't like this is a newsflash.
Anytime you take on new debt- you have to consider how that will fit in to your other obligations.For most people- their income is less flexible than their expenses, and in addition to paying the mortgage, utilities etc.,an emergency account should be funded.</p>
<p>My husband and I are worried about this. Our daughter said that she plans to get an apartment when she gets a job. I said to her that she has these obligations, which come first.</p>
<p>I think it would be good for her to live on her own- sounds like she is an adult- and sharing living expenses with other young adults in the same situation can make finances manageable.
My daughter hasn't had a regular job since she graduated, but she shares a house & the rent and hasn't asked us for any money & is paying back her loans)</p>
<p>* She went ballistic (again, there are family dynamics that are sensitive for me to talk about).*
Then if this isn't relevant to the answers you are looking for , why mention it?</p>
<p>So my question is not who is going to pay the loans. Either my daughter or my husband and I are going to pay the loans. Since we co-signed the loans, we are obligated to pay. And we will live up to our obligations.
Good.</p>
<p>But how will this reflect on her credit rating? What is the process? Does she first default on the loans, and then we pay?</p>
<p>I don't think anyone can tell you, because we don't know what you have already tried. Have you contacted the lender?
If the student is too medically fragile to finish school/attend anything besides 1st choice- & too unstable to live away from mom and dad or find work, then I think mom and dads only choice is to assume that the loan is theirs, and to contact the lender and set up payment arrangements.</p>
<p>"Some non-fragile students wouldn't do well at a school with 35,000 kids (like mine). Could she get a decent education? Possibly. But her learning style is hands-on, discussion based. She'd have been miserable. Yes, I know the argument - the school doesn't matter, it's the kid and a smart kid will do well anywhere."</p>
<p>With the variety of public schools that exist in this country, it is possible to get a small college environment at a cost that's lower than at many private universities. Public schools have options ranging from living/learning communities, honors colleges, to being public schools that are similar to LACs in terms of size and teaching philosophy.</p>
<p>If a student has the stats to get into an excellent private university, they also have the stats to get merit aid at a second tier or lower private university.</p>
<p>My point is that if a student needs to be in a small college environment, there are likely to be affordable, good options that don't involve taking out large loans that would be difficult to pay back. Searching for these options is worth the time, and can save parents and students not having to pay back large student loans after graduation.</p>