<p>* you read her posts, the OP said her daughter has a chronic illness--an illness which she suggests is neurological, rather than physical.*
I did read the posts- and I saw that she had a chronic medical condition- but what did that mean? asthma? depression? lupus?
This doesn't sound neurological, it sounds like she is spoiled-
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also agree that she is very selfish. And immature. And Unrealistic.
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I know she hates me because I expect her to help out with these obligations.
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And my daughter "hates" me, when I made her stay home and do her homework instead of going out with her friends.
Oh well- Im not here to be her buddy- Im her mom.</p>
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If we assume her obligations, does she suffer any consequences?
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<p>I don't know- on the one hand she is too delicate to get a job/live on her own/act responsibly, what sort of consequences do you think she should experience?</p>
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I encouraged her to study something more practical. But of course, I know nothing.
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<p>So mom cosigned for a loan she didn't want to have to take out- so daughter could attend a school when mom thought one of the honors programs that were paid for would be a better choice- why would mom even think that daughter would take advice on majors?
But why the comment " I know nothing"?
Why would you give money to someone who doesn't respect your opinion?</p>
<p>Obviously I am in the minority of the observation that the environment is possibly making the behavior worse- but I don't see how patting OP on the shoulder is helping the OP or the daughter.
But if it makes you'all feel better go right ahead- but like I said- some of us don't have time for wallowing and if $$$ is being spent on therapy and it isn't helping- for petes sake find a new therapist. researching styles of therapy can help find one that works better for your family</p>
<p>I really feel bad for you. Even with a medical condition she needs to become a respsible adult at some point. We were faced with my daughter being accepted at many nice expensive private schools and a State school. Even with the State school she had Stafford loans, but the private schools had many more loans and a big chunk we would have to borrow Stafford loans are entirely the students. We laid everything out for her and agreed that we would take additional loans if she really had her heart set on a particular school, but also pointed out that what her salary would most likely be with the major she was choosing and what the payments would be. Luckily for us she chose the State School. Though I am releived I sometimes wish we could have afforeded the private school. </p>
<p>I feel for you it is hard to say no to a child esp. if they have a health concern. For now I would explain to her in no uncertain terms what will happen if she defaults. She would have to get a job and contribute to the loans. I would help as long as she worked and contributed somwthing. Of course she needs health insurance and you will have to provided that until she secures a job. I don't feel becasue she yells and stomps her feet you should give her what she wants. It's hurting her more than you know. Oh and there would be no apartment and no cosigning anything for her until the loans were paid. Good Luck</p>
<p>I believe that many posters, including me, would have responded differently if the thread title were, "Due to illness, my daughter is unable to repay her student loans" instead of the real title, which indicates the D could repay her loans, but is choosing not to repay them. The OP's comments about the D's going ballistic and being selfish and immature added to the perception that the D is using her illness as an excuse even though it would not normally prevent her getting a job or repaying her loans.</p>
<p>I haven't read every single response to the OP, but I have to throw in here that I am positively blown away by the kindness, compassion, and generosity of so many folks on this site. I can't believe how much fantastic, from-the-heart advice is given to OP's like this one. People trying hard, & spending their free time, for no other reason than to help a stranger who is clearly in a tough situation. That is walking the walk. :)</p>
<p>My best $.02, despite the OP's recent quest to limit the scope of the thread, is to suggest a book by Mel Levine called "Ready Or Not, Here Life Comes". It is a perfect addition to this discussion.</p>
<p>I would try to broker a middle ground between no support and helicoptering. Does the D still live at home? If so, what form of transporation does she use? I think that while finances for the parents are tight, getting the daughter to pay at least something would help both sides. That transporation can be held back if agreements are not abided by. Perhaps a more modest form of tough love could get a habit started to repay those loans. I am not sure that posts can give an honest response wihout responding to the entirety of the information given. I am trying to restrict my thinking to just loan repayment, but in the context described other information has to be taken into consideration. Too much tough love could send the D into a worse place. I think a reasonable base from which to start would be the parents pay for the health insurance (I just can't see that no heppening), the daughter gets a job while still living at home, and if she pays even a minimum toward her overhead CONSISTENTLY (loans, room and board, health insurance, gas, car insurance) that can be a good start. I don't think she should be put into a situation where her credit is ruined.</p>
<p>In particular for young adults struggling with mental illness or a failure to launch, learning how to analyze a situation calmly, brainstorm solutions collaboratively, establish a plan, live the plan, and evaluate progress regularly is a critical process to learn. This is where the solution to the college loan dilemma can be found.</p>
<p>Macmurphy
Jesu<em>, I mean, you guys do nothing but complain about how you can't... ...stand it in this place, and then you haven't got the guts to walk out? What do you think you are, for Chri</em>t's sake? Crazy or something? </p>
<p>--->>>Well, you're not. You're not! You're no crazier than the average <em>le walking around on the streets. And that's it. Jes</em>* **rist, I can't believe it! <<<<<-----</p>
<p>Nurse Ratched
Those are very challenging observations you made, Randall. </p>
<p><<<<<----- - emphasis is mine (I don't know how to do italics)</p>
<p>The point of the quote is to suggest that we are, all of us, THISCLOSE to OP and OP's daughter. I know we are in our family (we are in decision mode for our first child in this culture - class of 2012). We are a part of this culture. It is not the 1970s, where Uncle Sam Jimmy Carter helped alot more, nor the 1920s where only the real rich got to go to college. </p>
<p>I KNOW this is why this post has hit a resonant chord with the CC forum consumers.</p>
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1) We are going for family therapy, and she also sees the therapist individually. However, her condition seems to be worsening.</p>
<p>2) Of course, I intend to pay back the loans.
I was really more interested in learning the tough love aspect of this. As one contributor correctly observed, the bank doesn't care who signs the check, they just care that they get their money. So if she defaults, and we pay back the loans to protect our own credit rating, she still comes off smelling like a rose. If thats the case, what lesson has she learned?</p>
<p>3) I don't want to disclose too much about her medical condition, but its really draining on our family, both emotionally and financially.</p>
<p>4) I guess most of you have surmised by now that her medical condition is not purely physical. That's as much as I am going to disclose. I don't understand her illness, and I don't know how much she is capable of doing or not doing. She is working with a therapist, but the therapy does not seem to be helping, and I'm wondering if therapy can help.
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<p>This is not the story of a spoiled girl ekitty. This is the story of a family struggling to cope with a significant illness which is not purely physical; ie mental illness. </p>
<p>The OP is in the midst of an ongoing crisis. If you were the parent of an ill, ballistic child, you might well mis-label this thread too--out of hope more than anything else. the OP may be hoping that the failure to find work is garden variety immaturity--and not a further symptom of the illness. Parents of ill children always wonder if they've overspoiled the ill child--they ponder the use of 'tough love'. I have seen in many many times. If you've seen a parent dealing with a worsening mental illness, you've seen this type of rationalization. Personally, I see it as a form of hope. Hope for normality.</p>
<p>So yes, the thread is mis-labeled in my opinion. The attacks on the young woman and the OP are too cruel.</p>
<p>I'm thinking that motherwise got the financial info she wanted and doesn't really care to discuss the personal issues or family dynamics. (Although, we all just wanted to help! :)) She said that she doesn't want to provide any answers to questions to preserve her anonymity and she hasn't posted for a week. This discussion is probably just academic at this point.</p>
<p>But I am thinking of you, motherwise, and I hope everything works out well for D and for your entire family.</p>
<p>I am sorry that the OP didn't provide more info about her D's medical condition. I have a friend whose D's behavior suddenly changed after the D dropped out of graduate school. The D, who had previously been a very calm person, became hostile, had major mood swings, had to be threatened with hospitalization in order to force her to see a therapist.</p>
<p>The first therapist thought she was bipolar and/or a borderline personality disorder. Therapy, meds didn't work, and the parents kept seeking other help. It ended up that the D had a nonmalignant brain tumor. After surgery, her behavior went back to close to normal and she's now in grad school at a top university.</p>
<p>I think that many people here including people some perceive as "cruel" have used their time to try to help the OP. However, without more facts from the OP, there's only so much people can do. </p>
<p>I hope that the OP has followed the advice of several of us and found a therapist for herself. She'll be able to be honest with that person, something that understandably she's not comfortable doing on a message board. The therapist also can help her figure out the best options for this difficult situation.</p>
<p>D went thru LAC of her choice and majored in Anthro and had many s loans.</p>
<p>Cannot / will not find a job that can pay the loans</p>
<p>With a degree in anthro, shouldn't D go on to grad school to get a masters and phd, the typical terminal degrees for this line of study that would increase the chances of getting gainful employment to pay back the loans?</p>
<p>was this attempted, but the illness thing stopped D, or was it the money thing that stopped D?</p>
<p>More general question percolates up:</p>
<p>if one has undergrad loans:</p>
<p>1) can one defer payment of those loans if one goes on to grad school?</p>
<p>2) can one GET grad loans if one already has undergrad loans (to a big extent, let's say, also)?</p>
<p>Was it actually established that the OP's D actually graduated from said LAC?</p>
<p>Quote from OP: "Fast forward. She is not in school any more. She studied anthropology. She has yet to secure a job." </p>
<p>Not in school does not necessarily equate to graduated. If the child has a serious medical condition (be it physical, psychological, or a combination of both), she may not have been capable of finishing her undergraduate education. That would make finding a well paying job that much more difficult.</p>
<p>I feel for the OP, because she is obviously in a difficult position, and no amount of arm-charm quarterbacking from the denizens of a message board will make her job any easier. I wish her and her D the best.</p>
<p>thanks, chedva. follow up question to the answer to
2) can one GET grad loans if one already has undergrad loans (to a big extent, let's say, also)? </p>
<p>When getting grad loans (and student loans in general), to what extent is the underwriting process LIKE 'normal' non-S loans? I am assuming there is SOME UW process. </p>
<p>That is, to what extent does the lender (Federal or private) look at the signers' (student and co-) ability to pay back the loan and the assets that back up the loan? Do they look at numbers such as loan to value ratio of monthly loan amount and income relative to the value of the asset that is providing collateral?</p>
<p>Let me even take a step back for our student applicants who do not have ANY assets such as a home to provide collateral: can THEY be eligible for the rather huge loan amounts that are involved in today's higher education?</p>
<p>Please tell me, anyone, then, what are the Underwriting criteria for student loans. For example, what are the Ratios, if they apply?</p>
<p>Let me even take a step back for our student applicants who do not have ANY assets such as a home to provide collateral: can THEY be eligible for the rather huge loan amounts that are involved in today's higher education?</p>
<p>Private loans can involve huge amounts- I imagine thats why they have cosigners- or PLUS loans
Stafford loans aren't that large- when my daughter graduate from college- she had maximum Stafford for each year plus a small Perkins loan for each year- her total debt payments are a couple hundred $ a month</p>
<p>College doesn't have to be so expensive
In fact I am going back to school this fall
$3,000 a year. ( not inc room and board) but includes books and fees)
I figure I will be able to pay it out of our monthly expenses :)</p>