<p>Well I'll love to here omments on my essay. Feel free to critique as brutally as possible. I submitted this to all the universites I applied. Its about my background and how it has shaped my dreams. Thanks guys.</p>
<p>It was probably a few minutes past ten, but the heat was so intense I could hardly concentrate on the principals delivery of announcements and prayers at the Independence Day celebration. He then asked all six hundred of us to stand at attention in preparation to sing the first national anthem in honor of the blessed day of October 1st 1960. Drum roll. We all reverentially began in chorus-Nigeria we hail thee our own dear native land
As I meditated on the moving words of the anthem, I lamented over the worsening conditions that the previous generation left behind and resolved to make an improvement for my children.
Nigeria wasnt always this bad, my mother always said, In the seventies, Nigeria was even better than the US. But the Nigeria I grew up in wasnt like what she described. How did Nigeria become so corrupt, so poverty stricken, so illiterate, and so frustrating to live in? In Nigeria, I understood the meaning of poverty. I saw people who could not afford medical attention, wither and die from malaria and AIDS. I saw a failed education system. University campuses closed indefinitely due to under-paid lecturers striking or student riots. I watched young men, who were even lucky enough to finish their university education turn to a life of delinquency. I beheld gross mismanagement and inefficiency of government. I watched a country blessed with an abundant supply of crude oil suffer numerous gas outages, because it did not have a single oil refinery. Perhaps because none of our leaders ever went past their high school education, the nation continued to worsen from one incapable leader to another. Yesterday, one governor was discovered looting billions of dollars from the treasury; today, major gas shortage, escalating prices of other goods and services. But, tomorrow, is what I hope to change.
As the anthem concluded with the phrase
Nigerians all are proud to serve our sovereign motherland it fortifies my resolution to create a better Nigeria for generations to come. I dream of returning home having attained a sound education in the US, to in turn provide an equally good education to build leaders unlike the ones I met there. I propose to establish various chains of agro-based companies and industries utilizing the readily available fertile land space to increase exportation of raw materials and decrease importation of goods that can be easily manufactured in the country. I intend to delve into the numerous untapped natural and human resources to attract investors and inspire a surge of industrialization in the nation, thus providing jobs, and improving living conditions. I am fully aware of this cancerous diseases that have plagued my country over the last half century can not be reversed in one life time, or by one man, but passionate hard work and prayer will improve the situation in the nation.
As my stay in America tarries, I am motivated to hard work in hopes to change the conditions of my nation. Even though my body resides in Virginia, my mind dwells in Lagos, Nigeria. I constantly cry for a better education, for better infrastructures, and even pray for better leaders for us. I cry for better management of resources, and for an opportunity to go back and affect positive change at home. I cry agonizing tears for my beloved country NIGERIA.</p>
<p>Maybe I'm just mush, but your essay interested and touched me. As I read I wondered, "Will this person ever return to Nigeria or will he/she choose to live in America where life is clearly easier?" I think it's important that you convince your reader of your intention to return and help. By the end of your essay, I was convinced. Good luck...in all you do.</p>
<p>I really like your essay Afrikaan. But I'm admittedly biased, as I'm also a Nigerian (and yes, my parents say the same stuff about how Nigeria was paradise until the 1980s...who the hell knows what happened to that).</p>
<p>Overall, I liked your essay as well. However, the beginning reads much like a history lesson and tells little about you other than you grew up in Nigeria. But, I am certain it will get the job done.</p>
<p>Ummm, what's the point of this? Just think its a little too late.It's just like a new form of a chances thread, cept pointless. OMG! Its mutat....</p>
<p>On the contrary Sanosuke Sagara, when I posted my essay I was not seeking anyone to tell me my chances. The wheels are already set in motion, and I dont believe that any fellow applicant's approval will make me feel any better at this point. I intended just to hear others opinioin about my feelings and my expressions. Given, I cant correct anything, as it is too late for that, but in the long run when I take the criticism to heart, it would make me a better writer. The essay as you well know is but a fraction of the application. Just to correct you, if I relied on CCers to determine or improve my self-worth by predicting my chances I would array my entire life's accomplishments and sugar coat stats like many on this site do. In essence, the "point" of my post and this thread in general is to receive feedback from peers and possibly admission officers as to techniques to implement to improve my writing-admissions is just a part of life.</p>
<p>Afrikaan-</p>
<p>The above reply that you posted was perhaps one of the most eloquent and welll spoken paragraphs that CC has ever seen. Very well said. Your aptitude for English is clearly evident, as demonstrated in the above paragraph and your essay. </p>
<p>Well done. I also thoroughly enjoyed the essay. Good luck!!</p>
<p>You need to work on your sentences. They are too short and choppy and I believe you have to learn how to make them more complicated..... (the first person, btw)</p>
<p>dande1114 thanks. That was very encouraging.
uyulove, point taken. I believe I write just the way I think which is not necessarily a good thing.</p>
<p>I liked your essay. It was very touching, especially towards the end.</p>
<p>hemingway wrote short and choppy sentences</p>
<p>Afrikaan- the ending struck me as melodramatic, especially with the way you capitalized the last word. Read it outloud, you know what I mean?</p>
<p>This was my Cornell one (It was good enough to get me a likely letter)</p>
<p>Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.</p>
<pre><code> I remember the first time I gazed into the magical lens of my uncles telescope as a child. It was blurry, but after some adjustments and cleaning I could see the moon, and some stars much better than ever before. Though it seemed only like minutes, I spent a few hours just staring at the sky and playing with the wonderful instrument. The following day, I recall looking for every book I could find that dealt with stars, planet, and the universe. As I opened one book, I remember the first words I read: Black Holes. I was thinking, How can a hole have color? As I read further, I soaked in new and absurd ideas like: Light cannot escape it and it is infinitely dense and infinitely small. These sounded so preposterous that they kept me interested. Presently, I am trying to understand the incredibly complex and fascinating String Theory. Much like with my interest in Black Holes, String Theory grabs my attention because of its absurd propertieseleven dimensions are just a tad hard to imagine.
Similarly, my interest with art began early on. From drawing the simple images on my ABC blocks, emerged an undying passion for the visual arts, which only grew as I did. At first, I doodled or copied pictures I thought were cool freehand. When I entered middle school, I began studying anatomy, perspective, shading, and other necessary components of art. This continues to the present, but now I also study different mediums, and artists like Leonardo da Vinci and M. C. Escher. What makes art exciting for me is the uniqueness and vastness of it. There are endless amounts of mediums, styles, techniques, and people to study that it never ceases to attract me.
</code></pre>
<p>BTW, I know I don't write well and that it probably doesn't flow, but that fact is that it tells the reader something about me. English is my weakest subject ( I have a C+ in IB English HL ) so yea....</p>
<p>Sephiroth226, I am also enraptured by Sting theory. I can see myself doing that later in the future. I wrote an essay on it for a scholarship. I shall send it to you as a private message.</p>
<p>just take a look at this cheesy essay...i already applied waiting for a decision</p>
<p>Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.</p>
<p>Rewind todays episode of your life, and pay close attention to the items you see your jacket, your phone, your cologne or perfume, and even your pizza box. What is the common phrase that runs through all of them? Catchphrases. Somewhere along the line, these slogans made subtle indentations in your mind.</p>
<p>Let's take an example, say Nokia's catchphrase, "Connecting People." For me, this slogan puts in a nutshell, the purpose of my education. If I don't form bonds with others and become an active member of society, what is the point in my life? I had grown in an international milieu which no doubt set the stage for me to help connect with and help people connect with, others from a variety of cultures and backgrounds. My growth as a member of society is and was one of the most important aspects of my life, and something that I took great care over. I grew into a leader of an MUN club, a delegate of an international conference, a promoter of multicultural unity as the student representative on the school's accreditation board. This is not a brag list. It's just what I have become today after evolving over time. </p>
<p>"Never stop exploring." The first thing North Face's slogan gets me thinking of is AP Literature. I worked long, hard hours to complete my assignments and my teacher pushed me to take daring new approaches to analyze literary works. I broke free from the fetters of conventional thought, only to take fresh approaches to beaten-to-death themes. Taking the "road not taken" when reading is now my passion. My eight-books-a-month idea started from the middle of the course, and is followed to the hilt even today. It stands testimony to my passion, of never stop exploring.</p>
<p>The reason catchphrases carry around the amount of glamour they do is because they directly connect with us and who we are. My interests have grown and developed, and catchphrases simply remind me of my aims, on a daily basis. They remind me to pursue my goals and work hard. And to Just Do It.</p>