<p>Hey everyone. This may seem really futile now that our apps have already been turned in. But what do you guys think of this essay I wrote for Cornell? I know it's definitely not an award winning essay since I spent like 45 minuntes to an hour on it. (last minute application =( </p>
<p>Prompt: Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction. </p>
<pre><code>My parents divorced each other when I was six years old. My mom took me and my sister back to Hawaii to live with her family, while my father remained in California to finish his medical residency. We moved in with my grandma and uncle into their one bedroom apartment. I never expected we would have to sleep on a futon near the kitchen trash can. Every day I dreamed of moving to a place where I could sleep in my own bed. I attended first grade at a nearby public school located in a rough neighborhood. Even some of the kids were frightening. One day after school, two boys in my class assaulted me because they wanted my new Bugs Bunny backpack. I thought I was going to die as one of the boys placed a choke hold on me. When my mother found out, she cried and transferred me to a local Catholic school even though she barely made enough money to support us. It soon became important that my mom guide me in obtaining a better life in the future. When I was in the second grade, she went over the multiplication table with me every night. She always pushed me to study until I understood the material. I always strove for an A. My teachers were amazed with how I excelled compared to the other students in class.
About a few years later, my mom remarried. I was thrilled because I now had my own bed to sleep in. When I woke up for school every morning, I noticed my step dad would tune into CNBC, a finance news channel. I always loved watching the traders on the floor stressing out to execute trades. My stepfather told me making money in the stock market is very competitive. It required the desire to stay up to date with current economic trends and in depth analysis of specific industries. I began to see why my mom encouraged me to work hard in school. The amount of success in ones life is directly proportional to the amount of hard work put in. I eventually became eager to invest in some stocks of my own. Fortunately, my parents gave me a small amount of money to start my own portfolio. I researched the biotech industry and came across a company called Amylin Pharmaceuticals. They recently had a new class of diabetes drugs approved by the FDA. When I discovered that there were no other companies that had a similar drug, the stock looked very promising. When I looked at the companys cash flow and income statements I found that their profits had increased compared to the past couple years. Based on these positive factors, I bought shares of stock. To my delight, the stock increased 14% in just a month. I then sold it to ensure my profit.
Having an unprivileged life in my early childhood was crucial in developing a hardworking mentality. This mentality has helped me succeed in school and develop an interest in the field of business. Keeping a hardworking attitude will enable me to succeed in college and my career.
</code></pre>
<p>No offence meant, here. I'm going to be brutally honest.</p>
<p>Schools like Penn State are reaches for me, and my essay was a lot more mature then that. I'm not Ivy material by any means, with a 90 weighted GPA and a 2000 SAT. You essay sounds like a 9th grader wrote it, has no thesis, nor any apparent point. You focused on too many things, instead of sticking to one central idea and developing it. I got bored reading it somewhere near the top, and stopped. They are looking for an essay and a reason to accept you, not a life story.</p>
<p>I'm sorry if that came across as rude. I'm a very blunt person, and when someone looks for an opinion, I give it.</p>
<p>It is pretty apparent that you didn't spend a lot of time on this essay...(like I didn't on my Georgetown app!) I spent over 2 months on my Cornell app. essays, though. If you have really strong recs. and stats and if your other essays are better, I think you still may have a chance.</p>
<p>Drock 808, I am a published writer who does a lot of editing for hire, and I am going to take a different line. I thought your essay answered the question very well without a lot of fuss. It was focused on the topic and it taught me a fair amount about you. It could have benefitted from polishing in a couple of places, but all in all, I'd give you a B plus. Nothing to worry about, IMHO.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the feedback. I wish I had done something like this earlier. At least my essay could have been more polished. Hopefully I won't be so last minute anymore. Oh well, best of luck to everyone who is applying to Cornell!</p>
<p>golbledegook-- is that in the dictionary? lol </p>
<p>I wouldn't worry about your essay being the means of rejection; it really wasn't bad. It wasn't outstanding, but it shouldn't get your app. thrown out.</p>
<p>it sounds a bit forced and the so called attempted tear-jerker. Sometimes you don't want to overdo these things and you have to be extremely careful when writing about these topics and try to be as subtle as possible without being so explicit</p>
<p>I don't think the essay has a very good intro and doesn't really capture the reader's attention very well either. Your sentences seem to end rather abruptly without much of a flow into the following sentence. This is just a sign of lack of provision and probably will be interpreted the same by the admissions committee. Sorry to be a little harsh here, but you can only learn from honest criticism :(.</p>
<p>I heard that essays don't have to answer the prompt directly. Whatever the essay prompt is, the real question is always "tell us something about you".</p>
<p>I don't think your essay was written very well, nor do I think you chose a good topic. It almost seems like you are trying to gain sympathy from cornell.</p>
<p>I'll be honest with you so that you can write better essays in the future. However, I'm sure that you can write better than this if it wasn't rushed. First of all, you must vary your sentence structure because without doing so you can make an interesting topic sound very boring. Your voice was monotonous throughout the entire essay, and the sentences simply do not flow.
Other than that, the essay does not seem to go anywhere in the first half (we don't really learn anything about you, except that you strove for A's and did well in school), and there is no coherent transition to the second paragraph. It's like trying to get to second gear without moving while in first gear; the essay must develop a point. I would suggest focusing on either the influence your mom had on you or the stock thing to make the essay more cohesive. As it is, it seems fragmented and dull. You need to make it more engaging, and the best way to do that is to vary your sentence structure. Another thing you can do to make it mroe interesting is write in the active voice (even though in it's in the past), so that it reads more like a short story narrative. I would pick up a writer's guide to help you with all of this because being able to write well is indispensable, especially in college. Try this, I've skimmed through it and it seems very helpful:</p>
<p>I know that my advice for this particular essay may be too late, but it would behoove you at least to go through the elements of style guide, because it will help in all of your essays.</p>
<p>I would be curious to read some essays answering the prompt, "how will you utilize the academic depts. within the school to which you applied", or something like that.</p>
<p>I'll show you mine if you show me yours. :)</p>
<p>This was one of the drafts for my essay about academic depth, etc.</p>
<p>Psychology is the science of the intellects, characters and behavior of animals including man. Edward Thorndikes quote states exactly why I want to receive an education in the social sciences. With an interest in law, I have developed an affinity for the social sciences, including psychology and sociology. I am amazed by the patterns in social and psychological behavior that are present in everyday life. With this in mind, I was thrilled when I received a letter from Cornell describing their Industrial and Labor Relations program. I realized that the Industrial and Labor Relations major was structured for me. From economics to sociology to psychology, I want to learn just what drives the corporate machine. I plan to use the courses in collective bargaining, labor law and labor history to sharpen my analytical skills and develop a wealth of knowledge. I hope to develop my writing and language skills to express my thoughts in a fluid manner suitable for a court case.
Fortunately, ILR additionally offers study abroad programs, academic research opportunities, as well as internships, which I hope to take complete advantage of. Hopefully, by my junior year, I will have enough credits to be able to study abroad or take an internship for credit in New York or Boston. With all these opportunities, it is difficult to decide what educational path to take. However, in the end, I feel that I will have made the best of the opportunities and experiences offered to me by Cornell and the School of Industrial and Labor Relations.</p>
<p>Here is mine, I guess it's a bit different and not so intellectual. I will say that a month after submitting my application, I started receiving emails from the Latin American Studies program about classes and stuff. Either it was a computer glitch or they liked my essay :) Feel free to bash it, I'm probably not getting in anyway.</p>
<p>BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. It is 7:30 a.m. and my alarm is going off. My first class is at eight and I need to hurry in order to make it on time to Morrill Hall for my Modern Latin American Literature class. I am honored to be studying at Cornell, which has the top Spanish program in the country. Since I am concentrating in Latin American Studies, Cornell was the best option due to the Latin American Center located right here on campus. The center is the hub for information, news and events related to Latin America and I use its resources to connect to the Latin American world. Olin Library, which houses a Latin American library considered to be one of the best, is another favorite place of mine.</p>
<p>Luckily, I live in the Alice Cook House, which is a short distance from Morrill Hall. I love living in the Language House; it allows me to speak Spanish all day and I can participate in the many activities that our native-speaker resident organizes. Eating my meals here is a special treat and I always look forward to when faculty members join us, which is at least once a week. Most of my friends at other universities are envious that I am can dine with award-winning authors!</p>
<p>After my first class today, I will rehearse for my role in one of this years Spanish-language plays through Teatrotaller. This is a great opportunity to combine my many years of drama experience with my Spanish. Oh, its 7:55, better run now!</p>