I’m about 2 months into a year long engineering co-op (Summer + Fall '18 + Spring '19). On the surface, I have no major complaints, I’m working on projects that I feel are relevant, I like my coworkers a lot, and it pays pretty well. Even though work was too far away to commute from my parents home or university and had to move, both places are an easy weekend trip so I can still see my friends and family often. BUT I was assigned a mentor when I began, probably picked because my work would most likely fall under his title if this were a full-time position. At first he seemed helpful and friendly, every minute I wasn’t at work, and it started making me uncomfortable. It was more often and double/triple texting than I ever text any of my friends or even any guys I’ve dated. He always invites me to do things on nights and weekends that are borderline dates in my mind, like dinner, drinks, movies - while inviting no other coworkers. I’ve always found excuses to say no because I generally like to keep work at work beyond going out for lunch during lunch hour or dinner right after work I just don’t feel comfortable. Sometimes if he’s drinking he’ll text me and flirt but I’ve always not reciprocated. A few days ago he invited me over for dinner that he would cook and buy wine for and I finally explicitly said that I had plans the night in question and even if I didn’t I didn’t think it was appropriate to go to his house and he freaked out. He started saying that everything was just friendly and how he doesn’t feel like he has many friends here and that he’s just trying to make friends and make me feel welcome at the company. He’s also 29 and I’m 21, and I just don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to entertain him outside of work, and it’s frankly not my problem if he hasn’t made many friends in the 4-5 years he’s lived here. He apologized and I said it was okay but the constant texting hasn’t stopped, and even if it is just friendly, I’m still uncomfortable by how often he feels the need to talk to me. I don’t know what to do at this point because I feel like it would be rude to tell him to stop because he said it was friendly, and I think it would be dramatic to go to HR unless something is said explicitly innappropraite. My place of work is also so small that I don’t want to cause drama or seem catty. But I’m really at a loss on what else I can do to make myself more comfortable as I have 10 months left, and I don’t want to/can’t quit, and don’t want him to get in trouble either.
This is unfortunate. I would stop responding to non-work related texts and tell him ( in an email) that you want to keep your working relationship strictly business unless there are group activities planned . Perhaps you could tell him that your internship program has encouraged students to keep a professional relationship with mentors.
After this last warning, then go to HR with a request to change mentors if the problem persists. Your email and texts will provide good proof of the problem. Definitely stop responding to the non-work related texts.
Is he responsible for evaluating your work performance? Will you need a recommendation from him (for future jobs or for school) or is there someone else who can write one for you?
If he is in any position of power over you, then you absolutely need to go to HR, and you also need to document that you went to them. His behavior is not appropriate.
Also, if you are earning credit for this internship at college, you should speak to your advisor at school about what has been going on.
It makes a difference if he manages your work. If not, I’d ask him to please stop texting about nonwork topics, and tell him that you’d like to keep your work relationships on a professional level. I’d communicate it in writing and keep a paper trail (print out and take home). Take some text screen shots and store them off your phone, too. Just in case.
Agree with everyone above. Do not respond to texts that are not work related and do not accept social invitations; just decline politely. Back up your phone with all texts. Screen shot is also a good idea. If he is your direct supervisor and will be giving you a grade/evaluation, his behavior is completely unprofessional and inappropriate. Even if not, he is exhibiting the symptoms of a stalker. Caveat: I am not a professionally trained profiler, but I have worked on enough cases as a lawyer to be very suspicious. You may have to go to HR at some point, and the heck with whatever consequences there might be for him. HE is the problem; not you.
Wow, if he really doing all that. i am sure that you know what to do next to block him. i wouldn’t let that get in the way of your career. Just make sure that you able to talk to someone and tell him that he isn’t doing is job right. I am sure with this type of behavior he will get fired eventually. even if it’s not with you i am sure he is doing the same to a lot of other people as well. Make sure you focus on your goal and that is to have a good career out of your job not on the problem of him.
The fact that he continues to text you after tellling him his dinner proposition made you uncomfortable demonstrates a complete lack of professional boundaries. That exchange alone should have put an abrupt stop to non work related texts.
You have 10 more months. I’d go to HR and explain you are not comfortable and would like a different mentor. You deserve a positive experience.
Thank you for your input everybody.
He is not my supervisor, I formally report to someone else, but an associate level engineer. The issue about asking for a new mentor is that my place of work is small, and there are only a handful of other engineers, and they all work closely together. My manager said at the start of the internship that we should be cultivating some sort of friendship, but I feel like this goes to far. I don’t mind occasional personal texts or even doing things on occasion, and I have been friends with other coworkers in the past, but nothing like this constant contact he keeps up. The culture of the company also supports being friends with/having good relationships with coworkers and people will go do things together on occasion so I don’t want to report and seem like I’m not fitting in. I’m worried about stopping responses in case of it being seen as “rude”. I saved screenshots of any red flag that came up, and if I do decide to talk to someone, I haven’t deleted any conversations. I’m also refusing any adding on social media especially snapchat.
Also, I do think he would be able to provide a recommendation/reference because he is an associate and I am an intern. Specifics on that haven’t been discussed and I don’t think they will until closer to the completion of my co-op
Okay. Be aware and be careful. Keep track of everything [probably good training for an engineering type]. If he were [intentionally using the subjunctive] to give a less-than-positive review down the road, you should be prepared to push back.
A thought: Is it typical at this place for people to have a single mentor for the entire term? I usually have three one-year law clerks [kind of the same thing as an internship] and I have three experienced supervisors for them, but I usually move them around so that each clerk gets to work with each senior attorney, because each supervisor has different skills. One might be a more creative writer; another might be better at time management. Would there possibly be a way of pitching a proactive request to work with others in the unit?
You’re doing good so far, and you are right to feel concerned. Send copies of the texts to your email so that you have proof in case they get wiped out on your phone.
Don’t do anything with him alone; and don’t respond to the non-work texts. Even if you go out with a group, make sure someone knows your whereabouts so if you get left alone with him (ie, others leave early), someone knows where you are and when you should arrive home, and confirm with the trusted person when you arrive home.
He doesn’t get to decide for you whether it’s friendly or pushy. You aren’t expected to be polite to people who won’t leave you alone. You also don’t need excuses for refusing. Just say “no thanks, I have other plans,” and don’t respond to questions about what those plans might be. You don’t have to accept behavior that makes you uncomfortable because he’s your boss and may someday be writing your review. Bosses shouldn’t be inviting young interns over for a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine.
Is he still inviting you out or are his texts about other things? If he texts you about business after hours I wouldn’t respond at all except maybe to say you can discuss it tomorrow (or Monday if it’s a weekend). You’re not on call 24/7 and answering work messages after hours is a bad habit to get into. You shouldn’t be using your phone for business at all unless it’s a company phone and they’re paying for your cell plan.
If he’s texting you socially then quit responding to his texts, or at least selectively choose which to respond to, and then keep the answers short. If he asks why you didn’t respond just tell him you were busy then change the topic to business. Repeat as necessary.
You haven’t actually asked him to stop sending personal texts. I think you need to do this as a next step. Be polite and professional in the workplace. Tell him that you are fine with work tests, but really aren’t comfortable with personal texts. THEN ghost him. And if he keeps it up, THEN go to HR.
I agree with all of the above and would like to add: Tell your parents. I know that this may be uncomfortable for you but you need to tell a person who is in your corner, to know what is happening at work.
Agree 100% with @“aunt bea” and apologize for not thinking of that myself.
Wow. His behavior is completely inappropriate. You have been handling it correctly so far.
He is gaslighting you. Trying to make you think that the problem is on your end instead of his. This is very manipulative behavior. I also would characterize his behavior as stalking.
I agree with the advice to tell your parents. Also tell the department at your school that set you up with this co-op. Send him a short, polite, but firm text – in response to his next inappropriate text – telling him to stop texting your PERIOD. No texts at all. Texting is more personal and informal than email. Tell him to email you when there is a work matter that he needs to contact you about. Do NOT do anything to appease him. For example, do not think that if you have dinner with him or go to his house one time he will stop. He will not. You have done a great job of setting boundaries. Now you have to make those boundaries even firmer, in a polite way.
IF HE ESCALATES, you need to go to HR immediately. If HR does nothing about it, or if it continues to escalate despite what HR is doing, you will have to leave, change your phone number, and change your personal email address.
Yes… I agree, I’ve only received a few work related texts ever. People email or talk in person or call your office phone or use a chat tool provided on work computers like Lync or Jabber (where there is an easy audit trail).
You have received very good advice from many posters here. His behavior is not normal and your feeling is valid. Your self defense antenna is up, so go with that.
I would email him (from work) to let him know you would prefer not to get personal text messages, and if you need to work after hours then let you know ahead of time. Let him know you very much enjoy socializing with your colleagues after work, but you would prefer to do it in a group because you are an intern and you want to avoid any misunderstanding/misconception.
By emailing him, you are formally telling him that you do not welcome his interaction. If he doesn’t get it then the next step would be going to your manager and HR.
Few years ago an older/senior person was fired because he was harassing someone on my team. He consistently asked her out to lunch, company events, and would put his hand on her back sometimes. She finally came to me when he emailed her about getting together after work when his wife was out of town. The protocol was for me (her manager) to go to HR once it was brought to my attention.
Your intuition is telling you something. Be smart enough to listen, and old enough to speak up for yourself.
Hi everyone. A lot of my circle knows. I’ve told my close friends and roommates about this situation, and I told my parents as well. I basically woke up to a “good morning” text today and responded, “I hope you have a good day as well. However, I need you to stop contacting me outside of work hours about personal matters. If you ever want to plan a group event and include me, that can be done over office e-mail. I am excited about and value the experience I will gain from this and do not want any red flags about me given to my other colleagues or management. If you do not respect my opinion about this, I have no problems going to HR.” If he continues to reach out, I am going to tell my manager and potentially HR if my manager cannot appease it. I would rather not go to my university but I will if these steps do not get the problem fixed. I go to a required co-op school, so it would look bad for me to quit after 1 semester/rotation because they promise employers that recruit 3 rotations. I also planned on taking this entire school year off to co-op, did not register for fall classes and don’t know if they’re open, I also do not think I’ll be able to find somewhere else in the fall to work this last minute.