My mailman's name is Richard

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Southern California
1

<p>My mailman's name is Richard and he is conspiring against me. He knows what I want and yet every day it's the same thing...</p>

<p>He drives his ratty old dirty white pile of USPS's finest up to my mailbox. He pretends to shuffle the mail for at least a full minute, lazily shifts his plump cheeks and oozes out of the pile. He considers my mail like he's satisfied with it or something, then he looks over and pretends to have just noticed me hanging over the side fence gate.</p>

<p>Richard shrugs in a laughing manner: "Doesn't look like it's here yet."
Wheaty swears under his breathe: "Thanks Dick... just give the damn bills then."
Richard gives one of those looks: "Hey, maybe tomorrow?"
(This last part is always delivered as he's just on the verge of giggling.)</p>

<p>I just walk back thinking of ways to defeat my nemesis, Dick. Yes I know that referring to him by the shortened version of Richard is childish but I think he has what I want and he's just toying with me. He has ceased to be a Richard to me. </p>

<p>Every day it's the same. Well every day except yesterday...</p>

<p>Richard opens with his placating "Doesn't look like it's here yet" crappola.
Wheaty with dead eyes: "I know you have it."
Richard slightly off balance: "Have wha...?"
Wheaty more quietly but with purpose: "Bring it tomorrow." Hold a beat, "Just be sure you bring it tomorrow".</p>

<p>So really it's up to Dick. While it is true that he holds all the cards, I have recently come into the possession of a yellow slingshot and I made several hundred small ice cubes last night. Ice melts. :)</p>

<p>So we'll see what the mail brings today. We'll just see.</p>

2

<p>hahahahahahahahaha this is amazing. i feel your pain man</p>

3

<p>Couldn’t have said it better myself…and I think Dick must also be delivering the mail to our house these days…and quite possibly to many other CC faithfuls…</p>

4

<p>I think I would give him a nice batch of cookies - kill him with kindness and he may make a special trip to your house first on his route the day you do get the PACKAGE!!!</p>

5

<p>Can someone bake some cookies for Dick in case he brings GOOD news? After being peppered with ice cubes all morning he will need cheering up.</p>

6

<p>bangkok and I think alike!</p>

7

<p>Should have been a screen writer…I could see the entire episode unfolding. Bravo.</p>

8

<p>Well, Ernie knew what we were waiting for. On Friday I gave him a heads up, and he promised to come early if he saw it in our pile (our mail normally comes at about 4pm). He’s so sweet - maybe it’s the Sesame Street name.</p>

<p>Saturday morning at about 11:15am, I was in the chair at the hair salon when I called my husband to ask if the mail had come yet. Naturally, my husband had no idea of my mailman stalking and wondered aloud why on earth the mail would’ve come that early. So I had to confess. He said he’d call me back.</p>

<p>A few minutes later, I answered my cell. I could barely hear him due to the blow dryer.</p>

<p>“Okay. Here’s what’s in the mail. A Rolling Stone… a bunch of bills… a bunch of junk… and… a BIG FAT ENVELOPE FROM USC.” </p>

<p>I screamed, scaring my hair stylist. My hubby then informed me that he had put the fat envelope on our son’s bed and left the house, and since son had slept over at a friend’s, he would soon arrive home to find the good news but have nobody to share it with! Typical husband thinking. I did not like this plan, so I flew out of the chair and raced home with damp hair to beat my son. (But not before posting on cc via iphone, mind you!)</p>

<p>Just then my son called to tell me he was on his way home. Oh no! I told him to please wait. He asked me why. I told him to trust me. He said “but the mail doesn’t come this early.” I said “just please wait.” He said “there must be bad news, and you don’t want me to be alone.” I assured him there wasn’t bad news, but at this point I think he was on to me. Oh well. Maybe my husband’s plan was better. Did I just actually say that?</p>

<p>So, son and I got home at the same time. Major happiness ensued, followed by lovely hugs.</p>

<p>And btw, I don’t think I’ve thanked you all for your congrats. We were very busy calling family. So thank you so much for your support.</p>

<p>And thank you, Ernie the mailman.</p>

9

<p>Did this happen to anyone else? When my mom emailed the tax return for 2009, she received an email back from fin aid that they did not need the tax return, the were going off of FAFSA this year? I hope that isn’t a bad sign. I’m still forwarded.</p>

10

<p>Cookies for Ernie!!!</p>

11

<p>And I’m sure he’s plotting against me too. I’m actually quite sure that my envelope has been run over by his vehicle. Regardless, he continues to deliver our mail. Daily. AT FIVE PM, though it is short one important piece of information.</p>

<p>I have a job too, nameless mailman, that requires me to be there at 5pm. I must leave promptly at 4:30 to get there on time. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE MAIL, you see.</p>

<p>Unlike the convienienced citizens of America, I have to go to school, come home, attack AP Government homework and then return to the dirty confines of my minimum-wage job at Toys R Us. I lead a glamorous life, I know. And my nameless mailman should cater to my needs.</p>

<p>Part of me wonders why, you nameless mailman, why must you not deliver my mail until 5 PM? Surely your mail route should not be that long. What are you doing? You are overweight. Did you spend too much time in Krispy Kreme this morning? Are you cheating on your wife with one of the upper-middle-class cougars on the other end of the neighborhood? Why, Mr. Mailman, must you refuse to deliver my mail until after I leave for work? Are you aware of how late 10pm is to receive mail?</p>

<p>And, Mr. Mailman. I offer you a deal. One USC Acceptance package for one dozen, delicious, delectable, non-diet Krispy Kremes. Surely, Mr. Mailman, you will find a deal like this lusciously undeniable.</p>

12

<p>My maillady’s name is ALMA!</p>

13

<p>I love you wheaty. Honestly.</p>

14

<p>Jazz/shreddermom,
I can assure you that there are no Ernie’s running around in my predicament. I’m just stuck here with Dick. So while I’m really happy for you, your stories of this mythical Ernie are just salt in my Richard wound.</p>

<p>Tornados,
Hey tell em to give me a chair over in the SCA! </p>

<p>Flloyd,
I know we just met but trust me when I say I’m all about the love brother!</p>

<p>All,
I need some help from those with experience in the following areas as I’m having a few technical issues.</p>

<p>Issue #1. It’s pretty warm in SoCal today and it’s affecting my practice ammunition. Specifically, when I draw back to get to the locked and loaded position the ammo pouch is right there next to my mouth and the warm ammo drips all over my cigar. Obviously irritating but also distracting me from my target!</p>

<p>Issue #2. As you may have guessed, I got the Turbo X-15 from WristRocketdotcom. I love their motto: Serious problems require serious tools. (Does this fit my Dick problem or what???) I’m having a problem with the optional gyro sighting system. I can’t get it to spin up! Yes I’ve double checked the batteries (duh)! I’ve been to the FAQ section of their site but that was no help. (Although they did have a lot of useful info to people that may have lost the use of one or more of their eyes!) Anyone else ever have this gyro issue?</p>

<p>Issue #3. Like I said above, I’m all about the love and as such I’m a little rusty on lines of fire, alternate escape routes, understanding when to employ the heavy stuff, etc. etc. Can anyone suggest some proven reading material so that I can brush up?</p>

<p>Oh crap, I hear that stupid truck coming! Damn, I’m not in position… aarrrggghhhh!</p>

15

<p>Dear Wheaty,</p>

<p>I know a guy. That’s all I’m sayin’. You want his number, meet me at the place near the thing. I’ll hook you up.</p>

<ul>
<li>jazz/shreddermom</li>
</ul>

16

<p>… deleted… =)</p>

17

<p>suggestions for #1?</p>

<p>step up the ammo a notch… maybe small pebbles? or possibly a combination of our previous ideas! launch the cookies… extra crispy and tough. dick can’t complain… its a generous gift… yet it would still keep him on edge. win win. </p>

<p>hahahah :slight_smile: you’re hilarious wheaty</p>

18

<p>hahahahaah <3</p>

19

<p>Hope he doesn’t finish off poor Dick and then have to watch the police confiscate a big envelope from USC…</p>

20

<p>try laying down heavy gum on the road? banana peel is overrated. Got any extra thumb tacks?</p>