<p>Hello...
My teacher critiqued my college essay yesterday, and made some adjustments. I wanted a second (or third, fourth, fifth, etc) opinion on specific comments that she made. I'm not going to post the entire essay, merely specific phrases she pointed out. The main idea was my observation of diversity through specific involvements I had in the community. </p>
<p>At one point I wrote "spectrum of denizens"
She said this vocabulary was over the top and detracted from the essay.
I want to know if you think so too, or if you think its just a good display of my vocabulary and how I like to use verbal description.</p>
<p>I also ended the essay as "And, of course, if that doesn't work out, I could always write a cookbook" </p>
<p>What do you think? Change or don't change?
ANY comments would be SUPER appreciated! I really want the advice of the denizens of the CC community! </p>
<p>I'd say to stick to one specifc involvement .. and could you at least post the full sentence or even the ones around it? Its hard to tell with just a phrase with it fits with the rest</p>
<p>ok...sorry for the incompleteness...
"Never before had it occurred to me that my neighborhood held such a spectrum of denizens; where some were forced to search through the bargin bin, others selected gourmet ingredients, cushioned by meticulous packaging."</p>
<p>It probably hurts you more that you spelled bargain wrong. And, yes, it does look like you just whipped out a thesaurus. It does not appear natural to you.</p>
<p>ok...yeah thats basically what I wanted to know, if it sounded too thesaurus-y. It's a shame that it comes off sounding that way, just because one employs some unusual words. But its true, I suppose. And you know, the whole bargain bin thing, she didn't pick up on that either. Thanks Jarn for enlightening me on that one...</p>