Fcc- you are in a tough spot and I don’t mean to suggest otherwise.
But it strikes me (as an outsider who doesn’t know your family) that at the end of the day, you are still a grownup and your D is still a child (not for much longer, but at least between now and when a college decision needs to be made).
Would you consider talking to her-- recognizing that getting her to that conversation will be difficult… and just explaining what you’ve laid out here? (If it were me I’d leave out the Ivy part. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, and there is no financial aid tooth fairy slipping an extra 10K under your pillow at night just because your D got into Dartmouth.)
Just like kids in intact families do- your D needs to see the facts. Her mother has had ups and downs in terms of her employment, no guarantees going forward. You’ve had major expenses-- legal and otherwise. What the financial aid forms will show does not accurately reflect your capacity to pay right now. And you wish it had been different- but here it is, time for some truth and sympathy.
At the end of the day, my guess is that your D would rather have a relationship with you (even if her mother has demonized you to the end of the earth and back) than not. At the end of the day, my guess is that your D wouldn’t want to go to college knowing that she was dooming you to working until you were 95, or forcing you into an indigent retirement. And given the number of adults I know whose parents divorced during their childhood-- even now, into middle age- the biggest regret is the lack of relationship with the parent who “left”, regardless of who actually left whom.
You will be filling a hole much bigger than a cash flow gap for college if you use this situation as an opportunity to tell your D how much you love her and are proud of her. And you will reap benefits much bigger and snazzier than a college diploma if you and your D can move towards each other by each respecting the other’s needs and point of view.
Your D likely doesn’t know what a strain some of her colleges are going to place on you- not just for four years, but for several years. And she’s old enough to understand that even if her mom tells her that you’ve got dough stashed in all sorts of places to hide it from the courts and child support, if you honestly lay out your financial picture, she will realize where the truth lies.