Im sorry but this idea that an ivy education is worth unlimited financial risk just doesn’t add up to me. First, there is basically zero evidence to suggest that a Princeton education is worth more than UCLA, UCSB or any other state university. I am sure Ivy grads may argue to the contrary but since they can’t prove they wouldn’t be successful if they graduated UCLA it’s all just personal opinion.
We have a very high performing eldest son who basically had his choice of where to apply. We didn’t need to tell him the financial implications of choosing an Ivy, he could work that out for himself. We just told him that wherever he decided to go for the next four year, it will not define him or his successes in the future.
The suggestion that a promise made by parents with the best intentions but without all the facts should be honored at any cost seems to me to be naive and certainly not an example of a great education in itself. Life is tough, it’s a struggle and rewards need to be earned. I would hope that any potential Ivy student would already recognize that for themselves.
They had all the facts and they aren’t taking unlimited financial risk, they are just choosing not to spend what they previously said they could afford. It seems that the only posters the don’t endorse Princeton are people that have never been to an Ivy themselves or sent their kid to one. I guess you don’t know what you don’t know. Any posters that really know Princeton say it is worth it even with a big stretch (which again, doesn’t seem to be an issue for OP). Given their choices, imo, Princeton all the way, no looking back.
Whether Princeton holds more value than UCLA, UCSB or any other university is not the issue.
The issue is whether the parents had an obligation not to mislead their son when he formulated his college list, wrote his applications, and then considered his acceptances. A 17 or 18 year old can’t “work out for himself” the implications of choosing an Ivy if his parents tell him that finances are not an issue.
For all we know, had he known that finances were an issue, this boy might have chosen a school awarding him a full ride, one that doesn’t even stack up on the prestige meter with UCLA… He might even have applied to Princeton as well and been accepted. But if he’d done that, knowing full well that his parents couldn’t afford the price tag, the situation would be very different. I don’t think there is a single person commenting here who would fault the parents in that scenario.
The original thread did not suggest that they knew of any specific school when they made their commitment. Only that they made the promise previously.
'We have previously told both of our children that we will pay for their college education if they work hard, which they have done. However now that our first one is about to go to school, the reality of 4 years of Princeton costing $260K is hitting us. ’
They may be naive in making such an open ended commitment but I don’t consider it to be misleading.
We must be very blessed because our 17 year old understands completely the financial implications of his college choices. He has chosen a school with a great reputation but more importantly one where he himself determined he could graduate with little or no debt, even without any contributions from his parents. He did consider several Ivies but concluded the potential benefit did not justify the price tag, be it cash or debt.
Note that 11 out of the 14 schools in that list are similar in price to Princeton (the other 3 are UCs; in another post, the OP mentioned being a California resident). Also, the OP wrote “Money is not a factor in the decision” in that thread.
Presumably, you told him up front, before applications, that he needed to consider costs and whatever limits you have, unlike the OP?
Maybe they have been paying attention to the economic forecasters who are predicting global recession and that has made them uneasy about the commitment.
But never mind me, I think I must live on Pluto; where I live has been reclassified bc it is a different world where money is actually is an object.
I have no problem with either the "cant pay" or the "wont pay"
If the kid wants it that badly then they can take loans (ie w parent) and work.
I dont believe parents owe it to their kids to "full pay" for a private education, if they can and want too that
great.....but the kids are not "owed " it
The college process is very emotional for parents and kids......they will get thru it. And to those who have . expressed resentment towards their parents for NOT full paying their "dream" school, GET OVER IT!
Spoiled!!!!
I don’t consider myself spoiled. I do think that my siblings and my experience at large flagships was a bad fit for both of us. Our lists were ill conceived.
When my son was little, he asked me-a single mom- that if he got into MIT or The like- could we afford it. I told him I’d find a way. When applying for colleges, he applied to top tech schools and a few Ivies. He could go for free at our flagship or UMiami. Those were his safeties, financially and academically. When he got into a reach school, I paid the check. I think he has gotten many opportunities that he wouldn’t have had with our instate schools.
If UCB or UCLA or other CA schools had been an option, and CS was the intended major, our discussions thru HS very well would have been different. Being near SV for school would have presented so many internship opportunities
How long is OP going to continue to wait to tell S that they are not paying for him to go to Princeton or any of the other full pay schools that he is still waiting to hear from?
The parents have known since mid December about Princeton. The COA is in black and white at the bottom of the acceptance letter if that information had previously escaped them. Okay, they told him they would pay for anything, they helped him put together his application list based on that, and now they think have changed their minds. That’s their choice-but they need to MAKE the choice.
Posters are very quick to judge 17 year olds about their application strategies but it is the adults that dropped the ball here. Their S could have put together a list of private schools that offered merit aid and had some options other than the CA state schools.
And now the parents are stringing him along in March rather than allowing him to make a choice and adjust to it? Time to sit down with their S rather than looking for affirmation from a group of strangers.
Also, based on this post in December parents were not encouraging S to look beyond Princeton:
"DS got his tshirt but is not going to wear it until he decides on Princeton for sure. But it is really looking likely–since being accepted, his motivation to apply anywhere else has dropped like a rock!’
I am stunned…I think OP and the son are surprised by the admit as most kids would be, I am quite certain since even the smartest kids aren’t getting in. Son has not visited so this is not a ‘life-long dream’ situation. It is a brand name. You guys are assuming way too much as am I.
Quite frankly, I am appalled at the harsh judgement and terrible treatment of the OP! They asked for advice - not snotty, critical, self-serving jabs at their choices. It used to be that parents supported each other even when they weren’t always in the right. Please some of you look up the definition of advice.
If you are an Ivy graduate who has paid over 200k for that degree, you have a reason to judge… And only YOU! Those of you who we’re blessed enough to attain one when college costs weren’t more than the GDP of multiple small countries do not. And the other folks throwing their negative weight around who have absolutely no idea of the facts other than the brief tidbit here need to sit down and shut up! It is probably that the OP is upset/confused and needs your support!
These are people who have already sacrificed…old cars, small house…it’s not as if they are Vanderbilts holding out on the son. We have to stop treating each other so badly for the parenting choices we make.
This is very much an issue of perception… If 500k is chump change to you, then please don’t be the one whose kid is getting tons of FA.
I told my son he could have a new bike for Christmas, but he actually wanted the $1500 mountain bike like his friend. LOL… he wias just fine riding the mean streets of our neighborhood with the $200 bike. He agreed once he got it and I told him that that was money we could use on his car eventually. Now he doesn’t even ride it that much.
No doubt an Ivy degree is sweet, but being practical is also a good choice, so the son can go to Med school, law school, etc. on the other hand, they decide to go for it, they are doing it for the right reasons.
The key aspect of this discussion is being lost on some posters.
The parent told their son that they would pay and that they could pay. The family knew it was full pay and the vast majority of the schools applied to were schools where they would be full pay, including Princeton SCEA.
The young man is accepted at Princeton and now the parent is waffling, and the reason stated is because of the desire to retire early. Not inability to pay, not due to any unforeseen financial circumstance etc.
The kids application strategy would likely have been far different had he been aware of this.
I get the magnitude of writing the check at that level, we are doing it. It does get emotionally easier, especially so when you begin to see and live the amazing experience that your child has at a school like Princeton.
Had Princeton and the other full pay schools not been a possibility that should have been known to their child before the application process had begun.
@phunt01810 - this is not about a spoiled child. No parent is ever obligated to pay for a dream school, even an Ivy. That is not what happened here. These parents guided their son and helped him craft a list of prospective schools, all of which were excellent, and told their son that money was not a concern. They did not craft a list that would provide their son with strong merit or full pay possibilities. Once the acceptances rolled in and it was time to pay the piper, they are considering reneging on the entire plan and their agreement. Ultimately, they can chose to do whatever they want, and they will have to live with the consequences. But they have given us no indication that there was a life event which has impacted their finances. Indeed, the OP has said they can afford it.
Most on this site would agree that having a specific conversation about college finances and the amount which the family can/will pay ahead of the application process is the key, and that parents are well within their right to lay out their own terms, whatever they may be.
I have seen this same scenario a couple of times, and the results are not pretty. Relationships are damaged. Trust is a delicate thing. It takes little effort to destroy it.
@Mom2aphysicsgeek - I can understand people being concerned about the economy and the prospect of an impending 6 figure expense. We all follow our own economic view. The future is never guaranteed. I advocate treating college savings in the same way we are advised to treat retirement savings - untouchable, except for the purpose it was intended. If the OP had always intended to fully fund college (as stated), then their lifestyle has not been predicated on having this money. Indeed, they have done without for many years. The only way one amasses a sizable college fund or retirement fund is to sacrifice. The OP has not indicated they have had a significant life event or that they fear a global recession. The OP has implied (rather strongly) that they would rather have the money for their retirement. If one’s view is that it is best to take the frugal road in all things (even college costs), there is nothing wrong with that. I find a bit of a disconnect between the OP’s frugal lifestyle and the prospect of paying for any college at any cost. It may be difficult to make that course change when it comes time to write the check.
But did you take him to the store and let him pick out the exact one he wanted? Did he get to pick the color of the $1500 bike? And then did you put it under the tree Christmas morning? Then take it back to the store in the spring and exchange it for the $200 model? That’s the difference. No one has said that it isn’t the parents choice to pay or not to pay for Princeton. But not everyone is going to pat OP on the back and say it is okay to continue to waffle at this point.
Well I don’t know all the facts so it’s not up to me to pat him on the back or not… I do know OP asked for advice, not my opinion! For all you know, I might agree with you. However, Squeaky merely asked for advice on the situation as it stands now… They aren’t sure how they feel about spending such a large sum on college for two kids.
All the rest including those of you who went back and shamefully flaunted previous posts of theirs to prove your point néed to try to advise where to go from here. This is along the lines of ‘it’s worth it…do it’ or ‘we’re in the same boat’ or even ‘tell him that we are willing to spend that on education but this is very much a family choice that will limit choices in the future.’ Advice, not shame.
I think @Themclos hit on the crux of the matter. The OP and spouse have lived frugally their entire adult lives. It must be difficult to suddenly change one’s spending philosophy from “Let’s consider cost, value, need versus want” to “Cost is not an issue”. Hopefully the son realizes this.
However, I would totally understand if the son feels betrayed by his parents when they tell him now, three months AFTER being ACCEPTED into his top choice, that his true choices are the in state schools, no matter how good they are. My advice would be to own the mistake, apologize to the child and accept the anger, frustration and resentment if that is the immediate outcome. Work to regain the child’s trust.
I’m not going to tell the OP how to spend the hard earned money. Obviously if the OP doesn’t want to pay for Princeton, the son isn’t going to Princeton. That’s the easy part. The hard part is managing the parent-child relationship.
I have no issue with you holding that opinion, and I don’t even disagree with it technically. The problem is that for the situation at hand it is completely irrelevant and misses the point. The point being that in American society, starting around the 1960’s or so, it became increasingly common for parents to pay for college for their children to the extent they could afford it. By the 1980’s or early 1990’s, this was so much the case that to not do so, at least in part, was the exception. But there is certainly still no obligation legally or even traditionally for a parent to HAVE TO PAY for that college education in any amount.
What has become an obligation, though, because of this 30-40 year old set of circumstances, is for the parent to tell the child early, like when they start middle school at best and when they start high school at worst, what their intentions are. To tell a child all the way until the college decisions are in not to worry about finances and then say “Oh, we don’t intend to pay for any of this” is abhorrent. Now that is extreme of course. But while less extreme, to tell that child not to worry about finances, or to mislead them by not even bringing it up as an issue (keep in mind who are the adults and parents here when you or others say things like “the child should know enough to figure it out”, which is absurd anyway) and only telling them at the last minute there are limitations, is equally unethical and a ridiculous violation of their responsibility as parents. What the child SHOULD be expected to be able to know given all the facts is where they can then apply in hopes of being able to afford it if accepted. Or they can make other plans like taking a gap year to establish independence from the parents and therefore qualify for total aid at a school like Princeton.
But your blithe and breezy short little comments make no sense if the student has never been made aware of the true situation. Not in today’s society here. Back in the first half of the 20th century? Sure, that was totally different. Nearly every child not of the wealthy class would assume that they would have to work their way through college and would prepare accordingly, if college was a goal they were that fixated on. Then your comments make sense. Now they don’t at all given the times and the particulars as laid out by the OP.
** That’s the issue. ** It has nothing to do with the value of money, or entitlement, or the worth of a particular school. It has everything to do with research, communication, promises, and a parent-child relationship.
SlackermomMD said:
** And there’s the advice. ** That’s the best advice anyone can give if the parent has decided, at this point, not to pay for the expensive private school.
Well, that and look very carefully at the available options to make sure they are good ones for this particular kid. The UCs are not without their issues and they are not for everyone. If for any reason, they are not the right place for this kid, the other piece of advice I’d offer would be to have the boy take a gap year and reapply next year to a different slate of schools with all the facts and constraints in hand. Or pay for Princeton this year.
