@ucbalumnus read the first half of @eandesmom post!
So if the OP had told the son he could apply anywhere, and in fact encouraged applying to a lot of schools that were reaches because as we all know the reaches are just lotteries, BUT had told the son that when all the offers came in theyâd have to review the offers and not just treat full tuition scholarships as âsafetiesâ, everyone would be okay with that? That the son still would have applied to Michigan and Princeton and the other expensive schools and disregarded the financial benefits of the state schools?
I donât get it. Why apply to the state schools at all then? I still think the parents have the duty to guide their child to the school that makes the most sense to the family. People DO turn down Ivies for schools that are more affordable. The kid did it last year after he was accepted to all 8 Ivies and a few other. I donât think that was a smart way to apply to schools, and I really donât think anyone should apply to more than 10 schools, but here it is a case of the OPâs son applying to a bunch of schools and now they are considering offered. He did not apply ED and now wants to back out. He should consider all offers and the parents can push for their choice and he can push for his. The compromise might be that he needs to pay for some of the costs of the higher priced school.
Lots of kids decide it is not worth is to pay the higher price if they have to pay some of it. A fairly wealthy boy I knew wanted to go on his class trip to Russia (yes, fancy school). His parents finally said theyâd pay half if heâd pay half. Now heâd earned some of the money in his savings account, but most had been gifts and it wasnât like he needed the money for college or food, and it wasnât like he couldnât earn more. He said no, heâd rather not spend his own money. The vacation wasnât really worth it to him if he had to part with his own money but heâd certainly have gone if his parents paid and it was free to him.
I did read it. I was not objecting to how @eandesmom decided and handled the situation. Indeed, she handled it well, letting the kid know well ahead of time about cost limits, unlike the OP, who is now in the position of having to give his/her kid a big let-down after encouraging and approving an application list composed mostly of schools that s/he now considers too expensive.
In our houseâŠwe didnât allow our kids to apply to colleges we didnât intend to let them choose. Our restrictions were not financialâŠbut we did have some. Those were clearly spelled out before applications were sent.
But stuff happensâŠand people reconsider their opinions. I do feel bad,y for,this student who was encouraged to apply SCEA to Princeton, got acceotedâŠand has thought that was it for a few monthsâŠand might now be told itâs a no go.
Yeah thatâs ~X(
I realize our situation is different and also have no issues with how Iâve handled it so far. I canât wrap my arms around any school being worth a quarter of a million dollars or more to attend, for any program or degree. But thatâs me.
I can empathize with the OP who apparently thought her child would not get into the pricier options and so it was a safe dream for the kid to have. Itâs a brutal reality check. It doesnât really matter at this point whether that thinking was right or wrong, whether they did their homework on tuition or not, the situation is what it is and how they handle it now will impact many things. I donât get the impression that the OP doesnât agree that it should have been handled differently upfront and they have put themselves in an unfortunate position.
To slam the OP for having second thoughts is counterproductive as to say they âhaveâ to do what they promised. Having a frank conversation about financing an education, for any child, even if you plan to pay for whatever they choose is never a bad thing. Engaging them on what the return on that investment may or may not be, is never a bad thing.
That said, I would draw the line on telling a child that if they choose thisâŠit delays the parents retirement. No one needs a guilt trip like that. But being honest with a child, that you severely underestimated the impact it would have to the family and as youâve looked at it more closely you arenât sure you can really pull it off? WellâŠthatâs life, and life happens. Not a bad thing for kids to learn that now either. We donât always get what we want even if we have earned it or been promised it. Doesnât make it ok, or right but it is how life works sometimes and we all make mistakes, change our mind, reconsider and reevaluate.
One piece of info that would be helpful, that we donât know, is how old the parents are. Are these 50 year olds looking to retire early or already 65? To me, it would factor in.
Allowing your child to apply SCEA to an elite school with the assumption that finances were fine, and then pulling the rug out, is cruel. The son has a right to be very angry at the parents. They didnât believe in him and he proved them wrong. Donât let your kid apply to a school you wonât pay for. Whatâs the point?
We are also full-pay and I understand that full-pay on paper is not the same as full-pay in reality, especially with two kids to be educated. But itâs up to the parents to be transparent and proactive re college finances during the search and application stage.
I cannot understand the desire to âretire earlyâ at the expense of a Princeton education for your child. If you have interesting and lucrative employment, whatâs the big deal about working to regular retirement age (barring health issues) in exchange for such a great experience for your child? I could see it if your job were arduous drudgery, but most people who are full-pay arenât in that situation.
@NJSue Why u soooo angry:)
Because I feel sorry for the OPâs son, who has been placed in a situation that could have been avoided had the parents been more honest with themselves and their son, and more proactive. An elite education, is, well, elite. I know there are many people who donât value it and will say that there is nothing special about Princeton, et al. I disagree. It is a major disappointment to have it within your grasp and not be able to realize it because your parents werenât straightforward with you.
Hoo Boy.
OP, not ideal, but you and your son will be fine. All you need is a plan. Yeah, you can write a check, but the reality â all that money that took so long to accumulate will be gone forever as soon as the check clears - is frightening you.
Do your hard math homework as has been suggested. Find your $ comfort zone, and talk to your son. Let him know the differential. Frankly, you sound like someone with means and it doesnât sound insurmountable â perhaps $15-$20k/yr-ish? And figure it out together. The truly important things will rise to the top. If Princeton is essential, perhaps admission can be deferred for a year for time to accumulate some outside scholarships or income. If it isnât essential, or something else is more important, then he can go somewhere else for less money. You raised a boy who was vetted and approved by Princeton. The two of you are extraordinary â figure it out!
This is coming from another person who had a similar experience over 40 years ago, only my father yanked the rug out from under me after letting me attend for a year. Definitely donât do that! By this benchmark you are not late communicating but well ahead of the game. I also want to say my experience did not have a negative impact on my relationship with my father. In fact, it might well have been the inflection point to the relationship between two, very close, adults. It took me two years, but I figured it out. In hindsight, it may have been the best thing that ever happened to me, it forced me to take charge for the first time â and I found that I liked it. 40 years later, by every single measure, I am a happy, successful human. I wake up every day grateful for all the blessings I have in life. And it didnât take 40 years to get here, I have felt this way for a very long time.
Oh, and by the way, the first check is the hardest. The more you write the easier it gets. As they say, âItâs only moneyâ. Breathe deeply and exhaleâŠ
@NJSue, Iâm with you. For those who havenât read the whole thread, here is some background. This is in the very first post made by the OP in April of 2011:
And this from July 2015 post seeking advice on OPâs sonâs college list:
Net, it sounds as if OP has been thinking about college for his S for a long time, but never put cost constraints onto the child until 8 weeks before the decision should be made.
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I will also say that as I think most people on this thread have children, we all know that sometimes it is the oldest child who gets treated unfairly.What grates on me are the threads where a younger child posts that their parents can't help them with college because the parents took on big debt for an older sibling or two. So unfair.
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I am glad OP is thinking of both children.
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Right! And even if the parents didnât take on debt for Child #1, weâve seen posts where they canât pay much for Child #2 because theyâre already âcommittedâ to paying Child #1âs costs.
@oldbrookie 40 years ago college was a lot cheaperâŠapples and oranges:)
IF the family decides to tour P-ton, they could arrange to meet with someone at the financial aid office. They could present their issues, ask about $ when they have 2 children in college, etc.
I think I can understand your dilemma.
Here is our perspective. Our son goes to Princeton (and will likely to major in CS too!) and we are nearly full pay. We never expected him to get in (though fortunately made no promises beforehand). He could have had a free ride at a top university in Canada (we are internationals). When he got in SCEA we had to go through many of the issues you are facing. I remember the sense of panic I felt at the time.
In the end after talking to lots of friends (especially US friends we knew from our expat experiences) we decided we needed to give him this opportunity. We realised there was nothing else we would be doing with money that was as important as helping him get one of the best undergraduate educations in the world and we believe that is what he is getting.
Thatâs not to say he wouldnât have been as successful had he taken one of his other options. He may well have been. Itâs not about the destination, but about the experience of being at Princeton, as one of such an amazing group of peers and havibg such amazing learning opportunities. We have no regrets and love our weekly videoconferences with our son and seeing him flourish.
You need to make your own choice of course. If you, and your son, think he has what it takes to thrive at Princeton (and think about his carefully as I think a kid needs to be really grounded and have inner self confidence to be a good fit for a place like Princeton), I doubt you will regret it in the future.
@phunt01810, itâs not about being smart. I have nothing but respect for parents who plan carefully, look at their circumstances and priorities, and decide (in advance) that 270K is not in the cards for an undergraduate degree. They convey this reality to their kids, who formulate their application strategies accordingly. But there is a big difference between âcanât payâ and âwonât payâ after kiddo has already made the applications. I also donât like the fact that the parents let kiddo apply because they really didnât think heâd get in. Who are they to make that call? What message does that send?
@bookworm, multiple kids in college at the same time will have an impact on institutional EFC, but I doubt that the âI want to retire earlyâ rationale is going to carry any weight. Princeton has a very generous meets-full-need policy but âI donât feel like working even though I couldâ is probably not an acceptable mitigating factor.
Of course, it also does not help that, out of a list of 14 schools that the OP mentioned (with âMoney is not a factor in the decisionâ) in http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1789885-best-schools-for-math-comp-sci-with-undergrad-research.html last year, 11 of them are priced comparably to Princeton that s/he is now balking at the cost of, 9 of which have no large merit scholarships (the other 3 are in-state UCs). Encouraging a mostly-expensive application list without regard to cost and then later deciding that most of it is too expensive is not likely to send a good message.
Much better would have been to decide on the cost limits and communicate them to the kid before application time, so that the kid would not waste time with 9+ financially futile applications.
Some of us are writing checks like this, consider it worthwhile, and wouldnât reneg on the commitment to do so without something major happening (illness, job loss). The OP said money wasnât an object, then decided after the kid had the brass ring that it was.
OP, you have not answered the question of what your spouse thinks. I wonder if the spouse thinks this is an expenditure they should make.