They said they could afford it by making certain choices, so do it. Sometimes I don’t understand not being willing to give your kid the best education they can get if at all possible. They didn’t say they would starve, they said it would interrupt retirement plans, that does not sound dire or like a big sacrifice. This forum has a pretty clear divide. People that send their kids to the best schools or that attended themselves, like @pickpocket, see no problem spending the money or taking on debt to do so. I believe theirs is a more informed perspective. Some can’t imagine spending $500k on 2 kids, others can’t imagine not doing so if at all possible, because they have experienced the benefits. imo, I can’t imagine choosing a big under funded over crowded public school over certain elite schools if the resources exist to fund it. Apples and oranges.
@LionsMum I agree with you. And to the posters who think kids will have trust issues and be disappointed, so what if her kid is disappointed? Kids have to learn to deal with disappoint ment, even from parents. No, it’s not great, but it isn’t a total devastation, and it’s best avoided, but it happened. I have disappointed my kids a million times I am sure. Every night that I make dinner adds another disappointment to their lives. Lots of talked-about but never realized vacations, plans of all sorts that were discussed but never happened. Life gets in the way.
You cannot fulfil every wish in a kid’s life. Yes, this is a big wish not to fulfil, but her child will get over it. I do not believe that a parent’s number 1 obligation is to ensure that their child gets everything they want in life. Everything they need is a different story.
Everyone who reads this thread and responds to it has their own justifications to support the various scenarios and conclusions they have arrived at.
I get the dilemma.
Personally, this decision would not be influenced by the consideration of me doing something to benefit myself versus keeping my word and the value that I place on the relationship I have with our child and my appreciation for what certain educational opportunities mean.
We are very fortunate and I totally get that.
I also totally get the financial fears. My decision just would not be based on a priority of doing something for myself financially.
The gratification I would receive in knowing that I had given this gift to our child would out weigh any pleasure I derived in doing something to benefit myself economically. This is my own perspective and what is right for me.
I don’t know what this parent’s children’s goals are after undergrad. Some families will spend a lot on undergrad, but their position is "and that’s that, we’re done after that.
Well, every family does things differently and that’s their right to do so. However, keep in mind that many careers these days require some sort of grad/professional schools, and often newish grads are not fully launched with just a BA/BS diploma. Younger son got his BS in '13, but we’ll probably still be fully supporting him for another 18 months, and then partially helping him out for another 3-5 years after that. So, he could be 30 by the time the checkbook fully closes.
Again, I don’t like a few comments that suggest, “more money can be earned later,” or “so what if you have to delay retirement.” It’s a gamble. Sometimes health issues can bring on an earlier retirement, many companies are downsizing or playing games so that they can rid themselves of older, expensive employees. Some of us here on CC are aware of a 60ish year old man who lost his high paying job (some sort of oil industry) about 2 years and wasn’t able to find something else. He committed suicide at Christmas because of financial concerns. Money cannot always be earned later.
As for the comments about retired parents later being dependent on their kids: I believe that one’s lifetime efforts and decisions play well into how children would receive such a burden. If the parents tried to always make good decisions, but something bad happened, then children happily and lovingly help out. If the parents made repetitive silly/selfish/expensive decisions, then that can affect how their kids (and kids’ spouses!!) will feel about the long term burden of supporting parents.
Everyone here has a unique perspective.
I believe that my relationship with both of my kids is strong. But if I had made a commitment to allow them to attend any college they wanted (which, as it happens, I did) and then backed down without an extraordinary reason (such as a family financial emergency), I think that my relationship with them would have been irreparably damaged. And I can understand that because if my parents had done it to me, I would have felt the same way.
On the other hand, if there had been an emergency, they would have coped. They would have been disappointed, but they would not have felt betrayed.
@squeakywheel, I’m sorry your family finds itself in this situation. Your s will end up at a great school, with excellent prospects for the future, so that’s all good. He may well be very hurt when you tell him that you mis-spoke, mis-estimated, or changed your mind about how much you’re willing to pay for college. He’ll probably get over it, but it’s initially going to be a major disappointment, so be prepared for some fallout.
There are good reasons for reneging on an offer - Grandma needs our financial support, the cost of our healthcare/insurance makes this impossible, Mom’s job is in jeopardy, Dad’s health isn’t good enough to work another 15 years. “We spoke out of enthusiasm/lack of awareness” is a reason, but not really an understandable one to most 18 y/os.
It’s your money - of course you have the right to decide how to spend it. Barring the good reasons above, we’d pay for Princeton because we said we would. We’ve probably disappointed our kids plenty of times, but on certain issues we wouldn’t, and this is one of those issues. Wishing you luck on your decision.
I cannot fathom a scenario where my relationship with my kids would be damaged to the degree that folks here are describing. Have we disappointed our kids? no doubt. Are we perfect parents? Absolutely not.
But I don’t think the OP should use fear of retaliation by his son as a rationale for paying for Princeton. He should pay for Princeton after doing the math and concluding that with some sacrifice (not selling an organ- bur realistic sacrifice) and maybe a somewhat delayed retirement (not until 99, but a few years) they can swing it. Or not. Or perhaps once the spreadsheets have been made, the son will eyeball the numbers and decide that Princeton isn’t worth it.
But I don’t buy fear of retaliation, alienation or whatever as a good reason to make a college decision.
Discussing vacations you’d like to go on that don’t pan out is different than assuring your children that the extremely expensive thing you’re encouraging them to do is affordable, even when you know you don’t really want to pay for it, because you’re banking on them getting rejected so you won’t have to be the one who said no. That doesn’t mean I think the parents should spend the money. I don’t know their financial situation. I wouldn’t make a college budget whose success hinged on money I hadn’t earned yet because you never know what will happen, but other people probably have a higher risk tolerance. OP has to do what’s best for their family.
I hope they make a decision soon and let us know how it works out. If they can’t afford the more expensive schools, the sooner they sit down with their son and explain that they overreached, the better. I think I’d leave out the part about hoping he’d be rejected though. Better to say they really wanted to feel like they could afford it but they just don’t. If they don’t intend to pay, hinting around at it is just mean. They need to take the unaffordable schools off the table. And if the cost of other colleges need to fall within a certain parameter, they need to tell him that too.
I don’t know if the OP’s relationship with his son will be damaged but I think it’s a possibility. The resentment is not for changing his mind on one school, Princeton, but for leading the child on for months, and maybe a couple of years. (This isn’t disappointment at failed vacation plans) If the child had applied to ten schools with COA ranging from very affordable to a couple of pricey reaches, then I think the son would understand this sudden cold feet at the high COA. But the OP listed ten, eleven schools and most were in the same price range as Princeton; he encouraged his son to follow a particular path which he now says is closed. The OP changed his mind on the college process strategy after applications are done. This is why I think the relationship may be strained, not because the OP now thinks Princeton is too expensive.
We read on CC from students and parents decrying the hard work their children have done in high school, great stats, great grades, great ECs but denied a chance to attend an elite school due to costs. These posters express disappointment, frustration and anger at the unfairness of the system. And these are people who realize their limitation before they submit applications. So why do people think this child would behave differently if told his schools are mostly too expensive after he’s applied (and in one case, accepted)? In fact, his parent, the OP, had encouraged the child to apply to these elite schools. The OP has said he told the child cost is not an issue.
Why do people think CC’rs strongly recommend to have the cost discussion before sending out applications? This is why. You don’t tell a child “Apply to any school you want. Apply to seven colleges that cost $65,000, one $60,000 and three under $40,000” and think there will be no consequence when three, four months later, you say “Oh, wait, cross out the first eight schools, especially that SCEA one. Your real choices are the three affordable ones.” unless there is a change in your financial standing. That’s a different conversation “Honey, the stock market dive last month affected our ability to pay for college…”
If the OP feels uncomfortable paying the full COA for Princeton, then he is perfectly right to not pay for the school. What he cannot expect is his son accepting the sudden change without any repercussions. Maybe the child will understand, having grown up in a frugal household but at least admit there is a chance the child may be resentful and with due cause.
My advice? Tell the son sooner than later. Don’t wait.
OP’s unfortunately late realization that retirement would be affected has probably made his son apply to the wrong schools. It seems that quite a few of the schools on the list were inappropriate for someone who is not going to get sufficient FA to make the parent comfortable.
Of course no parent has to pay for Princeton for their child. And no, the child won’t be damaged beyond repair and distrust the parent forever. However, I think that a rational response to the situation is for the child to consider carefully any future assurances of financial assistance. I’m much older and presumably more mature than OP’s child, but I’d be p***ed off for having wasted my EA because my parent couldn’t get his stuff together.
ETA: cross-posted with SlackerMomMD, and, as usual, agree with the good doctor.
Agree with everyone that the sooner this discussion gets aired with the son the better. And for God’s sake- don’t visit Princeton. None of my kids applied to P but it had nothing to do with the charms of the town (adorable) the ease of getting to Philly or NY when you wanted to (easy) or the academic offerings and quality of the intellectual experience (deep and intense). Could the social scene be a turn-off? Absolutely. But I don’t think you bank on a kid who has been accepted walking across campus and feeling “gosh I hate this place”. And the students we met- wow.
I know a family who could easily afford this kind of expenditure but they are not willing for the exact same reason as the OP. Their income is over $300,000 per year and have rental properties. The difference is that they are having the conversation now that their child is a high school junior. Personally, I pay a much higher percentage of our family’s income on my daughter’s state school than my friend would of theirs on a pricey private, but then we are in the donut hole category, well and truly squeezed with no dreams of early retirement!
Sadly (well, to my mom - I’m thrilled) the MD indicates my state, not my profession
Well…if all,else fails…and money really IS an issue…the son could take a gap year, and apply where he will be guaranteed lots of merit aid.
Family decision on this one.
Agree with the OPs comment that this is a first world problem, and a “good one” to have at that. Your son is an extremely strong student looking to pursue a PhD program in math and/or comp sci. You can “technically” (your words) afford Princeton. You told your children you would pay for their college if they work hard. Your son has clearly worked hard, and has been accepted into a school that will challenge his abilities. I seriously doubt he will not like Princeton when he visits. I have not read any reason why you should not live up to the agreement you made with your children. You can afford the cost of Princeton - but the thought of doing so is unpalatable to you. I have not read that your retirement is in jeopardy, only that you would like to retire soon, and that an extra $500K would be nice to have in your pocket. Lest anybody feel I am being overly harsh, I am in a similar situation. 1 child in college, with 2 more starting this fall. We have told our children we will pay for their education. We are full pay. We have been saving since before they were born. The reality of possibly spending $500K to $750K for college over a 6 year period is very much in our face. Boy, that money would be nice in our retirement account. But this was what you were saving all that money for - this was the purpose of saving $500K. You have achieved your goal. Do you really want to send the message that your word is not worth anything? That you are changing the rules of the game because you do not like the outcome? I have not read that your economic situation has changed. Good luck working this out. I think the only tactical mistake was speaking with your son before thinking all this through.
Well, there I go again, jumping to conclusions 
Oh my. My parents did this precise thing to me, a million years ago, and even now, as parent with children in and post-college, I can’t think about it without a sharp flicker of resentment. My parents never gave serious thought to cost, they counseled me to apply to any school I wanted and then when I was accepted to two moonshot schools, they balked. To put it mildly, it was a shock. My entire strategy in applying to schools would have been different had I been guided by cost and constraints. I believe that thinking this through well before the first application is made is a parental obligation.
Instead, I ended up at a large state school (free to attend thanks to full scholarship) that was a mismatch from the beginning. My younger sibs had the benefit of my experience and applied far more wisely. One chose a specialty school within the state system and the other chose an OOS state school. We all scratch our heads at the head-in-the-sands approach our parents took and we’ve all handled our own children’s paths quite differently.
I can’t counsel you what to do OP. Just know that changing the rules at this point is not necessarily going to be without consequences.
Wow, a lot of posts in a few days. Lots of perspectives on this situation. Perhaps many parents and students can learn from this real life scenario.
I hope your family has peace with the decision - please OP let us know when the time is right where DS ends up going.
@3girls3cats , excellent perspective. I think you are probably the most qualified of all the posters to give an opinion, and I feel badly that happened to you. I will also say that as I think most people on this thread have children, we all know that sometimes it is the oldest child who gets treated unfairly. Kids don’t come with instruction books, and neither do parents.
@squeakywheel thanks for posting this. You have certainly given people a lot to think about. Hope it all works out for your son.
Let me add some more constructive ideas, @squeakywheel. Think honestly and seriously about your son and his temperament. Do you believe he will thrive at the schools that are less expensive than P? Is there a way to find a program or person within the affordable schools that will help to address whatever needs he may have, be they academic, social, emotional? Can you help him in this?
If your son is easy going and flexible, and is one of those kids who will bloom wherever he is planted, you may be able to have the discussion with him and all of you will be able to move on pretty easily. (The only wrinkle in this is the younger children. IMO, now that you’ve changed the rules, you have to apply them equally to all the children.)
If you don’t think he will have a good experience at the state schools, I’d think long and hard about forcing him to attend. Even a gap year and new application strategy would be better than sealing a bad fit.
If there is a way to make the state school fit more closely, as a parent, I’d offer to do the legwork with him to show your commitment to making his college experience a good one and to show your sincere regrets that the course has changed.