Need Information: legal battle w/ ex-husband over college funds

Colleges and Universities A-Z Swarthmore College
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<p>Hello. Thanks for reading this post. I will try to be as brief as possible with the "back story" that has led to my dilemma.</p>

<p>In our divorce agreement, my children's father agreed (after much wrangling) that we would each contribute a certain (not unsubstantial) monetary amount to a college fund for our 2 daughters. We agreed to put this money into the fund when a specific joint investment gave us its first pay-out. When the pay-out actually occurred, he was supposedly low on funds, so I allowed him to hold off putting in the $ for a while; he wrote a letter stating that when he put in the $, he would additionally match the earnings that my contribution had made. About 1 1/2 year ago, he told me that he had the money and had deposited it to the account. I found out, one month ago, that he had never put the money in. His initial reaction upon being confronted: fury and blustering; when I stopped all contact w/ him and he heard that I would be taking him to court, he began trying to negotiate. I have decided that I will take him to court if he does not put the full amount, along w/ interest earned, into the account.</p>

<p>A bit more information: I decided to let him "win" in the money part of the divorce agreement, in order to protect the children and myself from endless battle. I figured out what I would need to support my children for their dependent years, added my living expenses, and figured out what percentage of our joint assets this would equal. This amount was quite a bit less than 50% of our assets, and he agreed to this deal. I have never regretted it, because I think that it saved me much grief, and saved my children many repercussions. I am giving this information to explain that, from that point on (10 years ago), he has not been responsible for anything financially for our children; he will continue to not be held responsible legally for any $ to our kids, including any costs for college (except for the one-time deposit agreed upon for the college fund).</p>

<p>My daughter will be attending a LAC in the Fall. It is a school that is identified as having one of the highest tuitions of all American colleges. She will get no financial aid at all, and I accept that as fair; I will be able to carry the costs, if I'm very careful.</p>

<p>So..............such a long back story. And here, finally, is my QUESTION: In order to prepare myself for this legal battle, I am trying to figure out the true amount that I can expect to spend, yearly, on my daughter's college education........beyond tuition, room and board, etc. (Also, a clear sense of the percentage that tuition rises yearly). I've heard that the additional, "hidden", costs are quite high. I've Googled a bit, but so far have seen only vague predictions. So, I was hoping to get responses from parents of children who go to colleges with a similar high tuition. If you could relay what, and how much, the additional costs were/are, I'd be tremendously appreciative. </p>

<p>Please........I really don't need any admonitions about my choices; I feel that my original financial decision was the best one that I could make in the horrible situation that I found myself in. Although I now feel shock and a dawning bitterness at the realization, yet again, that I can not trust this man at all, I also feel blessed that I CAN provide my kids with an excellent education.</p>

<p>Thanks for any and all constructive feedback.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you move this post, or ask the moderators to move this post, to the Parents Forum where you are far more likely to receive relevant answers. Far more people look at that forum than one of the individual college forums.</p>

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<p>Thanks, momof3sons. I actually also posted on the Parents’ Forum and on a few LAC forums.</p>

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<p>One of the things that has been a pleasant suprise at Swarthmore is how few extra costs there are. All entertainment on campus is free to students. The college owns the bookstore and we are just amazed at how little has been spent on his books. We started him out with $600 and that lasted for 3 semesters (he is a math and physics major)! There are no extra lab fees. Printing is free, with printers throughout the campus, including the dorms. We sent our son with a ream of paper just in case and it has worked out fine. Alot of this is due to those good old quaker ideals, they want to level the playing field for all students, regardless of their financial circumstances. He is very low maintenence so there isn’t much of an issue with spending money. Try to be realistic about travel expenses and spending money for your daughter and situation.</p>

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<p>Grateful for you opening up this discussion, Keciac19!</p>

<p>I understand from comments made on earlier posts that this is better left for the “parents” section of CC, but here goes…</p>

<p>Thank you for your honesty & putting yourself out there like. I admire the decisions you made which were the best you were able to make at the time. It resonates deeply. My ex & I (& my current wife) share similarities to your situation. The one constant throughout this college application process (w/periodic flairups & posturing), that I am most grateful for – is the communication that we (adults) have maintained throughout. (To my ex’s credit–she has strengths that I do not possess.) </p>

<p>The bottom line: Swarthmore is the college my daughter has revealed (from our phone conversation tonight among her mother, my current wife & myself) where she wants to attend & spend the next four years of her young adult life. </p>

<p>She had narrowed this (among 6 schools she was accepted) between Swat & another excellent LAC with a more generous Fin Aid Pkg. Our personal circumstances made this a contributing factor in her final choice of schools. Her mother has been in favor of the other LAC with the better pkg, and I was all grins & giggles for Swat. Through that phone coversation, her mother recognizes our daughter’s decision and now so do I. What a relief!!! </p>

<p>Tomorrow evening we’re all gathering at my ex’s house (used to mine, too~lol), in order to sign the necessary paperwork, write out the deposit check and celebrate with our daughter & her siblings in her decision. You gotta’ make the most of those important moments in your child’s life, right? Her two younger siblings hopefully will not have such a stressful decision time when it’s their turn…? We can only hope. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>So this will leave one down, and two more to go – also have a hs freshman age son & 4th grade daughter. Many more such “conversations” await us…lol</p>

<p>nursekay, thank you for addressing the “hidden” costs brought up by the OP, and which can add up for the unwary/naive parent. I’m a big fan of those quaker ideals.</p>

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<p>Hi, oompaloompa64.</p>

<p>I did also post my question in the Parents’ Forum, along w/ a few other LAC forums, and have been v/ grateful for the helpful responses.</p>

<p>It’s nice to hear of a divorce situation, such as yours, that has resolved into a mature enough relationship (even with some “posturings”!), at least when dealing with your children. After a few very rocky early years, I thought that my ex and I had finally reached a fairly balanced and respectful relationship…until the issue of money reared its ugly head! On the night that I found out that he had not put the $ in the account: My ex, after dinner out with my daughters, was caught by an ice storm and so spending the night at our house. I remember thinking (although I was slightly uncomfortable about the idea of his sleeping in my home) that it was nice that the relationship had evolved into a reasonable one. Then, the information “hit the fan”. Oh well… But, it’s nice to hear how your relationship has evolved past general fractiousness. Good luck with your two younger kid’s college process; with the age spread of your kids, you might actually have the opportunity to see the college process roll back into a somewhat more rational creature .</p>

<p>Congratulations to your daughter, and to your family, on her decision. It sounds like she has made her decision wisely, and is very happy with it. I also have a H.S. freshman, and hope that the process, in general, will be easier; by that time, the college fund will have been used up, and no longer an issue. While each child is different, at least one becomes less naive about the whole application process. And, it has been a pleasure to watch my older, previously kind of dreamy, daughter take on the college process and go for what she wanted, while still seeing the darker sides of its competitive nature and choosing to move through the process with dignity. That was beautiful to watch! …And, to be able to sometimes laugh together at some of the ridiculous aspects of the process. </p>

<p>Has you daughter been attending a boarding school? I wonder, because you said that she informed you guys of her decision in a phone conversation, and because my younger daughter attends a v/ small boarding school in the Northeast (after K-8 at a Waldorf school - one which my older daughter also attended through this, her senior year). </p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

<p>Nursekay,</p>

<p>I remember really appreciating the Quaker ethos that permeates the educational philosophy at Swarthmore, when my daughter and I visited.</p>

<p>I was assuming that my daughter would have printers easily available on campus, but - from some other posters on the Parents’ Forum - am no longer sure…another thing to find out. If she does have access to printers, I will send her off with a few (she’s a writer) reams of paper. Thanks for that idea.</p>

<p>My daughter is fairly low maintenance, although it has taken her a while to understand that $ is not simply self-replenishing. The speed at which her summer job earnings were depleted was a slightly shocking corrective. I think that she really understands that every penny will count at college next year, although I will sit down with her and go over a list of potential expenses and how to deal with them. In this way, the “divorce agreement dilemma” has helped me, in that I am learning about the idea of extra expenses and will have a plan of action about how to keep these costs down.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

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<p>keciac19, I noticed the post on the parents forum. Think I’ll be frequenting that side of this site in the immediate future…!</p>

<p>D attends a public school in our small(er) town here in the Pacific Northwest – the same one her mother and I attended too many years ago. The quality of education is much improved from those days~lol! </p>

<p>By phone, meant we were calling on our end and speaking with my D’s mother on the other end of the line. Wife got custody of the children with the divorce.</p>

<p>You speak for many of us who are going through this college application process with your observations. Thank you for sharing them with us.</p>

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<p>oompaloompa64, thanks for your post. It’s been good to get all the supportive and informational posts, both in this forum and in the Parents’ Forum. Now, I just have to move ahead and make the decision. Although I know that I’ll start with the insistence that my ex pay the full amount that we originally agreed upon, I’m not sure that I won’t negotiate (eg, allow him to pay it over the next 2 1/2 college years), if it feels like it will be too difficult for him to do it all up front. Most posters have been urging that I just make him pay what he owes, no matter what his financial situation is, and - although I truly understand that viewpoint - I don’t know if I’ll end up doing that. Although he’s acted like a jerk in this situation, and I’m absolutely furious with him, I just don’t know if I want to bring him down lower if he’s in a bad financial situation. I guess that most posters would feel that I’m being weak, and perhaps allowing him to slide IS indicative of unhealth in me…But, since either decision won’t hurt my kids (as I can pay the amount on my own, if i have to…although it’s scary!), I feel that if I end up realizing that I’ve made a mistake if I go with the less tough position, at least that mistake won’t impact my kids. I feel foolish asking this, but: what do you think? Now, I probably sound like a kid…</p>

<p>The Pacific Northwest…I’ve never been, but it sounds like an amazing place. Your daughter is going to be quite a distance away; she sounds like an adventurous young woman.</p>

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<p>keciac19, sounds to me that you are going through this process with the best intentions. Call me a polyanna, but I hve found that things have a way working out for the best to all concerned when we take this approach in every aspect of our lives. </p>

<p>My approach to my former wife has always been with a thought towards the children–it has cost me some stressful moments fanancially, but it always seems to work out in the end. I believe that some day my three children will appreciate my role in their healthy development. And if they don’t, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to keep my composure, dignity and humanity regardless of what I encountered in my relationship with them into adulthood.</p>

<p>We all met at my ex-wife’s house last night. Swarthmore was my D’s decision. Now we celebrate! :)</p>

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<p>Welcome! If you have any questions don’t hesitate to send me a message. My son is finishing up his second year so we are old hands now.</p>

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<p>oompaloompa,
I agree with your take on life, and appreciate your feedback.
I hope that you and your family have a wonderful celebration!</p>

<p>nursekay,
Thanks very much!</p>