<p>*Advertisements provide information about available products and services. Many people argue, however, that something else is going on: advertisements try to convince people that when they buy things, they are also buying satisfaction and happiness. Advertisements merely fool people into believing that the next "new and improved" product will make their lives better, and the result is that people are even more unhappy and dissatisfied than they would have been without the advertisements.</p>
<p>Assignment: Do advertisements contribute to unhappiness and dissatisfaction? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.*</p>
<p>Advertisements contribute to many feelings to the general public, especially the mood of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Many examples found through history as well as life experiences support this statement.</p>
<p>Advertisements fool people into believing the next new and improved product will make their lives better. When the first dishwasher appeared in the 1938 World Fair in New York City, everyone thought this would be the next big thing. No more time-consuming scrubbing those pots and pans and say hello to shiny clean fresh beautiful (oh did I say clean?) plates and utensils. Writing this in a eighty year later time frame, this viewpoint has changed dramatically. My homes dishwasher is rusting already. Its not popping out these supposedly clean items. And its actually quite noisy and time-consuming. There are so many limitations and downfalls to this electronic. </p>
<p>Advertisements also convince people to buy completely useless products. As you might have heard, many commercials offer special deals if the person calls in the next (lets say) 12 minutes. Many people run to their phones without thinking twice and fall to this seemingly harmless plot. Lets take any example of commercial on television right now, the Steaming Cleaner. The Steaming Cleaner magically lifts dust, dirt, and germs off the surface of the floor and into the steam. If you are asking who would fall for this trap? Well my aunt did. She was one of those people who ran to her phone, speed dialing the number on the screen and wasting a lot of money for something she doesnt need. Advertisements waste consumers money.</p>
<p>The last harmless effect of Advertisements is the belief that the buyer is buying something that will help raise his/her satisfaction and happiness. Demonstrated in two examples, both victims end up sad and mad. Sad because they spent quite a bit of money for something not worth the money and mad because it doesnt work to the expected standards. Shown through history and real life experiences, advertisements is not only useless and annoying, but also pollute the public with unhappiness and dissatisfaction.</p>
<p>I’m not going to go through an entire set of critique but here are some pointers to start:
Your introduction is a sad little thing. Beef it up a little and combine “Advertisements contribute to many feelings to the general public, especially the mood of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Many examples found through history as well as life experiences support this statement.” into a clear thesis like: “As demonstrated by history and personal experiences, advertisements indeed contribute to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.”
Connect your examples back to the thesis. The examples themselves are pretty good, but how do they apply to your main idea? Your example with the aunt is good, but a bit more connection would make it strong.
Don’t use second person in SAT essas. It is useless and actually weakens your paper. Eliminate the "you"s and get to the point.
Along the same lines, avoid hypothetical situations as much as possible. I know you didn’t really mean it, but the way you started to word things implied that what was stated was hypothetical. Always convert the hypothetical into a personal experience and make it clear that it is personal experience and not hypothetical. You might not be telling the whole truth, but in reality the graders don’t know you or your life story. In SAT essays, personal experience trumps hypothetical situations.</p>
<p>First of all I agree with everything chewy said.</p>
<p>Your writing is way, way too informal and inappropriate for the type of writing this requires. For example: “If you are asking who would fall for this trap? Well my aunt did.”
Never use “you” in an essay. Never. Us, we, and I may be used, but you should really avoid those too. I mean, you’re not talking to your friend, and you’re definitely not talking to the grader. The SAT essay is an argumentative essay, but you’re not actually directly arguing your point to the reader (as in “if you’re wondering…”). </p>
<p>This brings me to my next point… “Writing this in a eighty year later time frame…” Don’t refer to your writing. Again, this is an SAT essay, not a letter to your friend. I suggest that you look at people’s sample essays and other sample essays that scored well and look at how people write. </p>
<p>Your writing is too colloquial. Using thing’s like “(oh did I say clean?)” is completely inappropriate and is bound to get you a lower score… additionally, you need better and more complete examples, not a cute story about your rusty dishwasher… Granted, this is an oddball prompt, but you should go research some examples (especially books).</p>
<p>Bottom line: become a more formal writer. Stop using colloquial terms and phrases and start writing professionally. </p>
<p>my 2 cents.</p>
<p>EDIT:
I also suggest you read “How to score a 12 essay in 10 days”… Just google it. Soon enough, writing these essays will become more of a systematic thing and you’ll realize that the SAT essay is 10 times easier than you actually think.</p>
<p>Thanks for the critique. Idk, I actually want to harsh critique.</p>
<p>But in all seriousnesss, what example would you use? I couldn’t think of anything! Also how do you beef up a paragraph? Add more background info?</p>
<p>Again, your examples themselves are fine. It’s your development of each example that needs some serious work. Since I have a little spare time, I’ll show you some ways to strengthen up the first body paragraph. This paragraph is in my style of writing, which you may or may not like, but it should at least give you a general sense of what to do. </p>
<p>I am using this thesis: “As demonstrated by history and personal experiences, advertisements indeed contribute to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.”
The next paragraph would then talk about personal experiences (i.e. that stuff about your aunt).</p>