Maybe, but they are not egregious and IMO, she has answered the question. Over editing is bad. It sounds like a teen wrote it, and it addresses the question. Her reasons are solid.
When I work with students, I aim to leave some “imperfections.” If I was being paid to work with this student, I would suggest she trim a few words in #5, but I get the impression that the OP is looking for glaring errors or fixable issues, so in my above answer I’m only focusing on what I feel is problematic.
Thank you for your response. I think that your response shows why one should only work with one editor per article or other writing. Different editors use different techniques.
Helping the writer to organize and present her thoughts in a more clear and concise form does not constitute “over-editing” as it assists inexperienced writers in sharing his or her message. If you read all of my comments, I encourage the young writer to use my edits as a framework.
I purposely used a sterile style in this exercise in order to focus on organization and clear expression of thought from which the writer can then fashion a response in her own words which should add warmth and show her writers voice.
I hope that you reread my comments included with my edits in order to better understand the method that I used in this instance.
I find your comments and all of the comments in this thread to be thoughtful and sincere, but quite different with respect to editorial style. Once again, this illustrates why one should only work with one editor per project = consistency in style & method.
For anyone wanting feedback on a specific writing piece, please use our pilot program in the College Essays and Writing Help category. Closing this thread to push all further conversation to PM.