Nervous about summer internship and life

Parents Forum
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<p>Sorry about leaving you hanging parents … really wanted to come back and reply one by one … and time is so scarce these days … </p>

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<p>I try. And each time I call them I spend more than an hour on the phone. I’m lucky to have dinner before 10:30 PM because usually after that I spend another hour GChatting with a girl I like. </p>

<p>I think the original deal was that they pay for my phone bills as an incentive for me to stay in close touch or as close touch as possible. I’ve lived outside of home during the summers since I started college … first year I did a research fellowship on campus, second year I was in Silicon Valley and now third year I’m in Seattle. I really must say that I’m extremely grateful for the career opportunities that have come my way these past 3 years. </p>

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<p>My parents use this weird Wi-Fi chat app program (to subvert SMS texting) that for some reason AT&T blocks when I try sending them a text using cell data … it’s really weird but I usually cannot reply to their texts unless I’m back at home or am using some sort of WiFi, which isn’t always possible, especially when I’m off hiking. </p>

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<p>YES. Alt rock mainly. I think I’m joining a few interns to watch Neon Trees. They’re not exactly my favorite alt rock band (Foster the People, Black Keys, Cage the Elephant, Coldplay, Muse are closer) … but they’re close enough for a $29 ticket! </p>

<p>But in the tech industry, my impression is that I’m sorta weird … more people seem to like Top 40 / dance/ electro … club music. I’ve never really been into that because it just seems tasteless. </p>

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<p>I feel that people move too quickly these days. I like that I can find others who share interests that I do (e.g. hiking, long-distance running), but … still I find it hard to really connect with most. Good friends are so hard to find these days. I feel that a lot of people in my field don’t really have personalities or passions they enjoy… they’re just all kinda “blah”</p>

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<p>I REALLY LIKE VOLUNTEERING. Will think about joining a few of these projects. Might even bring it up to some interns to measure interest. </p>

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<p>I actually don’t do parties or clubs because I feel that it’s a serious violation of personal space and I don’t drink because I can’t stand the taste of it. I feel like this makes me an anomaly for this generation of “kids” … but yet I’m comfortable enough with myself to not find the need to drink.</p>

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<p>I do this actually, and I worry that I say “no” too much because I notice that some interns that I do stuff with … for example, sightseeing, hiking, movies … are off doing other activities that I might still be interested in that I don’t know about. I’m worried that I’m not doing enough to be social enough (to give you a clue, I don’t usually go out on weekdays because I don’t get back home until 8 PM and I don’t feel safe in my apartment’s neighborhood late at night)</p>

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<p>My parents would die from a heart attack. And they wanted me specifically to call them when I get back home for the night. I think this way they can maximize the time they can take to talk to me … but this in turn limits my productivity/ability to multitask. </p>

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<p>Yes. My parents are Chinese, but they immigrated here in the late 70s/early 80s. I think they’ve “Americanized” quite a bit … but they still value family a lot more than the average American person, I think. Though I’m a MI-native, I also value my relationship with my parents alot, perhaps more than the average college student here, but less than I used to in high school/middle school because I like to get to know more people and spend more time with others than I used to. I guess I’m sort of in this weird transition period as I try to figure out what sort of balance works best for me … and such balances are hard to make these days, I think. It sure doesn’t help when hours at work are so long. (I get to work at 8:30 AM and don’t usually leave until after 7) </p>

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<p>I do something similar. Though I usually don’t eat chocolate in the morning … I try to have different breakfasts here and then. Sometimes I’ll get a bakery item from a coffee shop (my workplace has coffee) … sometimes cold cereal and the other day at work I made this delicious oatmeal with cinnamon, dried apples, cranberries and almonds. It took a bit long to make … and my manager was giving me this funny look because I was in the break area for like 10 minutes. It was actually pretty funny (only possible because I had finished up my project and did a demo the day before) </p>

<p>I really enjoy running (I’ve mentioned this before). I try to run about 10-11 miles about 3 to 4 times a week… I’m training for a half-marathon and lately I’ve been doing these runs with another intern at work. Pretty nice to have to opportunity to run with someone who can run so far and around the same pace (and rare in the tech industry! … I’m currently at an 8:00/mi pace :D) … especially with recent crime activity in Seattle, it makes me feel safer. </p>

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<p>Technically, as a 21 year old I can do anything I want … but I might also be too nice to my parents :smiley: … underlying factor might be a sheltered (and deprived) childhood and a present unwillingness to really grow up and face the real world, even though I have a great job at a great company that I’m pretty happy about … the second reason is why I really would like to spend some quality time studying for the GRE Computer Science test this summer and apply to some graduate CS programs. </p>

<p>Lastly, another question (about people my generation): </p>

<p>There is a significant party/club scene in Seattle. Why do people find it necessary to party so hard? I feel like that this gets in the way of getting to know people well. I don’t understand this rather pervasive mentality nor do I like the idea or the act of doing it. People spend so much money around here on food ($15-20/meal eating out twice a day) and alcohol and it seems that people my age who do have jobs and earn good money don’t have a real concept of saving money, which I think is surprising, given my field’s volatility.</p>

<p>I guess my conservative spending stems from my upbringing and my endless hours spent at playing SimCity 3000/4 10 years ago.</p>

<p>Thanks for the advice parents! I really appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Actually, being a bit apprehensive is a good thing. Will charge you up to take on the new opportunities with vim and vigor. Good luck. You will be fine. You will meet new people who feel just as youd.</p>

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<p>My kids are half Chinese. D1 and I have always been very close. We used to talk few times a day when she was in college because we enjoyed it. Once she started doing internship (she ultimately ended up getting a full time position there), our call frequency just went down due to the logistic. She works from 7am-midnight most days, and often on weekends. She’ll give me a quick call during the day when she is not busy (it doesn’t happen often) or on weekends. </p>

<p>My daugther can party, and she was quite social when she was in school. But work is her priority now. She doesn’t party on weeknights, and never show up at work hung over. When she was an intern, she used to save 50% of her after tax pay. Now she doesn’t have much of opportunity to spend her money because of work. She is planning an expensive European trip this year with her BF.</p>

<p>I did miss those phone calls when D1 stopped calling as often, but now I am used to it. As long as she is safe and happy, that’s it matters. Why don’t you try to call your parents every other day first. When you are on sometimes, cut it short by saying someone from work is calling you or you are tired and need to get to bed. Have your longer calls on weekends.</p>

<p>Your parents are probably more clingy now because of your dad’s illness. Your mom may need to have someone to discuss your dad’s treatment - curse of being the oldest child. You may want to arrange your schedule end of the summer so you could spend some time at home before you go back to school.</p>

<p>It sounds like your summer is going great, and you are finding a better life/work balance.</p>

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<p>Sounds like things are going great with your life.</p>

<p>We’re pretty happy with email or text communications with our son. We don’t normally get anything from him during the work day as he has to focus on his work but we usually get some communication at night. If he had a girlfriend, I’d be happy if he spent more time chatting with her than doing electronic messages with us. I think that your parents will want to give you more space as time goes on. They may find that they have more things that they want to do.</p>

<p>Your career stuff and running sound fantastic.</p>

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<p>An hour a day of calls is ridiculous. I’m first-gen Asian-American too, am very close with my parents, and would never do anything of the sort. Just tell your parents, quite reasonably, that they can’t expect you to spend 7 hours a week on the phone with them when you have 50 hours of work, 56 hours of sleep, 10 hours for transportation, and 5-7 hours for eating. At a minimum. That’s not counting other necessities like cooking (if you cook), running, bathroom time, etc and just time to wind down/enjoy yourself.</p>

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<p>I know but they don’t seem to understand! </p>

<p>The same thing happened again this weekend. On Friday, work took us out to Canada and I didn’t get back until almost midnight (I was out since 5:30 AM, so the night before I had to fight to get to sleep early and skipped my phone call and just texted my parents). On Saturday I went with a few other interns to hike in Mount Ranier … and because I was a driver, I was out early to pick up a rental car and did not get back home until 11:30 PM, by then I was exhausted and it was 2:30 AM in MI. I didn’t do much today socially … I woke up late, ran errands (picked up packages, laundry, groceries, cleaned my apartment) and studied at the library for the GRE. By the time I got back home, it was 8:00 PM (Pacific time) and I decided to call home. They wouldn’t pick up the phone and followed up my phone call with this curt message “Don’t bother calling if you think you can ignore us.” </p>

<p>Honestly, I try much, much harder to keep in touch with my parents than, what I think, most people my age. Work is exhausting, but I try my best to live a balanced life. I had already told my parents that it is very difficult for me to call them and talk with them every night (they are adamant that I have to call them at the end of the day) for an hour … and text them when I’m busy doing other things and the stupid WiFi-based texting app doesn’t work when I’m running on cell data/AT&T (they are so adamant about saving on SMS text messages), especially because of my loaded schedule (or rather what I think is loaded) and the 3 hour time zone difference between MI and Seattle. I’m already an unusual person to try so hard to remain close with my parents … and I don’t think I’m even that social even as I have changed in the past 4 years … I still don’t party or drink (mainly because I don’t like those activities) and I don’t even do social stuff during the weekdays after work (this is the only reason I can still call them after work on weekdays)</p>

<p>My parents don’t seem to understand that I am an adult (according to the law now that I’m 21) and that they are not the only thing on my list of priorities (especially right now because it’s the night before Monday and my room mate is passed out in the main room from drinking too much today at the bar with other interns … and I’m still trying to figure out what to do with him). At this point, I am getting very frustrated and I do not want this summer to destroy my relationship with my parents. I don’t even think I’m that much of a reckless/careless person.</p>

<p>What should I do? Become a lonely and unhappy person!?!? I worked so hard in the last 20 years to get to where I am, and I want to be as happy as I can now, but it almost seems that trying to strike this stupid balance among family, life, and work is impossible, with either life or my family standing in the way. And, the way as it is, this lifestyle is sapping my energy rapidly and I am becoming exponentially confused with life.</p>

<p>If I weren’t so patient with life, I honestly would be like any other person my age and drinking at bars every night (also except that I don’t like doing that kind of stuff).</p>

<p>And I find it sad that I can’t talk to my parents about my issues in life because they don’t or don’t try hard enough to understand my situation and that I have to fall back on CC to talk about things!</p>

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<p>Actually, you’ve been a legal adult since you were 18. :wink: I couldn’t read this and not say anything. You seem like an awesome kid. The pressure your parents are putting on you is really inappropriate, and in fact their treatment of you is controlling and passive aggressive. They are supposed to be more mature than you are, but not picking up your phone calls, getting into snits, hanging up on you, and manipulating your emotions are all extremely immature actions. It seriously confounds me that they’re giving you such a hard time when you’re clearly working your tail off to be successful. I totally understand how you’re feeling sapped of energy, and I can’t understand why your parents aren’t more accepting of your situation.</p>

<p>Anyway, having said all that, I don’t really know if they can come around to a more reasonable POV. You might have to decide to call them less often and deal with the fallout. Honestly, what’s the alternative? How can you possibly devote an hour a day to being on the phone with <em>anyone</em>? (Seriously, I love my parents and my children, but there’s nobody I want to talk to on the phone for an hour.) </p>

<p>I’m glad your internship is going well.</p>

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<p>Is there a 3rd party who can try to make your parents see reason? A good friend or relative that you can appeal to for help?</p>

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<p>Well… you can tell them that you are only going to call twice a week, but you will text that you got home okay every night. Then text them at 10:00 pm no matter where you are. :smiley: Don’t answer the phone if they call you; check the message afterwards to make sure it was not an urgent health issue with your dad.</p>

<p>Then call them once on the weekend and on Wednesday night. If they don’t pick up, leave a message that you called. If they call back, pick up to chat IF it is convenient for you. I screen my elderly mom’s calls sometimes if I am busy with something else. If you don’t set boundaries, no one else will… Sounds like you are having a great summer, enjoy it!</p>

<p>Also… regarding making close friends. If you make ONE really good friend a year for the next 20 years, and also foster a network of acquaintences & friends who are less close (but someone you can enjoy time with), you would have 20 really good friends by the time you are 40 years old. That is more than most of us have, I suspect… so don’t expect close friends to just spring out of every social group, job, school, etc. situation. True lifelong friends are hard to find. So don’t be too disappointed when it takes a while to find the right people and develop a strong relationship.</p>

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<p>Could you send them an email with summary and pictures instead of doing the phone call? I can see where they want to know what you’re doing and perhaps make sure that you’re safe and you can write up a summary much faster than you can do the same thing on a phone call.</p>

<p>Our son did a few of these and he had similar experiences - sometimes he was very busy with work or errands or going out with his internship group on outings. At some point, parents stop worrying about it but it can be different with Asians. There can be elements of control and guilt imposed on children. At some point, you may need to have a confrontation with them over it but ideally it’s when you’re completely independent financially.</p>

<p>BTW, my sister-in-law has tried to exert control over my wife for decades in a similar way - I’ve told her many times to just tell her off but parents and people in place of parents can control you when you are growing up and then make you feel guilty when you don’t do what they want you to.</p>

<p>For now, do the best that you can. Keep them updated as best you can and ignore the snide comments.</p>

<p>On texting, could you just send them an SMS anyways?</p>

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<p>If they’re going to pull these tween girl passive-aggressive stunts, just stay level-headed. It’s nothing to fuss over - call back 2-3 times a week and if they ignore it, they ignore it. They’ll get over it when they realize the attempt at manipulation netted them no connected calls at all.</p>

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<p>Hear, hear. ^</p>