I believe this is the responsibility of her parents, not the butt-hurt aunt/uncle from whom it can only come across as a petty scold.
Just give her a big hug and congratulate her on winning the scholarship with a big smile and the additional information. Your work here is done.
I helped someone on CC with her college essay and she sent me a $10 Starbucks certificate. It was gracious.
If I were the niece’s parent, I would have taken the OP & H out to dinner or bought them a gift. I disagree it was nothing off OP’s back. It was part of OP’s benefits. If she didn’t work there then the niece wouldn’t have such benefit. All benefits have some $$$ value.
I would have been upset just like OP. Maybe I am not as big of person as most posters on CC, or maybe I am just being more honest.
Outside scholarships must be reported at most universities. If her college finds out her institutional aid will be reduced or cancelled.
So we only help the poor if they’re properly grateful? No, decent people help because it’s the right thing to do. And we don’t call children, especially those who are related to us – even if it’s only by marriage – “trashy” and “uncouth.” We offer advice and guidance where we can, but in a gentle, non accusatory manner.
Your spouse should call their sibling and make sure they know the requirements for the scholarship renewal. If he, at some point, mentions how happy he is that the company was able to assist it might prompt the sibling to tell him how happy they are for the help. Or not. The best you can do is model the behavior you hope to see. If calling people names and treating them spitefully is the behavior you’d like to see in the next generation, you’re more than welcome to encourage it. I don’t see how that makes you better than someone who hasn’t thanked you in whatever way you deem appropriate.
I think you should tell your niece to write a thank you to the committee and let her know about future scholarship renewal.
As for her thanking you, that may come later. My high school math teacher helped me get a full ride scholarship to college, and after a successful freshman year, I went back up to the school to personally thank him. I’m not sure whether or not I gave him a thank you note initially, but if I didn’t, I should have.
Teens don’t always think of things like this due to inexperience. So I definitely wouldn’t cause my niece hardship by not telling her about the scholarship renewal. You should definitely tell her.
Something else to think about is that this may be an issue of family culture. In my extended family, we do things for each other all the time without expecting anything more than a verbal thank you. Dh coached a cousin’s bball team, we’ve loaned out our house for parties, aunts/uncles have babysat when we were in a pinch, etc. We never give each other written thank yous unless there was a grad gift or something similar, and it would seem really odd if one of us did so. I wouldn’t expect a thank you note for tipping a family member off to a scholarship opportunity.
Personality also comes into play. After I’ve done something for someone, I generally forget about it quickly so I am often surprised when I receive the thank you note, and I feel bad that someone took the time to write it when it is so unimportant to me. So I have to make an effort to realize how important thank you notes are to others and write them. I didn’t always think of it when I was younger, but now I do.
Anyway, I think you should let this go. Take pride in having done something wonderful and life-changing for someone you love and know that she is likely VERY thankful, even if she is not showing it in the manner she should. Don’t penalize her for her lack of knowledge/experience. Do tell her to send a note to the committee, and lovingly let her know she is the only one who hasn’t done so.
Is it possible you could follow up with them, feign ignorance, and ask if the company scholarship came through for her?
I mean, I’d feel awful if I launched into a mini-lecture about having manners when maybe everyone forgot, or the parents told the kid to say thank you or the kid thought the parents did…who knows, right?
Stuff happens. Assume positive intent?
@teahour, I have great sympathy with you, having just been burned and very hurt after being helpful in a similar situation. “No good deed goes unpunished” is not always a cliche.
Am I correct that there has not been even a verbal “Thank you” for making them aware of the situation and the help, and then again no verbal “thank you” after the scholarship was awarded? If so, that is simply inexcusable.
Having received the award, is the information on renewal requirements available to the family? It is ultimately their responsibility to act upon it, assuming it is communicated. If the info isn’t available, I (personally) would consider obtaining the requirements and mailing them off with no comment. No offer to help on completing forms, no further follow-up. I would do this more so that I didn’t have to feel any guilt, not because I necessarily felt they deserved my further involvement.
My perspective. Different dynamics, different personalities, different experiences give different answers. I would not take on the responsibility of teaching common courtesy to anyone. Although in this instance, I might be nasty and communicate to niece and parents that they are the only family not to have written Thank you notes to your employer’s scholarship committee. That could reflect on you also.
OP - please don’t use money as a weapon to hurt your niece. You are making this about yourself. This is about helping a young person get a college education. You’ve given her a wonderful gift which she doesn’t fully appreciate yet, but she will. Keep the focus on your niece and her future, and you will be rewarded with a loving relationship in the future.
Stuff happens, but this young woman has embarrassed you at work by not thanking the scholarship grantor. You did a kind act for this relative-no obligation to do any more. Presumably, scholarship funds are limited, and there are other worthy recipients.
Last spring i gave graduation gifts to some Seniors . Not a single one sent me a thank you card, email, call, FB message, instagram, etc. I was appalled , but what it taught me is that i need to make sure that my kids have the proper manners and do the proper thank yous. I also always thank people myself who help them. But you already probably knew that these relatives have no manners. What would irk me the most though is not the personal thank you, but not providing the thank you to your company. Do the people who distribute the award have any discretion in that regard. I would probably email/text/ the niece and say something like " I am so glad I was able to help get you money for this year. There is a way this could be renewable, and your chances for that would increase if you could at least write a thank you to my company. Then tell her that you will forward the necessary information. Dont even get the parents involved at this point, since you might be able to help the acorn, but the tree is long rooted.
Being kind to your niece (even when you don’t feel like it) is an admirable trait.
I appreciate a thank you when warranted. I notice when someone seems ungrateful. It doesn’t stop me from being helpful or generous. It’s actually a trait that I’m proud of.
Absolutely zero thank you or appreciation at any point before or after being informed, through app process, or after dispersal of the $10,000. They were sort of cynical at first, which I took to believe they thought they I was jerking their chain about the odds of winning.
That’s fair to conclude. But I suppose we figured the magnitude of this award — a free $10,000 certainly far exceeds any previous gesture — would elevate their etiquette, at least slightly. Overnight a middle income family went from having to write a $10,000 check to writing a $0 check for their eldest’s college.
The real problem is that it may have impacted your image at work since they were the only beneficiaries who did not thank the committee.
Maybe you can ask your church or your local high school for a deserving in need student to recommend.
Again, your anger is understandable.
If the $10,000 wasn’t appreciated by anyone in the family, what makes you convinced $30,000 more will? I’m not asking that in a snarky tone. If the family obliviously or maliciously acts ungrateful, as if the money fell from the sky or perhaps out of sheer disrespect, what would cause 3 adults to organically disrupt that viewpoint?
It seems clear that you’re angry about this perceived slight. I agree with the posters that say you should say something to either her or the parents about writing a thank you letter promptly and let them know the renewal process too.
What’s the alternative here? You don’t tell her about the renewal and she loses out on the scholarship for the next three years? Will you feel less bitter if that happens? Will that really make you feel better?
It isn’t about you at all. It’s about teaching your niece the proper etiquette and helping her along in her education. She needs to learn but not in the way you seem to be wanting her to learn. It’d be cruel.
I’m confused about why you posted this. You make it clear that you already know what you think. Other viewpoints are swatted down. Do you need validation?
OP needs to vent & to hear a kind word or two. She did something very nice for another in need & their response was to lease a new car & embarrass their benefactors at their place of work.
OP: Please find a student with more dire need whom you can assist.
@garland I’m looking for insights and different POVs. And those insights and POVs continue to flow in as I appraise this situation. And I think I’ve also been providing additional context as requested. Perhaps some will tell me to help them secure the extra $30,000, perhaps others will say you did enough with $10,000 and maybe it’s time the family get some skin in the game and pay for their expected family contribution instead of my company, and perhaps others have various other fresh ideas I haven’t thought of. I’m reading them all and very appreciative. Thank you all.
I am quite sure your niece has no idea she has hurt your feelings or committed a faux pas. She is the recipient and the one who should have thanked you and your employer, not her parents. She likely does not understand the value of this gift, but as I said earlier, she will when she matures. If you can give her another gift, the gift of time, she will grow up and realize what a amazing thing you did for her.
Do not assume your niece was raised to send thank you notes or is even aware that it is mandatory to do so to a committee or group that has given one something. I have given many gifts to millenials and only received a couple thank yous. I still give. Being that you all are family they may feel that you “know” they are thankful. In fact kids think that letters, notes and emails are old fashioned. I don’t agree obviously. If you are close with your niece, continue to help the niece. She will be thankful later in life