so that our grandson would not have to take out loans, we offered to pay his fee gap of about 8000 US per year. this is his second year. all of last year we never received one genuine thank you. we chalked it up to immaturity and felt one day he would grow up and appreciate it. but this year is more of the same. for example, last week he called my husband bloody murder that he had a balance of a couple hundred dollars in fees to the college (that posted after we paid tuition) … and wanted to know if we could help with books. we paid the college within 30 minutes. we then texted later that night just to say it was taken care of and we asked what classes he was taking. no response. this is typical.
would ending this arrangement be okay? I hate to say it but we feel used.
I would definitely end it, but that’s just my opinion (coming from a high school senior). I know if it were my parents they would’ve cut me off (paying for college by myself, anyways).
I would write him a letter explaining what you have said to us. Tell him that if he wants you to continue to help that you need regular updates and copies of his report cards. And that you expect to be treated civilly when he talks to you about it. Maybe give him one semester to shape up, and pull the plug if he does not comply.
I wouldn’t end it without explaining to him your expectations surrounding his gratitude. Has he ever been gracious, like with birthday or graduation presents? I mean, if he’s never been taught then why would we expect him to figure this out on his own? And if you’ve never expected gratitude before, that’s kind of on you, too. We teach people how to treat us.
Do I think he’s an ungrateful little twerp? Yeah. But if he’s been allowed to be that way up until now, then why would you expect more now? That said, it’s never too late to learn and to have this expectation going forward would be doing him a favor.
I don’t know if you provide other funds for him on a monthly or ad-hoc basis, or just the tuition. I’d give him some notice if there’s an immediate payment involved - “We’ll send you the October 1st allowance, but that will be our last…”, but let him know there won’t be any further payments of any kind. I somehow suspect telling him you expect him to behave differently to continue receiving funds will only result in what you stated - faux appreciation. Also it isn’t clear what your son or daughter’s role is in the current arrangement, and if s/he’s also supporting the kid, I’d drop a note there too so they’re not hit by a last minute surprise.
I would for sure end it. My parents are paying my tuition. I always thank them for what they’re doing for me, tell them what I’m doing in school (clubs, religious activities, grades, etc) and make sure that I’m making the best of the opportunity they’ve granted me, and making sure that they know I appreciate it.
No offense, but your grandson seems self-centered. A couple hundred bucks in fees, and he’s jumping down your throats? AND asking you to buy books? That’s ridiculous and self-centered (and also, that’s what summer jobs are for!)
End it. Tell him that it was a favor, and while you didn’t expect it to be reciprocated, you did expect basic respect.
I would let him and his parents know that while you were happy to be able to help him, you don’t feel like a participant in his education and therefore will not continue payments after this year. You’re right that this will bring about a lot of apologies and belated thanks, but that’s what you want, correct? You want to be thanked. Only you will be able to judge if the turn around is sincere or not and whether you will then continue the gift.
When I was in college, my grandfather would occasionally send me $10 or $20. He was living off social security and this was a big deal, to him and to me. I hope I was sufficiently grateful. In your grandson’s case, he may not be grateful or he may not have been taught as a child how to show appreciation for gifts. If you want to give him another chance to learn to show his gratitude, you can set up rules, like he must give you notice of when the fund are due, what they are for, a thank you anytime you pay his tuition or fees, a note or call about what he’s doing in school.
My daughter received an alum scholarship from her school. Each recipient is required to send a thank you note (through the FA office) to the alum or family of the alum thanking the alum for the gift. I think this is a great program as the alums actually know who gets their money and puts a personal touch on it. It also shows students that actual people are behind the money, not just a nameless face or bank account. Are some of them ungrateful? I’m sure they are, but if they don’t write the note, they don’t get them money. There is a hold on the funds until the FA office receives the thank you note.
Wow. What is your relationship with his parents like? Where do you think all this is coming from?
This is a trait that will not serve him well, and if you don’t address it somehow (and I’m not sure the best way to address it) you are not doing him any favors.
I have very mixed feelings about this. Some people, especially young men, are terrible about thanking anyone for anything. Did you promise to contribute this much to his education for all four years? Is this something you are providing to all your grandchildren? If so, I would advise some caution before attaching qualifications after the fact. Your grandson is guilty of boorish behavior, but if you have emphasized education as an absolute good that you are happy to underwrite, then I have to part company from the majority here when it comes to imposing conditions if your generosity was originally offered as a manifestation of unconditional love.
Sometimes the young and foolish need to be reminded to mind their manners. Heck, my own husband had to be pressured to write thank-you notes to his grandmothers for their very generous cash wedding gifts to us. He was thirty-five at the time.
I think you ought to mention it lovingly to the parents. They can read the boy the riot act, and remind him that entering the working world without a sizable debt load will be a gift that will go on giving.
I agree with asking for - regular updates of grades, and - a reminder that you’d appreciate being thanked.
However, cutting him off suddenly with no explanation, or an explanation after you’ve decided not to pay anymore, is rather harsh.
How will he make up the gap on his own? Most universities will not allow students to register for classes or sign up for housing until after all fees are paid.
Cutting him off, without giving him time to find an alternate source of funds, could put him behind on his track to graduating… or cause him to miss a class that may not come around again for a while.
I do agree he’s being ungrateful and rude to you. But - young people at this age are often self-absorbed, like it or not, and sometimes, even the best among them need to be reminded to be considerate of their family and elders…
It may be that he just feels that since you are his grandparents, and the arrangement has already been made to pay for the gap, then he doesn’t need to say anything else to you about it (Did he thank you before, when the arrangement was first made?)
I’d give him another chance to improve his manners and show his gratitude. Again, do mention to him that you are hurt (because that’s the underlying issue here, isn’t it? And I don’t blame you, 8k is a lot of money) that he failed to thank you, either in person or at least with an e-mail, note or phone call; and you deserve to know about his academic progress since you’re footing a good portion of the bill.
@nanadavis This is your grandson. You are helping him because he needs an education. If he needs to be taught to say “thank you,” then perhaps it is up to you to find a way to provide this lesson. I suspect he thinks of what you are doing for him as a family duty, not some kindness of a stranger.
There is nothing wrong with placing some “strings” on your gift. You might inform your grandson that a condition of this gift is that he consult with you on a set schedule. Even if he doesn’t thank you, he is likely to make you feel like part of the process.
I had a great-aunt who used to give my brothers and me money at Christmas. It may have only been $20 or so, but that was a lot of money for a kid in 1970. I don’t think we wrote her thank-you notes, and after a while the money quit coming. But I loved my great aunt dearly and I think I made it plain over the years. I have a few pieces of furniture that she gave my dad, which later gave to me, that are very dear to me.
Family is about loving one another. If the child needs to be taught some manners, by all means try to do so. And perhaps at some point the money should dry up, not out of pique, but out of a desire to help the grandchild. But this should be a last resort.
I loved my grandparents dearly. When I was a young teen we were allow to ride our mini-bikes in the street (it was a better era), and I would drop by my paternal grandmother’s house two or three times a week to see if she needed a few grocery items, which I would get and return with the bag balanced between my knees. It was just a joy for me to do this. I’m sure I was thanked, but I don’t remember it. I just did it because I loved my grandmother, and I would urge you to seek the same type of joy in helping your grandson.
So teach him a lesson without him suffering any consequences for his boorish behavior? Maybe if he had to take a semester off and get a job to earn money he may be more thoughtful in the future.
You are doing a wonderful thing for your grandson by helping him to graduate free of loans. Once he is out of college and has friends who have to make monthly payments, he’ll realize how many more choices he has due to your generosity. I’m assuming that you entered into this arrangement because you love him.
I would not cut him off.
What I would do is to tell him that you and your husband would like to come to campus one weekend. Give him a choice of two or three weekends that suit your schedule. Explain to him that this is an investment, and you’d like to see what you are investing in. You would like to see the campus, meet a few of his friends, and perhaps have lunch in the dining hall with him.
One of two things will likely happen. He’ll show you what he has been involved with, you’ll meet some cool people, and you will come away feeling good about your investment.
Or, he will be sullen, withdrawn and resentful. And because you love him, you’ll take this opportunity to ask him what he is really hoping to accomplish at college, and what he wants to do with this opportunity. He might not be ready yet to say, but at least you are there for him.
Even in the happiest families relationships are not always reciprocal. Sometimes it takes patience, and a little nudge.