Non-custodial help! Please!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Friends!
I understand that most of you will blame me for this question.
My boyfrend and me are expecting a child this summer.
He is having a son from his previous marriage, and he is filing the Profile next winter (after child will be born).
My BF is non-custodial parent. </p>

<p>Now, my question. If we marry, am I losing my shirt in order to pay for my BF' son eductaion?
please understand me, my BF will support his son through college by contributing $400 a month (he is doing this amount of support now). and that is pretty much it - no savings, no pension, nothing. </p>

<p>But I do have savings ($60K), which I hoped for downpayment, and my salary is twice bigger than my BF's salary.</p>

<p>PLEASE ADVICE what to do????</p>

<p>BF's son is a nice guy with very hight SAT, and I like him a lot, but his Mom (ex-wife of BF) is legal nightmare.</p>

<p>Shall I not marry?? what would be legal consequences for my own child? Me and my BF live togetehr of course...</p>

<p>PLEASE ADVICE!!!!</p>

2

<p>If your future septson's school uses the profile, they will want the ncp's information and by you being the spouse yoru information as well. How the information is used varies from school to school.</p>

<p>At some schools the information is used to the extent that your husband is "benefitting" from the marriage.</p>

<p>Other schools may look at your "household" income and assets as one big pot of money and charge and EFC accordingly.</p>

<p>Remember that financial aid is not based on what your husband wants to pay or what deals that he already has in his mind that he is going to pay. The $400 per month number will fly out of the window if the school deems based on the income and the assets of your household and combined incomes, you can pay more.</p>

3

<p>so, your comment -- do not marry, right? what if I am cohabiting? same thing? what of our child?
can my BF mention new child in Profile if we will not marry officially? Advice.....</p>

4

<p>He can mention the child because, presumably, he will be helping support it. If you don't want your resources to come into play for the potential stepchild, don't get married. You wouldn't have any obligation as an unmarried girlfriend, but neither would you have the rights/benefits of marriage.</p>

5

<p>OH no,</p>

<p>I am not telling you by any stretch of the imagination how to live your life and whether or not you should marry (you my dear will have to decide that one for yourself as I don't think that any faceless poster will tell you yea or nay).</p>

<p>If your husband can by all means mention that he has a newborn child, that he is taking care of however, it will not change his financial aid obligation to the one that is attending college.</p>

6

<p>I just want to clear up that there are three different questions at issue here:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>If you marry your boyfriend, will your savings or income increase his legal support obligations to his child from a previous marriage? I'm not a family law expert by any means (and you or your bf should probably talk to one), but I've helped people with this question and the official answer is pretty much "No." In fact, if your boyfriend has a legal obligation to support another child, that may reduce his legal support obligations to his first child, although other factors (more income, more needs) may wind up increasing it, net. Legal support obligations are generally subject to revision by the courts on a periodic basis. You should probably avoid things like joint checking accounts, though, or regularly paying all of the rent out of your own money.</p></li>
<li><p>If you marry your boyfriend, will your savings and income increase his first child's Expected Family Contribution for purposes of determining eligibility for college financial aid? This is a different question, although not totally unrelated to the first one. I think here the answer may generally be "Yes," though. And his need for more money may cause his father's support obligation to increase (or not to decrease as much) if you live in a state where the obligation to support a child continues through college.</p></li>
<li><p>As a practical matter, if you marry your boyfriend will some of your income and savings effectively go towards supporting his first child? Yes, but that is probably going to happen if you cohabitate without marriage, too. If you have more money and he has less, there is going to be a tendency for you to pay for things, freeing him up to keep on supporting his older child.</p></li>
</ol>

7

<p>Well, I would be asking myself this question right about now: "Do I really want to start a new life with a man who is only contributing $400 per month to the support of his very nice, high-potential son's college journey?"</p>

<p>Will your baby face similar support issues sown the road? How did your bf get into a situation where he has no savings, no pension, and a presumably less than optimal salary? </p>

<p>You have to consider both your future and that of your baby when deciding your next step. I know nothing about divorce/alimony/support requirements, but what happens to your savings or future financial obligations to the bf if you marry & then split up? Sounds as if a visit to a good lawyer is needed.</p>

8

<p>Cross post with JHS, who has much more knowledge to share on this matter than I....</p>

<p>Two different lines of questions arise: What is the legal obligation? But more importantly, (to me, at least, when choosing a husband) what is the MORAL obligation?</p>

9

<p>let's keep one thing separate form another,OK? </p>

<p>yes, my BF is contributing $400 every month (only some part of it goes officially), his son is staying with us every weekend and my BF is picking him up and bringing him back 100 miles every weekend. $400 is the contribution that he give to his ex-wife as an check. I hope you will not blame my BF for not supporting his child enough, as he is doing it. Also, his parents live in other country and can not help at all. My father died, my mother lives in other country as well.</p>

<p>please dont's ask stupid questions like why your BF salary is so low, or why we live in the expensive county. There are reasons for this, and the most reason is he spent 6 years babysitting his older son, than was kicked out of the house by his ex-wife. </p>

<p>But please understand me to. Shall we never buy house b/c of the previous marriage? ex-wife of my BF (divorced 10 years ago) has a nice house etc...</p>

<p>Please explain to me what was the point for me to save for downpayment for 4 years, if now I have to give this money out? Why my child should have no future? Again, my BF will contribute what he was contributing. I am worring about involuntary adding my income to his, so it will jeopardize whole situation, and will make his wife to sue (it is what she treatens)</p>

10

<p>I think your fears are probably well founded. Don't get married. I am not an expert on this stuff, but I believe that once you get married, your money is his money, and his money is her money. Therefore, your money will become her money, which you don't want.</p>

11

<p>You knew he had this other child before you got pregnant, right? If so, it surely had to cross your mind that he was obligated to support his child. Besides, college is only four years, so it's not forever.</p>

12

<p>I'm sorry if you didn't understand my previous post. I'll try to be more clear:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I don't think anyone is going to make you pay any of your money to his ex-wife.</p></li>
<li><p>What could very well happen is this: Your step-son gets less financial aid, and has to pay more to go to college. Your husband has to pay more child support to help cover the additional college cost (or has to pay the same child support, even though it might have been reduced otherwise because he is supporting a second child). Your husband has less money. So he contributes less to your family expenses, and you contribute more, and so you save less. But no one is going to order you to do that, and if you don't want to, you don't have to.</p></li>
<li><p>The one thing I would do is to keep records of your boyfriend's (or husband's) contribution to joint living expenses. If it looks like you are supporting him, or like he isn't really supporting your child, then that could help a judge decide to increase the amount of child support your boyfriend has to pay.</p></li>
</ol>

13

<p>yes, right. 4 years. And these four years include 4 years of my past savings and will be exact same years when we have to pay for my child daycare. Please understand me right. All current obligations will be honored. I just do not want these obligations to increase on behalf of my past accomplishements that have nothing to do with situation, in my opinion. </p>

<p>Also, I understand the Catch 22. If I had the house already, I will have no savings and mortgage, so Profile problem will be non-existing. Problem is, my 60K are not enough for downpayment+closings in our area. I need to accumulate at least another 30K.</p>

14

<p>I would suggest a list of pros and cons to help you decide what to do. And to help you figure out some of these pros and cons, you need legal advice from someone who understands the whole situation.</p>

15

<p>If you're asking what you would have to report on financial aid applications if you marry...well...if you marry, both your husband AND your income and assets will be reported on the FAFSA which is the financial aid ap used by all colleges primarily to determine need based aid using the federal methodology (for federal money usually). If you marry and the school requires the Profile (which you mentioned in your OP)...then again your income and assets, and your husband's will be reported AND the income and assets of the child's mother and her spouse if any. In addition all income and assets for the child are reported. Your income and assets will not be reported on these forms if you do not marry. Remember it is Expected FAMILY Contribution...and if you marry, you are a member of the family.</p>

16

<p>No one here can make your decisions for you. The standard marriage is for mutual support and (usually)the vows say "for richer or poorer". </p>

<p>"Please explain to me what was the point for me to save for downpayment for 4 years, if now I have to give this money out?" Sorry - but this really sounds like whining to me. You do not have to act like a helpless participant in this.</p>

<p>"Why my child should have no future?" OK - this seems like a good place for you to start? What is the right decision for you and you child? With BF or not?</p>

<p>Who else should be paying for your BF's children, if not he and the childrens'
mothers?</p>

17

<p>To JHS -</p>

<p>Your help is most welcome. I guess you understand situation better than other advisers. I certainly lack experience as I am non-US citizen (but I am perm resident). So, I am really appreaciating the help which covers lack of my experience. </p>

<p>Of course, I do not want to skew Profile, so my BF' son will get less financial aid.
I afraid being sued by BF' ex for increase of support. Yes, I am paying more for rent than by BF etc. So, one can say, I am "supporting" him.
What I do not understand I is your last phrase "If it looks like you are supporting him, or like he isn't really supporting your child, then that could help a judge decide to increase the amount of child support your boyfriend has to pay."</p>

<p>I am not going to sue my BF for more support (if it is what you mean), he is doing all support he can. He is NOT having any savings or hide anything. he will support our child, it is not a problem. Problem is: if all leftovers of his check money will be legally taken to support his older child, how he suppose to support our child?
And me, adding my balance to his, will make the situation even worse? Right? B/C financial college aid will decrease, his ex-wife got angry, we got sued. Right? </p>

<p>all this, if we marry offcially. If not - what will be our problems? we wait 2-4 years with marraige, buy house first, than Profile problem will be non existent. Right? But my child will be single mother child officially before that, right? </p>

<p>Sorry for my profanity with US Legal system. </p>

<p>I really appreciate advice</p>

18

<p>
[quote]
Problem is: if all leftovers of his check money will be legally taken to support his older child, how he suppose to support our child?

[/quote]
I see a different problem: Your bf, by not fully supporting his son, is pushing off that obligation on the rest of us. You & your bf want a house, but you don't want to pay for his son's education. How convenient for you! Imagine we all shirked our responsibilities & indulged our desires.</p>

19

<p>
[quote]
Problem is: if all leftovers of his check money will be legally taken to support his older child, how he suppose to support our child?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think this is a conversation that you and your BF needs to have as only he will be able to answer this question.</p>

<p>As long as his son is in college the college will look at his income and assets and your income and assets (should you get married) to determine his financial aid. Yes, you can spend down your money and purchase a house but the equity in that house wil be considered an asset.</p>

<p>If you do not get married which is your choice, then yes, you will have a child out of wedlock. You have to also weigh the pluses and minuses of this situation. </p>

<p>For example should something happen to your BF and you are not married, your child would not be eligible for social security disability of death benefits because social security does not recognize illigitimate children (which is what your child would be). </p>

<p>If something shoudl happen to you and you are not married, your BF would have to go to court and have himself estabilshed as your child's father and legal next of kin.</p>

<p>To recify this, you would have to take your BF to court and file an order of affiliation where he is legally recognized as the father of your child (signing the birth certificate is not considered proof of paternity with unmarried people). This way, should something happen to him, your child would have all of the legal rights and benefits as if you were married. However, even with this case, depending on where you live, the court may request or require that you also petition for child support payments (especially if there is a remote possibilty that you would be looking to collect some type of public assistance in the form or monies given as aid to dependent children or medical benefits).</p>

<p>Cross posting with SS and agreeing that there are larger issues at hand. </p>

<p>You knew going into this relationship that your BF had a child. I would be remiss to marry anyone who would not be willing to take my child in and understand that biology aside it is no longer his child but **our ** child. It is sounding like you are saying let someone else's parents (because that is where the grant and need based scholarship monies come from) pay for your BF's son because you need your money and your resources to take care or your child and not to help with his child, who will be the sibiling to your child. </p>

<p>Karma can be a strange thing because you never know this same child may have to take care of your child one day.</p>

20

<p>Sticker shock, that is so unfair to this women. I would have to guess you never went through the horrors of having to negotiate with an ex. It sounds like the bf of the OP has a low paying job and he does his best to support his son. He also cares for the child 2 out of 7 days each week. More than most divorced dads.</p>

<p>So along comes a new gf with some money. Not a huge amount. The woman wants a house to rise her child in. Sounds reasonable to me. There are different aid computations when a "family" has to maintain 2 households because it is a reasonable thing.</p>

<p>Don't marry him and don't worry about your child being "unofficial", his name will go on the birth certificate too. Buy your house ASAP. If the ex is smart, she knows going back to court for more support could backfire because of the new child. If your bf is really doing all he can for the child (and you should encourage him to) your money fairly should go to maintaining a decent lifestyle for the new family.</p>

<p>Hopefullly he'll do his best to pay half of the EFC, but just read here to understand many people can't and don't pay their EFC. Why should we as taxpayers want 3 parents to be included in financial aid when for the other half (non divorced folk) it's only 2</p>