Etiquette experts and wedding pros share five common pitfalls to keep in mind when hosting or attending a wedding.
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My D is getting married in September. She follows the r/weddingshaming subreddit and gets a laugh out of the posts with the āDressed Like a Brideā flair. Some of them are quite outrageous, as in āwhat were they thinking?ā
Relates to the recent CC thread on covering the plate:
<< Wedding gifts are an absolute must. But, if youāre of the belief that a present should cover the cost of your plate, itās time to change your outlook. āThe gift should be determined according to your financial ability, simply put,ā said Rosalinda Randall, an etiquette and civility expert in San Bruno, Calif.>>
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I never could understand the purpose of rehearsal dinner. Itās not Hollywood production. Why would you spend extra for something like that? My DS got married during Covid. It was a great time to have a small wedding. I find that some people donāt cover the cost of the plate because they are cheap, not because they canāt afford it. In this case itās just rude and taking advantage of others. His wifeās uncle gave $100 for 3 people and he has a good job. My DD and her boyfriend just attended the wedding of his friend and gave $100 each.
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I find comparing the cost/amount of a wedding gift to the amount it costs to feed the giver to be astonishingly rude. I canāt imagine how that idea ever got started but counting other peopleās money and feeling entitled to having a particular amount spent in return is never a good look.
Whatever happened to sharing the joy of the event with the friends and family you love? If you canāt afford the food and drink unless you get a comparable amount back in the form of gifts, then you need to scale back.
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Iāve participated in weddings where the religious ceremony is rather elaborate, and I think the rehearsal was simply so everyone had a comfort level with exactly who stood where, when to sit, stand, move over here, etc. That would be especially true for someone who was not familiar with the tradition.
I think the dinner afterwards is just a nice gesture from the hosts to thank everyone for their time and involvement.
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Plus everyone has to eat anyway. Itās nice to have plans in place for that - especially for out of town guests. Itās also nice for people to have another opportunity to visit with each other while they are in town and might not see each other very often normally.
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I just had a Catholic ceremony, not a Mass, was still an hour with all of the sitting, kneeling standing, and not all bridal party members were Catholic.
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My middle son too! His fiancee and her mother are doing practically all the prep - including him on discussions, but itās pretty much all theirs.
Otherwise, Iām looking forward to the rehearsal dinner. We had a blast at those with my other two when they got married. Itās a fun time to get together with everyone and just chat. No open bar though. Iām not fond of any part of a drunk wedding. If folks want to do that they can go out in their groups after the rehearsal dinner.
Yes - the drunk wedding. The year was 1992 - it was a wedding reception at a union hall in Philly, with water ice and soft pretzels at midnight. My uncle Jimmy (RIP) wanted the bridesmaid with red hair to sit in his lap - she was not amused and hit him with her shoe.
It was chaotic and messy with a lot of bad etiquette. And even though Iād be horrified if one of my kidās had such a wedding, it was honestly a lot of fun.
But the open bar can be a very very bad idea.
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Iāve been to only a handful of receptions without an open bar, either cash bar or wine on the table. Open bar is definitely the norm here, heck there are open bars for christenings, communions, confirmations, even first birthday parties. Itās usually not a drunk fest, its not a novelty.
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LOL, āCatholic calisthenicsā!
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Two of the nicest weddings I ever attended were those of close friends, both very different affairs.
One was small and intimate, maybe 40 people at most, just the coupleās familes and closest friends. It was held in the groomās parentsā small backyard, with a āmake your own sandwichā buffet, no music, and rented tables. The couple moved around individually, sitting for a while at each table, chatting with all their guests. It was lovely.
The other was in the groomās home country where most of the coupleās friends had to travel to attend (maybe 6-8 or so on each side). They were so thrilled that only one friend of each was unable to make it. Most of us turned it into a vacation and stayed for about a week. We paid our own airfare and hotel, but the groomās family was fairly well off, and sponsored several dinners/breakfasts, found a convenient inexpensive hotel for us, arranged sightseeing, and booked several days at a nearby resort where they got us the non-tourist rates. It was fantastic, and everyone had plenty of time to visit with those they already knew and get to know those they didnāt. I do think the couple was exhausted, though, because in most pictures I have of them they are zonked out in a beach chair!
Iām quite sure in neither case was the couple comparing any gifts they received to the financial means of the giverāif they even had a clue what it was.
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Would like to know the five points. Article is behind paywall.
Iād love to see an article on newlywed pitfalls. Seriously.
Whatās with newlyweds failing to thank people for their gifts? Iāve been to two in person weddings in the last ten years. Neither couple thanked us for gifts. Iāve sent presents to newlyweds whose weddings I havenāt been able to attend. No thank you of any kind. Btw, these are all relatives, but not super close.
Iām tired of being told I need to cover the cost of my plate, etcā¦ When I got married, we asked for no gifts. my mom told people that if they liked, cash was appreciated, but certainly was optional (for some of our party, it was a destination wedding.) We had everything we needed, and we couldnāt haul stuff overseas.
I sent a thank you to every single person who came, regardless of whether or not they gave us a thing. I was glad they made the effort to come. I think a lot of newlyweds now havenāt been taught to thank people and/or just expect a gift, no thank you needed. It really irks me.
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I think the ācover your plateā expectation needs to be thrown out the window when couples make ridiculously expensive choices. If they canāt cover it, they shouldnāt expect other people to. Here are my wedding rules: Throw the wedding you can afford. Give a gift you are comfortable with. Receive gifts gracefully. Donāt embarrass yourself (as either a bride/groom or guest). Thatās about it.
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Not sure why you couldnāt access; I had no problem. But in brief:
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Gift giving: forget ācover your plateā; donāt give above your means. Gift receiving: say thank you, in a card, email, text or phone call at least
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Family dynamics. Contributors disagreed on whether to feel obligated to ask family members to participate
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Financing the wedding: āToday, the reality is whoever has the money will pay for the wedding"
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RSVPs/additional guests: only back out if you give plenty of notice (so hosts donāt pay for unnecessary meals) or in case of serious emergency (death, hospitalization etc). Donāt assume you can bring someone unless invitation says āand guestā. Hosts: find out if someone close to you is in a serious relationship
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Guest attire: Donāt wear white. Donāt wear jeans/tee shirt.
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Iāve been to many different types of weddings. My group of friends had wedding receptions ranging from cake in the church basement to fancy country club weddings. I honestly never judged anyone - I was always just happy to share in their special day.
One of my bridesmaids was also in my BFFās wedding & got married a couple years after we did. Another unmarried friend was also in both weddings. She invited the unmarried friend to her wedding, but not my married friend or me. She told the invited friend that the wedding was too small to invite our husbands, so she decided not to invite us. That was her choice, although we would have happily come without our husbands. But the kicker was ā¦ she had the audacity to complain to the invited friend that we never gave her a present. Needless to say, we havenāt been in touch since.
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Wow. This seems really rude on your part, not the wifes uncles part. If you were expecting each guest to somehow pay their way, itās not the wifes uncles fault that your kid chose to have a wedding that cost more than $33/pp. If people wanted more of the wedding ācoveredā by guests, have a cheaper wedding. I make a good salary too, but itās not my job to subsidize the costs of weddings that I attend. Thatās very nice of him to give $100 for 3 people. And thatās very nice if your daughter and her boyfriend to give $200 for 2 people. These are gifts. Any gift received, of any value, is a bonus. Not a given. Just attending in the first place can be considered a gift. People took the time out of their day to come to the event. Be happy he came. Thank him for his gift and his time.
Gifts should not be based on the ācostā of the venue or how much money someone makes.
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If youāve already read your max free articles on NY Times, itās behind a paywall.
Hereās the article gifted from my account so anyone should be able to read it:
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