We were fortunate that my older two lads married gals whose parents didn’t want alcohol involved with the wedding at all - quite inexpensive without it - and everyone involved still seemed to have a lot of fun.
With this one (bride is Catholic), there will be alcohol, but not an open bar at the reception (from what I’ve heard). We’re ok paying for a rehearsal dinner with one alcoholic drink per person, but we’re not going to pay for more. I see no need TBH. We prefer to toss more into the Honeymoon account for my son/future DIL.
When I have family and friends over to my place I would provide food and drinks, therefore I would do the same for the guests at my kid’s wedding. I would rather invite fewer people than not have food they would eat or drink. It’s a lot of effort for people to attend a wedding, I think it is nice to have abundant of food and drinks for the guests.
That’s my pet peeve about a wedding.
There is nothing wrong in having a simple wedding with tea and cake at a church, but I would limit it to local family and friends. When people fly cross country or drive hundreds of miles, they deserve a meal with drinks, wedding or no wedding.
The tea & cake weddings I attended were people who let everyone know what was up. People were free to choose not to come, and I can’t imagine anyone held it against them.
I’m glad my oldest is already married without having to deal with your expectations! People came from a long way away to celebrate him and his wife tying the knot. They didn’t fly/drive oodles of miles for a meal!
If the wedding is a type of “destination” wedding, then I think it comes with higher expectations of what the hosts will provide. Especially if it involves going to a location that is extra expensive to get to and to stay at. For example, my nephew is getting married in July in Banff. For my 26 year old D (the groom’s cousin), it’s costing a small fortune for D and her fiance to fly from the East Coast to Calgary, rent a car (during the Calgary Stampede) and stay in the hotel for 3 nights. In recognition of this, my brother and SIL are hosting a “welcome dinner” instead of a rehearsal dinner and inviting all the out of town guests (which is probably the majority). The welcome dinner is pizza and beer at a bowling alley, by the way. I’m definitely anticipating an open bar or wine at the table for the wedding reception. And Sunday morning they’ll host a farewell breakfast buffet.
In my cultural, it just wouldn’t be hospitable not to offer food and drinks to our guests. I am sure people don’t come all that way for a meal, but it’s really the least we could do when they do make the effort.
I think that’s a big issue, our country is so geographically vast that different cultures have different accepted traditions, going back decades, I think most are probably aware of what is considered normal in their circles. Here the biggest worry of hosts is to run out of food/drink, in other areas it’s not a big deal. I’ve heard of, but never experienced, cake in the church basement, dollar dances, cookie tables, no alcohol, gifts at weddings, but I’ve heard about them and see nothing wrong with them. Heck I wanted an outdoor ceremony at our reception venue, beautiful gardens, but it would’ve been a problem with our families so not worth it to us.
We eloped. No engagement ring, no party, no hassle. I wouldn’t be disappointed if my kids did the same. We sent our families postcards from our honeymoon, letting them know we were married.
My MIL was upset because she had gone to the weddings of her friends children and given gifts and here we were not giving them the opportunity reciprocate. She got over it.
Our (my) plan is to write a check and let my kids/their spouses decide on the wedding and stay out of the planning. My dear wife may have different plans though.
Our grooms family wanted to have the rehearsal dinner…which was a very nice casual dinner at a local Italian place. It was their chance to host something that weekend where both families could get together and the bridal party too. We all had a really good time!
I should add…in addition to the wedding reception, we also hosted a welcome party for all out of town guests, and a breakfast the morning after the wedding for anyone who wanted to come. We had family and friends who traveled from all over the place (including internationally) and we wanted everyone to not have to scurry around looking for places to eat. Plus, it was fun planning these as well.
Things do vary by culture. And there’s a difference between what you feel you should do as a host versus expecting (demanding?) something as a guest (not saying you’re doing the latter). As others have mentioned, it’s virtually guaranteed that you’ll know in advance what type of wedding reception it’s going to be–if not, you can always ask-- and you’re free to decide if you want to attend.
But I agree with those who go to a wedding, or invite guests to theirs, because they want to share one of the most important events of our lives. It wouldn’t matter to me how simple or extravagant the event. If it were my best friend, I’d absolutely fly cross country for tea and cake in the basement, provided I had the means.
One of my good friends did this. Ironically, she and her husband-to-be were in a position to host a lavish wedding if they had wanted to. They were both late 30s, well established in high paying careers, already owned their own houses, etc. My friend simply thought it was a waste of money. (She has two young adult daughters, one probably close to marriage, so I’m not sure if she still feels the same.)
Well, we’re in the midst of this right now. As the groom’s parents, we’re hosting the rehearsal dinner at the pizza place where our son and his fiancé met, just pizza and beer for 15. We gave them an amount from us to spend on the wedding however they wish (definitely would not cover an open bar), the rest is up to them.
As I posted on another wedding thread (from a guest perspective), what the gala costs is not my concern. I would hope that the couple is more delighted by their guests’ presence than presents. IMO, it is perfectly acceptable to simply give a card and well wishes regardless of how simple or lavish the celebration. A wedding is not a pay-to-play event.
Well said. I’m not sure when the definition of “gift” morphed into “requirement”, let alone “expectation with a value attached”. And this applies to more than just weddings.
To be honest, I had never heard of the “cover your plate” concept until I read it here; I had to look it up. Frankly I find it appalling.
My SIL is from a culture that has huge, extravagant weddings (he & D had a relatively small wedding, by choice). People are not sent invitations, nor are they asked to RSVP in advance. There are a couple country clubs in the area that handle these weddings. People give very large monetary gifts, and the bride’s/groom’s parents are expected to reciprocate when they are invited to the weddings of people who attended their child’s wedding. The parents of the groom host/pay for the wedding (SIL’s parents actually paid for half the reception, at their insistence). My SIL laid down the law to his mom … he allowed her to invite her friends sans formal invitation, but he told her that he needed a final count before the caterer’s cut off date. And he told her that no one could come with more people in their party than he & D agreed that they could bring. His mom was great - she took care of things & all went smoothly. The guests they invited had a wonderful time. But … his mom insisted on knowing how much each of her guests gave.
There was food - finger foods - and non-alcoholic drinks like tea, water, and lemonade - probably coffee too.
What was important was none of that though. It was the wedding and camaraderie. None of it was planned by H or I, but we thoroughly enjoyed it AND I prefer that type to the larger, more expensive weddings TBH. Wedding was in a church, reception too.
Ditto for youngest, but different church/state and they had a catered buffet line for food (no alcoholic drinks). It was still all planned by DIL’s family and as far as I could tell, everyone had a great time.
Middle son’s will be more of a typical wedding at a venue with some sort of dinner and alcohol served. I expect to be just as happy, but not because of the food or venue.
With all three, we pay for the Honeymoon and rehearsal dinner, plus we’ve also kicked in for lodging costs for my side of the family who traveled to the weddings. For youngest we sent some to her parents because they opted to get married here in our neck of the woods instead of CA (where she lived prior to college). More of their friends were here since she went to Georgetown. Having it here saved those folks (and us) from having to travel, so our check went to assist with that.
Middle son is marrying someone local to where he lives and none of my family members need to travel far either (except for Puerto Rico boy), so travel costs aren’t really a concern.
When we go to weddings I really don’t judge all the “extras,” I’m just sharing the joy of the couple. I hope they’re doing what they want - from eloping to destination wedding.
D1 had her wedding at her alma mater where people had to travel a long way to get to. We entertained them for 4 days - wine tasting, welcome party, rehearsal dinner, brunch, etc. She had 200 people.
D2 will most likely get married in NYC or Hudson Valley. It most likely will be around 100 and fewer events. Oh, she is not engaged yet. I am just planning ahead.
