re: investing in children. “But weren’t these behavior codes once fairly common across the whole American SES spectrum?”
No. Not now. Not then.
My father was raised on a farm on an Native American allotment (see the Dawes Act for historical information.) He was involved in 4-H, which was and is funded by the feds. He said one of the reasons 4-H existed was simply to teach rural kids how to bathe and use soap and water. He grew up without electricity, central plumbing, hot water.
He ran around rural Oklahoma by himself, no supervision. His father, as a child, used to run away from home (abusive stepfather) and camp out in the Cookson Hills with the outlaws in Indian Territory.
I don’t know what my grandfather thought was “abuse” bad enough to make him leave home and sleep under the stars. I know he belted his own kids. Everybody did. My grandmother had the children cut switches from the peach tree orchard and then she beat them on the bare legs with them. Children were paddled at school, church, and by the neighbors. Yes, you could beat your neighbors’ kids, and were expected too.
My dad used a belt on his own children (yep, including me.) So did everyone I knew. (And no, I am not advocating corporal punishment. I lived in Texas, where the public schools can physically hit your children EVEN IF you as a parent do not wish them to do so. I just want people on CC to recognize that it is a thing.)
In contrast, my mother grew up on the East Coast. Gangs of kids roamed the city streets playing stickball. They used to dam up the Lackawanna River to form a lake. The police came along with explosives to blow up the dam. Great fun.
Oh, by the way? None of the kids could swim.
I had a free range childhood myself in suburbia. You didn’t wear shoes in the summer, you always went barefoot. It was baby boom times, so lots of construction. We used to play on construction sites as kids. Barefoot. Even kid I knew stepped on construction nails. My twin sister got a fishhook embedded in her foot. My grandfather got out his wirecutters and calmly clipped it out. We kids used to open up Black Cat firecrackers and pour out the gunpowder. We used cigarettes as punks to light the gunpowder (we were in third grade and stole them from our parents.) I had gunpowder residue on my hand which caught on fire. I had second and third degree burns. Did I tell my mother, a nurse? Hell no. I didn’t want to get in trouble.
We would routinely climb and fall out of trees We would climb chain link fencing and barbed wire and get ripped up. You just didn’t bother your parents with this kind of stuff. It was part of being a kid.
My sister and brother and I played Frisbee in the backyard. We were using a piece of tin. My sister sailed it at my brother but she had bad aim. She sliced his leg out. My mom and dad sewed it back up. My dad grew up on a farm and so used to sew up the injured animals, plus he was a Naval officer in WW2 and sewed at sea.
My sister and I used to play in storm sewers and explore the tunnels. No supervision whatsoever.
One day, school was cancelled due to a freak snowstorm. We siblings had a snowball fight. I got hit in the head which caused massive bleeding. My mom drove me to the hospital to get it stitched up, while my dad freaked and beat my brother with a belt for causing it (it wasn’t intentional.)
Remember watching “Mad Men” where the ten-year olds knew how to take drink orders and mix a scotch on the rocks or a Tom Collins, Bloody Mary or Whiskey Sour? That’s not fiction.
Yeah, but that’s all in the past, you say?
OK. How about this?
My children have always attended Title 1 schools where the majority of children were on Federal Free Lunch. That included a selective charter school that was a public Montessori and fine arts magnet, an International Baccaleaurate school, and a selective Early College High School. At the latter, you apply and get in in eighth grade, start taking college classes in ninth grade. In twelve grade, you graduate with an associate’s degree two weeks before you graduate from high school.
Many of the children at the Early College High School were from an upper-income master planned community. They wanted their children at University of Texas or Texas A&M. They weren’t going to qualify for the 10% rule or for financial aid, so early college high schools were a workaround. Your child gets an associates and guaranteed transfers in to the state flagships without a problem. The state has paid for two years of your children’s college education: tuition, fees, books, everything. No dorm fees because they are living at home.
Upper income families were pushing their kids into this program in preference to AP or IB. Thank you, State of Texas, for paying for my upper income child’s education.
Here’s the story of two freshman girls at that school who were best friends. My daughter came home from school one day and opened the apartment door. Flames shot out. The place was totalled and her cat died. For the next eight weeks, we slept on the floor because we did not have beds. My daughter had the clothes on her back. Neighbors brought her clothes. They didn’t even speak English.
She didn’t share her troubles with her teachers or her best friend. The teachers were clueless, because they are college-educated and live in master-planned community.
She felt the best friend had worse troubles than she did. Her bestie was cutting since she worried her mother would be deported. Her parents never, never, showed up at school. The mother couldn’t leave the house (sin papeles) and her dad worked nights. I think domestic abuse was involved, too.
I’m sorry, you guys living in an effing bubble.