Obliterate my CA essay please!

Hello! I’ve started writing my common app essay and I’m not too sure what to think of it at this point. I’ve made a couple of revisions and I’d like to know if I’ve made any progress in the right direction. If anyone is willing to critique it or offer some advice I’m all ears! Thanks and I’d appreciate any help :slight_smile:

Please do this IRL with someone you actually know, not with anonymous online users of this board.