<p>So. The options are in. All are good choices (basically local day vs. far-away boarding school).</p>
<p>I am having trouble counselling my child on deciding which option she should choose for the main reason that I am panicking about her going away. There, I said it. I don't want her to go away. BUT, I don't want her to miss out on the boarding school experience -- something that very much made me who I am today. </p>
<p>Oh, did I mention: she is an only child. One who would truly benefit from going to a small, nurturing, challenging school. I know that.</p>
<p>So, I thought I would see how my CC friends handle the panic. And the loneliness. And the jealousy when you see your friends out and about with their children while yours is not due home for another 6 weeks. </p>
<p>I am trying to be totally impartial when I discuss the choice she is faced with. But, in my heart I know I can make the outcome however I want.... so how do I eliminate my panic from the equation?</p>
<p>Aaargh. This is so much harder now that we have choices. It was all so easy when we were waiting for the acceptance/rejection letter.......</p>
<p>London, do what parents like us have done over and over, when push comes to shove…focus on what is best for the child. You will be ok if she is ok.</p>
<p>For what it is worth, we are glad ours is at boarding school. In retrospect, there is no contest. But I don’t know what is best for yours.</p>
<p>London, I guess I can understand how you feel. My daughter left us for college and I somehow felt similar. Now its time for my little one who is going away for BS. </p>
<p>I beieve that my son will learn how to be more self reliant and independent amidst many trail and error. I am trying to get relief thinking that way. I hope you remain confident and positive about BS and let her go her way.</p>
<p>My daughter isn’t at boarding school but she wants to apply. We don’t come from a BS family but I’ve told myself that BS will give her countless opportunities. I also told myself that as much as I will miss her, I cannot be selfish…this is about her education…her future. With today’s technology, you can FaceTime, iChat, text, etc. I know it’s hard…it was hard the first time I allowed her to go away to camp for 6wks.The home was quiet, I thought of her daily but when I read her letters and saw pics posted online ever few days, I knew I made the right choice…she was happy. </p>
<p>Just imagine how special her visits home will be!</p>
<p>I understand your conflict. I too went away to boarding school and swore to myself that my kids would stay home for high school. Now it turns out that my second is heading off next fall and while I know for sure that it is the right thing for him, it hurts inside. I am a single parent with an empty nest (other child away at college) so this means being alone, not catching up with my friends on the sidelines at games, at school meetings, etc. But try to remind myself that he would be going away in three years anyway and that he needs the BS environment at this point. It is a hard one though!!</p>
<p>On the other side of the coin, my son is a day student. I am really glad he is home. For us personally we just thought 14, (even though he is a very mature 14), was too young to move away. He only applied to one school where he would’ve had to board. We are very happy he got in to the schools he could live at home from. He will be gone soon enough (to college) we and he wanted his last few years at home.</p>
<p>For us as a family, we wouldn’t miss this time with him. Seeing his boarder friends, (we have adopted a few), miss their families so much and have such difficulty adjusting, especially when they get sick or just generally have a bad day, we know we made the right decision. It breaks my heart to see those kids have such a tough time. At the end of the day, they are still very young.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone. I was obviously having a late night panic attack! LOL I know she is the sort of kid to gain maximum benefit from going away. I would never stand in the way of that. I have left the decision up to her. Really. I have. </p>
<p>I haven’t told her any of my feelings other than to reassure her (when asked) that we would indeed miss her while she is away. </p>
<p>To be honest, I also think that teenagers, in particular, benefit from “the one set of rules, everybody follows” aspect of boarding school. The whole drama surrounding friends being allowed differnt freedoms goes away. And they can focus on the rest of what matters. </p>
<p>NHMomof3: I can totally understand where you are coming from. In our case, although I loved boarding school, I never thought my own kid would go away. SHE is the one who brought it up, and she is the one who wants to go. So, although I guarantee there will be moments of homesickness, and sadness to be on her own when she has “real” sickness, I think she will on the whole be one of the better adjusted kids…</p>
<p>I suspect that once she goes away, my life WILL change. But it will be up to me to decide HOW it changes. </p>
<p>See! I am feeling better already. Thank you, CC, for my therapy session!</p>
<p>Good for you @london. I am glad that you have let her be your guide. It sounds like she reallly has it together and though you know there will be trying times, she will be lucky and grateful for your support. </p>
<p>Good luck to her and you and I wish you all the best.</p>
<p>London, you mentioned that your daughter is an only child. Every kid is different, of course, but I can’t tell you how great it was for me as an only child to go away to boarding school. I’d always wanted siblings, and felt that without them I was missing out on having that kind of relationship. While the friendships you make at boarding school aren’t quite the same as having siblings, it’s very different (and much richer and more rewarding) than the friendships you have at home. I didn’t feel like I lost any of the relationship I had with my family (and this was long before email, texting, Skype, etc), just that I added a whole new dimension to my world. Let her go, I guarantee you’ll be amazed at how she grows.</p>
<p>Soxmom: i suspect you are right. She is at her best with the friends here who have 4-6 kids in a family. She LOVES being absorbed “into the collective”… I think the delay in a decision is mostly due to her worrying about the finality of it all… and added to it, the knowlegde that this is a very expensive proposition for the family. Money well spent if she works to her full potential. I am glad she is even considering the effect on us… she told me she was worried about ME the other day… if she went away. Cute! I will say that we argue all the time (she is a teenage girl and very indpendent) so I look forward to our interactions being about bigger things than cleaning her room! I think that aspect is part of the appeal for her as well, even if she doesn’t realize that!</p>
<p>Thanks again, everyone. I am feeling much much better about it all. We are off to re-visit day in April, so I think just having time “in place” will make us all feel more excited.</p>
<p>I am a boarding school alum. And yet I hid that fact from my kid because I couldn’t bear the thought of her going away. She stumbled on an alumni magazine and began researching in private. And when she was accepted, I realized how my going to boarding school probably hurt my mother (we were close). But you know what - we grew closer because of that experience and when a sibling entered the school that meant two out of the house.</p>
<p>I won’t kid you - the transition is tough. But when you Skype and hear that first giggle, or the dorm mates coming in to raid her drawer for snacks, or ask if she want to go on a run to the gym, or to town to pick up food, or… It is glorious. My D panned the laptop around so I could see how she finished decorating her room, and then recently took her iPad with her to class so we could feel included for parent day (the first one we had to miss in three years). I talk to her more now then when she was at home.</p>
<p>And - warning - the first few months are tough, there may be tears as your daughter adjusts to the new academic environment and hunts for friends. It’s normal. Resist the urge to say “come home.” Eat comfort food, etc. Then encourage her to stay in touch with her friends at home after she makes the adjustmentl</p>
<p>We look back and realize the time flew by quickly. She attended school sponsored trips abroad, has had opportunities not available here at home, and has friends from all over the world. Her entire worldview has become so global.</p>
<p>A lot of parents here going through the adjustment, especially single parents. And this is a new thing for my husband. He had no knowledge of Boarding schools until he visited with me while I was doing college interviews. Even then, it was quite a leap to let his baby girl go away. But yes - my daughter’s full potential unveiled itself at boarding school when she was exposed to ten times more options than her local school. And he is thrilled and actually looking forward to watching her blossom in college. We’re here if you need a shoulder to lead on. Congratulations!</p>
<p>Thanks, Exie! I do realize I am not alone. But, it is still nice to read actual stories of other experiences. It is funny how I had an absolute blast at boarding school, and credit that choice with making me the person I am today, and yet I was still reluctant to have my daughter experience that ! LOL </p>
<p>I think where I went wrong was taking her to my 30th reunion and staying in the dorms with her. She was hooked from the first minute. I let her wander all over campus by herself, and within about 15 minutes she was outside playing basketball with a houseparent’s son. Clearly, she can settle in quickly. HAHA.</p>
<p>That does not mean I don’t expect tears and panic along the way. And that is just from me! LOL Seriously, I think her going away would be the right choice. She is making her decision, but I am pretty sure it will be boarding school. We went to Freshman conferences at the day school last night. She was excited to see she had been placed in Honors classes, but still felt like going away was the right choice. </p>
<p>If we lived in New England where many kids go away, she would have already decided. It is hard to be the only one in your school who has EVER gone to boarding school. But, she is a contrary sort, and thrives on being the “different” one.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice and kind words. I am truly grateful for the CC community. Such a terrific support network. It is nice to know I don’t have to “go it alone”.</p>
<p>London203 - I miss my daughter every single day, but I never for a moment wish that she had chosen day school instead of boarding. It’s similar to what Exie said - when I see the happiness on her face in the photos, or hear her talking about her classes with such maturity and intellectual curiosity, I feel so glad for her to be in a place that’s so right for her.</p>
<p>Another thing is, no matter how much I miss her, I don’t feel at all jealous when I see my friends with their kids around town. In the first place, they are rarely with their kids! They all talk about how little they see their kids now that they’re in high school. And when I do see them with their kids there’s usually a lot of sullen eye-rolling going on (literally or figuratively). What my friends also talk about is the ongoing negotiation about the who, what, where, why, and when of their kids’ social lives. We have so much less of that tension in our relationship with DD and it makes for a much smoother relationship.</p>
<p>One thing I do miss is my daughter’s friends themselves. Some of her friends at home are really terrific kids. Our house is the one where people always hung out (I think they liked the food I bought) and I miss that. I talk to D almost every day, but I miss her friends!</p>
<p>friendlymom: someone here was just telling me yesterday, that the “not seeing them” aspect needed to be thrown out, because they never see their kids either and they did NOT go away. LOL I also dreaded the constant negotiation and objections to every rule… because “so-and-so’s parent doesn’t do that” … </p>
<p>On an unrelated note: my daughter is very smart, but incredibly disorganized which in turn affects her final grades…I do have to say I worry about her ability to keep it all together academically. The social part will not be an issue. LOL I am thinking that IF I can manage to accept a term or two of sub-par grades, she will hit upon a system that works and all will be fine. She can’t be the only kid to go away, and not be great at keeping track of her academics… but I do worry that she will be at a disadvantage if she doesn’t ramp up quickly…</p>
<p>Enough worrying. I am ordering her a sweatshirt from the boarding school right now. So she can wear it around with a bit of pride – this was actually a concern of hers. “All of my friends will be wearing their “day school” wear for the rest of 8th grade.” Problem solved. LOL</p>
<p>I think we all worry about how our kids will handle the academics of boarding school, for different reasons. In our case it was that my D’s school didn’t give grades and wasn’t big on tests (she had never taken finals, for example), so we didn’t know how things would go in a more traditional system. </p>
<p>Does your D’s school have study hall or a designated study time? That could be a big help. Once you know who her advisor is this would be a good topic to raise with that person.</p>
<p>I hope she enjoys the sweatshirt! My D wore either her 8th grade class sweatshirt or her boarding school sweatshirt all spring last year. Now the boarding school sweatshirt is on long-term loan to a friend because it’s much cooler to wear something more customized (like a team jacket) - and the friend is also cool wearing a sweatshirt from someone else’s school.</p>
<p>There is a great t-shirt/sweatshirt exchange system at the schools. I’ve seen t-shirts & sweatshirts disappear, to be replaced by clothing from far-away schools. “Oh, yeah, so-and-so’s friend got it from her boyfriend, but then they broke up, so she didn’t want it anymore, so I took it.”</p>
<p>Boarding does broaden kids’ horizons. Working, studying abroad, visiting friends in foreign countries, etc. is not intimidating to them, because they see friends do it all the time.</p>
<p>london203, on the concern of starting BS and academics, I found out something interesting speaking with an academic adviser for freshmen at one of the schools we looked at. The first semester there are no grades, just credit given, so that new students have time to acclimate and not worry about a low grade ruining their transcript. I don’t know how common that is among schools, but I got the impression that schools know that incoming 9th graders need a little closer supervision and grow more independent each year.</p>
<p>@london203 - My daughter is also bright and highly disorganized - manages to misplace papers and forget deadlines. One of the reasons I originally brought up the idea of boarding school was that I was afraid I would be micromanaging her life through HS and she would go off to college and flounder. I want her to develop those skills now, independent of me, and not sink or swim at college. It’s truly frightening to look at the current college graduation rates. I’m not so concerned where she goes to college but that she be prepared to live and study independently and successfully.</p>
<p>While she’s far from perfect, I’m very impressed with how she’s handled the work to date.</p>
<p>Momof7thgrader: interestingly enough I mentioned this concern to my daughter and she told me that “obviously” she would be more organized BECAUSE I am not there! maybe these kids are smarter than we think! </p>
<p>For what it is worth, I have asked the school about support, either ongoing or on an ad hoc basis. They have quite a few options in place for the kids to get help, but they do need to be somewhat proactive about requesting it. I have explained to my daughter the possibilities and made sure she understands it will be up to her to seek help. You are right about learning the skills now (high school). </p>
<p>And, as I have mentioned, it can’t hurt that everyone has the same rules and expectations AND there is mandatory study hall for 2 hours every night!</p>
She was hooked from the first minute. I let her wander all over campus by herself, and within about 15 minutes she was outside playing basketball with a houseparent’s son. Clearly, she can settle in quickly. HAHA.</p>