One Trimester Later: An Update From A Certain Knox College Freshman

Parents Forum
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<p>ec, glad to hear that you did well academically this term, but sorry about the social aspect. So, I’d take a look at what you’ve learned thus far about the social environment, and what might be a better fit?
I think larger for one - small schools can be cliquey, and it’s harder to “redeem oneself” when there’s been a problem like the one you’ve experienced.</p>

<p>One in a larger town? More accessible to get out and about?</p>

<p>New College would be very different, and I have a hunch that you’d like it better, but it IS very small.</p>

<p>What was it about Clark that took it off your list? Of the schools on your list last year, that one seemed to me to be the one that fit what you were looking for the most…</p>

<p>But definitely try and find your niche where you are now as well - get involved in activities on campus - you only need to find one where you find your place.</p>

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<p>So you consider your classmates “nerds, potheads/hipsters, and athletes/jocks,” and aren’t shy about telling them so, and you’re surprised that you’re not a popular guy? </p>

<p>I’d suggest you pull in your horns, bear down the rest of the year, and then transfer somewhere. And, as another poster suggested, get some counseling.</p>

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<p>Not to be mean…but is it possible that you really enjoy the search process more than actually going to college? Some people thrive on upheaval and change and become bored with the status quo. Does this sound like you, EC?</p>

<p>Have you ever felt content with your life situation, or are you always looking for something better? These are questions you may want to ponder before you go through the trouble of transferring. Life will never be perfect. That is just the nature of being a human. Maybe you just need to realize that life is messy. And get on with it…</p>

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<p>You see. I just want to fit in. I’ve never felt like I’ve fit in anywhere. Maybe it’s just me, but I just want to be happy for once. I don’t fit into any “group”. I’m not preppy, athletic, a geek, hippie, etc. I’m just me. I’ve acted all my life, but have never fit in with the drama kids. A lot of my friends are nothing like me though, so I know I can make friends with pretty much anyone. The whole smoking and getting drunk every weekend just isn’t that appealing to me. </p>

<p>I do agree with you. Small schools are cliquey, so if I do transfer to another small LAC, I may encounter the same problems re: gossip and drama especially at a school the size of New College which is even smaller than Knox. But I guess the drama doesn’t bother me that much because I can see myself working for People Magazine or Extra lol. </p>

<p>I definitely would want to go somewhere more urban or suburban specifically the Northeast, Florida, or California. I have always thought I have a New York persona to myself, my dad tells me all the time. My whole family is from New York. </p>

<p>You see. I went on a huge college road trip after all my acceptances/financial aid packages came in, and I visited six colleges. We drove from GA to IL to IN to OH to PA to MA and back to GA. MA was the last stop, so we visited Clark and Wheaton the same day. I visited the other schools just one day at a time. I felt like I didn’t have enough time at either especially Clark. I basically took a tour at Clark and then sat in a Shakespeare class (which I hated) and left because I had to make it to my next visit which was an hour away.</p>

<p>I never really had a chance to talk to too many students, but Worcester was a turn off. I always thought I wanted an urban campus, but it just didn’t seem very close knit and as cozy as some of the others. However, Clark did give free master degrees for a fifth year (but transfer students only get a discount). Clark was my first choice before I visited. </p>

<p>Wheaton was beautiful. The architect of Wheaton’s campus also built Central Park. Wheaton was around 3k more than Knox though, but I also liked the 3-3 calendar/trimester system better. I picked Knox because of the academics. I would have picked Wheaton if it was based on location and beauty. </p>

<p>At Knox, the class seemed the most intellectual. I thought I would fit in more with the people there. The class had more participation as well, but maybe it was just because of the type of class. I actually ended up taking the class I sat in at Knox this term. Knox is really intellectual though, and I was surprised how many people participate in class. However, if you compare the sociology class that I sat in, way more people participated that day than my class ever did. My gender class is the one that I loved most because of the kids in it.</p>

<p>When I called my classmates those stereotypes, that’s all they were. I’m not saying everyone is. I don’t go around telling everyone that, but people have told ME that as well. The reason I’m not Mr.Popular is because of the facebook group, but it has gotten better. A lot of people do want to get to know the real me. And I will say that I have isolated myself some because of the whole suit-mate drama. </p>

<p>I loved the search process familyof3boys. I researched since 8th grade for hours, days, weeks, months, and years. I probably would have gotten better grades freshman year in hs if it wasn’t for that. But now I’m kind of dreading doing it all over again. I actually don’t really like change. I was ready to leave Georgia and go to college, but it was scary and new. I only had one friend from high school who went out of state. Everyone else went instate to a state school with their friends. I had no one. My other friend who goes to Roanoke agrees with me, we had it harder. I don’t feel content with my life. I feel unhappy that I researched all these years, and it isn’t a good fit. I NEVER expected to have troubles with the social life because I am very sociable. I was way more concerned with the academics.</p>

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<p>If you are more concerned with academics (as well you should be) then you have done a great job, right? Friendships take time to grow. Work on making yourself into the best you possible, concentrate on your classes, and I’ll bet you find your people.</p>

<p>Give it some more time. Maybe be a little more in the background, and you may find yourself in a happier place. I wish you peace and happiness, EC .</p>

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<p>I agree. I am so proud of myself. I know students in the reverse situation (bad grades, great social life), and I wouldn’t switch situations. I know so many Knoxies who hated Knox their freshman year/fall term. So, it can change. I wonder if it is too soon to think about transferring. I’ve only been there two and a half months, most freshman will be at college doubled that by the time they come home for break. My problem is knowing when to say goodbye. Yes, I can stay the whole year and then realize it isn’t for me. So, in a sense transfer applications is a safe bet, but at the same time, am I playing it safe by trying to get out, when I just got there?</p>

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<p>Everywhere you go in life there will be different kinds of people with different personalities, interests, life histories, ways of dealing inter-personally and with issues. Some people seem to make friends easily and spontaneously, for other people it can take awhile. It’s never a good idea to stereotype people and especially before you even get to know them. I think you learned something about passing judgement on people so take a step back and get to know people and let them get to know you next semester and you need to take the time to get to know them. And frankly at every college there will be the nerds, the jocks, the hipsters, the tree-huggers and when applicable the greeks and within those subsets there will be many different kids of many different personalities. Time to learn how to get along with the world and stop looking for a nirvana that exists only in your mind.</p>

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<p>^^that sounds harsher than I intended it to, but I also wonder if you thrive on the turmoil…</p>

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<p>I’ve been on CC for almost four years, I’ve heard much worse momofthreeboys. Re: the stereotyping. I feel like every type of college has a certain type of student. You read it on CC all the time. For example, Williams is preppy, while Evergreen is hipster. In categorizing Knox students, that’s all I meant to do. And I agree with your post. There is more to someone then what you see on the outside. :)</p>

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<p>Yes, I went to college prepped to the max (and back then that meant something much differently than it does today). The girl down the hall looked like Janis Joplin. I’d never even seen someone like that except in Life magazine. She was from a big city in the south, I was from a small town in the north. I liked jazz, ballet and classical music, she liked the Allman brothers. We were both totally lost and I’m sure wondering how we ended up where we did as kids around us paired off and grouped up and somewhat out of necessity we ate together…day after day after day and somewhere on one of those days we became friends and are still friends. Many times kid band up quickly when they land on campus, sometimes because they are simply people that everyone likes and sometimes it happens because everyone deep inside wants that security of having friends, but it takes time to develop friendships…it takes some give and some take and it takes some acceptance that people are often not what they appear on the outside.</p>

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<p>Why shouldn’t people judge based on what you did on Facebook? It isn’t a closed book, it is what you choose to say in a forum that was public to your college community before you ever got there. Knox is a fairly small place, so I can see why if you got off on a bad foot it is tough to recover. But I am going to be blunt from reading your posts… I think you are not willing to accept that you are a signficant part of the problem. You seem like someone for whom the grass will always be greener someplace else. And you are doing your own fair share of stereotyping, listing all the groups you don’t fit in with on campus. Sometimes I do support that students should transfer, but I have also known people who just chased rainbows for “happiness” their whole lives, and blamed the community around them when they weren’t happy. It is not a good quality. I would say about Knox that you picked it, so you should own it and see what you can do to make it work better for you.</p>

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<p>but I just want to be happy for once.
Hate to break it to you, but that is determined more by internal circumstances than external.</p>

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<p>Facebook shows the exterior, not the interior. I didn’t say anything rude, hurtful, etc on the facebook group. Like I’ve said in the past, I had more problems with the upperclassmen bullying the incoming freshman. And yes I did stick up for my class, and I did pay the penalty. I was just a little too excited, that’s it. I have no regrets. You live, you learn.</p>

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<p>Make an appointment with the counseling center. Take advantage of the free counseling at the health center while you’re at Knox. It’s time you speak with a counselor and discuss the issues you’ve mentioned here on CC. You view your issues as being brought on by Knox’s student body. Perhaps it’s time to explore a more organic reason for your issues. It sure can’t hurt.</p>

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<p>EC–you know I am one of your fans, and it’s hard to indicate tone in writing on the internet, so just imagine we are sitting in front of your favorite window with a cozy cup of hot chocolate, OK?</p>

<p>I just really think that you need to take this next semester at a lower decibel level. “history” recedes in to the past, if you let it. So–lay off Facebook for a while. Take a second-row seat on the bus for a while. Don’t lose your “big personality” but put it on the shelf for a while. Be an observer. Be open and engage an open mind. Maybe keep a journal–you are a good writer. What do you observe about a lot of people, and how they conduct their relationships? If they are better at this than you, what do you see that you can use?</p>

<p>Think about it from this perspective: all these kids are part of the vibrant academic scene on campus. You already have something in common with them. But you are having trouble connecting and relating to them, and it seems to me that you are hemming yourself in with some artificial boundaries that don’t have to be there.</p>

<p>Try going in some new directions. You might find people you like in the group that works regularly at the food pantry–or the kids who tutor children from local schools, or volunteer in after-school programs. You might find you fit better with these kids then the other theatrical kids who also have big, theatrical personalities. And, when you join in, try to go along with the flow for a while–don’t just jump in with criticism and a big personality right away–go for several weeks, and earn the right to make gentle suggestions if you have some.</p>

<p>Are there any academic clubs you can join? Often there are societies for students interested in things like economics, or public policy forums, archaelology, a writer’s circle?–whatever. This is where you will find some of the more intellectual kids that attracted you to Knox in the first place.</p>

<p>Don’t walk in to a room and immediately feel excluded by a group already gathered there. Odds are they didn’t gather just to exclude you. Odds are they just aren’t gathered waiting for you to take over the group either. If a bunch of kids are in the lounge watching a Sunday football, or a show on Thursday night , it’s okay to join in —just grab a seat or a spot on the floor, and join in–it’s okay if you’re not a rabid fan. Bring some chips, or make some popcorn to pass around. If you don’t know a lot–that’s okay too, just listen and learn. It’s not the time to criticize jocks, or to try to change the channel–it’s just hanging with people. And during the game there are always a lot of side conversations going on. But you don’t need to take over the group to be a part of it. If they are going out afterward, go along–and go with the flow. And go more than once, and you will become part of it.</p>

<p>Try being interested in them, instead of being worried about them being interested in you–that’s what I meant by putting your “big personality” on the shelf for a bit. No one needs to be “on” all the time.</p>

<p>Also, look out for others who also aren’t necessarily engaged at any particular moment. If you see someone sitting alone in the dining hall…ask if that person would like some company? Walk around your dorm on a weekend night, and see who else is around. You can always say you were catching up on class work, and were hoping to find someone to order in a pizza with, whatever—</p>

<p>The reason I am saying these things is that I think you have been able to put your finger on at least part of the cause of your social unhappiness–Your need to be “big” and "noticed " and “the center of attention” has somewhat gotten in the way of people getting to know YOU.</p>

<p>People don’t generally like obnoxious people…although they sometimes love people who have a wonderful, perverse, obnoxious sense of humor. Give them a chance to see your wonderful qualities, and they will soon come to appreciate your special qualities.</p>

<p>All of this being said…sure, put in some transfer applications. But realize that transfer students face all kinds of social problems too. And there may be financial realities that bite as well.</p>

<p>And also please realize that if you don’t moderate your approach to people/social situations, you will likely end up in the same social situation you find yourself in now. A “Big personality” that is always demanding to be the center of attention and to have its opinion followed is unlikely to be popular anywhere.</p>

<p>And, as one of your fans, I want you to have fun and have friends. So please take my comments in the gentle way they are meant.</p>

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<p>The earlier suggestion was regarding Austin College in Sherman, Texas. It’s located about 45 minutes north of Dallas, not in Austin, Texas.</p>

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<p>Hi OP!</p>

<p>My nephew went to Knox. The academics were fine from the beginning. The social part took longer for him. He did join clubs and did ECs (in his case chess and martial arts) and met one very good friend, a great guy from India who became a part of our family. </p>

<p>He did a 3/2 engineering program and now has a great job and a wonderful girlfriend. It was a rocky beginning, but he focused on the academics.</p>

<p>No one has mentioned Goucher College, but I’m wondering if you’d want to take a look at their website if you do want to consider a transfer. I’m not sure there’s a downside to a few transfer apps as long as you keep focusing on your academics at Knox. It’s a good school and you sound like a good student. Go for it!</p>

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<p>I think there is some confusion. I do have a big personality and some of that was shown on the facebook group. BUT since I’ve been at Knox, I’ve been very low key. Yes, I am still very involved in class, but if you compare myself to how I was in high school, I am like a mouse. Since I noticed what happened on the facebook group, people haven’t even begun to see the real me (meaning how big my personality really is). I’ve been very nice and courteous to people. </p>

<p>I’ve had some drama with suit-mates, but IMO I’ve handled it very well. When I first got to Knox, everyone was talking about me. But over time, the talk moved on to someone else. I had associates who told me people no longer talked about me. Knoxies wanted to know the real deal. I actually became friends with the girl who laughed at me when I first arrived at Knox (she’s a senior who was in my Holocaust class). So, the drama and gossip about me is really no longer there. And if there is any, it’s very minimal compared to the beginning of September. </p>

<p>The senior in my Holocaust class told me that the upperclassman saw that I cared a lot about Knox and they took advantage of that. She told me to act like I don’t care about anything. She even told me to be a b!tch and use it to my advantage (don’t agree with that, but that’s what she said). In the group, I was essentially the admission officer. The reason my original orientation leader didn’t want me was because she thought I would know more about Knox than she did (I’ve had numerous people tell me this). So basically, the admission like role in the group is what turned people off. I really haven’t tried to be the center of attention or anything. My whole term was essentially me trying to stay away from the crowd, so people would stop talking about me. I never did anything at Knox for people to have anything against me. It was all prior September. And even though I went overboard, I really did help a lot of people with deadlines, requirements, class suggestions, etc. It was second nature for me.</p>

<p>I also want to let you guys know that I did try and make friends. In the beginning, I would say hi to strangers (got ignored, but I tried at least). I would go up to people and try to get to know them. I tried a lot of different tactics, but I just never felt a connection with anyone I met. All I want is a couple close friends because that’s all I need to be happy. </p>

<p>Also, Knox is on a trimester system. There is no “semesters” there. Just wanted to clear that up.</p>

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<p>First off, I’m sorry about your co-worker’s death OP. </p>

<p>Socially, I think part of the problem you’re having is that you seem to put people in boxes and make assumptions about them. You’ve characterized your classmates as being “nerds, potheads/hipsters, and athletes/jocks.” You know what, people aren’t one-dimensional and they don’t fit into those neat little categories. </p>

<p>Those “athletes/jocks” (and everyone else) may be incredibly interesting, funny people underneath. Why not try and get to know what’s beneath the surface? </p>

<p>Oh and also… “Since I noticed what happened on the facebook group, people haven’t even begun to see the real me (meaning how big my personality really is). I’ve been very nice and courteous to people.”</p>

<p>Being ‘nice and courteous’ to people should be your standard MO regardless of how ‘big’ your personality is.</p>

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<p>early_college, LISTEN to what boysx3 is telling you. You may feel that you have toned down, but hearing “drama with suitemates” means that toned down for you may still be turned up high for others. Also… honestly, just because people have stopped talking about the FB stuff does not mean they have actually forgotten. Unfortunately, first impressions tend to stick with people. Just because they are not talking about it does not mean it is not on their minds when they see you (people sure do not say everything they are thinking!). </p>

<p>I can tell you that I went through a “personality adjustment” in my early 20s when I got out into the working world – I just had to in order to function in a business environment. It is not fun to be told you have to tone it down to get along, but fact is that life is going to be really rough if you can’t figure out how to do that. It is way more fun (and easier) to “be me” with a big personality, but you kind of suck all the air out of the room from everyone else when you do that. And it is easy to rub people the wrong way. So the “personality adjustment” phase sort of sucked. For a couple of years I had to be really thoughtful about EVERYTHING I said – nothing came out of my mouth without examining it for whether it was appropriate, considerate, timely, had the correct tone, volume, and whether it needed to be said. And it takes a while for people to adjust their opinions of you (that darned first impression). Eventually it became second nature, and all these years later I think I am a lot happier (and well liked) now than before. No one likes to be told they need to adjust their style – it feels like a betrayal of yourself. But life has a way of rubbing off those rough edges, and it is never easy. College is actually a really good time to go through this (vs. when you are trying to hang onto your job after college).</p>