Opinion on UC personal statement?

<p>Hi all,
I'm applying for colleges and I'm a nervous wreck. It'd be great if anyone could give me any feedback on my personal statement! Prompt #1- Tell us about yourself and the world you come from.</p>

<p>She’s the girl in ripped jeans and an old band t-shirt, the girl with both feet on the ground, as solid as the harmony between ebony and ivory. And when she chooses, she flies with her own wings. Is she part Latina or Hispanic? Maybe a mix of Black and Mexican, or part Asian? Polynesian, Micronesian, Samoan? Is she a Cypriot? Middle eastern- Israeli, Syrian, Indian, Lebanese, Persian, Egyptian, a mixture of all of the above, possibly?
Hearing all this, she laughs. Mocking everyone and hiding her winces, as others try to determine her nationality, some sounding more ridiculous than others. As innocent as it seems, mislabeling leads to an awkward experience for the individual involved. It tears down self-esteem. You feel as if you don’t belong, never truly here nor there. And the name- it doesn’t help either. Jasmine Goraya (pronounced gore-eye-uh). Jasmine is probably the most common first name in the English language and the odd last name originates in countries varying from the region once known as Persia to Russia and Romania.
My mother immigrated to the U.S. in her teens on a scholarship basis, while my father came from Greece on a stowaway ship. As far as I can remember, this stark contrast was always prevalent in my family, not to mention the cultural differences that slowly gnawed away at the household dynamics. My mother, a good spirited woman who always danced around the house, laughing and cleaning, with tendrils of smoke surrounding her, was sensual, feline, a calming influence. She was soft and would light lotus candles even during the day. She filled the house with incense and oils; the scent of sandalwood and musk-amber mixed with the fresh minty aroma of Rosemary and Sage flowing in from the kitchen, beckoning me to join her in her jubilation. Yet, she always demanded perfection. Rather than the sweet, gypsy smoke that curled and kissed the air around my mother, my father smelled of a different kind of earthy smoke; a stench of stale cigarettes and fumy, ash and soot. To be quite frank, he was too drunk to even remember my name, only referring to me as “Tiger” or “Bud” while demanding a bottle of chilled beer from the fridge in between bouts of unfounded violence and rage. I only wish he was able to look at the world through my rose- colored glasses and see the beauty in everything that I can’t seem to ignore.
“No one is perfect Mum”, I stated harshly.
“No Jasmine. You HAVE to be perfect,” my mother responded with a faint smile.
I was only growing when my precious mother declared these words. Never did I let on how much these words affected me and to what extent I felt the pressure. I feared not meeting her expectations, failing to make her a proud mother, or failing in general. But, fear is a dangerous thing. It has the ability to cripple you and disease your mind. However, fear can also provide you with the obstacles you need to thrive; and I always enjoy a good challenge. A matter of perspective is all it really takes to change a bad situation into something beneficial.
I’ve come to use my upbringing in an unconventional household to open me to other dimensions of thought. Even today, I find that my main interest lies in Computer Science, a subject that many are surprised to hear coming out of a girl's mouth. I’ve come to take pride in my ambiguous looks as no one can ever guess my ethnicity 100% correctly. I’ve come to understand that by making me question myself, my mother instilled in me a desire to always strive for perfection. I, however, until my recent years, misunderstood. I took everything to heart rather than exhuming its buried wisdom. But now, I know better. Whether I was named after the Arabian Night Jasmine, a relaxing fragrance considered to be as good as Valium when it comes to calming the nerves, or the sweet-smelling Yellow Jasmine, the deadliest flower that can kill within ten hours if immersed in boiling water and imbibed as a tea, remains a question. But either way, I only wish to grow, openly and wildly, to seek to be a pioneer in both thought and action and give my will free reign to express itself, just like the flower I share my name with. I know myself, but only vaguely compared to what I still have to learn.</p>

<p>What do you guys think?</p>

<p>Your essay is wayyy too fancy. It’s full of fluff and it reads like a romance novel. Your personal statement is supposed to sound like you are talking to a college admission representative in person. I’m guessing you wouldn’t talk like this in real life. I’m not saying to make it overly casual, but you should use more “I” and “me” and talk about yourself, not so much your parents. You especially don’t need to talk about how much they… smell like. Basically, don’t use so much purple prose.</p>

<p>You’re a great writer, and I enjoy reading your essay. However, given this is an admissions essay, colleges are trying to learn more about you. Your essay doesn’t say enough about you.</p>

<p>Here are my suggestions. Consider consolidating the first two paragraphs into 3-4 sentences or completely get rid of it. In the 3rd paragraph, write less about your parents. Add more details about you into the essay. I’m not sure what is the word limit on your essay, but make sure it’s 80-90% of your essay is about you.</p>

<p>I think your essay answers the prompt by describing the world you come from, to some extent, and who you are, to a lesser extent. I agree with ecoachjen that it should focus more about you.</p>

<p>Some specifics:

  • I’m not sure it works to go from third-person in your first paragraph to first person in your last. It may be an interesting literary style that an English teacher could analyze, but might not be appreciated by the college admissions person that has read 1000 essays before yours.
  • it seems contradictory (and a little trite) to tell your mum that no one is perfect, and then later to describe that she has instilled in you a desire to strive for perfection.
  • some of your statements are vague and could use more explanation/depth (I always enjoy a good challenge…I misunderstood …but now I know better (what are you talking about here?)…I know myself, but only vaguely…). Your statement ‘I was only growing…’ is also unclear.
    -refocus the general statements, such as ‘fear is a dangerous thing…a matter of perspective is all it takes…,’ on you, or eliminate them.
  • reduce the statements about the origins of jasmine and the scents filling your home unless you are tying them to your identity.</p>