Hi
My son is a junior in college. He says he hates doing the work for his classes and he even hates signing up for classes?!? (He never liked doing homework in high school, I always had to bug him to do it). His grades have continued to decline. He withdrew from 2 of his last 3 classes so it didn’t effect his GPA but he is close to being on academic probation. Last year he transferred universities to a diff university. He is unsure/not excited about his major. I told him he does not have to go to college. He can do something else or take a gap year. But he insists college is the only option for him. He is obviously confused, anxious, afraid but he won’t admit it. I finally convinced him to see a therapist since April. But nothing has changed. I don’t want to keep paying for college if he is not going to try and is not excited about it. I have encouraged him to go to free wellness coaching/motivational interviewing offered at his college but he won’t
I’m obviously doing something wrong because we fight all the time but I don’t know what to do differently. I just want him to be happy and achieve his goals. Please help
My daughter left and worked (restaurant, dry cleaner) and enrolled in an adult learner/degree completion program at a college she really wanted to attend. She progressed 4 years later to a job with autistic children, which was clarifying. She says that working helps her focus on school, but keeps her courses down to two per semester, one at a time. She is part way through senior year.
There are many programs that allow you to have a reduced course load, even take 1 or 2 classes, which helps some kids. Working helps connect school to life.
But it sounds like your son is not interested. Is he social or connected to good friends at school? Involved in EC’s? I was lucky in that my daughter left voluntarily and did not appear to miss friends made.
Has your son started already? Is it too late to drop/withdraw before there are consequences?
Unfortunately withdrawing later and having too many W’s can affect aid and status at schools. Does you son understand the risk?
Does he have a diagnosis? ADHD? If so is he registered with the Office of Disabilities? He could get accommodations through that office. Often that also means some extra advising…
Is his therapist associated with the university? Perhaps with support he can make it through, passing, not withdrawing and graduating, but it sure sounds like there are obstacles on the way.
Have you looked into a coach? They often work by phone or virtually.
Do you have support? A spouse who agrees with your points of view? It sounds like parents together could intervene after this semester at the new school, if things don’t go well.
Paying for a bad transcript doesn’t feel right. And sometimes the school makes the decision for you. Sympathies! I can only say that with time, many of us have found that things work out, just not in the way we originally envisioned.
Excellent point. One of my NAMI co-teachers said, “We all have a movie playing in our head of what life will be like for our kids. When things don’t turn out that way, it is very jarring.” I certainly never thought our brilliant, athletic, enthusiastic son would end up living in supported housing, on Social Security benefits. But he is happy. Last week was bumpy, but he’s doing much better now. He frequently says that life is worth living. He is kind and compassionate. I’m really proud of him, even though he didn’t become a doctor as we expected.
One more thing I wanted to mention. I’ve talked about it before on CC, but it’s worth emphasizing. If you have a family member with a disability, you can sign up for an ABLE account. The money kept in this account does NOT count as an “asset” for eligibility for SSI or Medicaid. I’ve had an account for my son for a few years now. It gives him so much peace of mind to know he has money in the bank. The funds have to be used for “qualified expenses,” but the rules are pretty liberal.
The ABLE National Resource Center website - ablenrc.org - is a good place to start if you’re interested. It is a non-profit organization trying to promote the ABLE accounts. The participation rate is very low, because people just don’t know about the program.
I am a 2020 Ambassador with ABLE NRC, so you can tell this means a lot to me. I am happy to answer questions or point you in the right direction if I don’t know.
@9101transfermum, I would split your post off to its own thread. I think you’re more likely to get some helpful responses that way.
One problem I have with my kids who are not on the autism spectrum, but are definitely not neurotypical, is that I never know what to wait out and what to take seriously. Is it a bona fide mental disorder? Is it just my kids? Is it me?
It was fairly easy with the tics, at least in theory: wait them out. They drove me nuts, but it’s true that my oldest has completely outgrown them, and they’ve become much rarer in my two younger ones.
Youngest ones had phases of self injury (ripping his hair out until he was almost bald) under great stress. Therapy or wait out the stress (it was due to surgeries and hospitalisation and had a defined end). I decided on giving him a buzz cut and waiting it out.
Existential depression? Decided on therapy for my oldest. Never felt it helped much, so far haven’t decided for middle child.
OCD thoughts? Decided more therapy for that might freak them out more than help, so simply calmed them down whenever it came up. So far, oldest grew out of it (or appears to) middle child is on and off, Ive so far come down on its just my kids.
Sensory issues? Middle child had seriously disordered eating from the get go. NO ONE took this seriously. There was like one single nutritionist who appeared to have done serious research into food neophobia in otherwise healthy children. Found the book, had two phone sessions, cobbled together my own therapy. It’s an ongoing fight. No she has decided to dislike her body, and to start doing targeted exercises. Is it a new phase of the same thing? Do I need to take it more seriously? I just never know.
I have a question… Do you have any tips on how parents can manage their own stress in dealing with kids with mental health issues? I have a 20 year old son off at college, who has depression. He often calls me to tell me how sad, lonely, etc. he is. I’ve tried to tell him that a therapist would be much better at helping him, but he won’t see one. So I do my best trying to be supportive in long conversations, but I end up a bit of a basket case myself worrying about him. I’ve tried to tell myself that he is an adult now, everyone goes through these things, he’ll be okay, etc, but then I worry that what if I didn’t do enough or what if he continues to spiral downward and then my own anxiety starts. He just transferred to a new college and, with Covid, really hasn’t been able to meet anyone, so he really is alone right now, about 2000 miles away. Any tips on how you take care of yourself while helping your kids would be greatly appreciated.
@lmhh24 , maybe you can reach out to the college’s student and family support program to see if staff can check in with your son and encourage him to speak with a counselor even on a drop-in base. Also, staff might help you with strategies.
The pandemic is exacerbating anxiety and depression for many. And having your child so far away especially at this time is so difficult. I wish you and your son the best.
The isolation many young people are experiencing (as well as some parents) is terrible. It may bring out situational, shorter term mental health issues or may bring out longer lasting ones. Only time will tell. I am also getting those calls from a lonely kid thousands of miles away. I note, at this moment, that the kid is asleep and I am still up . Also that this is the kid without major mental health issues.
@lmhh24 what has worked for me is seeing a counselor myself. When my son goes catatonic and is in the hospital for a month, it’s almost too much for me to bear. Other times, too, though, I find myself in need of being able to vent to someone other than my husband. It is SO helpful!!
@MaineLonghorn - Do you know if it is possible for parents to make contributions to both an ABLE account and a 529 college savings plan owned by the same student in the same year? The goal would be to contribute more than the $15K limit for an ABLE account, while reducing the risk the college savings plan will be over-funded. They can both be used to pay for college tuition and room and board, right?
@KaiserS let me see what I can find out.
@compmom Thanks. He does not have not have a diagnosis, won’t see a coach. I have support but nothing seems to change. If he doesn’t pass this semester I’m just not gonna pay for school or apartment anymore. Frustrating that he won’t work hard and doesn’t seem to care
@9101transfermum so sorry. Is he depressed? Is this a change in how he functions or consistent with high school? (You mentioned that you had to help him stay motivated.) It sounds like either he does better with school, or something will indeed change and he will have to leave. I think you are absolutely right. And once over 18 you cannot force him to therapy.
If he does leave, would he most likely live with you? This will be hard if he is angry. I hope that either the college makes him leave, so he isn’t angry at you, or that he can absorb the idea that leaving is in his best interest.
A year or two of work can be motivating. And honestly something has gone awry when everyone feels they have to go to college. There are other paths but they need more support from our culture.
If your son has any talents or interests that can be pursued outside of traditional college, that would be great. College one course at a time while working is possible. But clearly he is holding onto the traditional residential model even when for whatever reason he cannot do the work.
The real question is why can’t he do the work? I don’t believe in laziness (read the Myth of Laziness). Good luck and sympathy!
Just curious @MaineLonghorn or anyone, how much do you think maturity has to do with recovery from some mental illness? My D and I were talking about this today. She was at her worst in probably junior year and senior year of HS. She then took 2 gap years (well, she couldn’t do anything except lay on the sofa for a year she was so depressed) and then, remarkably, started college.
She is still on a lot of meds but is thinking she wants to taper off some (with her doctors approval of course). I definitely think some of her improvement is just the growing up and hormonal stuff leveling out. She also did a LOT of therapy and DBT and I think that helped. She also got on meds that helped. And she is now much more structured in her life and school and that helped. A holistic approach if you will.
She will always have a much harder time in life due to her diagnoses, but I feel like she is in a place where she is able to manage her life appropriately. It is not a typical life - she cannot really socialize and she needs a LOT of time to recharge, and a lot of time to prepare for situations. But she can be self-sufficient which is a miracle considering where she was a few years ago.
So just curious how you know when to consider tapering off medication? (I know you are not doctors nor do you play them on TV)
Good question, and I think it depends, like everything in life.
My kid actually tried going off Lithium. She was staying with me for a few months and got her sleep cycle and daily rhythms pretty stable so it was a good time to try, but it didn’t work at all. She went right back on. But over the years the dose is much lower than at first.
Doctors have told us that for depression, bipolar, seizures, any brain disorder, there is a “kindling” process that means each episode is worse than the last. Medications and therapy can stop that process and medications if taken long enough can heal the brain. We were told.
But that doesn’t mean that a brain-based disorder that might be life long will entirely go away.
It sounds like your daughter has a lot of tools now and could try. At a good time, when stress is low/
One of my friends went off her antidepressant and got depressed again. She went back on but at a small dose, like 1/4 of what she had been on, and is happy with that. I know someone else who went off and was fine for 3 years but is considering going on again.
There are many sites online on how to get off antidepressants. Doctors often say “cut it in half for a week then go off.” Many people I know took months to get off. Some used liquid meds to be able to taper even when dose had gotten small. And using a med with a longer half life while getting off a med with a short half life can also help.
I could really empathize with your daughter’s story. She sounds brave. And is lucky to have you!
@KaiserS, I haven’t heard back yet. I will ask again.
@surfcity I know that my two younger kids have gotten better as they got older, but I have no idea if it’s just maturity or other factors. 22-year-old daughter thinks the Prozac has helped a ton. She is SO much less stressed than just a year ago, though, and she was on the same meds.
My oldest realistically will probably never get a lot better, but his doctor does taper off the meds some when he’s more stable. Whenever his lithium is lowered much, though, he gets worse. I have heard it’s not good to stay on lithium long-term, but I talked to one man in his 60s who told me he’s been on it for 30 years and had no problems.
I have seasonal affective disorder which manifests mainly as depression but it also brings on confusion and anxiety connected to the brain fog. When I was younger, it was much, much worse.
I have found that with age, knowledge, and an arsenal of strategies, my need for seasonal medication has diminished to the point where I haven’t taken it in years.
So I believe emotional and physical maturity plus body changes plus awareness/strategies can alter one’s need for medication—depending on the condition.
FWIW, my bipolar kid was just fired because she asked for sleep accommodation. They claim its because she can’t meet the expectations of the job due to her need for 8-9 hours of sleep per day. She worked 15 hours/day x 7 days last week without complaint. Totally absurd. She’s speaking to an attorney tomorrow.
@HMom16 so grateful to your daughter for being brave enough to consult a lawyer. Every individual who stands up, helps others. Her work ethic should be applauded as well.
@whidbeyite2002 loved your post. I often like to say that my daughter was lucky in some ways to be diagnosed so early, because she has had years to accumulate experience and strategies for managing her bipolar 1. Still on Lithium but dose is much lower than the original dose! (Lithium affects kidneys and thyroid and I know two older adults who had to go off, one still on dialysis. But there really is no other good option for many.)