Parental alcoholism draining money?

Paying for College
1

<p>I feel completely embarrassed and ashamed to even talk about this or ask anyone about this (ha my palms are currently sweating!), but it has been on my mind for quite a while.</p>

<p>My parent makes a very respectable income, but sadly, the other one suffers from severe alcoholism. Been living with the abuse since I was 7. It sucks (understatement of my life), but it has made me stronger than most kids I know and made me work 3x as hard.</p>

<p>That being said, the alcoholism drains my parent's income, as well as my college fund. I have come up with the average amt spent each month on booze in my house, and it is about $1,100--give or take a few hundred. My parent and I went over it this morning and found that last year the other parent spent over 14k on alcohol alone. It is extremely shocking.</p>

<p>However, there isn't a place on FAFSA to check a box saying "my parent is addicted to booze! Here is how much we spend", at least not that I am aware of. So, while I thought my parent could afford our FAFSA EFC, it really isn't possible because of the extra money spent each year. I guess my question is, is there anyway to...repeal or speak with someone at my prospective colleges and get some help with aid or scholarships or..something? I don't know...does anyone have any advice? It just hurts that you work so hard to do well in school and get accepted into 'dream' schools, and then can't afford to go because alcohol takes a top priority in your provider's life. Many families can hardly afford a 14k school, and mine throws away that money on booze.</p>

<p>PS. Please don't give any "you should really make the parent stop..or get him/her help." We have tried everything possible in the past 11 years...and I am just lucky to be leaving the abuse when I go to college.</p>

2

<p>according to another post you made, your Fafsa EFC is 32K.</p>

<p>Did you apply to any state schools that cost less than 20K. You can get 5500 in stafford loans and if your parents could afford 1/2 the EFC, then you would be set.</p>

<p>You also wrote that they don’t want to pay for anything besides community college. </p>

<p>you can’t make your parents give you money they don’t have or don’t want to give. </p>

<p>how much are they really willing to pay?</p>

3

<p>Frankly, addiction prevents many families from being able to pay their EFC. For most it’s a shopping addiction but it could be addiction to luxury goods, big houses, cars, vacations or anything at all. So no, it’s not going to help.</p>

<p>I know this is no fun for you and so many kids, I’m sorry, but choose a school you can afford.</p>

4

<p>We know this feeling in our family too. It wasn’t so much the spending on alcohol, but the impulse buying while drinking. It doesn’t sound like your parent is seeking any treatment so evidence of a hardship will be more difficult. Unfortunately for you, discretionary spending whether for alcohol or anything else is rarely taken into consideration. </p>

<p>I would suggest you speak with the FA department at your schools of choice. Most understand that this is an addiction and it is possible they will work with you, but the lack of documented treatment program won’t help. $14K is a major drinking problem, leading me to believe your parent is spending this at bars not in package goods. This may allow you to document actual costs better. Clearly, this type of expenditures support your claim. This is drinking/spending daily at a high level. If you have been able to determine the $14K by receipts etc, you may be able to provide evidence of the hardship. </p>

<p>I wish I had better news, but I found most places are unsympathic to addictions. It could be that they don’t beleive the extent of the problems, but it sounds like you at least can support the hardship and that is usually hard to do.</p>

5

<p>@sueinphilly: My parent, we will call him/her Parent Z (I am trying to keep identities out of this…for obvious reasons), wrestles with being the ‘good parent’ always wants to make me happy, let me go to whatever schools I want, keep everything nice and carefree and be my best friend; and with being a parent, who really doesn’t want to send me to school, is afraid of letting me go, and is just, overall, stubborn. So regardless of how many times I sat Z down and asked how much Z is willing to contribute, I never once got an answer. Z also never had any problems with the schools I applied to–none of which were state schools, just universities–and never had a problem with the costs. I also did the entire FAFSA and CSS Profile myself, and completed part of my parents tax return myself (drunk parents don’t do taxes well), so I did think they could truly afford it, or most of it.</p>

<p>After I got accepted, Z began to say they couldn’t afford this one or that one, refused to pay for them, didn’t like the look of this one or the teachings of that one…just a lot of excuses for no apparent reason. So I still have no idea how much Z is willing to contribute, and no, Z will NOT tell me and gets angry when I ask. When I ask, I also get a ‘you will be happy if we pay for community college. We don’t have to do this’ which I completely understand. Either way, I don’t know. I know I have 5k saved and work 30 hrs a week at a minimum wage job, and will completely do work study or whatever I can to help.</p>

6

<p>@pete0six: surprisingly no, the parent does not often go to bars. The parent…X…just goes to the grocery store twice a day and stocks up on as much as possible and hides it around the house because we inevitably find it and discard it. So X is really buying for like 4 alcoholics a day, but only consuming half of it.</p>

<p>Thanks guys for at least responding. I figured it wasn’t going to work…but I needed some hope. I guess everyone could try to use addiction to get more money though…sadly some are more serious than others.</p>

7

<p>Hopefully, you can go to a college away from home and get some distance from this parent’s illness. You might try AlAnon or AlAteen as well;</p>

8

<p>thanks b’smom!</p>

9

<p>Is there another close adult family member or trusted adviser who might be able to talk with your parents? You do need to get the financial thing straightened out so you can make your plans and seems like you’re being forced to walk on eggshells at the very least.</p>

<p>Is your high school aware of this situation? If not, have a sit down with your GC and lay out the facts and ask for assistance. I think you need input from clear-headed adults who are in a better position to help you. Good luck!</p>

10

<p>I second the suggestion that you try to find an AlAteen group. Unfortunately, a parent with an addiction or a mental illness often results in the child becoming the parent, and taking responsibility for things that the parent should do – like taxes. </p>

<p>One of the toughest aspects of this is accepting the things you cannot change. You can’t make your parent be sober. You can’t make your parent make prudent financial choices, at least, not without a court declaring the parent incompetent. Even then, you can’t make your parent pay for college. You can’t make your other parent take the steps that might resolve the situation.</p>

<p>It isn’t fair, and it is truly unfortunate. But your best option may be to accept these things now, and then make choices about what you’re going to do going forward. Getting out of that environment may be important for your own mental health and for preserving your own future options.</p>

<p>I hear that finding a way to go to one of the universities that accepted you is what you want, but you may need to find a different approach that will work for you. Is ROTC a possible option? Is living somewhere else and going to CC an option? Can you get a job at a corporation that is known for good college tuition reimbursement for employees?</p>

<p>Been there, done that. I didn’t finish my undergraduate degree quickly, but it was the best I could do given a chaotic situation at home. </p>

<p>It isn’t fair. I’m very, very sorry for that, but I really encourage you to look for workable options that allow you to move away from this situation and take ownership of the problem directly.</p>

11

<p>I agree that you should find support for Parent Z’s alcohol problems. This issue is causing problems for you in and of itself. It would help to have people you can talk to about it. It must be really frustrating.</p>

<p>Also, I wouldn’t count on Parent Z for anything financially. If they is as unstable as you describe them to be, any support they provide could be withdrawn with no warning and with little or no provocation. They could even use money to try to control you. You’ll be in a much better, safer place when you’re financially independent of them.</p>

<p>Is there anyone in your extended family who could provide support? Even if they live far away or you didn’t get a chance to know them well, they might still be interested.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the entire financial aid system assumes that parents will voluntarily pay what the system thinks they can afford. People fall through the cracks when the parents won’t pay. When this happens, it becomes all about finding schools with a sticker price which is cheaper even before financial aid - because there isn’t any financial aid.</p>

<p>Starting at a community college can be a good idea when financial aid isn’t available. It allows you to move forward academically while controlling costs. You’re only paying the full sticker price at a four-year school for two years instead of four. Of course, this assumes your local community college is acceptable academically and otherwise. Now if you decide to move out of your parent’s house, you could strategically move into a good community college district. Usually, you don’t have to live in a community college district for very long at all to get in-district tuition rates.</p>

<p>Again, it’s all about the lowest sticker price in your situation. This is usually found in your state’s public universities. Hopefully, at least one is remotely tolerable. If not, or if you just want to move far away to start over, there are alternatives:

  • Out-of-state tuition costs vary dramatically. Some states, notably Minnesota and New York, have relatively low OOS tuition. US students have to pay International tuition in Canada, but this still can be more reasonable than OOS tuition in many US states.
  • Are you a very good student? It’s been mentioned that some schools offer full-tuition or even full-ride scholarships to students with very good stats. Most of the schools mentioned were flagship state schools in the Southeast.
  • It’s difficult to become a resident of another state for tuition purposes. It might be possible if you genuinely start over in another state and live independently for an extended period of time. This probably means working full-time to pay your own way through life. Additionally, most states will refuse to consider you a resident for tuition purposes if they think you moved there primarily to obtain an education.</p>

<p>Excessive debt should be avoided at all costs. Student loans can never be discharged in bankruptcy. Excessive student loans can get in the way of the future you want. They could even make you move back in with your alcoholic parent because you can’t afford rent!</p>

<p>Also, I’d avoid anywhere which is a really poor fit even if it seems like a good deal financially. A school which is a poor fit is one where you might not do well academically. Also, four years, or even two years, is a long time to be socially isolated or miserable. People who are isolated or miserable tend not to achieve.</p>

<p>Good luck! I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.</p>

<p>Finally, does anyone who is familiar with the FAFSA think that the OP’s situation is extreme enough to be considered an independent student? It might be possible to document Parent Z’s alcohol problems even if they won’t seek help. For example, a log could be kept of Parent Z’s erratic behavior, of amounts of alcohol which were known to be consumed and/or were discarded, and other relevant facts. It helps to keep such logs in a spiral notebook, as it’s difficult to tamper with by adding pages retroactively. Obviously, you’d still need to be living in the same house to do this. And it goes without saying that this would have to be done surreptitiously.</p>

12

<p>Hmmm, would the govt. care about personal choices/addictions such as alcoholism? </p>

<p>Nonetheless, tough situation indeed. Hope it works out for you OP</p>

13

<p>Hi all who helped me with answers; here is an update:</p>

<p>I spoke with 3 of my possible colleges about Parent Z’s drinking problems, and unfortunately none of them helped me at all. I have police records, child service accords (they got involved a few years back), pastors, lawyers, and 3 states worth of eyewitnesses, but none of it seemed to matter when I told them about these people and sources. They said if I had some type of medical bills, then they could factor that in, but other than that it is hopeless.</p>

<p>It is just…extremely upsetting…to say the least, that because Parent Z does not have documentable problems, they don’t consider it serious. On sunday night Parent Z fell in a drunken stupor and smacked its head on the metal bathroom rod and lay bleeding on the floor until we found Z. I cleaned up the blood on the walls and floor while the other parent made sure she was concious.</p>

<p>I dare any college to tell me that that isn’t serious enough to be considered a problem. It just isn’t fair.</p>

14

<p>It is not that your parent’s problems aren’t serious, but financial aid departments follow certain protocols when it comes to accepting special circumstances appeals. Those protocols don’t take into account money spent on alcohol. They DO take into account money spent on extra ordinary medical bills and may make adjustments for that.</p>

<p>That is why the FA departments will factor in alcohol related medical bills but not the costs of the alcohol itself.</p>

15

<p>What isn’t fair is that you’ve had to grow up in that environment, but frankly, most kids with EFC’s of $32K can’t afford the college of their choice for financial reasons.</p>

16

<p>How your parent decides to spend money they earn, no matter how destructive, is their decision. Please come to grips that you will have to make your own way through college. This may entail going to CC, taking off semesters to work full time to afford next semester’s tuition and accepting life is not fair. Others are doing it and so can you.</p>

17

<p>You certainly have the Community College option, but that keeps you at home. How about merit scholarships? Are your stats good enough to qualify? For schools that offer merit aid, the higher up you are in their applicant pool, the more money you get. Just a thought.</p>

<p>Don’t give up.</p>

18

<p>Perhaps you could get yourself declared an emancipated minor. Here in California, you go to court and appear before the judge. The paperwork is not difficult and you don’t need a lawyer. Have your parents stop declaring you on their taxes and take other steps will reduce your EFC. These are just ideas. See if you could attend your college part-time, and work while getting off of your parent “payroll” could reduce their contribution. It will be difficult but well worth it in the long run.</p>

19

<p>Disengage yourself from the situation. Start the process of becoming and emancipated minor and find a way to take responsibility for your own life. The sooner you get out of this untenable situation, the sooner you will begin to be able to make your own financial and educational plans. An addict, which is what an alcholic is, can only change because they want to change, and even then, it’s no garauntee. What you need is a solid base YOU can count on, and the is going to have to be what you can do on your own. If you, by some serendipity, end up getting assistance from your parents, that would just be a gift. But, I wouldn’t count on it as a way to finance your future.</p>

20

<p>

It dos not matter whether parents take you as a dependent on their taxes or not. You are still a dependent for financial aid purposes if you are under 24 and do not meet one of the other criteria for independence (married, veteran, have a dependent of your own etc). My son is 22 and has not been a dependent on our tax returns for several years as he dropped out of college and was living on his own and paying his own way. When he returned to school he was still a dependent for FAFSA. Dependent for taxes and dependent for FAFSA are two entirely different things.</p>

<p>Under old FAFSA rules being an emancipated minor still made no difference on FAFSA - you were still a dependent. Under new rules someone declared an emancipated minor by a court while they are under 18 is considered independent for FAFSA. However courts do not take such decisions lightly and would not probably grant it in the circumstances. Also if the OP is already about to start college it seems likely he is already 18 or almost 18 and it is too late to go that route. Plus it is a very drastic step.</p>