Parenting a potentially "gifted" child

It was mentioned that this toddler walks around the house labeling numbers on the microwave, thermostat, clock, etc.

I would turn this into an appropriate social activity. For example, cooking, planting flowers, playing with playdoh etc are all ways for him to use his knowledge in social situations. This might be happening already.

It seems that he reads but might not comprehend what he is reading, unless I misunderstood? I would look for books that interest him, sit on the couch together, and read!! I would discuss what is read, discuss the pictures, characters, problems in the story etc (not suggesting this doesn’t happen). Model conversational skills, etc. Again, I am not suggesting that this doesn’t happen now.

It was mentioned that he is social with strangers. Does he say hello? Tell them mommy just gave him a cookie? Point to his cookie and say “mommy cookie” as if to try and communicate to the stranger that mommy gave him a cookie? Point to the tower he just built? Bring them a book? I am not sure what this means.

Daycare can involve “circle time” or “morning meeting.” Did he sit in on these activities when he went to daycare? Did he appear to listen, take in the questions etc?

He’s adorable with a lot to offer! I would take his strengths and channel them into social activities.

FYI- I don’t think you are pushing academics at all. I do believe you are entirely letting him take the lead.

Forgive me if my comments seemed targeted at something that wasn’t there. It was more of a general response to a more general question for others that may stumble upon this thread in the future.

I don’t think there’s anything unsocial about noticing numbers and not sure where you get that he doesn’t understand what he reads?

Ren sounds like he is on the same track as my great nephew who just turned 5. Charlie started reading on his own at 2 and yes he could understand the things he read. He likes numbers too. He also notices and likes patterns. He also loves geography (can name all the countries in the world and find them on an unlabeled map), space, and doing silly things. He likes to play basketball and go sledding and bang on his kid sized guitar and hug his dog and go see his great grandma. He is an amazing kid. And I haven’t heard what they are going to do about school yet. His mom taught in the schools for several years. I’m sure he would be beyond bored with the “academics” in Kindergarten, but he might enjoy the social aspects.

I don’t know this toddler, but I thought his mother was questioning whether he understands what he reads. She indicated that this is why she put “reading” in quotes. I might be wrong about that, and if so I apologize.

Walking around a room randomly naming numbers can be social with intent……or not. It depends on the context. Right now I don’t have enough information to answer my own question.

You seem to be assuming NOT when his mom has already said he’s super friendly and outgoing. I’m not sure why you keep questioning her. I think she just wanted resources to support him if he continues on his likely trajectory of profoundly gifted. I agree that the social aspect is one thing that can be tricky for some exceptionally gifted kids and parents thereof because they get so caught up in the intellectual they neglect the social but that doesn’t sound like that is going on here at all.

I understand, and am simply providing some advice. This advice can be taken….or not.

I do not know this child and am not making any assumption about anything. Nobody here knows this child.

It sounds like you are doing a great job with the socialization. That was a real hard one for my kids. They have anxiety and we really had to work through a lot with that. My oldest was pretty profoundly affected by separation anxiety and we had to do a lot of baby steps, but we got there, and now they are both gainfully employed and my oldest is moving out next week to an apartment with a housemate and my younger one will be going to college next fall.

Ren is most likely going to be out of sync in his intellectual development with his peers for quite awhile so I would acknowledge that in the “we all have different things we are good at” way. Some people are great athletes or great artists and can draw and paint really realistically, and some people can read when they are two years old, y’know? I would try to work on him with some of his fine motor skills. He may want to learn to write or draw but find that frustrating if he doesn’t have the skills yet. This is an opportunity to foster that growth mindset and grit/sticktoitiveness that he likely doesn’t have to worry about in the intellectual/academic areas.

And find some areas (likely outside of school for the first several years at least) where he can find some intellectual peers that are his age if possible. I don’t know what area you live in and what the resources are like there, but check out the different mom groups and ask.

For our bright, but not super gifted kids with the anxiety issue we started by going to a pretty traditional part-time half day pre-school (many tears on separating) at age 4 with the oldest. After that year when the teacher said “you might want to think of something besides public school for Kindergarten for this one” we found a little hippie private school. Still a lot of sep anxiety, but it did work better although it was a smidge too small (couldn’t find a good friend, which was painful). Intellectually kids were stimulated and encouraged to follow their own interests within a framework. It was loosely a Reggio Emelia approach, and the teachers were super accommodating as far as the kids different strengths and weaknesses. That was a good stepping stone to public school which we did for a year with our oldest and four years with our younger one before we put them in a small charter school. Again this was for the anxiety and it worked a lot better for my oldest than traditional public school would have. I think my younger kid would have worked through her anxiety and been fine anywhere, but she wanted to go to the charter too.

Anyway, that is all to say, you too most likely have an alternative path forward vs the traditional public schools unless you live in an area where there are very excellent resources for profoundly gifted kids.

Hopefully this pandemic will be more under control soon and he will be able to get his vaxes and more resources will open up for you.

It sounds like you are doing great so far, but I do agree that when he gets a little older and you have a little more time and energy think about introducing a board game time in the evening or reading time or something like that to take the place of some of the screen time. Social media and video games can really be a problem in middle and high school. We tried to loosely limit our kids and they still had issues with it. It’s the Wild West out here on the internet, y’know? I wish I had been able to get them to do more to help others and get outside and outside of their own heads a bit more, but we got through it.

Keep on doing what you’re doing!

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The desire to engage with adults rather than kids is something to be conscious of. It’s often rather boring to spend time with kids who aren’t on the same intellectual level so gifted kids may monopolize adults’ attention instead. And the reaction of other kids can range from resentment to worse.

I know many posters here have urged more socialization with peers, but be aware it can backfire. My childhood may be somewhat instructive. I was pretty gifted and it was obvious to all around me from an early age (many years later my elementary school principal told me I was the cleverest kid she had encountered in her 40 year teaching career). But I was bullied a lot in elementary, middle and high school by kids who resented that I knew all the answers and (particularly in elementary school) monopolized the teachers’ attention. That wasn’t helped by skipping a grade in elementary school and another in middle school (and not growing until I was 16) so I was one of the smaller kids and had less developed social skills. Only when I got to college did I come out of my shell.

I’m not sure what I’d do differently, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted more helicopter parenting, but at least nowadays teachers are perhaps more sensitive to bullying so there’s a chance to stop it more quickly. Definitely something to keep an eye on though, even in parent and child pre-school groups.

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I will say elder S had the opposite experience. At the beginning of first grade, the teachers went to the principal to set up a meeting with us to figure out what to do with him. It was decided to then put him two years ahead, but only for math. In fourth grade that switched to four years ahead (algebra) as it was a K-8 school.

But it was a wonderful experience. The older kids adopted him and called him “little (s).” And his normal classmates were all fine too. They are all still friends to this day, some closer than others

But I will say the principal was phenomenal. She went into the older grades and told them what was happening and asked them for any problems they think he might have (desks were too big! He hadn’t learned cursive yet!) and how he would feel coming into a room where they had all been friends for 3-4 years. She was something and did so much for him. She personally took him to the cc/local uni for classes when he passed what they had to offer. She arranged it all so we only had to pay for books. She was a gem and we are so grateful, because I mentioned upthread our area is poor with few resources. Math counts? Science Olympiad? Math competitions?. I hadn’t heard of these until after he graduated and I found my way here.

And yes, we still keep in touch and older S even sent her a long thank you letter once he graduated college and became independent.

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What a generous and caring educator! She sounds like a gem!

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This is great. My older son was skipped to 3rd grade math and the teachers did a phenomenal job of introducing him to and making him comfortable with the older kids. I think they thought of him as a cute mascot more than as a threat. I’d see them on the playground after school with him and never saw any signs of difficulties. Unfortunately he ran out of math option and had less helpful teachers the following years and we ended up essentially homeschooling for math, including doing a lot of stuff that isn’t generally covered much by the school system (Pascal’s triangle, number series, packing balls).

His nursery school teacher also suggested chess, which kept his math brain occupied for a few years!

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My son was also reading and spelling shortly after he turned two. Daycare wanted to put him into a formal phonics program and look in to getting him tested, but we chose kiddie soccer and the Fun Bus. We felt the biggest gift we could give him was a normal childhood with learning how to have fun, play and make friends. Every night while he was a toddler we would read an entire Magic Tree House book to him at bedtime (kid never slept much) and along with his Leapfrog letter videos we would watch the Magic School Bus videos, sing the Schoolhouse Rock Videos, and read about every dinosaur book ever written.

He was bored academically in elementary school (allowed to do origami and cubes at his desk)and most of his math learning was done at home, but it was good for him socially. Being athletic helped him make friends as he played on multiple sport teams. We encouraged learning in depth about any topic he expressed interest in and have boxes full of books, cube puzzles and many musical instruments, but we never put him in formal outside classes. In middle school he started learning Mandarin and was put in an advanced math track. High school brought AP classes and he discovered YouTube science and math videos.

One thing I do regret is not realizing soon enough that high school grade level honor science classes, had turned him off of STEM. When he told me sophomore year that he never wanted to take another science class again because they were too boring and was not thinking of continuing science or math at a college level, I spoke with his school immediately and had him skipped straight to AP physics C for junior year. He is now a freshman in college with plans to triple major in Physics, Math and Computer Science, and was recently assigned a PhD graduate student to mentor him in a project on knot theory, an advanced math topic not taught at the undergraduate level. He is also happy, made friends easily and plays on a club rugby team which to us is just as important as his academics.

I found that there was plenty in childhood to challenge my son while still allowing him to remain a normal kid and have fun and friends. Follow your son’s interest, but do make sure that the pace of academic classes do not diminish your child’s love of learning.

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Parenting is hard. You will need to be your child’s advocate for a lot of different things. My kid is gifted, but not to your son’s degree. In third grade it became clear she was zooming through her math work and spent most of that time reading a book or being assigned to help other students. On the other hand, some kids were struggling and there was no effort by the teacher at this “excellent” school to do differentiated learning. A group of parents pushed for a year and they finally brought in tutors and in fifth grade moved a group to a split 5/6 class where everyone did 6th grade math. We were not rude, but insistent. And, we were probably not the most well-liked parents, but who cares?

You got these cards and now you are going to need to do research and work harder than many parents to make sure Ren gets what he needs. Your mother’s intuition is telling you this now. Please don’t worry what other people think. Get him tested so you know where you stand. Since you are going to have to deal with public schools you need to start looking at options and resources. As has been mentioned, there could be learning disabilities and other issues involved so you need to get prepared. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t get a childhood or you send him to college at age 5, but this isn’t something you should delay.

I don’t know if you, @romanigypsyeyes, are still seeking advice. In case you are, a few thoughts.

I was kind of on the lookout for giftedness with my kids. My father was one of the smartest people I have ever met. The chairman of the Physics department at MIT told me the same thing and when my father was being inducted into the National Academy of Science, he was described as a virtuoso mathematician among theoretical physicists. He apparently was reading the NY Times to his younger sister when he was 3. Like many of his brilliant physics colleagues (lots of Nobel Prize winners etc.), he was seriously Aspergers, so he probably didn’t notice that she was uninterested.

Like @Twoin18, I skipped 3rd grade. My dad had taken a sabbatical at Oxford in my 2nd grade and I’d spent a year in a private English school, where the teaching was “child-centered” instead of “curriculum-centered.” So I remember reading the Iliad and the Odyssey in 2nd grade (I don’t know that I picked up any literary nuances, but it was a great story). I think I returned to start 3rd grade in the US ahead by several years. They skipped me and gave me independent reading using something called SRA. The classmates were no brighter than the kids the year before so it wasn’t particularly stimulating and I was bullied as well all through school. Kids also wanted to fight me because I was Jewish. Later, they skipped me again. I was the smallest kid in my 9th grade class, and again, it wasn’t especially challenging. My parents did ask me if I wanted to attend a private school and I (wrongly) declined on the grounds that it would just be snotty rich kids (which was largely probably true at the time) but if I could have done it again, I would have said yes. I graduated from HS before I got my drivers’ license and had no meaningful social life – certainly no dates prior to college. When I got to an Ivy for undergrad , I said, “There are people like me here.” The first time I felt at home. Years later, I met someone I had not known in college who knew me because I was young for my class.

So, the conclusion thus far: Skipping doesn’t do much. Time spent helping the gifted kid develop social skills would be valuable (I had to teach them to myself in college).

If my kids were going to be gifted in that way, I wanted to make sure they had a better experience than I. [My wife is a very talented artist and so they could have had gifts in that area as well, which I wouldn’t have had a good sense of how to support]. Turned out my son had both the reasoning gifts that my father and I had but also some of the artistic gifts. We had constant reminders of this, but here are a few. He could not walk by age 1 (physical development was slow) but he was speaking full and elaborate sentences before his first birthday. At age 2.5, we had someone over for dinner who married a woman he met when he was studying in Germany. He described how she had moved with him, converted to Judaism, and they got married. The next morning, while I was shaving, he tugged on my pajama pants and said, “Dad, can you change your country in the same way as you change your religion?” So, overnight, this little thing was thinking about concepts of citizenship or nationality and comparing it to conversion to a new religion. Whenever he had an interest, like many of the parents above, we would find ways to support it. ShawWife took him (and friends) and ShawD into the studio. Starting at age 4, I would always let him be the bank in monopoly so he could make change. We read him The Hobbit in kindergarten and the full Lord of the Rings in 1st grade. He devoured these books and I started buying audiobooks by the dozen and then Audible as soon as it came out. I remember in 1st and 2nd grade, he was bored, so I would do math with him. I recall showing him that if you multiply X^a by X^b, you get X^on (a+b). We worked on a few examples. Then I asked him what did he think X^a divided by X^b was. He said, “If multiplication gives addition, wouldn’t division give subtraction?” So he and I had great fun teaching him things as a fun father/son activity.

He had had a lot of difficulty with reading/writing, so we slowed down on some of the math / fun stuff. But, he was in an honors math class at our highly regarded public HS in 9th grade and he said to me, “Dad, we discussed this concept on Monday. I got it completely on Monday. We’re still doing it on Friday. Can you get me out of this?” The Deputy Superintendent of Schools suggested partial homeschooling, so I hired a Harvard grad student to do math with him (he did junior honors math in one semester in 3 hours a week, competition problems, game theory, etc.) and we and others worked with him on writing.

Further conclusions: Have fun with your kid doing enrichment. I am really sold on the idea of essential schools that focus on mastery. So, rather than a kid having to work at level of the peers in his/her grade, they place a kid in the next level when he/she shows mastery. So, one could be three years ahead in math but at grade level in English.

We looked at private high schools, which mostly didn’t have the capacity to handle a kid with his intellectual strengths (his college thesis advisor described him as brilliant or genius in a newspaper interview) or his prodigious deficits. The public schools with a helpful administration were better.

However, I think homeschooling could work really well (though my wife was afraid he would not get adequate social interaction) and partial homeschooling worked pretty well. The issue there is parental time and money. I’m also a big believer in playing to my children’s strengths and teaching them how to do that.

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I will vouch for that. I’m pretty sure I inadvertently passed on my perfectionism to both my kids. One seemed to figure out expectations and “calming down” on own. The other needed more guidance in learning to chill out expectations.
At our school system - not sure if it’s standard - but they didn’t start any GT classes until 3rd grade because some kids taper off and others are still catching up.

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This so much. My friend who is a speech therapist and works with all sorts of kids developmentally and has two gifted kids said this to me years ago. She said parents always try to nurture that gifted side but she would advise it’s the social side in a lot of these kids that needs nurturing. I didn’t believe in grade skipping for the same reason / even finding emotionally appropriate books that matched reading level is challenging. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to skip multiple grades. You have an amazing story.

Both of my kids ended up in gifted programs in elementary school. I didn’t push it at all , the teachers brought it up. They both ended up social, athletic as well.

But some parents seemed to be very invested in getting that going. My younger son was smart, had a friend in kindergarten that had a math professor father that kept angling from the day one in a public kindergarten that his son should get extra tutoring . I volunteered in the classroom and saw a volunteer navy officer coming in to tutor this kid. Still is crazy to me after all these years.

The profundity gifted are another story, I’m sure.

However for many gifted kids, there’s a limit to how much you can “nurture” them in areas that they don’t find interesting (often correlated with those they aren’t strong in). My parents described a constant struggle to find areas of interest that kept me absorbed, and that involved a very random selection of things (none of which involved social activities, though they insisted on sports and hiking to tire me out). At 6 it was reading Greek mythology, at 7-8 high school chemistry and making explosives(!), at 11-12 it was solo Dungeons & Dragons (which I converted into running an invented kingdom, a bit like SimCity with paper and pencil). Fortunately personal computers came along in my early teens and kept me busy through high school. I was also obsessed with maps from an early age, so I would plan all our family road trips, which route to take and how long to allow given the distances on each type of road, plus the routes for any subway systems we traveled on in big cities.

But however difficult I found the social side of things, I would have hated to be held back academically. Fortunately my parents sent me to a selective private middle/high school which had pretty strong peers and excellent teachers. However it was very helpful to take a gap year to work before going to college.

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I also skipped a grade and, like @shawbridge, found the kids no brighter than the kids the year before. I was socially fluent and a decent athlete, so I was slotted into the “smart jock” category; I had plenty of friends across different social circles.

Something I do think is important is challenging gifted kids early. Cultivate a growth mindset. Let them struggle or even fail at something while the stakes are low. Since much came easily to me—grades, friendships, athletics—I never developed resilience or much of a work ethic. If something was too hard, I’d quit. Law school was the first time I was truly challenged. As a 1L, I felt I was at a competitive disadvantage to my classmates who showed up on the first day ready to work hard.

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