<p>We're used to our children living with us in our home. Chatting with them whenever we see them about what's going on at school and elsewhere. Whenever we see them. As seniors they are more independent so that's less than it used to be. Then they go off to college and ... poof! all that is gone. We are left with phone calls, emails or text. And we are told to leave them alone. I was lucky to "catch-up" w our Son last night. I went to Boston and met him for dinner. I'm lucky, I know. Classes start today so mostly we chatted about what he has been doing, the roommates, the new friends, recent activities, a campus job interview and getting around town. We chatted about the box of medical supplies and sewing kit which have already been used. Where and how he can get fresh fruit, the living conditions & sleep, etc etc. Nothing like a face-to-face one-on-one father-son conversation. Parenting changes ...</p>
<p>I’m a father also missing his son. He had a laid-back summer before college, so we spent a lot of time together. </p>
<p>The other day he texted me that he had a cold and/or allergies (stuffy nose, sore throat). I told him the usual things about sleep, chicken soup, etc. and he replied that he wasn’t looking for me to cure his cold long distance, but just to tell him “that sucks; hope you feel better.” When he was home, I would have made him soup and tea and probably gotten out the Mucinex – and I had to realize that I can’t do that long distance. As it happens, some of the kids in the dorm brought him various things to help, and by the next day he felt much better and was even more in love with his classmates and knowing that he was going to have a great 4 years. </p>
<p>It’s time for Dad to grow up 
</p>
<p>Hardest parenting moment when my now-junior left – when he called home with fever and cold and I couldn’t fix it. @ixnaybob, it will get easier. Celebrate that he has pals already who kept an eye on him. </p>
<p>I think I’ve got it easy; it’s mostly a matter of my dealing with missing someone I’ve enjoyed spending time with. He has his moments, but mostly he’s over the moon happy. </p>
<p>I feel for the students (and their parents) who are having difficulty adjusting to school and are wondering if they’re going to adjust. Happily, 99% of the time everything works out fine. All of my son’s friends who went through a rough patch for the first week or so are fine now. </p>
<p>Yep, the worst part is my never ending curiosity about stuff that there is no way he’ll ever think to tell me … just day to day stupid stuff about the routine of his day, what life is like, etc. that you just <em>know</em> when they’re living with you. You see the grumpy moods and the happy ones; the times when they’re quiet and can’t be bothered, and the times when they’re fun to have around… And then you get a sample of them just once a week or so. One essay I read about his whole process summed it up pretty well … from now on, I will know him less than I ever have before … and I don’t want to know him any less. This hole in my life seems worse now than last week; he’s been gone long enough now that the permanence of it is starting to sink in. He’s happy and doing fine, and I am happy and excited for him … but I miss him.</p>
<p>I think it is difficult when they get hurt or are very ill. My boys seemed to start cutting the apron strings about age 15 whether I wanted it to happen or not, so I had 4 years of them breaking away before they actually left the house. But I’ve known a few people who really struggled emotionally when there kids left so can appreciate those that have more of a day-to-day issue letting go. Hang in there - your job was to raise them to be independent so if they are navigating college successfully give yourselves a pat on the backs. </p>
<p>ailinsh1 - you have summed up my feelings exactly. Over the years, my D has been away often for weeks at a time at camp - academic sessions at colleges, debate camps, etc. However, she has been gone since August 16 and I wont see her again for 23 days, 23 hours (I have a time tracker on my computer!!) when I go to Yale for a class reunion that has nothing to do with her and just happens to be during her freshman year.</p>
<p>I am glad I can come on here and “talk” to other parents (note I didn’t say moms) who feel the same way.</p>
<p>When I left for college 34 years ago, the parenting was done. Period.</p>
<p>Today, with email, texting, and Skype, I still feel fairly involved, much more so than I had worried about. Different, yes, but nothing like the old days.</p>
<p>I left for college in 1978. Different time. My mom, though extremely involved in my life, was no where as involved as I am in my daughter’s (or she was involved in her granddaughter’s until her death). Times change. I called home once a week on the rotary phone in my room. Today’s texts, Skype, and cell phones make it easier to stay in touch. It was like that in high school too. I’m not saying its good and I really try not to text or call her unless she initiates it. Sometimes I will text good morning or good night, but that is usually it unless she wants more. I hate texting, but we can go days without me hearing her voice. I am learning and adjusting. This is her time to grow.</p>
<p>During commencement, the parent speaker stated, “while you will no longer be the center of our day to day lives, you will always be the center of our heart”. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house after that, including the graduates.</p>
<p>I also read that essay about “knowing them less”, the mother with 3 sons. It touched me so much, I saved the essay and sent it to 3 friends. It articulated how I felt very much. So much so, that it softened me towards my own elderly parents who drive me nuts sometimes. I loved the part where it said something to the effect that nothing in their lives is too uninteresting to parents. That is how I feel…nothing they said is uninteresting to me and i want to know it all. Same with my parents, so I’ve been more “open” about my life lately, rather than just saying “all is fine”. I want to know details, so i assume they do, too. It was a wonderful article. Wish I knew how to link it here.</p>
<p>During dinner we chatted about the transition for both of us (or maybe it was just me) and I mentioned that 25% of the family is gone. And while we miss him, we don’t want him back, he laughed, and I explained, well none of your friends are here anymore, and what would you do anyway go back to high school? It helped us both realize yeah, this is the right thing to do and the right place to be. Our cats are watching guard in his room, keeping his bed warm etc. My son was touched at hearing that and when we said goodbye he said something to the effect of, say hi to the cats for me. I know he misses them. Our daughter is very close with one of them and that separation will be difficult to witness. I was a commuter and working in my field before graduating HS so for me it’s all new and I ask questions from that stance of ignorance. </p>
<p>I have a tip on how to maintain more contact with your kid. Don’t expect long conversations, heart-to-hearts, or catching up very often. Focus on short conversations by phone or text on minor topics–just the sort of stuff you may have discussed in passing when they were at home. Encourage them to call you when they are walking across campus, and react cheerfully when they ring off after just a brief exchange. If you want to hear from them, don’t text “how are you?” Instead, text, “What was the name of your soccer coach in middle school?” Another option is to friend them on Facebook–which they may let you do if you promise not to post anything.</p>
<p>I admit, it’s been 2 weeks but I still feel like she’s going to walk in the door any second. I do get some contact from her every day. Most of the time it’s just 3 lines of text or a silly picture she’s sent. She called me once to share some exciting developments. We did a family Skype session last night which was a little hard for me because she’s got a nasty cold and my instinct to “mother” her were hard to squelch. I’m trying to soak it in now as I’m sure that contact will lesson as time goes.</p>
<p>What’s really weird is all the extra time. D’s schedule was crazy and we shared a car so I had to keep that crazy schedule in my head at all times. She was always performing or speaking so always some audience we needed to be in. Life was juggling when she was at home. Now, her google calendar has been disconnected from the family page and the 3 of us find ourselves staring at each other not sure what to do!</p>
<p>I am my D’s Facebook friend and also was allowed to “friend” her 3 best high school friends as long as I promised never, never ever to post or like anything on their page. They don’t post much on FB anyway except for pictures. It is good to see all of them with their “new” friends at their colleges, especially since they had been friends with my D since Kindergarten and all were afraid of going out in the world and making new friends.</p>
<p>@Tperry1982, I once accidentally asked a friend of his to be my friend. They accepted before I could retract it. Sometimes, when you’re using an iPad in bed, held up over your head, your fingers press buttons you didn’t intend to. Anyway, the friend understood that I didn’t want to cramp DS’s FB life, and we harmoniously de-friended. That was in HS, and I think I used up my “iPad error excuse.”</p>
<p>And THEN, after I thought I had mastered the parenting the young adult college student thing, DS goes and graduates, gets a real job, a girlfriend and moves out. All good but different again.
He is teaching me, although I’m NOT such a quick study on this subject.</p>
<p>That’s me, musicmom. Ds2 has started sophomore year, and we’ve only spoken one since he left (though plenty of texts), but ds1 has graduated and moved home. He has a job but is saving money living with us, and I was so wound about him coming home. I didn’t want him to revert to his former, dependent self, and I didn’t want to over-insinuate myself into his life. It’s wonderful having him back home – especially this more social, confident self! – but I’m still negotiating how much to “help” him out.</p>
<p>It never ends, does it???</p>
<p>wifey daughter and I are having dinner together tonight. kind of a re-connect - re-envision the new nuclear family. shud be interesting. hopefully she’s not dreading it … :)</p>
<p>I have twin daughters who are freshman. It is so hard for me to wait days to hear from them.</p>
<p>It was much harder recently moving my son to Manhattan for his permanent job than it was putting my daughter on a plane back for her sophomore year of college. It seems much more permanent, even though I have an older daughter living her adult life 4 hours away, maybe because he is a lot less communicative than the daughters with us. </p>