<p>Oh my, I’ve not been keeping up with the thread. My condolences for the losses (and the utmost respect for all the unsung heros represented here).
I have been in the middle of a flurry of activity for the last month. I moved my mother out of assisted living (she was “being poisoned” and otherwise “harassed/threatened” by her estranged D-in-Law and by extension by the facility since they “permitted it.” She moved in with us (1200 away) for a visit (2 weeks, according to her; until she was well, according to me).
Thanksgiving and her birthday went pretty well as we surrounded her with people, grandchildren, etc. Now as more normal activity has resumed, and she has so far rejected activities outside the house, and I’ve been unable to get home care initiated (slow, slow slow), the delusions have picked up in intensity.
A couple of days ago, she was berating me for lying (when I said I had not heard anyone knocking at the door, to explain why I hadn’t answered it), my husband yelled at her for mistreating me and loudly told her to go to bed.
Big mistake!
Now she has packed up, indicating that she’s not welcome here. She has been oblivious to all of husband’s apologies for yelling, etc (he and I are now the enemy).
ARGH!</p>
<p>Jasmom,</p>
<p>You have to remember that your mother is no longer rational (based on your description) so no amount of apologizing will help. Also, your husband was right to defend you (when your mother accused you of lying) but again, both of you need to always remember that you are not dealing with a rational person. </p>
<p>With this in mind, how you handle your mother will need to be completely different than is she were rational.</p>
<p>I wish you well. You do not have an easy path in front of you. Make sure that you take time to take care of yourself and your marriage.</p>
<p>Jasmom, so sorry.
You need to take the legal steps to protect your mom and yourself. Go ahead and get the guardianship/conservatorship started. You shouldbe able to get an emergency one in two days which only lasts a short time. The AL place will give you the details of her behaviors so that you can present it to the courts. It helped me to think of my mom as a toddler trying to make sense of the world and I wouldn’t let a toddler out into the world and I wouldn’t let them make decisions.
Where would your mom go? And who would help her get there.
And your DH is a good man to have her there and to stand up for you. My H won’t let Mom into our house, even for Christmas, says he will go to a hotel while she is here. He is done with her. ouch.</p>
<p>When someone has lost ‘it’ or some portion, everything needs to change. As people have said before, you visit them where they are mentally. I keep telling my in law not to bother arguing with their spouse, who needs to win an argument with someone who won’t even remember it an hour later, but the arguments continue. It is very difficult to remember there is no need to get emotional.</p>
<p>Even my mother who is totally with it needs to be treated like a toddler at times because she does not extrapolate well and needs to be reminded what’s going on.</p>
<p>Once I reminded myself to think of her as a toddler, I am no longer as frustrated.</p>
<p>All great advice. I’ve been too busy to update/respond. Wonderful reminder to take care of my marriage, and to appreciate that my husband’s instincts were to protect (even if the result was to speed the paranoia). Esobay, I plan to find the time to reread your experience with getting guardianship. I’ve been reluctant to initiate a process that is likely to end any semblance of cooperation. My mother settled down some. She awaits (fully packed) the person(s) she believes are coming to retrieve her.
I’m wondering if any of you have hired a geriatric case manager. Although I think it would be best for her to be here, she has the funds for 24-7 home care for at least several years. It would be such a relief to have her pay someone else to coordinate care.
I can’t sustain managing her care from so far away (it’s too draining and much too time consuming). Yet I truly understand her desire to be in her home community and own house. Of course she doesn’t remember how miserable she was when relatives rarely visited and she was suspicious of her home care workers and the evil ex D-in-L keep “breaking in and substituting her things” for my mother’s. I expect that 24 hour care will lead to increased paranoia and numerous fired home care workers.
I do frequently think of the toddler analogy. I also try to remember that mostly her threats, plans, etc are just words. Nevertheless, I worry that words can become actions.</p>
<p>I’m so grateful to all of you for this forum. My own mother is early on in dementia, but all of you are helping me to come to terms with this stage of life as just another stage of life that happens.</p>
<p>jasmom, reading between the lines, you’re pretty sure your mother is a not good candidate for returning to her home, but you’re trying to find ways to make yourself think she could go home. Trust your instincts.</p>
<p>Jasmom, the conservatorship was easier (and harder) than you might think. Yes, the court will send a “friend of the court” to come talk to your mom. They are trained to be diplomatic. When your mom goes off on the paranoia train, they have seen it before; it just strengthens your case. For my mom, she could sparkle on for 10 minutes, seems perfectly normal, has an answer for everything … but then it repeated the next 10 minutes. OK then. But the point is that THEY HAVE SEEN IT ALL, including, I suspect, people trying to railroad their elder into care so they don’t have to care and can get the money. I suspect the court can tell the difference pretty quick. And if your Mom was in AL for any length of time and especially if she was kicked out, you pretty much have a slam dunk because these people know the “magic words” to say .
I found out about “magic words” when fighting for the long term care insurance to kick in for my Mom, the insurance lady interviewed her and heard all about how she did her own laundry, no one helped her dress, etc etc etc and then the AL place showed the documentation of the number of times mom’s purse was “stolen”. Didn’t really help until a med aid put the “magic words” in and also faxed them to her Dr. I don’t know what words work, but they are crucial so ask for help from the AL place.
Good luck.</p>
<p>Thank you. Reassuring about the conservatorship process. Less adversarial than I imagined.
Day started with a bang as I awakened to my very angry mother fully packed and waiting for her ride (a fictional one). She had experienced some difficulty, reason unknown, turning on the light in the room, so naturally assumed we had sabotaged her on purpose for some nefarious reason. She was rips…t. Attempted to call police, had called relatives in FL.
I assisted her in calling police (since she claimed she was being abused). While police officer was here she accused him of deliberately blocking her rescuer from getting access to the door.
Ambulance was called. Spent next 5+ hours in the er. Some minor dehydration. Geriatric care manager will hopefully call tomorrow. Appt. set for tomorrow with her primary care doc. They prescribed 1 Ativan to use tonight. (I was tempted to use it myself).</p>
<p>Oh, my! Jasmom, that does sound like a really hard day. I really hope tomorrow goes better for you.</p>
<p>Oh no, jasmom. That sounds harrowing.</p>
<p>I am so sorry jasmom! How awful. I hope things with your mom settle into something resembling normal or at least, doable. My mom’s been here almost 9 months and we still have flare ups but it’s getting more routine. I do monitor her fluids since dehydration landed her here to begin with. Hope the doctor appt. goes well and the care mgr can be helpful to you.</p>
<p>Jasmom, sometimes things have to come to a dramatic climax before they can be addressed. A geriatric case manager is a good result of this upsetting event. My mother had the operator call the police in the city where she grew up because the police in the city where she now lives were “under my control”. This led to hospitalization, correct diagnosis, correct medication, conservatorship and 24 hour live in help. It was the most difficult thing I had to do, but 3 years later, it was the very best for her. Keep an eye out for increased irritability, this can sometimes be attributed to urinary tract infections,(many times this is the only symptom) or as in your mom’s case, dehydration. Keep us posted, we can offer support and suggestions of things that worked or were helpful in our own families. Sending hugs!</p>
<p>Poor Mom got another blow (and so did I). The house I grew up in (1956 move in) has been a rental for 10 years since my brother moved out (worse for him, he grew up in it, and then raised his family there for many years) BURNED down. This is the house that I spent hours in court getting the friend of the unhandy man to move out of since he never paid rent for the entire year. So got him kicked out in Sept, renovations and painting done, and a new tenant moved in first of November. … It was a chimney fire all the people got out OK, they are a brother and sister who have foster kids staying there. 5 kids. right before Christmas. Don’t think they got renter’s insurance.
Mom periodically thinks she still lives there (hadn’t for 30 years) still thought she had stuff stored there … and planned to move back “when she get better”.
I feel like a crumb for not rushing up there to hold her hand, but there honestly isn’t much I can do. I want to go up just after Christmas possibly with a kid and H would have a fit if I went up so often… Although I shouldn’t blame him, my decision. I just don’t want to go. My brother was JUST there in town and so he doesn’t want to go right back . 400 miles of snowy road for either of us to travel there. I could go next week, but that is the first weekday the kids will be back from college (although we do see DD much more often as her college is now near).
Just whining, don’t mind me… but if anyone suffered a house fire and has tips for dealing with insurance adjustors and/or renters in this situation , please let me know. I am leaving the property manager to deal with the renters, I gave them their security deposit back so that they could use it to get into another house. This one is most likely going to be torn down and not rebuilt. 90 years old farm house.</p>
<p>Hang in there, jasmom. It sounds like things may be moving to a workable resolution.</p>
<p>I second the advice on looking out for UTI’s. My 92yo mother was very irritable, out of sorts, and delirious for 2 days. When she complained that urinating was painful, she was immediately put on a bladder anti-inflammatory/analgesic until the urinalysis results are in. 24 hours later, she’s much better. Hopefully the culture results are in by tomorrow.</p>
<p>Esobay, so sorry about the house. Glad the tenants got out OK.</p>
<p>Well… this morning isn’t any better. Plus she’s refusing to keep the Dr’s appt. this afternoon. She’s called relatives in her home town, asking them to send police. I reminded her that she can do this herself by calling 911. Like ECmother, my mother believes our local police are under my control.
Geriatric manager has set an appt. for tuesday (so far away!). I called her attorney in FL, who knows nothing about conservatorship , but indicated that he’s been on her “out to get her” list before. He said he’d see if he could find referrals.
Just got an offer from one of her first cousins who said he’d move in, arrange caretakers, etc. if we’d let her move back to where she wants to be. I’m assuming he’s just naive (but realize he may also be out for some personal gain). Maybe I’d consider taking him up on his offer AFTER i get conservatorship.
Esobay. How awful! So glad everyone got out safely. So sorry for the loss.</p>
<p>esobay, so sorry about the house, but what I was thinking when I read the message is, “Thank goodness the family got out safely.” That’s the most important thing.</p>
<p>I’m sad for jasmom’s mom. Poor her, she is trying to make sense of the garbled memories she has. Jasmom, I’m sorry that you are going through this. It sounds heartbreaking.</p>
<p>Re: UTI. Not just a urinalysis. You need to request a urine culture.</p>
<p>Btw, my SIL was an eldercare social worker, working the hotlines and program management. Yes, they are very familiar with the sorts of suspicions and unfounded complaints someone mentioned. It can help if you keep a journal of issues.</p>
<p>CF, I do often feel sad for her as she seems to be miserable everywhere. And you are absolutely right, she’s trying to make sense of her recollections and her emotions.
(it’s easier to tolerate now that I’ve popped my hearing aids out). The non-stop accusations are tough, though.
Hmm re: urine culture. I have no idea what test(s) they did on her urine.</p>
<p>Lookingforward is right about needing a urine culture, not a urinalysis. It usually takes a couple of days to do the culture. That’s why I don’t know yet if my mother definitely has a UTI.</p>
<p>Yes, the non-stop accusations are tough, even when we know they’re not true. Keep your hearing aids out for awhile.</p>
<p>From what I understand (having lived through UTI nightmare for the last year with my mom), the doctor can tell right away if there is a UTI, but the culture is for the specific bacteria to make sure the right antibiotic is used. You can buy an OTC UTI test (sort of like a pregnancy test) that will tell you pretty accurately if an infection is present, but you will still have to go in for the culture. Turns out that my mother has no symptoms other than an increasing vagueness and “just not feeling good”. Then she winds up in the ER unconscious. Stay on top of it the best you can. The first time we took her in, the doctor was not going to test her because she had no symptoms. I insisted, she tested very positive and within 2 days was in the hospital for a week.</p>