<p>Writing up your questions and concerns for the doctor is a great idea. I started doing that, and then I would give it to the receptionist to give to the nurses before the appointment even started. Most often he would just tell me “I understand and agree with all your concerns,” but I figured he needed the info to help figure out proper care when she was still living alone. I had hoped that at some point he would ‘order’ her to assisted living, but apparently they can’t when the patient is completely resistant. The facility I chose makes their own determination of memory care vs. assisted living after their head RN makes a ‘visit’ to the home, then they helped me figure out a way to make it happen. Still the stuff of nightmares, but now a year later I know I am sleeping much better. It is just SO hard, and until you go through it you can’t really understand. </p>
<p>So I want to tell you eyemamom that I do understand, and I’m sure too many others here do too, and we’ll give you all the emotional support we can. </p>
<p>Also, there are very supportive and helpful folks on the Alzheimers Association site and their forums. I learned a lot from them too. </p>
<p>Update on my mom’s driving situation. I talked to my SIL (the nurse) and she had no idea my mom was driving. She had said very forcefully to my brother and my dad that my mom should not be driving unless she is cleared by her physician. And she agrees with me that my mom really shouldn’t have the keys back anyway – last time SIL rode with her before the stroke, Mom ran a stop sign. The primary care doctor had not wanted to make a decision on driving, so he referred my mom to some kind of testing center where they would make the determination (and she failed it a few months ago). My SIL knows the pirimary care doctor well and is going to call him tomorrow and let him know about this. She is pretty sure they (mom, brother, dad) have been keeping this info from her because they know what she would say (no way!). She also plans to have a “chat” with my brother about not telling her this.</p>
<p>We discussed other options for my mom (taxis, shuttle service in town, etc) and how she likely just doesn’t feel comfortable calling them because she has not done so before. So maybe we need to find a way to break the ice on that experience with her, too.</p>
<p>Sigh. Hoping we can get her off the road before something bad happens.</p>
<p>One thing you might do, if finances permit, is set up a scheduled driver to pick her up for her recurring social engagements. That is, if she has cards at 11:00 on Wednesdays, just schedule a driver to show up Wednesday mornings. You might even be able to do this remotely, or help your SIL and brother do it. If the transportation is set up for her, your mother might be less unhappy.</p>
<p>eymamom–my father moved into an apartment for about 2 months but then we (kids & he) decided he really really should be in assisted living. And one of his visiting nurses said she was “surprised” he hadn’t done that in the first place, instead of moving 2ce in a short period. Well, who knew?? My father, the eternal optimist, always thought he was going to get better, not worse (this is when he turned 90, mind you.)</p>
<p>So yes, agree that a move is the right thing, then do all you can to get an honest answer from the doctor as far as the best place for your mom, now and in the future. You don’t want to move her again in a short period when you discover she needs more or constant help.</p>
<p>Having a list of questions and concerns when you go in is a good idea. I’ve also found it helpful to have the doc write down her suggestions/orders, so that I can later show Mom that yes, the doctor really did say you should stop eating dessert twice a day.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, do you have a good relationship with your sister? If so, you might want to come to an agreement that in the future you’ll talk with each other before you make decisions or set changes in motion, like moving her.</p>
<p>Intparent, yay for your SIL. I guess everyone will have to make a plan for how to keep the keys away from her, which your dad will have to implement. It sounds like she’s going to drive if she can, regardless of what anyone says. </p>
<p>The one thing that worked with my recently deceased super-senior was having her attorney point out that her entire estate was at risk if she was at fault in an accident. He managed to word it as " one accident and you risk becoming destitute in a lawsuit" worked.</p>
<p>Sigh, now I need to take notes for the parents who spent 20 years caring for her!</p>
<p>Thank you all, I’m so frustrated and there were several good suggestions here. I like the idea of giving the note to the nurse. I think I may write a short sweet letter to her doc and just hand it over when we check in. My mom believes the decision is hers alone to make, there is no convincing her otherwise. The sister there now enables her bad decisions all the time. My mom has congestive heart failure, several heart surgeries and RA - all which cause shortness of breath. Throw in the other stuff and she’s just in chronic pain. Which the doc knows as my mom is there constantly. I said last night I’m good for one move. This move to the apartment is ridiculous and not thought out but my sis feels like we just have to do what mom wants, not what makes sense for longer than a month or two. She also thinks if the sis who lives in town would just go every day to see mom, do her laundry, get her groceries, put them away, pick up a little, make a little something for her to eat…lol…then things would be fine. Mom also thinks she’s going to get better but the truth is she’s going downhill at a precipitous rate. I want to visit and be able to visit, not be pinch hitting on all these daily living issues. My husband is ready for everyone to play hardball to get her to understand the situation by leaving her completely alone for a few days to see for herself. I’m not ready to do that.</p>
<p>Hmm, @dragonmom, the liability angle is a good one, might work. My mom is actually not the one behind this, I think. I mean, she SAYS she wants to drive, but if my dad said no, she would not do it. And if he says okay, she will. (That kind of old-fashioned marriage…). So my dad is the one who made the decision to allow it, there is really no question.</p>
<p>eyemom - you should leave her alone for a day or two. Tell sis to take care of her - even though she’s far away. You need a break, your husband needs your attention for one day, and your mom needs to realize for herself that she cannot keep this up. Then instead of moving her into the apartment, move her into assisted living. Tell her (and sis) it’s just a different kind of apartment. Don’t let sis decide - You tell her what is going to happen, not the other way around.</p>
<p>@PhotoOp, @eyemamom lives far away. The enabling sister is the one who is nearby. But that sounds like a good idea, assisted-living-as-apartment. Maybe something to propose to the enabling sister?</p>
<p>Yes, the enabling sister lives further away than me. Other sis and I have resigned ourselves to letting them make whatever dumb decisions they want, and this sis has been told it is her mess to deal with when it falls apart. I’ll be up there this weekend and see if I can talk to my mom about my concerns. She’s of the mind it’s no one elses business. I’m hoping the doctor puts her on an anti-depressant when he hears what I have to say. Now whether she’ll take it is another question.</p>
<p>I’m in my 40’s and here’s my plan - lol Stay active! I walk several nights a week with hubby or daughter about 2.5 miles, keep golfing, keep active. Find a place to live that has independent living through nursing care when I get older! My d keeps telling me I better not do this to her. Oh and drink more, I definitely think I need to start drinking more :)</p>
<p>@eyemam I think drinking kept me a little more sane, seriously! Now my waistline needs me to cut back. And things are better.</p>
<p>Re stopping the time-to-quit driver, It just HAS to be done. The risk to everyone and the estate is not worth it. My mom, though, after I turned her into the DMV, told herself that he had a temporary permit and went on driving even though she seemed to understand about the risk to the estate… she just couldn’t / didn’t want to accept it and that was also another marker for the dementia . And another point for me to get the guardianship over her.</p>
<p>@oldmom, hope you are doing OK, and sending a boost.</p>
<p>Thanks, @esobay. I’m ok, although recovering from bronchitis, ugh. My brother (not the disowned one)'s health is precarious which is troubling, but I am hanging in there.</p>
<p>eyeamom - I know what you mean. My mother’s lack of exercise all her life led me to start exercising in my 20s and never stop. My daughter at 21 is already making plans for how she is going to take care of me! Yikes, am I that old???</p>
<p>Oh my daughter just sits back and tells me I better not do this to her! I’m getting more resigned to my lack of control and influence on this decision. What really bothers me is that I believe multiple moves can be very difficult cognitively on the elderly. If mom has to move soon after moving in, I think that will be really tough on her. </p>
<p>So my parents were going to come to visit me. They needed to fly.(we have done it together once a few months ago but the visit needed to be cut short due to weather). I arranged for assistance at the airport and of course I was going to meet them at my end. My parents had an argument the night before and said they were not coming. I took out insurance but of course it won’t cover for changing your mind. Anyway I can get the cost of tickets refunded?</p>
<p>Unfortunately in this day and age of non-refundable tickets it’s highly unlikely. A lot of times the insurance has a fee so you may get to apply the paltry sum to a ticket later on. I’m sorry they cancelled, that must be very disappointing.</p>
<p>I’m on my way to spend until Monday with my mom. I think everyone is finally getting on board but the last hurdle is that everyone is giving a lot of lip service about hiring help, but nothing is actually happening towards that. I can live with the apartment, but getting from her situation today, to being there with hired help could be a treacherous one. </p>
<p>I’m back East now, visiting my Mom and my sis and getting ready to go on a family vacation. As I deal with my Mom, it’s clear how much a saint my sister is for having to do this day in and day out. It’s the little things: Mom insisting she can walk by herself instead of being dropped off at the door, then staggering along exhausting herself at half a mile an hour while we all have to dawdle next to her; Mom insisting on buying things no one wants (like cheap overpriced watches on a cruise); Mom getting all in a panic about some little thing. </p>
<p>We’re all going to a lovely resort hotel, but it’s now clear we’ll have to switch off more or less babysitting Mom. It’s going to be great, though. Gorgeous location, fantastic food, hiking, nature walks, mountain biking for me, and lots of other activities. I’m happy that we can give this family reunion to Mom while she still has capacity to appreciate it, and appreciate all of us getting together.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang–your vacation reminds me to either take that cruise with my kids NOW while I can still keep up with them, or tell them NOW not to do a big vacation deal when DH and I get old and slow. I sure don’t want to be a drag on an expensive trip when I can easily enough be a drag on them at home. ;)</p>