<p>Mom was admitted. I’m staying at her place while being the main in charge person at the hospital. Everyone thought it was something different. It is her congestive heart failure and a weakened heart muscle. They believe the main cause of weakness was her not drinking and I told them she only takes a bite or two at meals. She perked up a lot yesterday - being carefully watched, waited on hand and foot and even got up quite a bit and walked around. So far she is agreeing now about needing help. I ratted her out, in a pleasant way, to all the docs. Phrasing in the way, I’m leaving Monday and I’m worried about leaving her on her own. She doesn’t leave the couch at all, literally only to go to the bathroom. She is on board with the case worker coming in to help her figure out what to do. She wants to go to this apartment building, though the docs are saying with me assisted living. But in any case, when she’s released, she still has to come home to a 3 story place with 4 sets of stairs that she can barely get in and out of. She is actually relaxed and okay with me and open to talk because I don’t get stress in my voice and do the “I feel” and if this were me in your situation what would you want for me. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to be a burden to us, but many people have told her, by not getting help you are making everyone worry and get upset. Hopefully I can push this over the finish line and get her help or set up somewhere. Weekends are the worst at the hospital, no one is around. I don’t know how much longer they’ll let her stay when they’re just monitoring, no one is adding or subtracting meds. But I can tell you it’s actually a relief to have her safe somewhere. </p>
<p>Happy mother day!</p>
<p>esobay- I have a credit to be used for one year. I m trying to get change fees lifted. I needed to ask what happens if one of them passes before the year is up - If that happens I can get a refund.</p>
<p>Things are just so out of control and crazy. It’s one thing if you are dealing with one disease, but our problems are so much worse. We have to take it one hour at a time. My father is currently with my sibling. I need to fly there tomorrow because he doesn’t know how to handle all the craziness.</p>
<p>eyeamom, what a relief! </p>
<p>You are NOT ratting her out by making the doctors aware of her living conditions. That is important medical information in her case, and they need to know. In fact, I believe they are not allowed to discharge her back to her home if they’ve been told there’s no one there to care for her. Make sure they know that!! Do you have the social worker’s contact info or does she have yours?</p>
<p>It is harder to get hold of someone on the weekend, but I’ve talked to a doctor on a Sunday before, so it’s possible. Be insistent. If you can’t talk to the doctor or the case manager, ask for the nursing supervisor. Ask him/her to make the doctor aware that your mom is not capable of caring for herself and, as of this point, has no one to help her. AND ask him/her to place a note in the chart clearly stating that.</p>
<p>At hospitals, you often have to make some noise to get attention. And you often have to say the same thing over and over to different people. Don’t be shy about it. </p>
<p>Rockymtn- at my father’s dementia unit, the director is an advocate of “therapeutic fiblets” that reduce stress for residents and family members. I have seen them bring much peace in challenging situations. </p>
<p>Very disconcerting to have POA be disregarded by the banks. Years ago, I managed my parent’s Schwab account very easily by having a POA and doing simple Schwab paperwork. The phone service was exceptional and I never had to re-visit the authority I had to act on their behalf. I guess things have changed. I think that Social Security may also require a separate procedure from a POA. Last I spoke with them, they told me that I would have to go the office in person, bring a letter from parent’s dr. stating incompetence, could bring durable POA, but that it had little bearing on their decision. If this is becoming true for more and more organizations, it becomes almost unmanageable. I thought that was the whole point of a POA. It penalizes the high percentage of caregivers who are doing their best for the elders who delegated them in the first place, as well as the elders themselves. Thanks for highlighting this issue, HImom.</p>
<p>eyemamom, good for you. You’ve gotten a lot done on your visit! During my dad’s final hospital stay, they were doing discharge planning to a rehab before he had the stroke that did him in. There was no question whatsoever of sending him home. Rehabs are paid for by Medicare, no question, and they are a logical stepdown when a patient no longer needs the level of care at a hospital.</p>
<p>What really helped with my dad, when he would say he didn’t want to burden me and then create an emergency situation was to explain to him how much better it was to know right away whenever there was an issue so I could work around my own needs and take care of it for him before it got worse. Of course that might not work for everyone and it didn’t always work for him–he would think that he could handle it on his own, not just to make it better for me but because he wanted to be the master of his fate. But he just wasn’t, not anymore.</p>
<p>Good luck, and Happy Mother’s Day to you and everyone here!</p>
<p>One of my friends runs an org that helps elders with finances as a nonprofit org. He has run into countless snags to get durable power of attorney recognized and hates that he often has to waste client time and money going to court to get guardianship because the durable POAs aren’t recognized. We just don’t want this issue arising and are doing what we can to prevent it. H has always hated attending to financial details, tho ironically, he is the accounting major. I’m fine with doing them but prefer not to have to have them talk to him and me to get things done. Conference calls are just more cumbersome to arrange and conduct than just getting things done. </p>
<p>I’m at her place taking a break. Mom was so exhausted but I knew she was excited having me there she was struggling to keep her eyes open. I talked to her nurse and reiterated her living situation and she had no way to feed herself or take care of herself at home. Mom, niece and I discusses “failing” the evaluation so she could get sent somewhere while she recovered and we found her a place to go. We actually had a good laugh over it. Truth is she doesn’t need to try to fail but she’d be happy to think she got one over on someone. I nearly strangled my brother with my bare hands. I was talking to my mom about what to do and he chimes in, don’t worry about it mom, it’ll take care of itself. And he leaves. Even the nurse chimed in, easy for him to say when he isn’t the one doing anything. How can we have so much family here and I’m actually worried about her getting a ride home from the hospital.</p>
<p>eyemamom, when are you leaving? Even if you will be gone tomorrow, call the discharge planning office at the hospital first thing tomorrow.</p>
<p>Yes, be sure the discharge planner is crystal clear about the lack of help at home. </p>
<p>You should have access to the discharge planner’s voice mail. Has your mom been admitted for 3 days? The key phrase to use is, “It is dangerous for her and not safe for her to return home at this stage in her recovery”. Practice saying it firmly. Repeat it over and over no matter what they tell you about discharge to home, don’t waiver! If they can place her in rehab, it will help with her nutrition and physical therapy. The social worker at the rehab facility will work with you to either change your mom’s living situation or give you time to get the help in place that you need. Medicare will pay up to 21 days of rehab if she has been a full hospital admit for 3 days, it has to be justified every few days by team meetings.</p>
<p>@eyeamom, yes the repeat firmly state and/or asking what ELSE can I do to every nurse, social worker, billing person in the hospital will often work wonders. And if your brother is younger, go pull his hair for me. If he is older, kick him in the knee. </p>
<p>I just dealt with a phone crisis caused by Mom’s ability and delight in lying. And the change of staff that has occurred fairly recently in the management and front desk staff. </p>
<p>angry angry angry >:( >:(
Talked to Mom yesterday, she was a little squirmy but not too bad. It was a pretty short conversation though.Told her to get her package because I had proof it was delivered yesterday. She said she can’t because she lost her purse when JH took her to Idaho last week with her keys in it. (she lives in OR, and no way did she go out for a long trip, it just shows how confused she is after dealing with him)</p>
<p>(side note, JH is her old neighbor , that she always said she hated, but he is pursuing her, taking her out, had her living with him two years ago before I found out and locked her up and got the guardianship. We bro (yes I pull his hair in my mind) and I both told this old coot not to take her out of the place. And told staff to block it)</p>
<p>…
…
Say what??!! Last I’d heard earlier in the week she had told JH not to call her anymore. Guess she said that because she knew that was what I wanted to hear. </p>
<p>I called the front desk and she had indeed gone out with him last Friday. Despite there being a standing order that he NOT take her out… new girl on the desk. So the manager of the day called me back and started telling me that they couldn’t stop Mom because she is her own guardian and I interrupted right then. Very tight voice, but I managed not to scream at her :
No, I am the guardian, and there is a standing order that she not leave with JH. Then the manager sounded relieved (I had said JH is as crazy as Mom is) and manager said JH is rude and disrespectful to the staff and she has no problem telling him NO.
And while I was on the phone with the manager, I get a call from JH’s cell phone and it is Mom saying JH is going to take me out for ribs. Her, I did come very very very close to screaming at. I said NO NO NO, every time he takes you out something bad happens. You are too tired today, you will not go. And let me talk to JH. He hung up on me and wouldn’t answer when I called back. But the staff got there and he called back all apologetic and how he didn’t realize and blah blah blah. And the staff cleverly sent a med aid who took Mom’s temperature and then told them both that her temperature was elevated so Mom should stay in and rest today. </p>
<p>I am so mad. and mostly mad at Mom, she is still a sneak and delights in getting away with stuff even to her own detriment. At least he brought back her purse. </p>
<p>But for those of you on the fence, sometimes the best defense for the vulnerable elderly is a good offense. I was so glad I had the guardianship in place. Got it for other legal reasons, but also so that she can’t go out and sign over her estate to the neighbor. I think I could have gotten it even if she had fought me on it, now she has forgotten that she gave it to me in a weak moment and she has proven to need it, so she can’t take it back, even when she gets mad at me. </p>
<p>On the phone today, all my mother needs is a trip for summer shoes. Except that when I say, “ok,” it’s like the dam breaks- “I really need your help.” Multiple dentist visits set, some rehab 3x/week for swollen legs, then a knee exercise program. No groceries/waiting for a delivery, ride service set/ride service not convenient, wants “a knight on a white horse” to rescue her/won’t let anyone help her. When I reminded her she was to agree to a free consultation with my estate guy, she says I’m talking to her as if she’s a child. </p>
<p>The icing is: LF, you don’t know what it’s like to be older (believe me, I am old enough to know life is tough,) you have two daughters who will help you when you’re my age. “When i gave you my [22 year old] car, the deal was you’d drive me places.” I try, D2 tries.</p>
<p>It’s manipulation. Remember, she cancels nearly every meet up, including those med/rehab visits. She had D2 on deck all week to take her for errands, then set yesterday, then (you guessed it) cancelled. And I’m on the phone repeating to myself, “No, not going to get suckered into this depth all over again.” But how to exert control without being the wrong sort of controlling? How to help?</p>
<p>I’m venting. No one needs to say anything. Everything is either the tsunami of expectations/complaints or the figurative door closed, plans cancelled. I hate always needing to be on my guard. It would be a lot simpler if she’d let us help. But I don’t think that’s her goal. So the net-net is she wouldn’t set a time to go look at shoes. I;m going to try the advice here to offer some sort of limited choices. But she’s so smart at this. </p>
<p>I just needed to vent. </p>
<p>One of my sisters and I have been talking about hiring an aide for my mom. Any suggestions about how to find one? </p>
<p>Esobay, what a disaster with this guy JH. Is it possible to get a restraining order issued? @Looking forward, we went through similar situations with my mother and aunt. In my mother’s case, I kept in close contact with her doctors. She always liked taking medicine, when the prescriptions ran out, she would cajole the office to order renewals for “just one more month” with the promise to reschedule the cancelled appointments. I asked the doctors not to renew unless they saw her. That littlle dance went on for about a year until her health both physical and mental declined and she was admitted to the hospital. At that point, we were able to get guardianship and she returned home to a live in aide. The aide would get her up and ready for the appointments, it was still a battle for about another year until her dementia progressed and she was more compliant. Then it became an issue to get her out of the car to go back into her house as she believed that it wasn’t her home! It’s year 4 now since her aide has been with her and it’s always an adventure. My aunt however is just a nasty old lady. I tried for a year to explain, plead, bargain, etc. to get her for her appointments. When she had her stroke 2 years ago, she had no power of attorney, no will, a lien on the house because taxes hadn’t been paid in years, no federal or state taxed filed in 5 years, money in uncollected funds accounts, etc, etc. I came in and just took over, got an attorney and an accountant to visit her in the hospital and straightened things out. She wanted to go home after rehab. We went through 9 aides and 3 agencies because she is so nasty and racist. After I was injured last fall, I put my foot down. I hired my mother’s aide’s sister, flew her in from Miami to CT and said it was this way or an extended care facility. She threatened to call the police, I said go ahead and meant it. (It also helps that my brother is a retired police officer and the former chief of police is my best friend’s husband). I had documentation of her diminished capacity and was ready to go to court for guardianship. She is 98 years old, my mom is 88, I have been pretty much dealing with all of this my mother’s decline in mental status 7 years ago. My brother finally would come and help with grocery shopping every 2 weeks during 3 of the last 4 years for my mother until he was diagnosed with lung cancer last spring. He has visited my mother once since then. The aides that care for my mother and aunt are sisters and are wonderful and we are blessed to have them. My mom’s aide wants to retire in November and I don’t know what we will do without her. I hate the thought of searching for someone I can trust who will care for her half as well. Finding a trustworthy, knowledgeable and kind aide is VERY difficult. </p>
<p>Wow. Complexity and tenacity abound here. So hard when there is no judgment, yet enough momentum to create problems. I am impressed by all the “work arounds” in place to keep elders safe. </p>
<p>As to where to find aides, here are some options:
-assisted living directors often have experience with individual aides or agencies that their residents use
-city or town Council on Aging or Elder Affairs offices have lists
-hospital or rehab facilities discharge staff
-clergy may have ideas or parishioners who do this work and are known
-some doctors may have info</p>
<p>Good luck! </p>
<p>Hospital and rehab discharge planning offices often have a lot of experience with agencies for aides.</p>
<p>The case managers at a local hospice may also be able to suggest a person or a reputable agency.</p>
<p>Well will wonders never cease. I had to leave, my sister who is in town had to work, so my brother actually went to the hospital to take care of things and talk to the dr’s and case manager. I think mom will be moved to cardiac rehab. We found a place for her to go that we’re working on right now, and I just got off the phone with a home health aide that seems to offer everything we need and can increase in skill as her needs progress. Phew! This has been a wild ride! </p>
<p>eymamom, I’m so glad your brother stepped up to the plate when you needed him to, and that things seem to be working out. Hope the transition goes smoothly for your mom, and for <em>you</em>!</p>
<p>Hurrah! Sometimes things DO work out when things are looking extremely bleak. So glad your brother has stepped up and that you found a place that you feel good about. It must be SUCH a relief!</p>