<p>Sometimes a major moving co can take an odd piece when they have someone else’s load scheduled. Haven’t looked into this in a long time. last time we checked, FedEx has size limits when you want to order the pick up/ship and you have to pack it yourself. You have to ask them and UPS, etc But sometimes an expediter (middleman) can manage the order. I don’t think any of this is inexpensive. How far? We’ve rented a UHaul when it was between AZ and CA. Sentimental is tough.</p>
<p>My kids are saying they’ll take care of me when I’m older. Eek. The first time they said it, I got a cold chill, thinking of how challenging my mother is and how I’d hate to do that to them. But as someone said, we have the advantage of seeing our elders and maybe being proactive. Here, we’re also cleaning out the old stuff and paring down.</p>
<p>Dietz, yes, some days do just get to you. Someone says just exactly the wrong thing, or too many things come at once and overwhelm you, or you suddenly feel really alone. Those are rough.</p>
<p>@dietz199 I am so sorry you are having such emotional baggage thrown at you.</p>
<p>My concern would be to be protective of the hired help, and have them give you feedback if mom ‘misbehaves’. As embarrassing as this is to you, many have seen this with other people. Can your mom be in a different room when the housekeeper is there?</p>
<p>Some dementia people do get very mean. Are there any quick and easy ways to sooth her? Does she realize that if she wants to stay in her home she has to be nice to the help that comes in? Or is she one that wants to push the envelope, push her agenda, etc.</p>
<p>My one sister carries a lot of bad feelings, and now has limited emotional energy - including completely ignoring another sister (no idea what has set sister off).</p>
<p>Another thing to watch out for, dietz, is your mother accusing the housekeeper of crimes. This is common with dementia patients; they misplace something, or forget that it is long gone, and then accuse aides or family members of stealing it.</p>
<p>Mom is pleasant with other people. She is not argumentative or in any way verbally or physically threatening. She’s only confronted this one assistant one time. The current assistant wants to be more of a nurse than home helper. Mom needs someone to help clean, do laundry and drive her on errands. She baths, cooks and handles her other personal needs quite well on her own. Frankly, I’ve just sort of put the whole thing on the back burner. We had a college move out, a graduation (to which we brought both MIL and mom - which required an extra 8 hours of driving on H’s part), and then a family vacation. I figured she was getting to her doc appointment and grocery shopping so she could just tough it out for a bit. I’m going to be at her home tomorrow - unannounced - when her when the helper arrives.</p>
<p>No, mom would not and never has let lose on other as she feels free to do with me. She has great ‘company’ manners. I’m just the lucky one I guess. 8-| </p>
<p>Oh yeah, on of the tasks assigned to sibling has now gone critical. My regular check of mom’s finances shows dad’s pension fund is now taking money OUT of her account. Sib was supposed to determine if there was a survivor benefit or if everything stopped DOD. Well, guess it’s my problem now. As someone said upstream…it really does become better when you just accept it’s all on you and do what needs to be done.</p>
<p>The struggle this has introduced between H and I is one of boundaries. I started saying NO or limiting options a while ago. I’ve also stopped taking on new issues that do not directly and in an important way, affect either mom or MIL. </p>
<p>As an example. … mom has a rather mentally unstable sister in ‘the old country’. This aunt had health and legal issues which ramped up in the last 6 months. Mom was hinting that a lawyer needed to get involved, other relatives needed to be ‘managed’ etc. I told mom in no uncertain terms I was NOT going to get involved in something 6500 miles and an ocean away. I listened to the - short - rant of how I was selfish and smiled and basically said - thanks for the input. And …that was the end of that.</p>
<p>On the other hand…we brought MIL and mom to daughte’rs grad weekend. Lots of driving for my saintly H. It was a full weekend with some tightly scheduled activities. During our first lunch MIL announced she would like to go to Mass - to which mom immediately chimed in - ME TOO. I calmly stated they could go Saturday night and miss the dinner or Sunday morning and miss the grad ceremony. I’d be happy to arrange cab transportation. After the lunch H was upset. Basically he feels since they are old and it was a special event we should do all we can to accommodate their wishes. He gave them the option of going very very early on Saturday morning (which, if your Catholic you’ll know doesn’t ‘count’). He’d drive them at 5:30 a.m. to the 6:00 a.m. mass and then wait to take them back. I sat quietly and in the end simply said…okay…do you want me to arrange a 4:30 a.m. wake up call for you. And, please realize you will be tired and uncomfortable at dinner. And…that was the end of that.</p>
<p>I’ve been successful at putting constraints on mom. She will try to go into some issues on the phone - which never become clearer but only more muddled - and I’ll ask her to put it all into one pile and I’ll deal with it at my next visit. She’ll keep coming around to the subject and I’ll keep aborting it. H on the other hand will go down any gripe/grumble path and take on just about any fight at any time. But…we are making progress…trying more and more to meet each other somewhere in the middle of our comfort zones.</p>
<p>Brilliant, Dietz, at setting boundaries for your Mom, simply well done!. And now you know you gave that sibling a more than fair chance to be involved, so if you are the primary person you don’t have to feel guilty about cutting her out of it all.</p>
<p>There is a book by Henry Cloud “Boundaries”.</p>
<p>I figured out to give my mother two choices when she was on vacation with us at Disney World. She demanded to return to the room for a nap not 2 hours after being wheeled into the park. H was in such a tizzy with mom’s demands that he left our 7 and 9 year olds sitting ALONE instead of waiting for my return! So from then on, I gave her two choices and we were not working around her demands but accommodating her while working with our plans. </p>
<p>Mom always sucked up to men, so H tolerated mom better than most might otherwise (on one trip, she brought H a nice shirt and bought me NOTHING!)</p>
<p>Since I lived away, I took on the responsibility of having mom be on several group trips with people I knew (this was before her major decline). Mom had been difficult all the years I was growing up - very needy.</p>
<p>I should have set “boundaries” many years ago. When my son was born, a cousin told me that I had the perfect excuse to cut back waiting on family members. One of my biggest regrets is not listening to her. Through years of surgeries, military deployments, raising a child with disabilites, I put others before my husband and children. How I wish I could go back in time. Last Fall, I finally decided to let go of my need to “fix things” and let go of the guilt if I didn’t act quickly enough. I fell backwards off a ledge while hiking and suffered fractured ribs, and a concussion. An Aunt (98 yrs. old) passed away while I was recovering and I did not arrange for my mother, (88 yrs.)and another Aunt, (96 yrs.) to travel to the wake and funeral, I also did not go. I hired a caretaker for my Aunt, (this was now the 14th or 15th caretaker because she was so nasty to the others, 2 even ended up in the ER with chest pain), and told her if she wanted to stay in her home that this was her last chance, I also did not answer her calls for 2 weeks.</p>
<p>Rockymt. can the post office hold the mail for your mom? How about changing her address to a post office box in your town?</p>
<p>I second the ‘Boundaries’ book by Henry Cloud.
That book can be a lifesaver. Literally. No, you are not being a bad child by putting boundries around the demands of your parents/inlaws. It really is the best thing for all involved. Sometimes our parents need to hear no. </p>
<p>I got a degree in psychology and worked in psychiatric nursing - it was very helpful in understanding some of the family dynamics and mental illness (anxiety disorder, depression, bi-polar all within my immediate family). Mother and former SIL have been the neediest people I have ever met or interacted with.</p>
<p>Glad other posters here have found a place to vent and also confirm the need to take care of self and nuclear family.</p>
<p>Mail held limit is 30 days. I have a post office box I added her name to but there are certain things that won’t send to PO boxes like Medicare info I think. I reapplied for temporary mail address change again last night . I seem to remember that 45 days has to lapse after a year. She started to get mail for 3 months with varied comprehension.
Update the hospital is releasing her to the assisted living tonight or in the AM , we are going to try the regular one first instead of the memory care one… I really hope she does well…praying and I’m not religious.</p>
<p>My daughter sent me this article today. I found it well worth the time to read and share. However, in doing so, it is not my intention to start a debate.
Her grandfather died not too long ago and she watched his life be prolonged by medical interventions. They allowed him to live longer but his quality of life was just awful. He had a living will, but it was very vague so his wife didn’t actually know his wishes (actually discussing them when he was well would have required an understanding that he really was going to die at sometime - sigh. Denial is an amazing thing.) and so felt the need to ok every intervention, even when he clearly was in pain. It was awful to watch. She loved him dearly and saying good bye was just too hard and so she delayed it. Again and again - confident each time that he’d recover. </p>
<p>You won’t find much debate on this thread, Bookreader. My dad lived a month too long because my brothers weren’t quite able to believe what I was telling them about his condition, and about what the doctors were saying. </p>
<p>@LasMa- no kidding! Mom has been in the nursing home for 18 months (?) and when my sister has a good phone conversation with mom, always asks “She sounds so good, is she getting better?” To which I have to burst her bubble and say No, the only way for her out of this place is through death. Sad but true. I’m a horrible daughter for wishing that mom was in a better place. She is happy where she’s at but can’t walk at all and will only eat things that have the consistency of mashed potatoes. She has lost 30 pounds since she was admitted last year.</p>
<p>Like others on this thread, the only thing I can do is make sure I don’t leave things for my kids to do when I get that old.</p>
<p>My dad’s living will was extremely clear about his wishes. I was so grateful when it was time to talk to the hospice people after he had a massive stroke.</p>
<p>Has anyone else been in this situation? Mom has been in assisted living for almost a year and a half. LTC insurance has been paying for more than a year due to cognitive impairment and recommendation by neurologist. Now I get a phone call saying they are sending out a nurse this Friday to evaluate her after all this time. She has less than a year of being eligible for insurance payments under her policy. Are they worried she might have gotten better? The nurse is just contracted to do this, so she can’t really say much. I’m not sure how careful I should be about what I say to her. Mom definitely not better though.</p>