Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>My MIL waited until after our 2nd child’s 1st birthday and after her D left from a nice Thanksgiving visit with her to go back to SF to die quietly in her bed. My FIL waited until after he knew H and I had returned from a trip to Europe and were visiting him in the hospital before dying peacefully just before the hospital discharged him.</p>

<p>My SIL died quietly just after she had a nice weekend with both of her brothers, me and 3 of her nieces and nephews. She made sure she worked with the estate attorney and got her affairs in order as best she could, gave away her car, and gave away some artwork. She took some morphine to ease her breathing and died just as our airplane touched down in Honolulu after our visit with her.</p>

<p>My SIL’s grandmother was in her 90s or older & broke her toe and was in the hospital. She summoned all her relatives and loved ones to the hospital to bid them farewell, requested that she stop being given any nutrition (though she was in perfectly fine health other than the broken toe). She died the next night after saying her goodbye’s to all those who visited.</p>

<p>Another friend’s mom was in the hospital and not expected to live long. Her D was in SF but left a tape telling her mom how much she was loved and that it was OK to leave to join her beloved, deceased husband in heaven. She died peacefully in her sleep in the hospital, listening to the tape.</p>

<p>Yes, I do believe people can have some choice in when they decide to die vs. hanging on.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry for your loss artloverplus. </p>

<p>I’ve had my first medical crisis with my parents with early dementia who moved here 1 year ago. My dad, suddenly lost his ability to read. 5 hours in the ER later, we found he had a hemorrhagic stroke. It was just an overnight in the hospital as he seemed fine except for the reading, All evaluations were completed by 1p the next day and we waited most of the afternoon for discharge. Things went fine until the afternoon before discharge he started sun downing. I finally told them that if they did not get him out of there, I was leaving him under their care and not to call me. They can deal with the precipitous mental decline (had no idea where he was). </p>

<p>They agreed to let him go, I got him back to his apartment with mom, we went to dinner at the CCRC dining room, and things have gotten better. But he still thought he was on a “trip” and would forget he can’t read. People stopped and asked about his medical condition and he wondered why. </p>

<p>He was diagnosed with Amyloid Angiopathy. Apparently, amyloid, similar to plaques in Alzheimers disease, deposit in the blood vessels, weaken them, and cause bleeding. It is not a symptom of AD, but the neurologists seem to think it’s 2 sides of the same coin as they find often the Amyloid patients also have AD. So, now my dad seems to be set up for vascular dementia as well as AD. </p>

<p>I’m now wondering how I can do this by myself…This past 2 days was exhausting. Caring for dad was one thing, but mom needed someone to be with her (DH was wonderful but had to leave for a conference), bring her back and forth to the hospital, and I can’t set up a plan of care with the CCRC for episodic occurrences. I think I will start with a care conference with the facility to discuss options. </p>

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<p>GTalum. My heart goes out to you. It is so much more difficult to deal with two parents - no matter what their state of mental and physical ability - than to deal with one. And, although that sounds so ‘duh’ obvious, it didn’t become clear exactly how much more difficult two can be until my dad passed. </p>

<p>We had arranged for 5 day/week live in care during the last few months of dad’s life. Dad just couldn’t be left alone. It allowed us - or another caregiver - to take mom on outings, doc visits, shopping…all those things she liked to do but couldn’t with dad in tow. Two people have more than double the needs of one. Wish I could offer a solid solution…other than the often repeated…breath, take breaks and FORCE them to accept help.</p>

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<p>I saw a scary incident just now. A small car was making a left-hand turn and hit (grazed) a pickup truck that was not really in its way. “How in the world could they have done that?” I thought. Then the small car did not stop for the accident, but went on its way, veering right and then left again, hitting ANOTHER car, this time more severely than the first incident. </p>

<p>By this time I was part of traffic that was slowly trying to move around this maniac. I got a good look at the driver–a little old lady, gray-haired, barely able to see over the wheel. Someone right now is wishing they had taken her keys away sooner. :(</p>

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<p>GTAlum, good luck. Hoping the hospital gives you good help. It is really tough. Hugs.</p>

<p>momannoyed, . I hope they do feel bad, but they might not find out what happened! But I am thankful it wasn’t deadly to anyone or a pet.</p>

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<p>Artloversplus- condolences on your loss. </p>

<p>GTalum- sorry for how tough this is. A meeting sounds like a good idea. In my experience, hearing about options comes up in context of the “need du jour”. There are often possibilities I was unaware of until they were relevant. Unlike family members who may be new to these scenarios, they have seen most things previously. My parent’s AL has a list of drivers willing to transport residents; they are vetted by the facility and some were former employees and well known. My SNF father needs a medical consultation next week for the first time since I determined he was not able to get in and out of my car comfortably or safely. Staff knew the local ambulance service would transport him in a wheelchair car and made the arrangements. I’ll meet the car at the surgeon’s office… </p>

<p>Momannoyed- terrifying. We can’t assume we know how our elders drive if we aren’t with them to see it. I have a friend who visited her OOS mother, taking a ride with her to check this out. When daughter questioned her left turn on red, she stated it was legal in her state. End of driving career. If you can’t check, find someone who can. This is life and death. </p>

<p>Hang in there everyone.</p>

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<p>Elderly no-longer competent drivers are a real hot button for me. I have a permanent disability and might have had more injuries if not for the invention of airbags, due to a head-on collision with an elderly lady. I lived in a smaller town at the time, where people knew a lot about each other’s business. When a relative went to claim my personal belongings from what was left of my car, the garage mechanic told them this lady had already wrecked two cars of her own, so she was using her son’s car at the time. WHY would he continue to let her drive?? </p>

<p>Again, small town. While I was still hospitalized a friend told me she had been driving a few cars behind this woman and watched her weaving all over the place just like momannoyed described. This was long before the days of cell phones, but I suggest everyone make an effort to report these deadly drivers when they see them on the road.
Just please pull over before you text or call the police. :-)</p>

<p>GTalum, good luck with everything.</p>

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<p>One of my hot buttons too. Why did the son continue to let her drive? Because he didn’t want the conflict of taking it away. Mom would have been angry or sad or dependent on him for transportation and he just didn’t want to deal with it. Some people ignore the myriad warning signs, until they have “proof” – deaths or major injuries.</p>

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<p>I agree with you about senior drivers, but DH has been trying to get his Dad off the road for a while and so far, no go. We have spoken to all the doctors, we have spoken to their local friends about having a “you should not be driving intervention” and they say they do NOT support taking him off the road, we have told him he should let the full time in home caregiver drive, but he refuses and he is not incompetent, not such that we could tell him what to do. He lives in his own house and runs his own life.</p>

<p>We are very concerned he will hurt someone before he stops, but we have found no way to make him stop.</p>

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<p>Since I got my rant out earlier I will also say that I know how hard it is to keep a determined elder off the road. </p>

<p>My dad had 2 minor accidents in his declining months. I did place a call to the sheriffs office for any help in getting him off the road. They said they wished there was a way to do it, but there wasn’t anything that could be be done legally and to attempt to just take the keys away. </p>

<p>The general doctor was no help, told him it would be ok if he still drove locally for errands. :open_mouth: Finally a wound care specialist, after determining how much nerve damage dad had in his feet from untreated diabetes, told him ‘no more driving, ever.’ Dad said ok. Three days later he contracted pneumonia and died, but as was discussed earlier, I think that’s when he decided it was time. </p>

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<p>somemom, check your DMV’s website for how to report an unsafe driver. Some states even allow you to report anonymously. Maybe they will require a road test, and then you’d be out of the middle.</p>

<p>Dad’s doctors were pretty useless on this subject. They didn’t want to be the bad guy any more than we did. One doc said, “I’ve never seen him drive, so I can’t assess that.” Yeah, he only had peripheral neuropathy, terrible balance, loss of flexibility, many Rxs which affected mental function, and emerging dementia. What could go wrong?</p>

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<p>Esobay, I am frankly surprised how well things are going at the assisted living. Today was the second call (I called) since Wednesday. My mother actually said she met a ‘buddy’ and she is from the same street that my mother was from. They apparently eat together and roam around together. The assisted living is Catholic so they can go to mass daily if they want . I personally have no interest in religion but in this case a daily morning reason to get up, get dressed, eat, and go to mass is a blessing, I am all for it. I also signed her up for the hairdresser weekly because I know otherwise she will not wash her hair as often. If you would look at my mother there is no way you would think that her hair would matter. But she loves the attention and the compliments. Ahhh. Did anyone hear the sigh of relief?</p>

<p>Yes this is much like parenting…‘tough love’ is also a very interesting comparison. I think they associate not driving or taking away their guns with impotence. I wonder if men in NYC have the same issues. Do they have these same problems if they never drive or own guns? Maybe this is a wild west problem. What issues do people who live in big cities have that are similar to this?</p>

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<p>They take the subway and get lost!</p>

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<p>Ok, all ya’ll, I have a pre-AL question regarding aging and grieving and personality changes.</p>

<p>My Dad died a few years ago, it was patently obvious that my mother needed to move in with us. She is now nearly 90, walks just fine, does stairs just fine, seems not to have any dementia. What she does seem to have is lazy thinking. Ever since Dad died it is as if she has blocked off that entire part of her life. Food item after food item that she comments she “has never had” that I darned well know she ate or items that she “has never cooked” (um, white rice, oatmeal, nah.)</p>

<p>It’s really really odd. My kids and DH and I were always close to her, but now she is just a bit odd. I cannot put it into eloquent words, but the best I can say is that she is just not comfortable in her own skin. When you try to start a conversation, she gives short answers, maybe maybe in the car, 1:1, maybe I can get something going, but even that is less than half the time and incumbent on me to do all the work. In a group setting you get nothing.</p>

<p>When I say she seems all there, I really mean she does not seem to have any dementia, but she does seem to not want to think to hard, it’s as if the risk of being too connected is that she will be too vulnerable to Dad’s death or something like that. The problem is she makes comments about not really having many conversations with my DH and he complains about the same thing all the time. Like, “I thought I had a relationship with her, but she avoids me” and so I see the two of them wishing they had the connection they used to have and yet no matter what he tries, she makes no effort.</p>

<p>The kids are also noticing that it is really hard to talk with Grandma, no not that she is losing her mind, just that she acts like she has nothing to say. She still plays cards & does puzzles & reads books, she is not losing it in that way. But she is definitely losing her connection with everyone by being difficult & very awkward to be around. It makes me sad & frustrated, but I don’t know how to break through.</p>

<p>When someone new comes to visit she can have a lot to say, I think a big part of it is that she sees herself as doing nothing and therefore having nothing to say rather than realising she has a lifetime of experience to talk about.</p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

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<p>@somemom, it sounds like some form/degree of dementia to me (but of course I’m not there and I don’t know her!). Maybe she puts out a huge effort to communicate with a newcomer, but it’s too hard to do every day. Does she have a gerontologist? A neurologist?</p>

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<p>Rockymtn, that is awesome! </p>

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<p>@somemom, I agree with oldmom that your mother’s forgetting sounds like some form of dementia. You might forget if you’ve ever cooked wild boar, but not rice. (I’m presuming that rice was a normal part of her diet.) And if she does have some form of dementia, her brain is trying to cover it up, because that’s the way it works with dementia.</p>

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<p>But in addn to a diagnosis of senile dementia, it can be simple age-related- some loss of memory flexibility or depth is expected with age. Could also be illness or infection, meds- or depression. Etc. Is she happy? The elderly can mourn as long as the younger or be sad at how limited their lives have become- especially after a move from their home to a room in someone else’s, the loss of routine. And then detach. (One reason those IL/AL places encourage activities.) In all of us, depression can lead to memory faults. We used to find small house jobs for MIL, she felt useful. DH would engage her in specific activities. </p>

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<p>somemom, I second a workup- what I am hearing you describe is possibly apathy, poverty of speech, and memory issues? which can be depression or medical causes or neurocognitive decline. </p>

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<p>

From a few years ago … “Mom I know you’d like to back home and I wish I could help you move back now … however you can’t go back until it is safe for you to be in the house again … when it is safe for you in the house you can go back”. Of course, it was never going to be safe again … and for me it was a truthful statement even if it did not mean what my Mom thought it meant. </p>