<p>Yay Dharmawheel! Good job with putting some responsibility on your mother. </p>
<p>Interesting that the “power of her choice” was used to describe the care meeting. You actually enpowered her by researching and arranging for care options. I’m not sure you realize how powerful you are in your relationship with your mom. She will try her hardest to not let you know so don’t forget. </p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback. Yes, G Talum, I have been ruminating on how I enabled her to go the caregiver route, doing the research,getting women at the train station, communicating with the agent.l Certainly this was “enabling” but she knew about and insisted on the caregiver option from the word Go. I think the SW and her shrink would say it was reasonable for me to do this, especially with the determination in mind to step way back once she has her set up.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang, If I werent me, I would truly doubt how long the caregiver relationship will last. But, given my mothers health stays stable, I think it will last. The womanis highly competent (four reference letters that would bring tears to your eyes if you were a crier…ImNOT) and I’m sure she will psych my mother out very quickly. Overall I think my mother will be “nice” because she loves to be fawned over and says in restaurants (It truly disgusts me) I love to be waited on. I TOLD her if she LOSES This caregiver she is on her own with the agency to get a replacement and will have to pay $2000 again. All that being said, I know I have a responsibility to monitor and provide oversight of the caregiver. Will be watchful.</p>
<p>Ugh, got a prompt reply from the payroll agency about all the work I have to do with the IRS to be an"employer" Get numbers, fill out forms, provide info. The agent said it can be done by Thursday, starting day. I will do it myself or email it all to the lawyer if I dont care to.</p>
<p>i must add, I am in awe that you have had the patience and stamina to read through my LONG posts. Looking forward to writing and getting feedback has turned this project from being a nightmare to something, at times, enjoyable in a peculiar way (no I am NOT a masochist!) Not only have I gained immensely valuable professional guidance, but psychological clarity regarding critical choices. </p>
<p>I must say in the friendliest way, Im disappointed no one commented on the remarks my mother made about my young SILs death. When I told these stories to people in person they would assume a shocked expression, cover their mouths…be utterly speechless!</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I can only speak for myself, but yes, it was a totally horrifying remark AND I for one wasn’t so surprised given what you’ve told us about your mother.</p>
<p>I have a brother who is a very creative, narcissistic sociopath, and I can attest to the fact that it’s very difficult to deal with him because I just can’t twist my brain to analyze things the way he does. Of course that makes every single thing involving him excruciatingly difficult. When our uncle, with whom he had a long-standing feud, passed away, he said, “I hope he had a long and painful death.”</p>
<p>My sympathy and empathy.</p>
<p>I think any of us would have taken some steps, to ensure the 24/7 thing is started reasonably well. If we can, if we have those skills and when we feel it makes a difference. That’s as much for our own assurance, as for her needs. In your case, I think the key issues here were boundaries and balance. Your heart is in the right place. But the associated emotional cost to you has been high. I’m very glad you’re starting to catch your breath. Hugs for that.</p>
<p>About the SIL, yes, our hearts sincerely go out to you and her family for the loss. I’m sure you’re still adjusting to that, too. I think we were focused on you and your needs, at that moment. Your mother doesn’t have a filter. Filters come from caring about others.</p>
<p>A lot of what we deal with, with our advanced elderly parents- well, we try to put it in the right box. I’m thinking it’s not just boundaries between us and the other. It’s also the boundaries within our own thinking, how we compartmentalize. My mother’s reaction to DH’s death was all about her. And my brother across the country.</p>
<p>Dharma, I’ve been away during the exchanges here but want to say good for you in telling your mom that she will be on her own to handle the next round if she doesn’t help to make this route work. Also, what she said about your SIL’s death is cringe-inducing. When my Sib was diagnosed with ALS and asked mom to research it at the library, her response was something along the lines of “It costs seven dollars to get a library card! That’s too much.” ( same person who has donated 1/3 to 1/2 of her income to fake charities over the years.) I hope you can stay strong in stepping back from the daily involvement. </p>
<p>Mom has been living here for well over a year now. I feel bad that she doesn’t get out much but she never wants to go anywhere, even church most of the time. She can be trying at times, was downright mean on a recent trip, and my 3 sibs have zero involvement. Since my family cannot go on any trips now because someone has to stay with her, I was able to go away by myself to visit my D for a couple of days this week. It was an amazing feeling to have no responsibility for the 4 people at home. I enjoyed every minute and did feel a little down about returning home, but it will be ok. Mom asked me out of the blue if I was putting her in a home soon. She said she knows she’s not as strong as she used to be. I felt immense guilt because although I wanted to ship her right out after our recent bad trip, and do feel like our family dynamics have shifted in a bad way, I don’t intend to pursue that option until she is either unsafe (from falling or such) or mentally/physically declines to where she needs more care than I can give while needing to work full-time. I feel guilty wanting my old life back and horrified that some day my kids could be stuck in my position, wishing they could get rid of me. </p>
<p>Editing to add my original point - it is crucial that we all take time for ourselves to refresh our attitudes, energy, patience, etc. I plan on trying to do something every few months or at least twice a year to recharge. I am really fortunate to have a H who can and will watch mom so I can have a break. </p>
<p>On another note for a friend caring for a loved one–just had dinner with a friend last night. She and her H invited her widowed mom & grandmother to fly from Chicago to HI and stay with them because they were led to believe that the grandmother likely had only a few days to months to live. It’s now been over 2 or 3 years that grandma has been with them and she’s recently celebrated her 107th birthday! She can no longer carry on a conversation but can answer yes & no and recognizes people. She wanders at night or falls getting out of bed, so my friend has to sleep very lightly to hear her if she arises. Her mom prefers living in Chicago and only comes to HNL for a few months at a time. This is becoming very tiring and stressful for my friend and her H. He recently had a heart attack while he was operating on a patient (tho he is fairly active and fit). It’s a tough situation.</p>
<p>I’ve invited my friend to attend a free aging in place conference next month that has about 1200 attendees and over 65 exhibitors to see what kinds of help are available. She currently hires someone to come in 2 nights a week so she can have some respite and sleep more soundly knowing someone else will watch grandma when she walks around and rises during the evening (as she always does).</p>
<p>I have another GF that is similarly caring for her aging mom in her home. She has her mom attend adult day care during the day but also has to hire someone a few nites a week so she can get some uninterrupted sleep. She also has to have her mom get care somewhere when she and her H travel, as they have to be sure she is fed and someone makes sure she doesn’t fall. It is NOT an easy path for any of them.</p>
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<p>We know exactly what you mean. ;-)</p>
<p>ETA – I was shocked about the SIL comments, I’m sure everyone was. Personally, I was focused at the moment on the events of yesterday. But I think those snippets are very revealing. </p>
<p>Agreed that your mom showed her true colors and the very egocentric nature of her perspective. Try to keep that in mind as you keep your boundaries instead of being sucked in to rescue her when she causes herself problems. Have your loved ones help you with staying strong and not getting sucked in.</p>
<p>Bought the book Boundaries today at B&N. Just started it. I can always learn something.</p>
<p>HI Mom, my sympathies to your friend caring for her 107 yr old grandmother in her own home! And your other friend who brings her mom to adult day care and has her at home! It must take so much sacrifice!</p>
<p>Yes, checked my library record and Boundaries" is “in transit.” Will be in my village library on Monday.</p>
<p>There is so much to learn from each other. Dharma…way to go!</p>
<p>H and I have just booked our 25 year anniversary trip. We will be out of the country for about 4-5 weeks during Spring of next year. It started an internal emotional turmoil. How can I leave for this length of time; how will I manage all of mom’s details; how can I be so selfish; what if something happens while I’m gone,…what if what if…
The very sad thing is I just don’t envision my sister stepping up and managing things for even such a short period of time. I’m thinking of asking mom to move into a short term AL arrangement. I expect much resistance. I feel guilty.</p>
<p>I keep reminding myself that H and I have worked very very hard to get to this point in life. We are healthy but things can change on a dime. Sitting around waiting for a phone call or waiting for any level of certainty is not an option. As H says, do we really want to look back in 10 years - while visiting MIL or mom at whatever place they are living - and think…when is it going to be ‘okay’ to travel.</p>
<p>It’s fantastic that you’re planning an anniversary trip, dietz! I understand the sibling issues and the guilt. You are so right though- things can turn for anyone on a dime. Hope you can have fun with the planning and anticipation of the trip. </p>
<p>A year ago in June, my daughter and I were invited to visit Israel for the wedding of the son of very good friends. The family had visited the U.S. many times and we traveled with them more than one.</p>
<p>I had a terrible time with this, so worried that my father, who was still driving then, would get into a car accident. I cut our trip to 7 days door-to-door which of course included plenty of hours on airplanes. (Our Israeli friends were horrified that we were coming for such a short time.) I sat my dad down and said, “humor me, Daddy, let kid and I go to the wedding, please, please, please don’t get into the car. Ir would take me 3 days to get home if anything happened.” I wound up going food shopping for them the morning of our departure for the trip.</p>
<p>We both had a wonderful time, our first real vacation in years, but I was terribly freaked out for two weeks before and a day or two into the trip.</p>
<p>Dietz and h, good luck!</p>
<p>Dietz199, are you, too, caring for your mom in your own home? If so, you are a saint.</p>
<p>Oh siblings again…I haven’t heard from my sister in a month.</p>
<p>Did anyone enjoy the “wedding dress” story?</p>
<p>Dietz, I hope you and H have a fantastic trip. Sounds like either a visit to Assisted Living or a live-in caretaker would be a good choice for your mom. You need the peace of mind that your mother is safe and in good hands, so you can enjoy your vacation.</p>
<p>Yes, when my friend leaves town and has to leave her mom without one of her family to watch, she always has her mom go to an assisted living place so she can not worry that her mom can harm herself by forgetting to eat or other things. My friend DOES have a brother who doesn’t even visit the mom much, even though the mom gave him two houses and was also giving him money every month, though she could barely pay her own bills.</p>
<p>Dietz, you and your H need to go & have a great time! None of us can predict the future, so we need to live the best we can.</p>
<p>The AL arrangement sounds like a good idea Dietz. You are not being selfish at all. No one would begrudge a paid caregiver a vacation, and certainly shouldn’t a non-paid caregiver. </p>
<p>Nursing Home Unthinkable? Be Prepared in Case It’s Inevitable
Be an ‘educated customer’ if the needs of an aging relative or friends become too difficult to handle at home.
<a href=“Nursing Home Unthinkable? Be Prepared in Case It's Inevitable - The New York Times”>http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/07/28/nursing-home-unthinkable-be-prepared-in-case-its-inevitable/</a></p>
<p>Hey, old mom, I read today’s Times (paper) and missed that. Where was it? Do you have to be an online subscriber to get what I guess might be “extra” stuff? Because I pay for the paper edition I get a “free” online version if I want it. Does it have extra good stuff?</p>
<p>4 pm and I have been online ALL DAY getting the IRS/PAYROLL STUFF set up and I am far from finished. Working email and phone with a marvelous woman agent in PA. You have to laugh, I filled out over a dozen pages on an IRS site, got to the last page, and got a message" The system is down for maintenance. Please try again later." I am finished for the day and am going to finish the final pages of Alison Weir’s fabulous bio of Elizabeth I. The poor Queen is dying now (Hmmmm…can’t seem to get off the topic of “elders.”…)</p>