<p>As hard as it is, you have to take ownership of what you need to do,the research you need to do, the best resources for the best guidance. I did a ton of it-- both when my mom was ill and dying/dies (as my dad fell apart and couldnt handle it)- I had to research resources for him, went through her teachers retirement union services, looked at long term care, called as many people as I could to get recommendations for case managers and caregivers, interviewed many over the phone, checked references, you name it. As disappointing as it is, you cant expect your sister, the doctors, attorney, social services to do this (though they are the closest to who should have helped witaftercare as its their job), but there are limits to what their role is, unless you happen to hit a gem/guardian angel, and even they have limits. Sounds like you had a good one who tried ot help direct the aftercare discussion with you and your mom. Thats more than pushing the wheelchair. Your mom has had longstanding mental health issues. There are limits to what the staff can do with challenging family situations or noncompliant patients. Placement can be hard if facilities wont accept the patient or the patient refuses. If the patient is ready for discharge, the hospital; has to help facilitate it or risk not getting paid for noncovered days.</p>
<p>As I mentioned, my dad was in NY and the state laws about minimum wage went into effect in 2011 (IIRC). The federal laws go into effect in January.</p>
<p>We are trying to be resources for you. but it will take much more legwork at your end. Been there, done that, got the tshirt.</p>
<p>JYM626, if my mother spends down her assets and enters a nursing home (her plan) and the house goes on the market (after RM) and she has virtually nothing, will my husband I and I be liable for her taxes, bills etc? Because we are financially stretched and couldn’t do that. When my husband’s mother became eligible for medicaid (she spent down her savings and had only Social Security, my mother’s future scenario), and when his dear sister died in April, we were not responsible for bills and debt. What will happen if my mother is in a NH and her taxes have to be paid while the house is on the market?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I am sure that we all sympathize and empathize with you about your sister. Every time my brother came to NY, I was hoping for a break or at least some company with the burden, but he made it twice as difficult. And my stepmother’s son (a retired physician in the prime of life whose favorite pursuit is mountain climbing!) was zero help, in fact less than zero.</p>
<p>I was fortunate that my stepmother, who was the one who needed most of the care, had a lot of assets and my father had enough. So there was really no incentive to move them out. Well, except for my sanity but it didn’t last long enough for me to reach the breaking point. And even if it had, I could have had my dad and my stepmother’s son (as the guardian of her assets) pay for what I would no longer do. Stepmother and her family inherited a very substantial amount of money a decade ago and unless she lives to be 150, I don’t think she’ll outlive her and her son’s resources. </p>
<p>But your mother is not in that financial situation. And your mother is a master manipulator. I am very grateful that many of my feelings about my dad left over from childhood were defused by therapy and his passing left me without substantial conflict.</p>
<p>At some point I decided that karma would get the family members that wouldn’t help. That and therapy and good friends got me through it. I did learn to set at least some limits so I had enough heart and soul to deal with my daughter’s last 2 years of high school. I was really, really worried about how it would be with only the parent side of the sandwich once my daughter left for school. Although I have no idea what I will do with the rest of my life after next Wednesday when I come home alone, I am glad that I don’t have to face the dilemma of figuring it out without having her home to balance the happiness-misery scale of my life, But I have no other kids and no spouse.</p>
Another question for the attorney. Whoever is responsible for paying these bills will have to get them paid. that why you need enough cash in her account to handle these bills. If you are responsible for handling her finances, you will need to handle them responsibly-- meaning save money in the account to pay taxes, etc. You personally will not be responsible for debt when she dies, but her estate is (though some states are going after the kids if they inherited $)</p>
<p>I has to negotiate this with doctors offices when I could no longer see EOBs and they were not sending me what I needed to see in order to pay copays, etc. He had 2 insurances-- actually 3 because there was a BCBS for hospitalization and UHC for doctors visits plus medicare. All had to be coordinated and if there was any extra to be paid, we had to pay or negotiate it with the drs. And there are other fees – 2 years after his death and after the last taxes were filed (his accountant did it wrong, our personal accountant had to redo it) we still had attorneys bills plus some county fee of $750 for something other. Do NOT spend her $ down to zero. YOu will need a reserve, unless you can convince a whole bunch of people to wait til you get cash from teh sale of the house. Good luck with that.</p>
<p>You only heard a guess about your sibling (and I imagine things were quite different 2 years ago) and skipped right on over the gist.</p>
<p>Sorry to prolong the agony, but if my sister said she would definititely help, fly out, and take the leadership role (as a nurse enforcer), how is that just a “guess?” Nothing was different two years ago except that mother’s health allowed her to live alone and I–said with emphasis–was the one trying to prepare for the future. A conversation like this between siblings is a vitally important— one–like a contract I would say-- and I don’t get “guess” or “skipped right on over the gist.”</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, alas, you can’t enforce the promise your sister made. Yes, it is really crappy of her not to respond to you. But it is what it is, and you can send her a thousand emails and leave a thousand messages, and if she doesn’t respond, you are in the same spot, only more heartbroken and disappointed. </p>
<p>Dont know who you are responding to about your sister, but your sister isnt doing squat. What she said she would do and what she is doing are not the same. Have you asked her point blank to come out and meet with you, the attorney, your mom, etc? She is , I fear, blowing smoke.</p>
<p>When my dad died, we still had $50k in the checking account, and I was co-owner of the account, so could continue to write checks for his bills. I was also executrix so gould legally handle financial matters (most POA go away at death). But if your mom is alive, not only will you have costs associated with the AL/NH (even with medicaid, trust me, there will be things to pay) and yes, you will have to file her taxes, pay the accountant, her attorney for any work he does, pay the taxes, maintenance, upkeep, utilities, insurance on the house, etc. Ca-ching. </p>
<p>When your mother dies, her estate is responsible for taxes and outstanding debts (in an order of priority- I believe that’s taxes, med bills and then others.) Clarify with the lawyer. </p>
<p>If the lawyer is trained and didn’t question the various elements of your cost analysis, did not say you are missing something, you can breathe. You have other challenges. Ask her if there are pending laws that affect your situation. Then move forward. Arabrab is in another state and just one example. </p>
<p>You don’t have to revisit the cost analysis, at this point. See, it doesn’t matter if the money lasts, say, 18 months or 14. You now have the broad picture. It doesn’t change anything if you cancel payroll arrangements today, tomorrow or next year, on her death or when she moves to AL. That will be a standing detail/task, regardless. So don’t get in a bunch about it. You can now move to the next bullet points. </p>
<p>Tomorrow, you’ll learn the extent of your POA. The ability to talk to docs, go to the bank, etc, may not be sufficient. </p>
<p>And, face it: you cannot control your sister. No matter what she said. Dharma, you can only control yourself, your actions and your reactions. Don’t let this sister stuff distract. </p>
<p>I emailed her daily, I said it was time, I said ER/hospital/nursing home/ER/hospital/nursing home. I did use the words "come out now’ but it should have been understood. I left a long voicemail she didn’t answer. I have sent her three letters with a cover note and an updated cost comparison. Next, whenever anything significant happens, to protect myself, I will send her a note in the mail.</p>
<p>Tomorrow’s meting should be interesting. i see this caregiver thing lasting three months and then, NH.</p>
<p>My first meeting with the lawyer lasted an HR. Why didn’t I get more out of it? She looked at my cost comparisons and said “you did my work for me.” But she could have told me much, much more.</p>
<p>Agree with LF, and her earlier cost analysis. You have holiday season coming up. You pay time and a half for holiday coverage, and will have to have backup for sick time/vacation. We had to have backup when the primary caregiver had to take her updated Continuing ed for recertification of her CNA (and we paid for it since she wasnt paid through an agency). When we had to fire the caregiver who stole from my dad, she tried to file for unemployment. We had to fight that since she was fired for cause. I would bet 60K will last less than a year, sorry to say. What state are you in?</p>
<p>You are misunderstanding - it was MY guess.I didn’t know the details about your sibling. I’m not saying you are wrong about your sibling - just giving food for thought. </p>
<p>And that is a BIG change for your mother over the 2 years. My sibling and I have similar issues, but the main constant is change and the need for change in expectations all around. </p>
<p>I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but try giving your sister something specific to do to start. Taxes? Paying certain bills?</p>
<p>And the mention of your sibling was only the first sentence of my post, not the gist. Please reread the rest of my post plus 3738 and 3739. Please. Please.</p>
<p>Dharma, one other thing. When I was going through this with my mom, I truly thought I was going crazy. I’m on antidepressants for the first time ever in my life and never thought I would even consider them. However, they have made a huge difference. No more breaking down in tears over the therapist not being scheduled for the fifth time. I plan to give them up soon, but they helped tremendously in putting things in perspective. You sound like you are at that feeling crazy stage (with good reason) and you absolutely have to find some way to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>3738 and 3739. I did. JYM626, someone here suggested I continue to update sister on what is spent and how, RM, etc., so sister doesn’t come later and claim that I took steps without her knowledge.</p>
<p>Give stuff to my sister to do, taxes, bills? That is how I imagined us working together! Everything can be done online, long distance! But she is totally, totally ignoring me, shutting me( and my mother too obviously) out completely. She is buying oats and hay for her horse and goats.</p>
<p>Fine to update sister, but DO NOT give her access to the funds. She is doing NOTHING, not even responding to you, so you at this point can count on her to do NOTHING. If she ever even deigns to return your call and talk to you and not your machine, ask her to do a SMALL task like make a SPECIFIC phonecall and get a SPECIFIC piece of information (she is out of the loop so will not ask the questions you want answered and do not expect her to). If she does not do this one small task, then you know what you are dealing with. Sadly, like my sibling, we counted on them for nothing other than to make trouble.</p>
<p>One more thing-- you are creating more work for yourself. You are updating your sister with no response. You can tell her that you need to talk to her and you will keep track of the expenses, but if she wants an update you are happy to provide it but she sill need to contact you . Put this on her. Please get the monkey off your back where you can.</p>
<p>That’s because you were willing to push the wheelchair. This is so much easier for them and in their mind, a successful transition. If you did not push the wheelchair, your mom could have been transferred to AL/NH. </p>
<p>But, that’s water under the bridge and only worth pointing out so that you can make yourself unavailable next time you are asked to push the wheelchair. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there, just don’t push! </p>
<p>I agree, your sister should not be involved as she has chosen not to be. Do not allow her financial access. I can’t even guess what is going on with her, but we all have sibling stories. One time I posted a comment from my unsupportive brother (who is trying to rise to the challenge and actually here more and more aware what is going on) and many posters were sure we had the same brother. This doesn’t make it right, but pretty typical. We all have to be careful and non-petty when it comes to sharing the inheritance even if just some siblings are doing all the work. It is not fair, but it is what we’ve been given. Karma. </p>