<p>And one more thing that was very hard for me: because I felt guilty that I didn’t do enough for my dad and didn’t do some of the things he needed me for very well, I was sometimes drawn into unnecessary drama with him. Really, assisted living is the best possible place for your mother, not just because it will be easier for you, but because IT IS THE BEST POSSIBLE PLACE FOR YOUR MOTHER. So you don’t have to feel guilty about moving her there. She may manipulate you into feeling like you are doing it because you are lazy or don’t love her enough or whatever manipulation she’s been pulling on you since forever. But it IS the best possible place, so stand your ground. The fact that it will be much better for you is beside the point. Not to say that you don’t deserve to get your life back, because you do! That’s where therapy really helps, to separate what’s better for you from what’s better for her. At least it really helped me.</p>
<p>After the experience at Trader Joe, I’m surprised that when she wanted to go to the dept store, you ‘just said yes.’ </p>
<p>It’s really easy to get roped in by a very manipulative parent. Been there, done that!</p>
<p>Agree with LF #4081. You’re going to have to stop being so available. Little story about my mom: She used to go shopping every day of her life, so she never got into the habit of noticing when they were running low on, say, toothpaste. So when they moved into AL and she no longer had a car, guess who became her daily shopper. She would call me every afternoon. “We’re out of toothpaste. Will you please pick up some on the way home and run it by?” I’d say, “Mom, I just went to the store yesterday for shampoo. Will you please look around for anything else that needs picking up this week, so I don’t have to make yet another trip tomorrow?” “Oh no, we’ll be fine until the weekend.” “Are you SURE? Because I really hate going to the store after work.” “Oh yes, I’m sure.” And the next afternoon: “Honey, we’re out of toilet paper. Will you please pick some up on the way home and run it by?”</p>
<p>Here’s how I stopped being jerked around by my mother: “Honey, will you please stop and pick up Kleenex on the way home and run it by?” “I’m sorry, Mom, I can’t tonight. [No explanation given] I’ll be coming by your place on Saturday, so I’ll put Kleenex on the list. If you think of anything else between now and then, call me.”</p>
<p>In other words: No. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>AL is the only option you can participate in, so that effectively makes it the only option. And you know that it is the only healthy and sustainable option. Should you try to convince your mom of this? Why bother?</p>
<p>Just thinking out loud here, but maybe it’s time to communicate with all these professionals who see you as the answer to their problems, without regard to the toll it’s taking on you. Maybe email the lawyer, the shrink, the social worker, everyone else who’s assigning all of this work to you: "I cannot continue the workload involved in keeping Mom at home. It is taking a toll on my family, my health, and my peace of mind. I am letting you know that as of September 30, I will no longer be available to do X task. I suggest you begin planning directly with my mother as to how this job will be carried out after September 30.</p>
<p>"As some of you have said, her living arrangement is her decision. I believe, as I think you believe, that this is unwise. Therefore, it is my decision that I will not to participate in helping her carry it out. </p>
<p>“I am available to do the work necessary to get her set up in Assisted Living. We have looked at several very attractive options, which I can share with you. Thank you.”</p>
<p>In other words, say No to all the people who see you as an endless supply of unpaid labor. Dump the problem in their laps. I bet they’ll get her into AL so fast your head would spin! And they wouldn’t much care if she liked it.</p>
<p>Dharma, we’ve been saying, all along, that there is an element of choice here- and you have been choosing to do what your mother wants and endure the poor payoff.<br>
And then, on top of your frustration, add the frustration that no one seems to take your frustration seriously. Do you see how you are not yet taking the first steps to back away? Or to streamline or simplify?</p>
<p>You don’t have to take her to umpteen AL places, you don’t have to stop at TJ or the dept store just because she wants to, you don’t have to let her go “on and on.AND ON.” </p>
<p>You do have to understand that she can’t frustrate you without your cooperation. We all had to learn to set limits. </p>
<p>About AL- someone suggested you visit first, without the grumpy 87 year old who needs to roll or be rolled. You take unacceptable places off the list. Then give her two visits/two choices. Maple-whatever or X. Get the deal done. Or this cycle will be endless. </p>
<p>Think about what the atty did that was helpful. hold her hand, stroke it and reassure her. Dont get caught up in the moment to moment stressors or the side irrelevancies. This stuff happens. Payroll gets messed up (but most banks will case a check in the ATM unless the writer of the check call to raise concern, so no worries). And if your mom carries on, just smile and nod…</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, you keep on trying to reason and cajole your mom. She is not reasonable or logical. Reasonable and logical discussions won’t work. “I’m sorry mom, I know you would like to stay at home but it’s not possible,” should suffice and change the subject or walk away. Give your mom a choice of which AL to go to (agree, avoid having her go) but not a choice of staying home or going to the AL. </p>
<p>Well said, GTalum. </p>
<p>“Thick skin” avoid being manipulated</p>
<p>You know what to do. Practice beforehand.</p>
<p>Think before saying yes - pause at least 5 sec to every request. If mom requests something big, replace it with something very small - so you give her something.</p>
<p>You keep giving away your power.</p>
<p>I agree if you think about the fact that you are truly reasoning with someone with a 5 year old mentality (“I want it and I want it now”) - you do not reason. You say this is the way it is and be cheerful. Then change the subject/distract her, just like you would a 5 year old.</p>
<p>Continue to ‘reward’ positive behavior. Walk away from the negative.</p>
<p>Good morning and thanks - off to the bank and AL#2.</p>
<p>LF, what you said about trader joes and how I took her to the dept store is so true.I am shocked at my stupidity. It is just so hard to even trust myself . But what old mom said is true,it is so easy to be manipulated and fight against the reality that you are in fact brainwashed or like a victim of Stockholm syndrome. </p>
<p>Not sure I can agree with the analogy to being brainwashed or Stockholm syndrome, as that implies a lack of control over ones choices or behaviors. Once you own the choices you will empower yourself. Therapy is very helpful in These types of circumstances. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel- you have shared a lot here and are navigating both present circumstances and a long history, as all of us do with our parents (for better or worse). Just as it is almost impossible for a parent to drop a kid off at nursery school or daycare, without confidence that they will be okay and that it is in their best interest to go, it is hard to arrange for AL or NH care for a parent if there are lots of doubt and second guessing. In your mother’s situation, I would carefully determine if the specific AL chosen can effectively handle her needs (both medical and cognitively), as ALs provide a varied level of care (some order and dispense meds for example, others call the family with every change and the resident must keep/manage their own meds) and it seems possible (may be off base here of course, just gleaning this from your posts) that she could shortly require more care. Additionally, some ALs offer fee for service staff time for assistance with bathing and dressing, med administration, etc. and that can add up very quickly if it is not built into the monthly fee. It really helps when ALs are affiliated with a nursing home or memory care unit (if that is a likelihood), so that if needed, the caregiver doesn’t have to re-invent the wheel with a whole new search and the elder has less of a transition and is known. I am speaking in generalities here, as I haven’t researched the places you have mentioned. </p>
<p>When a parent is complicated, one can lose sight off how challenging this big change is for most people. The caregivers have to ground themselves in order to walk the elder through it. Universally, people can identify what they are losing with such a move (home, routine, autonomy, familiar things, control, etc.). What is harder to know is what is to be gained by the move. I said this directly to my folks when it came time for more care. We spoke of change, giving it a fair chance, keeping an open mind and seeing what they thought. We spoke of going to the preferred place when a space was available, rather than taking the inevitable potluck in a crisis. It is a question of making all roads lead to Rome, in your head and theirs, as well as logistically. My parents were able to engage in this process more cooperatively than many. I would have still made all roads go to a care facility, even without their cooperation, because I knew it would be best for them and had confidence in their option. I tried to shine a light on what they could be gaining, without stepping on their concerns. The social options and peace of mind hit them immediately upon arrival. It has been a huge blessing for the last 10 years. </p>
<p>I wish everyone the best with their challenges and opportunities. </p>
<p>I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’ve been following Dharma’s saga. The majority of our parents here have not been thrilled about moving to AL, but they did it anyway. I didn’t allow my mother to back out; that wasn’t a viable option. For many months after the move, she blamed me for ruining her life. I knew I didn’t; I saved her life since she would’ve died trying to handle everything on her own. It wasn’t pleasant to listen to her blaming me, but I had to just let it roll off my back. I cut back on the phone calls and visits so I didn’t have to hear it.</p>
<p>Stay strong. Believe that you are doing the right thing.</p>
<p>Thank you travel nut and shell fell. My mother was cooperative and we went to the bank. But with the walker back to the car she said We have to talk about Assisted Living. She gave me a tongue lashing about how I was not thinking about her and what she wanted etc etc. I said, You are 88 and need consistent supervised Assisted Living. You will see three places and choose one of the three. Because of your needs and the care you will get at Assisted Living, you have no choice but to go. She continued and I said I will not listen to you any more. She said I don’t care if you don’t listen but I will keep talking. She said the place we toured was for alcoholics because the room we saw had what she called a “wet bar” (it was a sink and cabinets and fridge). She said something bizarre about how this was all about how I thought she would want my money. She said the place had “no people around” which was completely bizarre.She said the first night she was there, I would get a phone call that she was screaming and out of control. We had to stop at CVS. Then she told me to stop at the bakery and get her a baguette and I said no, my time was limited. We got home and I had to do some paperwork for the caregiver. My mother actually handed me a shopping list for the grocery store. I said, do you realize this is the third time in less than a week that you have asked me to go to Hannafords? I cannot go. She simply replied, well, we have pork chops. And put the list away. People have advised me here to emphasize the “bright side” but I’m afraid the tone and atmosphere was hostile; I could not control her. I tried to speak calmly and slowly and she told me, stop using that voice.</p>
<p>Most unfortunately, the AL place we were to tour today cancelled for a whole week. She will go to the place we’re scheduled to go on Monday, and the place on Fri, so she’s not absolutely refusing. </p>
<p>Travelnut, yes I know about the added costs for care and I know my mother will need a care assessment which will add to the cost. We must get her to agree to go somewhere, and then deal with moving her furniture and selling her house. </p>
<p>The words about “screaming and out of control” scare me. I know it is a threat; but what if she does? She is capable of that. And what is she refuses to leave her chair and get in the car? </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>But you did listen! In so much detail. Her ramblings are not logical. Ignore them. </p>
<p>Insight:if she threatens to scream and demand to be released (I ignored the remark), if she says anything like that again,I should say , scream all you want. there are professionals there who deal with things like that.I will have nothing to do with you. Yes? </p>
<p>First BerneseMT, I am sorry for your loss. I hope the end was easy and the cleanup not too bad. Please post if you have tips from that perspective.</p>
<p>I’ve been following Dharma’s saga while on vacation and too lazy to post. And have nothing to add except to add my voice to the “get a grip” and “make your choices”. OK, she threatens “screaming and out of control” … what if she does? Threaten her back! Say," try it and I walk away. No one deserves to be treated like that." AND THEN DO IT! If she refuses to leave, then you leave and DO NOT CONTACT her for a WEEK. (while keeping the caregiver in the loop). Seriously! Did you let your children treat you that way when they were 3? Yes they have tantrums and yes, you can manage them. Your mom is actually (I am thinking based on my mom) bouncing between being 3 and being adult. My mom did that, too. Gives one whiplash. </p>
<p>My mom screamed to get out of the AL place a time or two. She is there, It is the best thing for her and I emphasize FOR HER. And now she is fine with it. It is scary to move in, I don’t blame anyone for being scared to move anywhere! and I can console that fear.</p>
<p>I also note that you don’t have to do everything at once. It took me more than a year to get Mom’s finances and house and “stuff” more or less under control. I started out trying to do too much and get stuff done too fast which took a toll on my marriage and family. Your family doesn’t deserve that either nor is it necessary. </p>
<p>I’m roped in today and my mother isn’t speaking to me.</p>
<p>Dharma, I’ve noticed something about your posts, which might inform you about your interactions with your mother. </p>
<p>You seem to struggle with getting to the point. You have a tendency to post long messages with lots of details that might not illuminate your intended message. </p>
<p>Could you maybe be doing the same thing with your mother? When she says something you need to disagree with, could you be going into some long disquisition, instead stating clearly and directly, “No, Mom, I can’t do that”? </p>
<p>My eyes have a tendency to glaze over when I see another of those long messages, and I skip most of the text. I suggest that the same thing might be happening with your mother… you are explaining in extreme detail, but she just hears blah blah blah.</p>
<p>I suggest saying, “No, Mom, I can’t do that.” And then stop. No explanations, no talking. Just say, in one sentence, what you want to say, and then stop. Deliver the short message without confusion.</p>