<p>Dharmawheel, you’ve mentioned a therapist before. Perhaps the next time you see her/him, you could say that you need specific help dealing with your mother. You can work through it and de-fuse it, I promise you! Your mother is a master manipulator but you are in the catbird seat now. Not that you asked for it and not that you want it, but she needs you much more than you need her now. To do the best for her and for you, you need to overcome the history and take control. It will be much, much better when someone is in charge (right now she’s playing tug-of-war with you) but you are going to need to make it clear that you won’t play her game anymore. If you play her game, she’ll be living in your house in a year after she runs out of money, not good for her, not good for you, not good for your husband, not good for your children. NOT GOOD. But that’s her goal. JUST.SAY.NO.</p>
<p>Right. “Oh it’ll just be a few days and she really hated extra luxe good price conveniently located resort AL so what other choice did I have??? And now its been (a year, six months, whatever) and no one sees how trapped I am…”. </p>
<p>LF, what’s going on with you? I went back a few pages and couldn’t figure it out. You ok?</p>
<p>Dharma,
Your mom isn’t the first one to fight going to AL. When you choose the best AL for her, may I suggest that you meet with a rep from the facility alone to ask for advice on how to get your stiff-necked mother moved from her house to the AL. I"m sure they have dealt with this and can give you some good advice/suggestions. </p>
<p>BTW, good for you for saying No to your mom!!! Well done!! </p>
<p>Now, that you’ve learned that you can tell her No, you can do it again. And again. She clearly is looking for your boundaires and she’s pretty used to not finding any. This is exactly what toddlers do. My daughter would test the rules - Every Day. The same rules. And every day,she was punished for
breaking those rules (it didn’t matter what day it was, she still had to put her toys away, couldn’t hit anyone, touch things that were not hers, etc. Yes, she was my strong willed one and it was vital that the rules/boundaries stayed the same. And everyday, she checked to see if the rules/boundaries were still the same.)</p>
<p>And as others have said, your mom does not need an explanation. A simple “No, not today” is sufficient. Repeat once if needed and then no more. Leave if you must. </p>
<p>Thank you for the kind words about my FIL. We had three days of family gathering, wake and funeral. I wish I had tips to pass on. That would imply that we had gained some insight about how to handle MIL. My FIL passed peacefully in his sleep. The most difficult thing, and the most constructive thing, was that their children separated them in March into two separate residences, so the caregiver could do his job for my FIL. Another fortuitous event was FIL’s doctor (internist) was unavailable due to his own medical problems, and another doctor significantly reduced his medications in May and his cognitive abilities came back and he was his old self (mentally) for three full months before his death. I don’t think those two things translate into advice to anyone else. I just write it to say - we are all dealing with something difficult and it helps to know we are not alone.</p>
<p>BerneseMtnMom, somehow I missed the post where you posted about your loss, but I am very sorry.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang, good idea, but actually it doesn’t work that way. My long writing is my own personal catharsis and I have to break the habit.It is selfish and too much to burden the board with. But with my mother, actually I say very little. We often ride in the car in silence, and in her kitchen she narrates stories about her childhood while I sneak glances at the clock and stay for 45 minutes.</p>
<p>I realize I might have made a mistake at the first AL we visited. The guide was so enchanting that I took her attention too much away from my mom. Before we visit the other two ALs, I am going to call the guides and tell them my mother–like many–is reluctant,and to show her as much TLC and personal attention as each can. To use a very loving touch (like the elder care lawyer did).</p>
<p>My mother sees her shrink on Thursday and I am going to talk to him first and see if he will talk up AL to her. I will try to convey to him that it is really her only option and be careful not to “tell him what to do.”</p>
<p>And I will see my own therapist on Tues pm.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel= you can get your mom and yourself to a better place. This is essentially all about the fact that someone has to be the adult. Your mother is in over her head and by steering her to care, you are literally not letting a toddler play on a highway. Hang onto that! Good ideas about engaging the shrink and front loading tour guides. Over the course of your posts, it sounds like your mother thrives on being the bell of the ball. That could help! </p>
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<p>On that first day, as you’re leaving, tell her that if she needs help she should summon an aide. That’s what they’re there for. And if she calls, DO NOT answer the phone. Just don’t. That is allowed. Don’t answer. Period. </p>
<p>Yes! As I posted right after that post, I thought, dummy! Instead of being silent (ignoring technique) I should have said, You will be in a place surrounded by professionals who know just how to deal with problems you imagine experiencing. They will be the gifted ones to help you. You won’t need me.</p>
<p>I just spoke with the guide at the place we’re visiting on Monday and told her how, like many, my mother is reluctant, but can I ask a special favor…shower her with touch, affection, attention,and she was so kind to say she would use every effort possible to do so. Ill have the same talk with Friday’s guide–we have an appt to talk tomorow morning.</p>
<p>Yes it does indeed, Bernese.</p>
<p>Bernese, I’m so sorry about your FIL.</p>
<p>Bernesemtnmom- all good thoughts to you and your family. </p>
<p>article about limitations of power of attorney:
<a href=“Power of Attorney Is Not Always a Solution - The New York Times”>http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/23/your-money/power-of-attorney-can-have-its-own-complications.html</a></p>
<p>We certainly found that to be true, oldmom. </p>
<p>Berenesmtnmom – I hope that you are comforted with good memories of his life. </p>
<p>I heard an episode of This American Life about communicating with Alzheimers patients. The woman in the story, the adult daughter, had read that it’s helpful to “step into their world.”</p>
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<p>This really rang a bell with me, because I (almost accidentally) used this technique a few times with my dad near the end. Those were the among the best moments we had together in many years, because we were really together. It was his world, not mine, but who cares? We were able to make a connection. I cherish those memories.</p>
<p>Anyway, this Karen developed a program for training caregivers, based on the improv technique of “Yes, and” for dementia patients. There are plenty of good ideas and techniques to be gleaned here: <a href=“http://www.in-themoment.com/project.asp”>http://www.in-themoment.com/project.asp</a></p>
<p>The This American Life episode is here. On the player, it starts at 28:07, “Act Two. Rainy Days and Mondys.” Worth a listen.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/532/magic-words”>http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/532/magic-words</a></p>
<p>Thanks oldmom. I have certainly had trouble with my POA at financial institutions. It certainly convinced me to simplify my financial investments. But I am not convinced the trust is the way to go. My parent’s set up a revocable trust 25 years ago, and as I am trying to unwind it, it has caused more problems and time. It would have been better not having the trust. In the article, I’m confused why her “legal” first name wouldn’t be on any legal documents. </p>
<p>I get the first name problems. My FIL was supposed to be named Y, but the doctor – who must have been a real comedian – told his illiterate parents that they couldn’t name him Y, that he had to be called XY. So, he grew up using the ridiculous name, only to learn as an adult when he finally got a copy of his own birth certificate that the doctor had just been joking, and that his name had been recorded all along the way his parents wanted. By that time he’d earned a PhD in the wrong name, and that was the name he ended up using for the rest of his life. </p>
<p><a href=“Employment Agency Fees: Meaning, Overview, Types”>http://www.investopedia.com/terms/e/employment-agency-fees.asp</a></p>
<p>An interesting link if you have an idle moment. As I’ve reported, we paid an employement agency to screen caregivers for my mother and paid him a fee. To my astonishment, yesterday the caregiver told me she, too, was charged a fee: $1,000! I was shocked, and thought surely this is fraud, and with the caregiver’s permission I would hunt it down, enlist legal aide, etc.and try to get the money back for her. But an internet search revealed, as the above link shows, that it is rare, but it is not illegal. </p>
<p>My mother is seeing her shrink on Thurs and this morning I sent him a letter marked “personal and confidential” updating him on her health, on her bending to, but now resisting, AL, and I asked him to call me before Thurs so we could talk it over and if I can see if I can enlist his assistance. I calculated, and figured: she has been seeing him for 29 years! Because his visits are now merely fifteen minutes, his role can best be defined as “medical/medicine manager” rather than therapist. I cannot judge his effectiveness as a therapist over these long years (in the past, when the interviews were longer). I am going to ask his secretary to book a double-session for them on Thursday.</p>
<p>Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. All fees have to be disclosed, don’t they?</p>
<p>I wanted to share a positive experience. I had a desk shipped cross country and it arrived today and I put it in my guest room. It is the only thing I wanted from my parents house and my brother had no interest in it. My father lived to 87, worked in a steel milll, died 6 years ago and my mother is now in an assisted living and not going back home. This desk in my eyes is beautiful. My father made it with no formal training from oak probably about 1955. The finish looks beautiful. I went out and bought a frame for an old family photo and a dried holly flower arrangement and it completes it.</p>