<p>Agree this is adding yet another step. She could complain about a perfect meal. Or the server or something new. Try to understand whether the point is really to satisfy yourself that you took every possible step. And that, at some point, you just have to move forward with this. Sometimes we have to face that there is no “perfect.”. Especially when dealing with difficult people. </p>
<p>NYS elder care will help with some acute emergencies and possibly with transitions, but they will not take on the responsibility of her care. Best not to anticipate that you can place mom “in their hands”. Thats not how they work and its not realistic, unfortunately.</p>
<p>LF: “Try to understand whether the point is really to satisfy yourself that you took every possible step.” Yes, of course, after her TIRADE about the salad on Saturday, I thought of the second meal possibility to SAVE myself that I have done everything possible, knowing there is no pleasing her. To coerce her,force her, show her THERE IS NO WAY OUT that is why I am doing this. What I regret, of all things, is adding another outing/strain on a tired old woman. It is nothing for me; my little girls will be in school, my college daughter (her school starts late 9/9) can do all the laundry and dishes and tidy up) and is merely a few miles away. No big deal to me. And I figure, for a woman who can insist on Trader Joes and Khols, I think she can do it fine.</p>
<p>jym: “NYS elder care will help with some acute emergencies and possibly with transitions, but they will not take on the responsibility of her care. Best not to anticipate that you can place mom “in their hands”. Thats not how they work and its not realistic, unfortunately.”
OF COURSE you are right. This is the second time I have used it as a tersley-spoken threat to her. The first time she heard it she said, “all right, I will go to AL.” BOY did that threat have a powerful effect on her. If she gives me any more hesitation, we are going down a warmly but sharply-worded with the threat - or a plane ride to Reno, but my sister would never take her.</p>
<p>I was ruminating in the kitchen on this subject first thing this morning, and asked my husband, “What’s the word when someone gets you to do what you don’t want to do?.” His quick reply: “Manipulate.” Ha!</p>
<p>G Talum:
You are being manipulative yourself by bringing your mom to a second meal, making it seem like she has a choice but in actuality she doesn’t. You just want to back her into a corner, not help her make a decision about which AL to do to."</p>
<p>Hmmmm. Actually - provided each still has a bed early/mid-Sept. (point that makes me uneasy) , In fact, she DOES have a choice between one of the two. She has the wherewithal in her acute mind that yes I can help her decide between the two: Fist place: the first plus, it is closer and if she likes the second meal better than the detested salad, she will go there. Two: the food was better, the amenities were more luxurious, but it more than twice as far a drive, in Danbury, though they will drive her to her MDS in Brewster. In a matter of days, it is time for a decision, a financial commitment, and move-in plans. I plan to get on the internet /look at phone book today to find carters for small moves. </p>
<p>HI Mom: "Agree with Travelnut above. Good luck! You are doing a thankless task very well. You are a very good D! Don’t ever start second-guessing yourself.</p>
<p>You are finding the AL that will accept mom, has space and will best met her needs–esp medical and increasing care, including continuing to give her care if she outlives her $$$."</p>
<p>Thank you HI Mom! Excuse the repetition, but remember the savy director, when I mentioned my mother’s disappointment with the salad was insightful enough to say immediately : “IT is FEAR. But she quickly added, but we do frequently have guests wanting a second meal and we can do that.” So though this situation does indeed have its perversities, a second meal request is not unheard of.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose MIL has moved AL’s 4 times because of barious and sundry complaints. She doesn’t like the food (so the enabling son would bring her special meals or I sits my friend do it, which she obligingly did), she doesn’t like who sits at her table for meals (so sit at a different table!) etc. unfortunately she sounds a lot like your mom. Please try to set a limit but don’t make empty threats you can’t or won’t follow through with. That’s not a good idea. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, have you compared the places re how much you will have to go there? I know you mentioned something about filling pill boxes at one of the places. You certainly don’t want to trap yourself by putting her into a place where you have to do as much for her as you do now. Make it easy on yourself!</p>
<p>Oldmom, i missed that. Dharma, do not even consider a place that doesn’t dispense meds!</p>
<p>Any place that cares for patients but does NOT administer meds is not really properly caring for their patients and needs to be crossed off your list. They are inappropriate places for patients who need care, period. The facility needs to be sure medically fragile patients regularly take all their meds as directed. That is a VERY important function!</p>
<p>We dont know the matrix of details- what’s closer vs better services vs better food and all other factors. I’m surprised one seems willing to drive her a distance to med appts when they have multiple client needs to fill and it definitely seems she will need an escort. Have you verified how that works and charges ?</p>
<p>I think Dharmawheel mentioned an extra charge at one place to fill pillbox and give meds. She said she could fill the boxes and trust her mother to take the meds to avoid that charge. The place in CT wouldn’t escort her mother to the psychiatrist because she is in a different state, I.e., New York. </p>
<p>There are places that have add on charges for many things (Meds administration, laundry, transportation, etc. that may be part of the “care assessment”. Every place will have pros and cons. Nothing is perfect. </p>
<p>As for real estate agents, get recommendations from friends. And references. Don’t just take a walk in. </p>
<p>I’m not looking to pile on, but I wish you wouldn’t take her back for a 2nd meal. Not only may she still not like the food, but you’re giving her another opportunity to find some other reason she doesn’t like this AL. If I recall correctly, she didn’t like another AL because she thought everyone there were alcoholics. You know it yourself- she’ll never be satisfied. She made her decision after you toured the place and that should stand. The director of the AL, who’s had lots of experience, said she’s just fearful and that’s what’s causing her waffling (that and her other mental health issues).</p>
<p>Yes, the two places we have narrowed down to dispense meds (also, watch patients swallow them), but it is part of the unescapable “nursing assessment” add-on. The middle place we saw said they had a fee to dispense meds, but we could avoid it if I personally filled the pill box twice a month and let mother be responsible for taking her own meds. We’ve ruled that place out. </p>
<p>jym, certainly good advice but there is/was no time. I HIGHLY lucked out by securing a senior sales associate at the best place in town. She modestly gave her self-interview by citing her number of sales in the region (highest), revenue from sales (highest) and said their cite gets the most “hits” of any other. It was a gamble, but a lucky one. Remember, we want my mother moved in Sept.</p>
<p>LF, regarding your remark about the drivers…only today did I wonder about escorts. It is “borderline” to wonder if she needs one. If I think she does, I will be back to do the driving and escorting.</p>
<p>gym" Please try to set a limit but don’t make empty threats you can’t or won’t follow through with. That’s not a good idea."</p>
<p>JYM, sorry to post out of order. I understand your standards. As I said before, I used the threat of sending her to 'Protective Services of NYState for the Elderly" and abandoning her once before. It caused an immediate, startling reaction. She said , “ALL right, I’ll go to AL.”</p>
<p>Now I recognize it is a threat and legally I cannot follow through. But the idea to say that to her came from my long experienced Social Worker friend who works with the elderly in CT. She is entirely ethical and suggested it as a scare tactic. She would never advise me to do anything legally wrong. When…many more hours down the road…a turning point might come where she becomes violent or highly resistant, I have this in my pocket.</p>
<p>Update:
Late last week, my BROTHER called my mom about the whole family coming out over the holidays and for my mom’s 90th birthday. She is much more receptive to him vs. me or my SIL. They are considering a drive across country instead of flying. My mom only said my SIL will have to supply the food and other things they use; she won’t. This isn’t to say my mom won’t change her mind on a dime, but at least I didn’t have to listen to her rants. </p>
<p>Mom also said she wants my brother to take “whatever he wants” from her place. When I said I was interested in my grandmother’s embroidery, she said I would have to ask my aunts “since it’s the same thing”. Not. Plus, I’m not close to my aunts and never see them and it’s really an “outta pocket” thing to say. Well, my brother has never taken anything back on his prior visits, but I will have him check with me before he takes anything. There are two embroideries, so I wouldn’t be so greedy as to take both, but I suppose if my mom gives it to him now (whether he wants them or not) there’s nothing I can do about it, but I think she would push it on him just to me mean to me.</p>
<p>CCSO- ask your brother to take both and give you one!</p>
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<p>Nooooooooooooo. No, just NO, Dharma. Stop. Pick a place that does what you need it to do, do not plan to do any care for you Mom, just visit her and be a DD, don’t be her caregiver.</p>
<p>Dharma,
It is OK when mom runs out of money and is on Medicaid because her needs exceeded her resources. You are NOT going to be appreciated for doing all that you have already done and doing more will NOT make your mom more grateful. PAY for the services your mom needs out of her resources. That is what the resources are for, Do NOT continue to twist yourself into a pretzel to give your mom extra services. The AL/NH will do what is needed, even if there are additional charges for these extra services. </p>
<p>Try to have your mom at a place that will allow her to stay where she is even after her resources are exhausted. This is the goal for mom – moves and disruptions are HARD for her and will be hard for you as well.</p>
<p>I am glad the realty sign will be up Monday - people drive around and look. If something else sold nearby, others will be interested in this one that ‘didn’t get away’ yet! Sharp realtor will get the word out!</p>