Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
4601

<p>I will post this note here, in response to Dharmawheel’s discussion of moderation on the other thread:</p>

<p><<We received more than one request for Dharmawheel to continue her posts in a separate thread, because they noticed that other people, especially newbies, had disappeared. We did not ask her to STOP posting, but merely to continue in her previous thread or start another one. It would have been easy for other users to follow her, but others could keep posting in the parents’ thread.</p>

<p>Moderating is not easy. We have to balance the concerns of individuals versus the needs of the community. The parents’ thread is supposed to be a place where MANY people can post and get advice/support. If you look back at the thread during the time in question, the thread was mainly a place for Dharma. In that case, it makes sense to have a thread dedicated to her situation.</p>

<p>For future reference, please keep in mind that it is a violation of the Terms of Service to discuss moderating actions or forum policies on public boards. Dharma never contacted moderators privately to complain.>></p>

4602

<p>Thank you for the explanation. I am sure moderating this site can be tough. </p>

4603

<p>I’m sorry to hear that, now a little nervous to know how much is too much to post. Especially in the throws of a crisis with a parent. </p>

<p>I’m home from my trip to see my mom in the hospital and I don’t even know how to process the info. She went in for a uti, and severe back pain. It was a very small, minor fracture. She hadn’t been out of bed in nearly a week. Yesterday she got up and walked and I was really hopeful. Then today she couldn’t even sit up in bed. The dr breezed in and out in literally 2 minutes, gave her strong pain meds and released her to rehab. There is a rehab attached to the hospital so we chose to send her there. She still has the catheter because she make it to the bathroom and can’t be moved to use a bed pan.</p>

<p>She’ll have 2 sessions a day of OT and 2 a day of PT. If her pain is really bad, and she literally can’t even move, is it even possible to do rehab? My concern is her MO is drugs and laying around. Literally for 20 years after a big heart surgery. She’s never been active again after that. She’s never agreed to rehab before but I think she did it because she didn’t think she had any options. She has zero muscle tone and has chosen for the past 25 years to be extremely sedentary. </p>

4604

<p>How much did she walk yesterday? You should get a chance to talk to someone in rehab about what exactly they plan for her PT. (And how it fits in with her meds schedule.) They could start with just getting her out of bed and walking a very short distance. Maybe having her sit in a chair. I think their first task will be/should be to gauge her present baseline. You may want to be there for the first PT appt. </p>

<p>My mother’s physical condition is similar- after bypass, she had some PT/OT in a nursing home, but after release, refused the subsequent cardiac rehab. Later refused knee PT and is now quite limited. It’s frustrating. </p>

4605

<p>eyeamom, it’s a weird thing how they can be so up and down – walking one day, unable to sit up the next. I think when they get that elderly and sick, they don’t have the reserves that younger people have – the overall good health to get them through a crisis. It’s as if their baseline is at the edge of the red zone, and anything that comes along knocks them right into it.</p>

<p>Four sessions of therapy a day is aggressive, in my experience – aggressive in a good way. For them to start out with that indicates to me that they believe there is hope of improvement, so that’s a good thing. They want her up and out of bed a lot!</p>

<p>Having said that, improvement with the elderly is relative, and may end up being measured in frustratingly small increments. Sometimes I feel like managing my own expectations is one of my biggest jobs. You’ll probably want to talk with at least one of the therapists every time you’re there to keep tabs on her.</p>

4606

<p>They don’t allow visitors until after 4pm on weekdays and after noon on the weekends. I do get that, they want these patients focused on their recovery. How my mom will deal with that I don’t know, but it’s actually easier on family to not be put in the bad guy role and to let the therapists do their thing. I sure hope it works! I’d love to see her back in her apartment. But these hospital visits are escalating and many of them have been over her not drinking water. She has to want to recover too, so this is her chance. </p>

4607

<p>eyeamom- I hope the rehab proves beneficial to your mother. My understanding is that with a back fracture, it is usually a matter of time for the bone to heal. Elders, particularly those who are sedentary, do have those issues with muscle wasting you discussed, worse with diminished activity. I couldn’t use one leg at all post fracture and was stunned that in 2 weeks, that leg was visibly smaller than other (and I had walked 8 miles the day I broke it). So your modest expectations are likely appropriate. As lf said,PT can be done in a variety of creative ways, including sitting if indicated, to accommodate limitations, but attempt to build strength. Obviously, a lot rides on whether or not she can become ambulatory enough to safely navigate a daily routine. I hope she tolerates the heavy pain meds well as they can impact energy levels, cognition and steadiness. Until the bone mends enough to be less painful, it may be hard to predict her course. Agree that the no visitors policy may help those ambivalent about therapy and be less distracting. Do be in touch with the rehab aftercare people and get a sense of options if she is not in able to be alone in her apartment. The physical weakness combined with the dehydration issues may be important considerations. Also check to see how long her insurance coverage for rehab is so there are no surprises. Is the UTI resolved?</p>

<p>Hang in there. So much to navigate. </p>

4608

<p>We had the same problems with my M - UTI’s and fractures in the back. It’s been a long challenge and neither issue is fully resolved after a year and a half of trying. One thing we did learn the hard way. UTI’s plus pain medication can be a disaster. We landed in the ER twice because she slowly lost consciousness due to the combination. Pain meds that hadn’t ever been a problem suddenly were and the doctor seemed to want to turn us in for abusing her by overmedication. It was bad, so be aware.</p>

<p>As far as Dharma, many of us read her long, complicated, and convoluted posts and weighed in with advise and sympathy. I know it must have stung being asked to move her posts to another thread, but I think we deserve some updates! </p>

4609

<p>Apparently my mom called my brother to come pick her up this morning before rehab even started. Because of all of your great advice here with Dharma I knew to get together with the 4 of us and make an agreement, no one lifts a finger to help her get out of there early. If she can arrange it herself and get the transportation and help lined out then she’s well enough to be on her own. She made it through the day and seems accepting of staying there. So far. </p>

4610

<p>Nice work, Eyeamom. I hope my kids would do the same for me. The last thing needed is the opportunity for your mother to be more vulnerable. With SNR (skilled nursing rehab), there are also Medicare regs about options if you leave. A shame to possibly forfeit the post qualifying 3+ night hospitalization coverage for an almost certain disaster. </p>

<p>Day by day… I hope she adapts well. </p>

4611

<p>Well done, eyeamom. The importance of the siblings presenting a united front can’t be overstated. </p>

<p>How did her rehab go today?</p>

4612

<p>The ongoing saga of where my mother will move. First it was Georgia, (where she assumed her 80 year old male cousin would be her point of contact.) Then Arizona, where she knows no one and doesn’t like the desert color scheme, buildings in tan or earthy colors. Now it’s back to Southern Cal, where she lived before her heart attack and moving here. But she’d be near my brother. (At the time she moved here, she wasn’t in contact with him, her issue. But time healed those wounds.) And the IL/AL/NH she has in mind is off-white.</p>

4613

<p>LF, oh my.</p>

4614

<p>Preironic- that is a rough situation. Hard to feel blamed for over-dosing . You make such a good point about elders and meds, particularly drug interactions. UTIs and drug interactions, either separately or together, can change the course significantly. My mother once had 3 meds added simultaneously to manage shingles pain. One was an antidepressant, one an anti-convulsent and I forget the third. In 24 hours she was seeing bugs and confused. This happened at a renowned geratric center. It can be family that connects these dots when things go south.</p>

<p>Lots of good info here.</p>

4615

<p>Argh!!! I have to vent!</p>

<p>Back story: We are working to get all of Mom’s funds into one bucket, a very reputable local investment house. A couple of weeks ago, Mom received a big check from Dad’s annuity which we cashed out. Mom received the check on a Saturday, and she and I immediately took it to B of A and deposited it into her checking account for temporary safekeeping. My plan was to get a check over to the investment house the next week.</p>

<p>My brother, who lives 800 miles away, is the big-picture guy on Mom’s finances. He makes the decisions about what to move where, he got the annuity closed out, that kind of thing. I handle the day-to-day stuff, paying Mom’s bills, etc., and when something big happens like the annuity close-out, my brother gives instructions which I carry out. It works well for everyone. He doesn’t want to be involved in the small-bore stuff, and I don’t want the responsibility of managing the money.</p>

<p>Well, I didn’t get to the investment house that week. I work 40 hours a week, and we’re in the middle of a big project, plus we’re short-staffed at the moment. I simply couldn’t arrange the time off. So early last week, I started getting nagging emails from my brother. I explained to him the difficulty of taking a couple of hours off work, but told him I’d do it by the end of the week. I got the time off Friday afternoon, picked up Mom, took her to the investment house, and left them a check. They informed me that I’d missed the cutoff for a Friday deposit, and they would deposit it on Monday. That was fine; I didn’t see it as being a difference-maker in Mom’s financial future, and I went home thinking “Thank goodness that’s done.”</p>

<p>This evening I sat down to update my brother, and found he’d already emailed me. He took the tone of lecturing and upbraiding a dim, incompetent employee. “You said you would transfer the money on Friday. Where is it?” “I transferred funds out of the Vanguard fund. ** Look for a check**.” And he finished with this: "It is VITALLY important that you remember to look for tax forms for Fidelity and Vanguard before you take the tax box to Moms accountant (if you f** this up it would be a $15K to $20K mistake. Don’t do that!!!) Send me emails about the progress of these transactions."*</p>

<p>I wanted to reply immediately, but didn’t want tell him how furious I was, so I went into robot mode; a short recitation of the facts. At the end I said, “I’m not going to f*** it up.”</p>

<p>A little backstory on this brother: My other brother and I have noticed he tends to take a dealing-with-subordinates tone in his emails. He’s never been married, no kids, so pretty much all of his emails are business-related. We kind of overlook it; that’s just how he is. But this!</p>

<p>The only thing that’s preventing me from blasting a really really REALLY nasty email back at him is the fact the we are going to have to work together for as long as Mom lives. I don’t need the added complication of a family rift. But ARGHHHHH!!!</p>

4616

<p>LasMa- so sorry- there is no way to avoid frustration in dealing with anothers issues (brothers and mothers). Doing good enough is all one should do to be able to handle the rest of life. One just doesn’t have to keep defending oneself.</p>

4617

<p>Email communication can be tough. For all you know he could have been joking, or saying it lightly or being sarcastic. You are doing well deciding when to blow up and when to blow it off. I would probably be tempted to send a little watch your comments please. </p>

4618

<p>I am giving a gut reply and acknowledge that I’m more than a little sensitive on this matter. I would email him and suggest that perhaps he alone is the only one who can handle this correctly and he should make all further contacts and have forms delivered to him and he can deal with the accountant. I would then refuse to have anything to do with the accounts or accountant in the future. Sorry, this was my own rant.</p>

4619

<p>More news on the homefront for Dharmawheels Mom: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1666354-newbie-questions-dharmawheel-about-24-7-caregivers-legal-questions-etc-p3.html”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1666354-newbie-questions-dharmawheel-about-24-7-caregivers-legal-questions-etc-p3.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>LasMa, I feel for you, your brother is a jerk, but he’s your jerk-of-a-brother, so better to vent to us than to cut off your nose to spite your face! </p>

4620

<p>eyeamom, sounds like both good news and bad news, at least you’d gotten your brother on board ahead of time, much easier than damage control after wards. </p>

<p>preironic, good info about the interaction of meds. I watch Mom’s like a hawk, but there haven’t been any changes for a while. </p>

<p>lookingforward, I hope she is all talk and no action. If staying where she is isn’t as bad as some of the choices she is looking at. </p>

<p>LasMa, sorry for you getting scolded! Small day to day stuff IS harder than a few big picture items. I have to check myself CONSTANTLY not to go all “Big SIster” on my brother. It is SO annoying! I often said I don’t know how his wife lives with him because he is always late. He makes choices at a glacially slow pace. I just want it done and to move on. Example, one of mom’s office rental buildings is empty. We FINALLY got the renter who wasn’t paying rent to move out (Haven’t collected the rent yet). We have to rent it or sell it fast because without that income, I have to dig into her savings to make all the payments she has (plus taxes and the water bill are looming in Nov). I listed it but he has to sign as well (building is in a trust and we are co-trustees). So I sent him the one I’d signed including the priority pre paid/addressed envelope back to the realtor. I tracked his letter, got to him on Sept 2. All he had to do was sign and send it right back. But he wanted to study it, he didn’t have time to read it, he went off to a remote site to work, he went on a 4 day vacation. It got to the realtor late last week. Didn’t really matter, because she’d listed it on my say-so, but still. After a week, if I could have gotten my hands on him, I would have pulled his hair since he was causing me to pull out mine!<br>
At the end of the day, I held my peace, nagged him only once a week about signing it, it didn’t take all that long, because, as you said, having sibling support is what is important at the end of the day. Some time maybe you can write a letter to him, saying that.
It also helped me to make a google doc “diary” of what I do for Mom. so each day that I do something more or less significant (like talk to realtor, renter, pay big bill, find a new doc… you know the drill. Not the little things like call her every day and send her post cards). Then I periodically send him that so he sees what has been going on on a more macro level. I TELL him those things as I do them (mostly, but sometimes I forget). And it hits him how much time I spend on it. If perhaps you did that with EACH thing you do, maybe he might appreciate your efforts better?
And the diary helps me because then I can see that it was only 2.5 weeks that the letter was in limbo and not half my life as my nerves were telling me it had been.
Elder care is so much about perspective, isn’t it. Mine, hers, his, DH’s … and while we look at the same thing, None of us see the same thing AT ALL. weird.</p>