<p>Sorry, HImom. Common theme here- that there is one in every family who is looked to for assuming all responsibility and righting all dilemmas. Once you are designated as such, it is very hard to break the pattern and retrain the demanding ones (so I hear…). If this elder is clear headed and reasonable circumstances exist, then may the ones who are more distressed become pro-active. </p>
<p>In the meantime, take good care of you. In general, for me, once the active, invasive treatment/diagnostic ship has sailed (by elder’s choice, health limitations, extremely advanced age, dementia), my hyper-vigilant tendencies receded, the elder’s energy was conserved for their priorities, and quality of daily life was a comfortable focus. I never disregard items deemed urgent, but little is these days. </p>
<p>Fortunately, the internist, patient and I are all united in non-invasive, good quality of life. Thinking remains fairly clear tho very little short term memory and easily confused. Doesn’t eat or drink enough and regularly, which to me is a major part of the problem. </p>
<p>This is the 2nd doc appt in taking her to this month. Last week was Ophthamologist. </p>
<p>HImom- Lucky to have you in her corner! It’s funny how many friends I have whose otherwise sophisticated siblings believe that death can be outrun by very elderly people, if only this or that. </p>
<p>Sis is upset, saying that SR/s sibs all died of cardiac issues (but they were all in their 80s or so, I believe–SR is the baby of the family). None of them died YOUNG (in their 50s or 60s), and several had complicating issues like heavy alcohol use, tobacco use, etc. SR’s mom also had dementia around 80s, so loss of short term memory seems aligned with this. It IS sad and upsetting, but in many ways, not all that surprising to me or H. I am glad she’s pleasant, seems happy, and has a good quality of life NOW, even tho she’s stopped reading, playing the piano and other things that involve more than she can handle these days. She also has friends whom she sees at least 3x/week and walks about an hour per day. She did love reading (went to the library all the time) and music. </p>
<p>When we were at Yellowstone, we listened to the String Quartet every night until they stopped playing at 10pm and we gave her the CD, but I don’t think she remembers how to play a CD, so we will have to play it next time we go to her house (if we can find it there).</p>
<p>It looks like the aides 6 days/week is the ticket for my mom. They come from 9am to 1pm every day. She requires a lot of cajoling to eat and get up and move. I’ll tell you these aides are saints. My mom couldn’t even live in her apartment if not for them. She moves into her new place after Dec 15 and we were all worried how we’d get from now until then. </p>
<p>We had our typical family miscommunication. When I got her into her new facility I took her to the bank to get bank statements to prove eligibility. That’s all I did, get her in. Then my sister took her to sign the forms and hand over the payment. She called my brother to ask how to pay for it and he said, just write a check. Well, the check got returned. He assumed I moved the money over to her checking. I had no idea looking at the list of account numbers which was checking and I wasn’t trying to figure that out, I just wanted to get her in. In order to keep everyone from tearing each other apart I just said if it helps, it was all my fault. I was only concerned with getting her accepted. My brother’s name is on all the banking info, not mine. So I suggested he just transfer the money online into her bank account and ask them to redeposit the check. He hasn’t even set up online banking for himself to handle her finances. Now he has to take her to the bank to do it and he has no sense of urgency whatsoever. </p>
<p>Everyone is getting frazzled over the notion of moving her again. </p>
<p>Sis has decided she will take mom to doc, so I’m fading into background. She’s very upset that mom’s ekg is abnormal and sis wasn’t told. </p>
<p>Sis also insists mom had good breakfast, and that’s what was reported at ER, tho mom told me she really hadn’t eaten or drunken much. Honestly not sure how accurate an observer mom (or dad) is, and they are where the info came from. </p>
<p>Mom told me she gets dizzy when she changes position from prolonged sitting to standing, which was what she did in church and driving to golf. For our family and most folks, such symptoms worsen with dehydration and not eating much. They also worsen with age. </p>
<p>Personally, I think sis is out of line expecting doc to tell anyone but patient if there is any abnormality in tests, unless it’s dangerous or one of us with med power of atty asks. Would violate HIPPA. As W of MD, she should know! Oh well, will let sis quiz doc. </p>
<p>HImom It seems like sis is creating is a lot more drama in this situation. If there is a problem with her heart, and the symptoms certainly suggest standard “weak and dizzy,” from an elderly person which you already mentioned, what does sis expect to be done? Why such urgency? Often, dealing with family members who are not on “the front line” is difficult! I’m glad you can stand back for a moment. </p>
<p>eyemamom How frustrating that your brother can’t handle his POA responsibilities. Is it possible to get that changed without a big family argument? It doesn’t sound like your brother wants the job. </p>
<p>GT - it’s like walking on eggshells with all of us. You never know when any of us are going to just be fed up. I don’t think my brother wants anything to do with my mom’s care or any of us. He was named years and years ago when I was still in college - and I’m 48 now. </p>
<p>Bottom line she’s being well cared for by the aides with tons and tons of activity and visitors. She and aide made split pea soup yesterday. She probably sat at the table and instructed. When she has a lot of visitors and things to do she’s happy. The aides have to work 4 hours a day and are looking for things to do. They’re going to start going through her massive closet and wardrobe - she started off a size 14 and now wears a small so most of the clothes don’t fit and shouldn’t be moved. Mom always had a fabulous wardrobe and doesn’t want to part with anything. Even though she pretty much stays in her pajamas 24/7. Honestly it’s much better to have the aides do it than us. </p>
<p>I’m worried about the financial part of this and my brothers lack of attention. But in all honesty, this next move to this facility has an attached ‘health floor’ - aka snf. They use “code” words for everything, the reality is it’s assisted living with an attached snf. She’ll most likely end up there sooner rather than later and they’ll just spend down her money until she gets medicaid. </p>
<p>Himom, is it possible that you sister’s frenzy is just because she feels so incompetent, doesn’t know what to do or what the right thing even is? It takes time for some to make their peace with aging. Sorry you have to deal with what you do for your elders- and then the reactions of younger relatives. Agree it’s good she’all be at the appt. </p>
<p>Yea, we have different attitudes. Sis is my older sis (there are 7 of us “kids”), but she’s the one who is all worked up about the doc not telling SIS about mom’s irregular EKG. I have no idea what sis could have done with that info, but obviously the doc didn’t think it was important or he would have made her see a cardiologist or done something more. He tends to not want to over-react in treating his patients and is a geriatric specialist, treating multiple generations of families–treated my grandparents, parents, sibs and now our kids.</p>
<p>He firmly believes the dehydration is a MAJOR cause of dizziness and has seen it repeatedly in his practice. Did tell sis that but she was adamant that wasn’t the issue. Mom is frankly a bit puzzled at all this fuss and surprised as to why she even needs to see the internist.</p>
<p>In any case, mom hates ANY and ALL medications and I suspect will firmly refuse any potential invasive treatments. She was very reluctant to even have surgery for her cataracts. Will see how the internist deals with all of this–suspect he’s had these issues surface many times in his decades or practice. Oh well, I’ll let sis take the lead, since she things this is a BIG DEAL.</p>
<p>Thanks, oldmom for the reference to the “That Child” article. H is ‘that child’ for his mom. Every 5 years or so, his brother swoops in, asks about the will, checks over is mom’s money and flies off. Not there when she broke her hip, not there to handle multi-year dispute with her long term care policy, not there for the day to day stuff. </p>
<p>But there to blame H if there is something he doesn’t like. </p>
<p>HImom- let those who need a big deal have them, right? There is often ambiguity in how elder’s health issues play out. Good that at least your mother 'a desired approach to these health issues is clear. That will really inform things going forward. Hang in there!</p>
<p>TatinG- Sheesh. Sounds like a delight. There are a lot of “that childs” on this forum. We all need each other! </p>
<p>My MIL is being moved to hospice today. Two weeks ago she was admitted to the hospital because she “forgets” to take her heart failure and pulmonary fibrosis meds. This is the third time in a year and I guess it just taxed her heart too much,</p>
<p>My DH has one sibling who lives out of state who flew home and saw how distressed MIL was in the hospital (incoherent, agitated, unconscious etc). She had to go back home on Sunday. Now that the move to hospice is imminent she is calling and second guessing everything. Why aren’t they “continuing to think positive?” She doesn’t think we “should be focused on her death so much.” Despite two doctors saying there is nothing more to do and her body is clearly shutting down.</p>
<p>We have directed her to the hospice website that shows that it improves quality of life etc etc. She is just in denial and maybe she has to be that way for herself. The only reason I mention it is it is extremely stressful for DH who is doing all the logistics right there in person. He does not need her over his virtual shoulder asking tons of questions and then questioning the decisions. I suggested he ask the social worker to call her directly. </p>
<p>Sorry for the vent. It’s been a long week. Well, a long 6 months as my parents are also needing weekly visits from me but i have not been able to get there for 2-3 weeks now. </p>
<p>surfcity, I am so sorry that your husband is going through this. Not a bad idea to ask the social worker to call his sister. This sibling thing can be such a trial for “That Child.” It’s hard enough for your husband to navigate this end-stage of his mother’s life without the ignorant second-guessing.</p>
<p>Surfcity, I have followed your MIL’s story. As “That Child” I can relate to the anxiety that your husband is going through. I agree with oldmom that a call from the social worker or from one of the hospice team members would help. Give your husband a big hug, and a nice glass of wine. Sending thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>It’s so hard, surfcity. Wishing the best to you, your husband and your MIL. I’m offering sympathy for your husband, who has already gone through the mental adjustment and now is doing what is necessary for his mother, and also for your out-of-state sister-in-law, who is having to adjust to learning that her mother is dying. </p>
<p>I suspect and hope that your SIL’s reaction is a short-term thing, and she will soon come to terms with the bad news. While your husband has seen his mother’s deterioration bit by bit, for your SIL it was more sudden. I think she will soon come to terms with the situation.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, having the social worker talk to her directly, if possible, could spare your husband while he is so busy. Otherwise, is there another sibling that could talk to her?</p>
<p>surfcity - Sorry your SIL is making a bad situation more difficult. I think CF is right about your SIL needing some time to process this change, even though there may not be enough time. When my grandmother started failing, it was a much bigger surprise to my father, who lived hundreds of miles away, than for my aunt who was on the front line. He just didn’t realize how much of her decline she had been working hard to mask from him. And she had been working hard to mask it, not totally his fault she had been pretty successful.</p>
<p>You might suggest your SIL call the SW rather than the other way around. I called MIL’s SW, and she said “I’m so glad you called, your MIL/FIL told me I couldn’t call you, but now that we are talking…”</p>
<p>Usually hospice views family support as part of their role. I would imagine that even if a care recipient denied a family member access to their personal info, there could be means to educate family members about general end of life symptoms, what to expect, how people are kept comfortable, etc. They have the ability to tread smoothly through different levels of denial or understanding, viewing it all as a process. Brilliant to have sister have SW contact. The SW can also have medical staff people involved as indicated, recommend reading (if sis would like) and provide ongoing support. </p>
<p>This is a great gift to her hardworking, brother as well. He can share the burden of bringing her up to speed, freeing him up for his own emotions and the task at hand. Wishing the family peace and strength, surfcity. </p>
<p>Wow, I can’t tell you how good it feels to read all of your comments. Wow, thank you.</p>
<p>DH and his brother ended up conference calling in sis on a meeting with SW and MD. I think they are all on the same page now as far as needing hospice. Unfortunately there is not a bed ready (“but probably tomorrow” - such is the reality of hospice). </p>
<p>[The same sis also kept insisting that her terminal cancer dad should really “get up and move around more and eat better” when he got down to his last few months. Wishful/magical thinking]</p>
<p>THe 2 MDs and the hospice RN agree that she reality should be inpatient hospice. Remarkably MIL became more alert and insisted that she wanted to go home and have hospice come there, which is what happened when FIL had cancer, However, her care is not as “simple” as a cancer patients. She has multiple meds, oxygen, a bipap mask etc. But the biggest difference is that if she does in home hospice then the agency only comes by for different things, they do not provide 24/7 skilled (RN?) caregivers. This would be on the family to arrange.</p>
<p>The plan is to tell her she will move to in patient and then transition home, but no one really thinks that will happen. It’s tough to not be able to do as she wishes, but there is no way she would get the same care and continuity of care that the inpatient can provide. </p>
<p>The upside of all this? It prompted my mom to call today to update me on her funeral wishes and some new music choices for hymns. She also matter of factly discussed where to hold the luncheon (“You can always use the church hall because they let you bring in booze now but I was hoping for something a little more plush. But not that country club, that’s too expensive. And I don’t want people to have to drive far. Maybe some trays from the local market, but dress it up.”) Please read that with a smile on your face. She wasn’t making demands she was actually trying to spare me lots of effort. She must have said ten times that she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone and hopefully it will be in good weather!! </p>
Please read that with a smile on your face. She wasn’t making demands she was actually trying to spare me lots of effort. She must have said ten times that she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone and hopefully it will be in good weather!! </p>