Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>My mother recently (very recently) moved into a semi AL apartment. She is not having a good transition. She was looking up all kinds of places on line and had chosen a facility. Unfortunately, the apartments available didn’t meet her requirements for light and quiet. She quickly found a different facility and moved in at the end of October.
Bear on mind that there wasn’t any particular reason to move when she did, but she made her decision and that wad that.
I am grateful that I have sisters with whom I can share the burden, but this hasn’t been easy at all.
She doesn’t like the people - they are all old and look alike and are boring. She doesn’t like to go to the dining room for dinner (see comments on old people). She now says she didn’t want to move and did it only because we wanted it. The apt is too small. She told one of my sisters this week that she was going to hire a RE agent to find her a new place to live.
It is driving us nuts! How long is typical for someone to adjust to AL? We can’t spend every evening over there, accompanying her to dinner.
Too many days I have a young adult daughter sobbing on the phone followed by a mother sobbing on the phone. Add in my in laws and their issues and life is becoming almost too difficult. </p>

<p>Sometimes I think I need to run away. </p>

<p>How do we make this work?</p>

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<p>Zeebamom- sorry you are living the challenge of the “sandwich generation.” Hard to know what the issues are for your mother, but here are some thoughts that have helped me support our elders through big changes. You may have tried them all, but just in case:</p>

<p>Try to use what you know about her to help facilitate the transition. If she is indeed not as “old” as many there, perhaps she could volunteer in the library, “assist” with an activity, start a small garden, etc. Is she shy or outgoing? Would she rather take a walk or play Bingo? Is her place set up to her liking? Does she get overwhelmed by change? Is she making sense most of the time? Is she a chronic complainer no matter what? Can she keep track of when activities that might interest her go on? </p>

<p>Sometimes structural things are in the way and setting up a white board with a schedule helps, for example. Sometimes it is a matter of being a cheerleader for the fact that it takes time to settle in and giving her a structured way to approach things. (Ie - how about if you choose 3 activities from this list to go to this week?), try to have her translate complaints into specifics (what does she need that isn’t working in her place? Can it be worked in somehow?). Perhaps it is about loss of control and being encouraging about giving the place a chance, while acknowledging that down the road alternatives could be considered will help. </p>

<p>If you are clear about what is toughest for her or what could help better connect her, perhaps the AL Director could be approached to see what they are observing and if they can help by introducing your mother to likely dinner companions, trying a new activity group, etc. This is not something that can be forced, but sometimes staff can encourage a bit of activity participation or be extra welcoming to someone who feels on the fringes. </p>

<p>Being bored can mean lots of things and 4-6 weeks doesn’t seem like a long time to get acclimated. Perhaps when you visit you can do an activity with her and sit near other residents who seems welcoming. If she is shy, perhaps first having you there to start a conversation and introduction with other residents would help. If you do go for dinner, seeing if there is a way to sit with others as well as your mother could connect her more. </p>

<p>When my MIL was feeling adrift in a necessary, but poignant for her nursing home placement recently, I upped the support and unlike some others, acknowledged the change head on, saying I was happy to listen to her thoughts about it anytime. Just knowing that someone “got” how hard it was to live apart from her husband helped. </p>

<p>Hang in there. This thread is full of veterans with lots of useful info. </p>

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<p>Hi zeebamom. Travelnut gives good suggestions. I’ll have a little more later, but for now I agree that 3 weeks isn’t long enough. It took my dad 3 months to really feel at home.</p>

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<p>@zeebamom - it sounds like your mom is having buyers remorse. One thing I’ve found in life is that people want to be acknowledged. Agree back with her that she is having a hard time, that she feels like everyone around her is so old. And turn it back on her to an extent - what could you do to make it better for yourself? What do you think needs to change here? Maybe she has legit complaints, maybe she doesn’t. And ask her how moving to somewhere else would fix those issues. To me so much is about control and difficulty with change. </p>

<p>Bottom line for me is that my mom misses my dad tremendously. She’s never gotten over it or past or accepted it in any way. So we all make sure we talk about dad and share memories and say how much we miss him too. It hasn’t really helped her move forward but we don’t hesitate to tell her we miss him too or we wish we could talk to him or that he’d be so proud of this or that. And part of it is also - dad would be so proud of how well you’re managing on your own, or dad would want us to make sure you were well cared for, etc.</p>

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<p>You could acknowledge and validate her difficulty, as eyeamom suggests, and then try playing the holiday card – “Mom, I know this isn’t ideal for you. This is a really crazy time of year for everyone, and it would be really hard to add a move into the mix during the holiday season. Let’s get past New Years, and then talk some more.” By January, she may be feeling a little more comfortable.</p>

<p>I once moved to a new place right before the holidays, and it was rough. Serious homesickness! That may be a piece of it for her as well. I can’t tell if you and/or your sisters are close by to her, but if you are you might want to make an extra effort to make the holidays festive for her, include her in all family acitivites, visit her for special holiday events at the AL, etc.</p>

<p>How old is your mom? Does she have any dementia? </p>

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<p>I am still struggling with my parents, which is not easy with the death of my MIL this week too. My dad has a brain injury from an accident (for those who are not familiar with my story). My mom called yesterday to say she doesn’t know how much longer she can live with him and the symptoms.</p>

<p>The biggest issue is their style of communicating, which worked when he was whole, doesn’t work now. Mom has always been a little blunt/bossy in style, and Dad, for some reason, never minded and was able to just let it roll off his back. (Occasionally he’d call her on it but he was able to see thru that one flaw because he loved everything else about her)</p>

<p>Now with the brain injury, his “filter” is a little off. Plus add in that Mom is “giving orders” to him a lot more frequently because he cannot be alone for long and is unsteady. So, for example, they get home from an outing, and she tells (probably tells, not ASKS) him to stay put in the car while she brings the groceries in and gets his walker ready by the outside stairs. He doesn’t like being bossed around so he attempts to get out of the car while she is unlocking the door. She sees him and gets all upset and cries to him that she is so worried that he will fall and hurt himself and there you go, a big fight ensues.</p>

<p>From my perspective they are both in the wrong. My mom can’t seem to re-pattern herself after 50+ years and my dad is struggling with his memory and the fallout of his injury. </p>

<p>I am going to look into some AL places but I also am leery of moving dad to an unfamiliar place. </p>

<p>He has had wonderful care for the brain injury and PT and OT, but there is no good system to help families like ours navigate the whole issue. They have seen a neuropsychologist but an hour every two weeks is a drop in the bucket. </p>

<p>I signed Dad up to go to a senior care “day care” for 2 days a week to give mom a break but he hates it and he is an introvert and doesn’t want to “sit around with all those old people” and I can totally understand that. I will look into having some kind of aide come into the house again as an alternative.</p>

<p>Whew - thanks for the vent. It really does feel better to “talk” to people who are in your same boat. </p>

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<p>Sending hugs and prayers for all who are having big and small issues.</p>

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<p>At one point, we tried an adult program for MIL, really senior day care. The admin noted something to us-- that her clients seemed to either be in serious physical decline (and mentally alert) or mentally challenged, (but in good physical shape.) It’s a hard reality that makes it tough for some elders to connect with others. </p>

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<p>I can relate to our parents who look around at their contemporaries and say, “They’re so old.” I look at my contemporaries and say, “They’re so old.” Then I look in the mirror, and, well, it’s hard to accept that we get older.</p>

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<p>Many of dad’s golf buddies are 30-40 years younger, so folks within 10-20 years of him ARE old and often can’t keep up with his rapid pace. Mom, who is 5 years younger never could keep up with his brisk stride, even back in the 1970s and more so now, even tho dad has slowed slightly. </p>

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<p>Having watched first my dad, and then my MIL care for their incapacitated spouses at home, I really saw how much stress it puts on them. Getting someone in to give your mom real respite might be a gift. With my dad, the issue was more a night one because mom had a lot of sundowning (even though she did not have Alzheimers) and that was exhausting. His life got better when we got overnight aides, initially a few days a week and then eventually every night. He did have to move into another bedroom to get the sleep he needed. </p>

<p>This is a tough time, when it seems that they don’t need institutional care full-time, but the home situation is falling apart. </p>

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<p>surfcity, as I recall, money isn’t the biggest issue for your family. (Although maybe I am wrong?)</p>

<p>For my dad and stepmother, it was my stepmother who had the most needs–she was pretty far down the road to dementia and had toileting and mobility issues but no serious underlying health issues. Although my dad absolutely hated the idea, he agreed to aides, at first just 3 days a week, 8 hours a day, but gradually moving toward live-in aides. They cleaned the house and did the laundry and kept my stepmother away from my dad when she got on his nerves, in addition to taking care of her. During the last year of his life, they had live-in aides who were really wonderful. Of course they were a tremendous help to my dad, although my stepmother was officially the patient. They liked my dad a lot and appreciated that he cooked for them almost to the end. It was much less disruptive for them than moving would have been (and was for my stepmother later on). My stepmother had an inheritance that easily paid for the aides.</p>

<p>When my dad had a massive stroke and died, my stepmother’s son moved her to his state, to a memory care unit at a nursing home. She died six months later.</p>

<p>The aides were from an agency–they were employees of the agency so there was no paperwork or liability, just a (big) bill every month. If my dad didn’t like any of them, I called the agency and they were replaced, and if the aides took time off, a replacement was provided. Sometimes the replacements weren’t the best but they weren’t there for long.</p>

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<p>That sounds like it was a great solution for your family. </p>

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<p>@SurfCity- my MIL had a stroke many years ago, she is not all there mentally. She cannot remember to speak up, FIL is quite deaf. They always had a very argumentative, tit-for-tat, who can win the battle type of relationship. She still tries to be snarky & sarcastic & one up him, but she is too slow mentally to be successful, he cannot hear her, it does not matter, but still, she hurts his feelings and they yell at each other.
What can you do!?</p>

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<p>Mom is 86. She had an accident while volunteering a few years back that caused soft-tissue damage. Since then, she hasn’t done much walking and really hasn’t been the same. She has a cane and a walker, but won’t use either of them. The walker is a special one that she absolutely had to have, and could only be purchased online, but is a bit too heavy for her. </p>

<p>No real dementia, mostly lack of filter and normal aging. She has a hearing aid in one ear.
She’s suffered from depression for decades and is on meds (and has professional help), but we’ve found that what she tells the psych isn’t necessarily reality & that she selectively remembers what the psych tells her. </p>

<p>We are trying to look at this much the way it was for some of us when the children moved away to school. It takes time to adjust, but the unknown of how long the adjustment period should last is taking its toll. </p>

<p>The rationale she comes up with for not participating are kind of funny (the watercolor class doesn’t have a real instructor, the other people are nosy, the tables are too big). We go from being the most horrible children on record who never do anything for her to her being thankful we are always there for her. She gets mean and cranky with one of us and then is sweet as sugar with another one. </p>

<p>Mostly a vent, but it is good to know that it <em>can</em> get better!</p>

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<p>Ok so she really isn’t younger than the other residents, she just thinks she is. So it is appropriate for her. Good. </p>

<p>When i posted this morning, I was thinking exactly what you said. It’s like college kids. Nothing to do but grit your teeth and get through the adjustment period. </p>

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<p>surfcity,
Have you looked into the resources and/or support groups through the Brain Injury Association of America <a href=“http://www.biausa.org/”>http://www.biausa.org/&lt;/a&gt; Go to your state’s organization and look for resources, respite care, support groups, day programs, etc. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>I’m fascinated by some of the “memories” my mom comes up with. Earlier today she was commenting how she and dad always got along really well. I’m actually glad that’s how she remembers it, for her sake. But I remember plotting my escape, wanting to run away, hating that gut wrenching feeling when they would fight (yelling only) weekly and often almost nightly. This happened for all of my teen years. They did seem to get along better after we were grown up and mostly out of the house. But wow. </p>

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<p>Poignant, psychmomma. I’ve seen a lot of softening of rough edges and memories in elders. Revisionist history in some cases and in others, a recognition of reality accompanied by a newly acquired acceptance. Maybe an instance of nature getting it right.</p>

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<p>My dad realized yesterday that he forgot my birthday and they had, in fact, been forgetting many birthdays. He wanted to do something about it. I came up with several ideas of how I can help them keep track of birthdays and make sure they were remembered. We even found my mom’s wonderful organizer of birthdays and cards. These ideas were all deemed “not acceptable.” He then turns to my mom and tells her “you are in charge.” I told him a system in which she was in charge would not work, but she and I would work together to make it happen. As I suspected, he is not happy that mom is falling down on “her job, it’s not mine.” Mom is happy for the assistance, but I have to get my dad to the place where he realizes that they both need help with executive function and shouldn’t expect either of them to continue separate roles and the 3 of us need to work together. </p>

<p>Zeebamom, your mom does need to give it more time, and I would do whatever it takes for her to hang in there for a few more months. I’ll have to say, I’m impressed that she is able to come up with a plan to move out. </p>

<p>psychmomma, how wonderful your mom remembers only the positive. </p>