<p>GTalum, Your post hit home with me. My mother, a widow of 1 1/2 years, blames my dead father almost daily for not teaching her how to use the computer, or putting things places where she can’t find them. Or she’ll complain that he didn’t allow her to do this or that. She often says, “That was HIS job”. I have told she needs to get over it and I’ll then point out that she can do whatever she wants now. I have learned that lesson though. If there’s something I want to do, or my husband wants to do, it usually happens. Living with regrets stink. </p>
<p>Of course my father doesn’t want to do it, or me to do it. He wants his wife to take care of the stuff she has always cared for. </p>
<p>GTalum, a large wall calendar can help. Also, if one parent takes on the job of crossing out the day every day, it can help even more than remembering birthdays. (Not that it can help the essential heartbreak of your parents’ situation.)</p>
<p>I’m having trouble with the next move. My mom is going to her new place and she can get in as early as Dec 15 though we don’t have to move her that day. </p>
<p>The problem is she truly isn’t capable of doing a single thing beyond being pushed in a wheelchair over there. She has aides and we’ve been trying to get her to whittle down the wardrobe from four huge closets to 1. She won’t do it. She can’t decide what to take and not to take. So we literally have to go through everything and push the issue ourselves. </p>
<p>The problem is (which is not a problem professionally) … hubby and I just won the biggest account of our professional careers which involves a ton of work and time over the next 12 months. The timing is actually perfect with two kids at college, but terrible to have time for a move. I cannot be up there every week sorting through clothes, and being the point person this time around. I’m not saying I won’t help, but I can’t pick dates yet and I can’t be the main thrust this time. </p>
<p>Senior move managers can only do so much. Mom can’t make decisions on what’s important to take and leave behind. My sister who says she’ll help lives 12 hours away and gets 2 days off a week. My brother is useless. My other sister is seriously ready to have a nervous breakdown over all of this. </p>
<p>I have two weeks after Thanksgiving that I can help, but that’s really all I can do right now. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>It has been a couple of years now that my mother, who has dementia, has not remembered my birthday. She still remembers hers. On my birthday I say ‘does (date ) mean anything to you?’ after a few ‘no’s’ she would say ‘is it your birthday?’ ‘yes’,’ really how old are you? 'I say the age- ‘you’re that old?’ ‘well I am 92’.All conversations go back to her at this point. My father who both her neighbors and her sister-in-laws have told me ‘spoiled her’. He did all the thinking. After he died she was lost. In his defense, trying to teach her anything was impossible- way too nervous or did not want to learn anything new or electronic. So, fast forward now that she is in an assisted living they have a calendar for the week. This seems to work the best. I tried for a couple of years to get her to mark off the days on the month calendar but it never worked. I tried the daily calendars and she never did it. But the week one keep her knowing what day of the week it is and what is going on. She does not mark it off still, but it does seem to keep her oriented. She has it on the refrigerator and changes it on Sundays.</p>
<p>eyeamom, It sounds like someone has to decide between now and December 15 which clothes your mother takes to her new place. Presumably you have to decide also which furniture she will have at her new place. Those jobs have to be done by family members. Your mother wants to decide, but she can’t, so you or one of your siblings has to ruthlessly make those decisions.</p>
<p>But everything else, all the clothes, all the furniture, can be put in storage, and you can worry about the final disposition at some later time. Once you have identified what is going to the new place, the senior move managers can take over.</p>
<p>It sounds like the impasse is that your mother wants to make these decisions, but she can’t. I’d advise you to use the toddler rule here: you’re the adult. If you had a three year old who couldn’t decide what to wear to preschool, you wouldn’t let her agonize over it for seven hours. You’d give her a tiny choice, and finally, if she wouldn’t choose, you would choose. Similarly, you have to be the adult here, and make the choices. Your mother is overwhelmed, but if you give her tiny choices-- do you want to take the red sweater, or the blue sweater-- she might be able to handle them. And if not, you make the best choice you can and move along, and ignore the tantrums you can’t prevent.</p>
<p>Thank you CF! Yes, we have to get a storage unit. We just need to box everything up and send it to storage if no one can help out with this. I’m asking my sister her availability to come with me to sort through stuff and while I’m there I’ll rent a storage locker. Then if she really thinks she wants it, it will be in the storage locker. </p>
<p>What does a senior move management company do beyond a regular moving company?</p>
<p>While you’re taking things out of closets, en route to storage, you can check and separate. So, what she might possibly want may go in one hanging wardrobe box, what you might like to have can go in another. The impossibles, probably best only to a donation center, can go in their own. And so on. You’ll need plenty of these boxes anyway. </p>
<p>I say even though it would be preferable in the abstract to do a more comprehensive sort of the clothing, to check and separate, that might be too much for now. If eyeamom is strapped for time, it might be better to figure out the minimal set of actions that need to be done now and do them. The minimal requirement for now is merely to figure out which clothes (and which furniture/household itesm) go with Mom and which go to the storage unit. Later, when there is more time, more sorting can be done.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, I moved Mom in by myself in one day. Just the basics because we were telling her at that point it was temporary so we didn’t want to bring too much. Over time I brought a few more clothes. We actually had to pay someone to sort her clothes and we had her donate or sell whatever. Probably my whining is up thread somewhere. … But the main thing is that mom was more content thinking her move was temporary and didn’t need much stuff. Took mee six months to feel she was moved and it took us over six months to empty her house and that was using professional estate sales people. Good luck!</p>
<p>Jumping in to say thanks to everyone who responded to my posts. We have used an agency to provide aides and I may do that again. Dad did not like being “babysat” but I think if I have the aide doing some other things (laundry, dishes, etc) he will not feel like it’s a babysitter.</p>
<p>Money is okay for now, but both parents are understandably worried about the future. I have not done the calculations to see how many years they could afford to spend $xxxx for more care or a senior living place. They received a small insurance payment but nothing of course can compensate for the upheaval of their life and my mom’s partial loss of a partner.</p>
<p>One day at a time. It is What It Is. <<<— My currents mantras.</p>
<p>The clothes that are or have been recently in the dirty clothes or that you recognize should be the first packed. Also it seems lots of elderly women change sizes (get smaller) so watch for size variations. </p>
<p>We just had a tragedy in the family. My only brother died suddenly yesterday from an apparent cardiac arrest while biking (he is an athlete). He was 56. I went immediately to my parent’s house to tell them. My parents are shell shocked and showing little emotion. When something happens that doesn’t make sense, I think it’s more normal for them. They can also have moments of escape where they get distracted easily. I on the other hand, feel like I’m living a nightmare I can’t leave. It’s probably the first time I’ve had a loss in which I don’t want to go forward without him. But of course I will. </p>
<p>How awful, GT. I am so sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>Holy moly the you know what hit the fan. This sibling stuff is getting awful. I know that work is about to be insane. So I called the movers, I’m going up next weekend to start sorting and packing and meeting with the movers to get an estimate and they know the place she’s going very well and can let us and mom know what can fit. After the move I can also come up any weekend or weekends to help clean out the apartment. What I can’t be counted on is to be able to be there the day of the move. My sister ran into my brother and he was like, oh eyemamom is doing it all this time. What?! So I emailed everyone and, explained my situation, told them the move was now delayed until January and everything I was doing and I asked my sister and brother to coordinate with each other on what day works for them to get her moved. He texts me back…why me? I said I’m giving you all 6 weeks heads up that January is too busy, but I’m doing everything else except actually getting her to the new place. Someone needs to be there when the movers are packing everything up to make sure they aren’t taking things she doesn’t need. And he calls me YELLING that he was highly offended by my email, that he worked for weeks afterwards cleaning out her place. And I ended up yelling back - we’re all working our a$$es off. But on the day of the last move you went golfing. All I’m saying is I need someone to step up and be there on moving day to direct things. It won’t be that hard, I’ll have a list and we’ll deal with the rest of it later. And I think he actually tattled to my poor mom. If I didn’t corner him and make him say he’d help that day he wouldn’t have. He’s still sending out obnoxious emails detailing how hard it was to clean her place out after the move. No kidding. It would have been worse if we all didn’t go for the past year cleaning things out while he did nothing. And we were set to help with that too until he didn’t show up to participate at all and when my sister went beserk he said he’d do it himself. sigh Now the peacemaker sister is crying, my other sis is completely fired up about him and I’m saying, hey - I got him to agree to be there moving day. Mission accomplished. I told the sis on my side - we’re all entitled to our feelings and our opinions and it’s okay to think this stinks. But at the end of the day we have to get it done. </p>
<p>OMG GTalum, I am so sorry. There are never the right words for such a sudden, unexpected loss.</p>
<p>OMG - GTalum - I had the screen up typing my whiny post at the same time. I’m so sorry. My deepest condolences to you.</p>
<p>How frustrating for you eyemamom. I agree, mission accomplished. </p>
<p>So very sorry for all who are dealing with these truly awful situations. I know if be shocked and heartbroken if any of my sibs suddenly died. </p>
<p>GTAlum, I am so sorry. Such terrible news, and it must have been even harder to have a reaction like that from your parents. It’s definitely extra cruel for a parent to endure the death of a child, but it has to make you feel that much more alone as the one bearing the burden of your parents all alone.</p>