<p>There are no words. I’m so sorry, GT. </p>
<p>GT, please let us all send up a wellspring of virtual support during the coming weeks. You will be in our thoughts and prayers whether you have time to post or not. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx”>http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx</a></p>
<p>GTalum, I didn’t realize your mother is so far along, I am so sorry.</p>
<p>You yourself are facing a major grief. The link above has many resources to those who have lost a sibling. Believe me, talking to/emailing with someone who has had a similar loss–that it is a similar loss is vital–can be a big support; of course it cannot erase the pain, but it can ease it. PM me anytime.</p>
<p>Dharma,
I shared that resource several posts back, yesterday. That is a wonderful organization. </p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss GTalum. I hope that your good memories of him bring you comfort going forward. The love is not lost.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone. Virtual support does help, and it really helps to cope by talking about it. My mind is now bringing me to practical issues as to my parent’s estate and power of attorney. I am listed as the primary decision maker for everything (financial, health care, and executor) and my brother is secondary. I am so glad it was written that way, as it was initially both of us together were named and I kind of insisted that one of us should be primary and the other secondary. But, I should have a secondary. I don’t think my parents will feel safe with my brother’s wife as the secondary. She is lovely, but they don’t always trust her (I do BTW). DH is a possibility but would give my brother’s side of the family no voice. I am thinking of having my brother’s daughter (27 y.o) who is his oldest (of two, also has a son) be the secondary. I am afraid it would bother SIL and her brother. Has anyone dealt with this and any ensuing family conflict? My other thought is someone more objective, such as a trusted cousin/niece. I have a call in to the attorney who will not be in till Monday. </p>
<p>I will get in the habit of meditating to seek the advice of my brother who, while not always being there when I wanted him to be, is the most forthright and honest person I know and was really working to being more involved with the life of me and my parents. I knew there would never be any arguments about the estate with him. I will seek the advice of a financial planner to make sure that a portion of money left from their estate has been earmarked for education of his grandchildren (a legacy from my grandmother). </p>
<p>GTalum, this must be so hard. Do you think you could tell your SIL that your parents are getting more difficult and paranoid, which is why you don’t think it’s a good idea to make her secondary?</p>
<p>No need to make any hasty decisions. Your SIL may have enough on her plate right now that she wouldn’t be interested anyway.</p>
<p>Please take care of yourself.</p>
<p>My SisIL named a cousin’s SO as the executor instead of either of her two brothers (H & BIL). It was someone all of them trusted and he had handled executor duties before, as well as living in CA near SisIL. It worked very well for all of us. Is there such a person that both you and SisIL trust and can be named as secondary? Maybe that would work and be less of a burden than naming niece (and possiblyl offending SisIL). It’s not easy–wishing you peace as you remember the good and happy times while working your way forward.</p>
<p>I think SIL will be OK. I just worry that her brother may be miffed. </p>
<p>GTalum - I want to remind you that you are allowed to take the time and grieve and get through this time in your own way. Let things go for a little bit and just deal with what comes next. You don’t need to do anything about the secondary right now. You don’t need to worry about anyone else’s feelings about it right now. I hope you have people who love you around you supporting you as well. </p>
<p>The secondary would only need to step up if you are unwilling or unable anyway. I would suspect the nephew and SusIL would be relieved NOT to be named and tasked with further potential responsibilities. Agree that time is not of the essence to name a secondary, but take care of yourself!</p>
<p>I would think that worrying about who is the secondary on the deceased husband’s parents estate stuff would be far from her & her brother’s mind. Why say anything, update it, for now, to whomever seems to best choice for the next few years. You can relook in time. you don’t have to announce it to them, you don’t have to say anything. If you feel good about her input, you could run things by her just as you did your brother.</p>
<p>GTalum, I can understand (if you are! If not, never mind) that you may be feeling great anxiety about being the only person on the documents, especially since your brother died so suddenly and unexpectedly. If so, then as others posted, maybe just pick someone, anyone, and then get back to it once everyone (especially you!) isn’t feeling the loss so acutely.</p>
<p>Try to take good care of yourself during this holiday season.</p>
<p>You can even just put your H, since he’s handy and will listen and fill in if you are for any reason unable to do things. As was posted, no need for any big announcement at all, as long as your H is willing to be the secondary. Why stir things up and intrude on the grief that your SisIL and her kids are undoubtably dealing with as well with one more duty. As was said, at some point, you can revisit, but it might be a relief to have your H added as a secondary, “just in case,” to ease YOUR mind.</p>
<p>OMG GT. I am so sorry.</p>
<p>What good advice. Yes, I will just name H and not worry any further. </p>
<p>Sounds like a good choice for now. It can be hard to sort out what can wait and what can not in a crisis like this. Your head and heart must be spinning. As cliche as it sounds, do take care of yourself and try to find a bit of space here and there. Wishing you comfort and support. Tending logistics, elders and bearing this grief is a lot. We are here as it helps. </p>
<p>GTAlum, I am so sorry for your loss.
I have just returned from the land without Internet or AT&T for my iPad, taking my Mom to see my brother and his (fairly new …8 month old) grandson. I think my world would whirl off its axis if I didn’t have him to sound out for Mom stuff. I do most of it, but he has my back. That is so sad.
Hugs. Don’t forget to breath…</p>
<p>My husband (only child) and I just got back from a crazy 4 1/2 day trip from the Midwest to SoCal, where his 90 year-old Mom lives. She was in an independent living apartment in a CCRC, fell, and ended up in the hospital. We got the call just hours after speaking with her. She stayed in the hospital for almost a week and then got transferred to the acute care part of the community she lives in. Except for her memory, her mind is intact. Luckily she didn’t break anything.</p>
<p>She told us she would not go back to her apartment, and we put her on the list for an assisted living space. We were told that it will probably be months before a spot opens up. Meanwhile, she’s content to stay where she is and we had to empty her apartment. The one nice thing is that she is now using a walker, where she had steadfastly refused to use one before. She is a very stubborn woman!</p>
<p>My H and I flew out to SoCal (paid a premium for those tickets!) and we had 4.5 days to dispose of everything in her apartment. We had to make decisions about every single thing. My H spent his time dealing with the mounds of papers, file cabinets full, and stuff of that sort. There were mounds of genealogical research his parents spent decades collecting. And his mom kept every single piece of paper she ever received. There would be important stuff mixed in with trash, so everything had to be looked through.</p>
<p>I dealt with everything else. I discovered used tissues everywhere. Every pocket had used tissues in it. Drawers had used tissues, half eaten granola bars, important stuff and junk all mixed together. There were also lots of coins ($105 worth) which the banks insisted I had to roll. I can’t believe they didn’t have machines to do it. I also had to decide what clothes to save for her, what to bring to acute care for her to wear now, and what to donate.</p>
<p>Then there was the outside storage closet adjacent to her patio that turned out to be infested with mice and their droppings. We had to toss everything. I can’t believe what was in there–most sadly there were lots of old photo albums–irreplaceable. But everything was covered in mouse droppings so we couldn’t even look through it. I can’t believe she put that stuff in there.</p>
<p>We had to close out her cable account and return the equipment. Close out her safe deposit box. Shred lots of documents.</p>
<p>We hired a company that helps in this situation and was recommended by the place she lives in, and we had to put a yellow sticker on stuff to go to us, a blue sticker on stuff to donate or throw out, and a green sticker on stuff to go to his mom.</p>
<p>Then my H rented two storage units (since 9/11 the person renting the unit has to do it in person, rather than the company we hired), one for his mom’s stuff until she moves into assisted living, and one for stuff to go to us. We leave for a year in New Zealand shortly, so there’s no time to ship stuff to us now. Plus, we’re trying to get our house ready for renters for the year we’re gone, so the last thing we need is more stuff!</p>
<p>Luckily we didn’t have to clean anything.</p>
<p>It was an utterly exhausting 4.5 days and I can’t believe we got it done. We worked from early morning to late in the evening, stopping only for meals and to visit with his mom. Five days after we got home everything was moved into the storage units! As bad as the timing was, I’m grateful that this happened before we left the country.</p>
<p>Whew! We did it! The best news would be if an assisted living spot opened up before we leave, so that we can help settle her in. But, we were told that was unlikely.</p>
<p>I’m very grateful for this thread–it helps to know others are going through the same thing and there are some good tips in here. Thanks to everyone who has posted!</p>
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<p>Only stop in occasionally so didn’t notice, jym626–good move. Yes, is is a wonderful resource. By knowing it is “wonderful” I hope that doesn’t mean you had to, in the past, turn to it yourself.</p>
<p>Thinking of you, GTalum.</p>